The Airing of Grievances

Calling You Out, Grylls

On Christmas day I was watching some show on either Animal Planet or Discovery where some dude was completely obsessed with finding the biggest catfish in the world. This is infinitely more fascinating than it sounds. This led to my brother telling me about this Bear Grylls character on Discovery who on the last episode was stuck in sandstorm in the middle of the Sahara so he found a dead camel, sliced it open, and slept inside its belly for the night. Now that’s a fairly useless survival tip for someone like me that’s not really down with putting themselves in situations where there’s a good chance you could die but at the same time, it’s bad-ass enough that I want to watch it. Even if I’m never going to be in a terribly perilous situation, there’s always the chance that I’ll find myself in some testosterone-laced conversation where I can bust out my survival tips and at least sound like you don’t want to fuck with me.

Anyway, I began DVRing this Man v. Wild show and it didn’t disappoint. I won’t go into great detail, but this guy will pretty much eat anything and take any risk that he’s confronted with. I’m much more extreme than I was a couple of months ago just through osmosis…or so I thought. Then this happened…

Our Long National Nightmare Is Over

Just a reminder that the funniest TV show ever will resume at 9:00 tonight after a far too long strike-induced absence. Here's a compilation of "That's what she saids" to tide you over for the next four hours. I guess you'd technically have to watch it like 50 times for it tide you over at which case it would just get annoying after a while, so maybe take the dog for a walk or go down on your significant other (anyone really...I'm not here to judge) or whatever it is you gotta do to waste 4 hours. Just don't be busy at 9:00 est.

No charge for that.

The Wire

Who is watching? Predictions for finale? This show will be missed. Hot to death.

Did not like how Omar went out. Scene when Marlo found out that Omar was calling him out and it was kept from him was some chilling stuff. Superior acting.

Can not believe Griggs rolled.

Loved the way Michael did Snoop. Sad that he couldn't remember.

Lester is The Man.

Interesting and accurate take on The War on Drugs from the writers of The Wire courtesy of DaveinSeattle:

What the drugs themselves have not destroyed, the warfare against them has. And what once began, perhaps, as a battle against dangerous substances long ago transformed itself into a venal war on our underclass. Since declaring war on drugs nearly 40 years ago, we've been demonizing our most desperate citizens, isolating and incarcerating them and otherwise denying them a role in the American collective. All to no purpose. The prison population doubles and doubles again; the drugs remain.

FOX Drops Montel For Being Awesome

In a completely unrelated event...

"The Montel Williams Show" is signing off after 17 years on the air at the end of this TV season.

This comes after Fox TV stations, which carried the show in New York and Los Angeles -- the country's two biggest TV markets -- did not renew the syndicated daytime talker, according to news reports.

Puh-leeze.

Last Call is Back, Baby!!!

I know what you're thinking. Of all the late night talk show hosts to laugh in the face of the writer's strike, why did it have to be the biggest douchebag in late night history? Well, apparently unlike the Lenos, O'Briens, and Lettermans of the world, Carson is not a member of the writer's guild. So, if you're longing for some late night original talk show viewing and you don't mind staying up until like 2 in the morning, and you don't mind that the host is a no talent hack...you can tune in shortly. It gets better though.

I'm assuming you were wondering who is going to actually write his unfunny jokes? That's where you fit in. Apparently, Carson sent out an e-mail to a bunch of friends and family members informing them that he's set up a hotline for jokes and he plans on using their jokes on the show. I suppose he forgot this is 2007 and that there was only like a 1% chance of it not getting on the internet. As usual, The Smoking Gun has come through.

exmpl: It could be as simple as...BEEP "Hey Cars, it's DAD, sorry about the strike, gotta be tough on ya, try this one on the show..2 priests and a rabbi walk into a bar...yadda, yadda. Anyway my back's feeling better, those pills mom got me seem to be working...fnally bye.

The number for the hotline is 818-260-5107. It's tough times for pretty boy douchebag late night crappy talk show hosts. Lets help him out.

Turkey Drop Anyone?

