The Airing of Grievances

Ray Lewis: Making It Too Easy

Ray Lewis is awesome. He's full of enthusiasm and is a great football player. He's an inspiration to young athletes everywhere and a testament to longevity in an unforgiving sport. He also, more than likely, killed a guy. Maybe two guys.

That said, Ray decided to go on TV recently and make the declaration that if there's no NFL football this year, crime will go up.

Also, from the article:

When asked why he thought crime would increase if the NFL doesn't play games this year, Lewis said: "There's nothing else to do Sal."

To be fair, Ray was simply relying on his years of criminology experience in the Baltimore PD and saying that, without football to watch, people would have more idle time, and in that listless diaspora away from our sports bars, our thoughts would inevitably turn to criminal behavior. Largely because we're a society of latent degenerates that kinda sorta want to stab each other, but lose motivation by the third quarter. And you're not at all projecting, Ray. Not a bit.

By the same logic, you can also expect to see an increase in pregnancies, better ratings for whatever else supposedly comes on TV Sundays (Heroes maybe?) and maybe an uptick in church attendance. But coming from a guy who's not guilty of murder, rather than innocent, it has a slight mafia vibe to it.

Like he's not saying anything, but maybe Roger Goodell's kids don't make it home from summer school one day. There's a lot of crazy people out there. These things happen. Maybe Roger's wife has an accident outside the beauty parlor and don't look so pretty no more. I don't know nothing. I'm just talking amongst friends.

Anyway - I just posted this because, between this and the Jesus freaks missing a Rapture, I'm sure Vandelay is too busy screaming at his walls.

Al Sharpton -v- Cornel West

The Big Reverend Al calls out Cornel West. Beautiful. (Fun starts at about the 2:00 mark.)

Did I exceed my word limit Assman?

What The Hell Is A-Goin' On?

Back in April of 1986, when I was barely 11 years old, I was watching a riveting moustache-arrific episode of Jeopardy with my parents when Tom Brokaw broke into the telecast to tell us all that the United States had sent over an aerial attack on Libya. Now, at 11, I didn't know shit about Libya or anything for that matter, but I was jarred from such a thing. This was, after all, the first time in my life where the military of my country had acted in aggression toward another nation, and I admit, I freaked the fuck out.

A day later, I wrote a letter to then President Ronald Reagan, something to the effect of,

"Dear President Reagan. I'm freaking the fuck out, Mr. President. I'm 11. I don't like the idea of my potentially going to war. I know some history, and I know the last real conflict we had didn't end so hotsy-totsy, so, what the fuck are you thinking?"

(I am ignoring that little Grenada thingy in '83, because shit, that was like Michigan v. Appalacian State in football. Wait. Bad example. Let's go with Florida v. their first opponent every year instead.)

Anyway, I eventually did receive a letter in reply, rubber stamped of course, from the Office of the POTUS stating something along the lines of, "Thanks for the letter kid. You don't know shit. Here's a sticker." No lie. My dad has it saved somewhere in the archives of "Look at what my retarded kid wrote."

In retrospect, all the U.S. did back in '86 was send over two Cessna's and a hot air balloon, dropped a few bags of flaming dog poo on Tripoli and called it a day. But, again, what did I know.

Flash forward 25 years and here we are again. Libya. Ghadaffi. Bombs. Missiles. People yelling in gibberish. And still, for the life of me, I still don't know what the fuck is going on. And I will profess my ignorance of most things political and ask you, the writers of this AofG masterpiece and loyal readers, can somebody explain to me why we are doing it all over again?

Sure, I know that the fine folks of Libya are fed up with a douchebag dictator who looks like a bad perm victim from the 70's. I know they are fighting for their independence and release from this guy. So I ask, why are we fucking involved over there? Can't we as a nation just let shit happen according to their will? Because it seems to me that we did the same fucking thing say, oh, 230-ish years ago and nobody batted an eyelash over such a thing.

Help me. Dumb ass and all. Please.