I'm sure there aren't a lot of people around today but for those of you who aren't busy doing whatever it is that people do on the day before Thanksgiving, take six minutes to enjoy the funniest Thanksgiving scene in sit-com history.

"As God as my witness...I thought turkeys could fly!"

Why Do You Hate Jane Seymour?

The site hasn't been updated for a while, so, hey, it's time for a pointless rant.

Here are some facts you'll need to know and somehow accept before I get into this one:

1.) I watch Dancing with the Stars.  Yes, I know it comes on at the same time as Monday Night Football, but, hey, sometimes a guy wants to get up, kick the mud off his boots, stick his pistol in his holster, eat three raw steaks, drink five raw beers and watch the lady from 90210 try to do a rumba while convincing himself that he's still a heterosexual.

2.) I've been so mentally consumed by the political process this year that my mother is officially tired of getting phone calls from me because of all the ranting and bitching I do.  My mother.  That's 100% opposite of how the mother-child relationship works in every other family on the planet.  When your mom sees your number on the Caller ID and lets it go to the machine, you've crossed a line somewhere.  It's time for introspection and apologies.

3.) I'm aware of how retarded the following rant makes me sound.  It's going to be disjointed, possibly hard to follow and remarkably petty in some areas.  I also don't care.  Now, let's move on.

Ladies?

Ummm...do any of you watch The View? Come on, Shmoopie...admit it.

I've personally never seen it because I have a job and I have a penis but being an avid Stern listener, I'm fortunate enough to being frequently exposed to little snippets of it's insanity. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not all threatened by the idea of smart, independent, successful women...I actually even married one. It's just that there there hasn't ever been a co-host that I didn't want to punch in the face.

So, on the way in this morning Stern is interviewing some celebrity (I think it might have been DL Hughley) and he plays a clip from The View. I had to come across this and thanks to youtube... Jackpot.

That's never been an important thing to you? Really?

Really?

My Name Is Peaches And I'm The Best

Did you know American Gladiators is being put back on the air?

In a sense, I'm pleased because, yes, this absolutely means we're within 3 years of the first taping of The Running Man and I can almost taste the popcorn I'm going to eat while watching it. But, in another sense, I'm kinda scared.

See... on NBC's website, they also have the official application to apply to be on the show as either a Gladiator or contestant. As I read it, I saw a bunch of normal things like name, phone number and address. Pretty standard fare for a job application, Wendy's or otherwise.

Then I saw the slot that said, "MySpace." What the fuck? NBC expects applications from 14 year old kids and blog-stealing assholes? Not quite what one expects to be asked about by a potential employer, is it?

I scrolled further. After reading actual questions, such as...

• Have you had any experiences that have traumatized you?
• What conversations are off-limits to you at a dinner party?
• How much skill do you have at tempting the opposite sex?
• In the box below, write a short poem or rap.

...it became clear that NBC is trying to cast a car wreck. Good thing? Bad thing? We'll find out. And hopefully, the audition show will feature potential gladiators trying to beat box. Top notch entertainment.

Hat Tip: Craig

Erectile Dysfunction is Awesome!

For those of you who watch the NFL Network after 10:00 at night as much as I do, you may have seen this commercial about 86 times in the last couple of weeks. It's a wreck from the get-go but every time it comes on I'm forced to sit through the whole sixty seconds. It's so inexplicably bizarre that you have to watch. It's the Clockwork Orange of limp dick commercials.

Apparently, a bunch of impotent middle aged fellas have met up in a dingy bar in what appears to be a ghost town whereupon they've all decided it's time to pop some Viagra. Logically, this leads to an impromptu jam session about what each guy would like to do now that he's consumed the pill while they wait for their boners. During the guitar solo, a fast talking man tells us that it may cause flushing, headaches, and abnormal vision and of course to beware of those dreaded four hour erections. Finally we see the men rushing out of the bar and dancing with each other, then speeding off apparently to go grab themselves a little sumptin' sumptin'.

I have no funny or even remotely interesting anecdotes to add to this. It pretty much stands alone. I think I've said too much already.