Also, a few notes:

1. France is involved. France? Really? For the first time that I can recall, this is the first military action France has thrown their wine and croissant engorging ass into that didn't involve raising white flags, berets and hairy armpitted broads in the air saying "We Surrender!" What gives France? This is the equivalent of a number two seed being all bad ass against a 15 seed, acting like they should've been there all along. Jesus. You get against a high seed, France, and you buckle faster than a BYU co-eds chastity belt.

2. According to reports, as of 10:37pm EDT 3/19/11, the U.S. and U.K. launched somewhere in the vacinity of 112 cruise missiles and hit just 20 targets. That's a whopping 17.8% hit rate. Who the fuck did we become with that accuracy? LeBron James in the 4th quarter of any game with meaning? That's bullshit. Poland launched a donkey laced with an enema from a catapult on Libya and got a better result.

Anyway, like I said, enlighten me. Because after two wars in countries over what has been deemed God knows what, the last thing we as a country need is to get involved in some horse shit involving a camel humping dictator and people fighting for something worthwhile. Can't we, for once, sit back and say "fuck it?"

Or am I wrong?

Real Quick Grievance

You know this sentiment that the demand for the type of news we receive is appalling because there are people dying in war and thus we shouldn't know that Lindsey Lohan is going to jail again or Paris Hilton stuffs her vadge with 8-balls when she flies? I hate that shit. I don't need to feel guilty for not knowing the names of every soldier that dies in war. Why can't I just support the troops as a whole and be aware of the fact that because we chose to engage in two violent wars at the same time that a lot of soldiers are going to die? Why can't I just thank a soldier for his support when I meet them and feel a general type of empathy over the fact that some of them are coming home in body bags? That's an awful thing to have to deal with for a family and I can't even imagine the pain. Is it really news though? We're in two fucking wars! We knew the risks of wars, right? We weren't gonna go out to Afghanistan and start having bocce tournaments with the Taliban until they promised to stop terrorizing us. So forgive me for not knowing the names of every soldier that loses his life at war but isn't the real news at this point when soldiers stop losing their lives in war?

Also, I know we're not updating the Grieve much around here but it is football season and I love football and probably have some opinions on your teams which I plan to post within the next week. In the meantime, check out the official strong safety of the AofG being awesome at football...

Steers, Queers, and Chuck Mother @#$%ing Norris

It would be hard for me to add too much more hilarity to the idea of Chuck Norris leading a revolt against a government that's been in office for like fifty days so just do yourself a favor and read this…

When I appeared on Glenn Beck's radio show, he told me that someone had asked him, "Do you really believe that there is going to be trouble in the future?" And he answered, "If this country starts to spiral out of control and Mexico melts down or whatever, if it really starts to spiral out of control, before America allows a country to become a totalitarian country (which it would have under I think the Republicans as well in this situation; they were taking us to the same place, just slower), Americans won't stand for it. There will be parts of the country that will rise up." Then Glenn asked me and his listening audience, "And where's that going to come from?" He answered his own question, "Texas, it's going to come from Texas. Do you agree with that Chuck?" I replied, "Oh yeah!" Definitely.

Now the notion of some kind of crazy coup d’état by a bunch of pissed of righties whose party has been brainwashed them into believing that the POTUS is some type of mixed-breed Muslim/Commie is certainly no laughing matter. It’s a bit scary as a matter of fact. However, the idea of the revolution being led by Chuck Norris is more than likely the funniest thing you’ll hear this week because:

a) Is there any doubt that the rocket scientists in Texas would rally around Chuck Norris in a heartbeat without even considering that he doesn’t actually have experience with such a thing other than maybe the time he went into Vietnam and freed all of those POWs?

b) Does Chuck Norris hear so many Chuck Norris jokes that he actually starts to believe them?

No need to go on and on here. This thing just writes itself.

Here We Go Again

I am not a Georgian. I'm not getting the living hell beat out of me by Russia and I don't like Waffle Houses. Unfortunately, some people have a different outlook...

Old guy who wants to be leader of the free world: Hey...we're all Georgians now!!!

Georgian President: Well that's all well and good but why don't you stop being such a pussy and help us out over here if you're "Georgians"? I got news for you...you guys enabled them! They interpreted your weak words as a green light to bomb us to bloody hell! In a round about way, this isn't even about us. They're at war with you! You're gonna lose this entire region!!! What are you gonna do about it Mr. P-O-W? World War III, bitches!

Oh...fuck me. Please keep this guy as far away from the White House as humanly possible.

Fun Fact: CNN news anchor John Roberts, the man interviewing Saakashvili there, used to be the Canadian Adam Curry.

Update: It occurred to me after I posted this that the actual Adam Curry is probably Canadian too so I looked it up and lo and behold...he's not! I know...I'm as shocked as you are.

Soooo...

A friend of mine calls me last night and offers the opportunity to hop on a Blackhawk next week and fly to some miltary training facility in Vermont, take place in some war simulations, and then shoot M16s and grenade lauchers all day. Sounds awesome, right? Well, my feelings towards this are indifference leaning towards not wanting to waste an entire day of my life flying on war aircraft and shooting machine guns. Where do you stand on this?

A) I have a right to my autonomy and you respect my decision not to give in to testosterone-fueled social norms

B) I should just end it right now and join a knitting circle

That's Not Important

If the Iraq War is one of the most pressing issues that people are concerned about, then is John McCain really running for Office or is he trying just trying to make a complete ass of himself as some kind of hellacious joke.  90% of this country has been sick and tired of this Bullshit war built on lies and manipulation and he, just like Bush, wants to embrace it more than ever.   What kind of logic is this?  Bringing the troops home is not a concern but reducing their death toll is the most important thing?  Do not the two go hand in hand?   I'm sure only Klompus can explain this one. 

Obama better start hammering this guy into the ground soon because the shit he's handing out is a campaign manager's dream.  No doubt the big money war companies that got their wish list fulfilled from Bush are going to be throwing a lot of that profit behind Old Nutsackhead.  I wonder how the troops feel McCain especially after he voted down the bill that would allow them to receive education benefits as part of their veterans benefits package.

The Beat Goes On

So with all of the crazy politics going on here in the states, it's easy to forget that people are still killing each other for no apparent reason over in the middle east. The U.S death toll hit 4,000 yesterday while the Iraqis have apparently lost track. The media sure does love those nice round numbers, don't they? No worries though...our fearless leader has weighed in:

"One day, people will look back at this moment in history and say, 'Thank God there were courageous people willing to serve, because they laid the foundations for peace for generations to come,' " he said. "I have vowed in the past and I will vow so long as I'm president to make sure that those lives were not lost in vain; that, in fact, there's an outcome that will merit the sacrifice that civilian and military alike have made."

While we're in this, I certainly hope he's right. If I can look back at this war someday and be able to comfortably say that it laid the foundation for peace for my children and their children, maybe I can look at this presidency a little more fondly. Right now, I can't envision me ever thinking that he's anything more than a fucking dope.

Throwing Puppies Off A Cliff...

Disclaimer...as the title indicates, this is a video of a couple of soldiers throwing a puppy off of a cliff. If that disturbs you in a way that might completely ruin your day...don't play it. I'd hate to be responsible for ruining your day.

US Soldier throws puppy off cliff - Watch more free videos

...not cool. Look, here's my thing with this. I understand that we can't really relate to any of the hopes and aspirations that a puppy may have but if you're twisted enough to find humor in this act and have no qualms about it whatsoever to the point that you'd videotape it to show people how cool you are...how the hell are you treating innocent civilians out there when there's no camera around? Is it safe to say "not favorably."

Am I being melodramatic in my thinking that these fuckers should be dishonorably discharged as quickly as that process takes or should I just shut the fuck up because they're out there risking their lives for my freedom?

Wait...what were they risking their lives for again?