The Airing of Grievances

I Hope You're Sitting Down

In this week's edition of News That Is Surprising to Exactly Nobody, Paula Deen came out of the pantry and revealed her secret life as a diabetic. 

I'm strongly tempted to do a Chiles-trademarked "that is all" here, but it's possible that you may be one of the 12 assholes I meet every month who tell me they don't watch TV and that, when they do, it's only the Walking Dead.

Paula Deen is a TV chef / famous southerner / gravy advocate. Everything she cooks comes with a light coating of Ronald McDonald's semen on it. You can't even attempt to make one of her recipes at home without wearing a pair of pants with an elastic band. Of course she's going to get diabetes. Of course.

I wish her well. Up next, "Tim Tebow is secretly gay" and "Mitt Romney is caught on video using the N-word a lot."

Sorry, This Is Not Political

It is more important than stupid politics, whether Christine O'Donnell thinks that amendments are a flavor of Altoids or Alvin Greene thinks that selling tiny figurines of himself will raise enough money to fight crime in New Orleans. Oh no. This is far more important.

This is a deliberate attempt to mislead by Country Time Lemonade.

There are certain things you can count on in life. Death. Taxes. James Harrison killing Cleveland Browns. And on that list, I would have thought would also be a trust in the wholesomeness and good ol' timey charms of Country Time Lemonade. But oh no...that is not the case. Check this out:

 

 

Do you see that?

"GOOD SOURCE OF VITAMAN C"!?!?!?!?!?!?!interrobang?!?!?!???!?!?!

15% daily value does not a good source of Vitamin C make. 15% is an awful fucking source of Vitamin C. Does anybody read the back of orange juice containers? Drinking a glass of OJ gives you about 7,000% of your daily value of Vitamin C. Seriously, if you eat an orange, you have just taken in enough Vitamin C for about 4 months. That's more Vitamin C than Rod Stewart consumed, and he had to get his stomach pumped after that.

So fuck you, Country Time lemonade. Good source, my ass. If a scurvy outbreak engulfs this country, well...I'm pretty sure you'll all know who to blame.

Shitty Burgers

Here's an interesting little debate. And by interesting, I mean, "Only in fucking America is this even up for debate."

It seems that there are a group of folks out there that would like to see hamburger eliminated from America's diets. No, this isn't a PETA thing, which is good, because those fuckers can eat my dick. These people are folks who have done their research on hamburger, specifically E. Coli contamination and, in some cases, have personally been affected by family or friends dying because of E. Coli related medical issues.

Now, I get the point of when something bad happens to the people we love, we are filled with a mix of emotions that cause us to react in a pretty hard line stance kind of way. People who lose loved ones to drunk drivers take that stance, as do people who die by firearms, drugs, etc. But hamburger? Somewhere, Ray Kroc is rolling in his Hamburglar casket.

Now, I have an issue with this. Why? Because I love burgers. I love hamburger helper. I cook chili with it. I'll put it's grease in my hair when I'm having a rough hair day. And I don't see the issue with it whatsoever. Really people, this is hamburger. A processed food that billions of Americans eat over the course of a year. And outside of a few isolated incidents where a person becomes infected by a pathogen that kills them, it is a safe food item that has made many people not go hungry, so relax. Not to mention we are debating an issue that only could be had in America. Millions of people are starving world wide, and here we are saying "burgers are bad for you. Eat Tofu." Fuck you. Ask the people of Darfur whether or not they are worried about poop in their food. You won't find one. Why? They don't have shit to eat anyway, nor time to worry about poop in the food they have.

With that being said, and while I agree that some food processing plants are shady and could use an ass kicking, "banning" anything is bad. Banning a food item because 3 people ate undercooked meat that reeked of bovine ass and died is going way the fuck overboard.

Really, I just loved the quote, "We have eyes in the front of our head. We have fingernails. We have ... teeth and long legs. We were designed from the get-go ... so that we could chase down smaller, stupider creatures, kill them and eat them."

Case closed.

Domination!

A few months ago, I was inspired so much by Aaron's Six Pack in Six Months campaign that I decided to put down the whole pizza and 12 pack of Pabst and join a gym. That means nothing really, other than I am proud of the fact that I no longer get winded bending over to tie my shoes and I can run a few miles without the need for a defibrillator and a non-rebreather mask afterward.

It being the July 4th holiday, and me not having any fucking friends or a life, I found myself at said gym doing my thing with the other Guido's with their full gallons of water and cases of Rip Fuel. It was here I was watching ESPN's coverage of what I might call sheer domination of any kind in any competitive event. But comparisons to Tiger Woods and calling him an American Hero? That's a big stretch (pants). The "this is the reason why the rest of the world hates us" take might not be that far off, however.

Mr. Chestnut. Nice job on that three-peat. Way to represent the good ol' US of A and show that Jap fucker what a real man can do! Here's some Gas-X. I imagine your ass will be smelling like South Philly soon.

Time To Dust Off That Food and Drink Tag

This is why you're fat.

Yes, that's really bacon-wrapped meatloaf with a layer of macaroni and cheese in the middle. It's probably one of the healthier things you'll find on that site.

Good Lord.

How It's Made

I don't really have a lot of time to mess around over here this week as I'm trying to squeeze five days of work into three but in light of Assman honoring my request for an NBA draft diary without the New England smugness, I'll reciprocate in the best manner possible...bacon. I do believe this is my first use of the food and drink tag as well. All I have left is real estate, art, and web/tech. I should be there by the end of the decade.

Like you're not ordering a BLT for lunch after that?

Overstatement of the Week: Swing Low, Sweet BBQ

Perhaps it should be "Dumbest Simile of the Week," but it doesn't matter.  Here's what happened.  The Black Cultural Council in Odessa, Texas held their annual Juneteenth celebration in recognition of the Union Army's June 19, 1865 arrival into Galveston to deliver news of freedom to those still enslaved after the Emancipation Proclamation.  Part of the festivities is to provide free BBQ sandwiches to attendees.  When health officials questioned the safety of the sandwiches given state health regulations, BCC President Jo Ann Davenport-Littleton said the following:

"I wanted people to go away talking about how great the celebration was this year. All you heard was `They were going to deny us barbecue. Here we are in modern-day slavery again.' "

Really?  First of all, "modern-day slavery AGAIN?"  What's the other modern-day slavery?  Second of all,  who's being enslaved?  The BBQ sandwiches?   And the most obvious: no BBQ = slavery?  Don't get me wrong, I love me some BBQ and would be pissed if someone came between me and a pulled pork sandwich (especially a free one).  But unless the health department officials confiscated the sandwiches and ate them with a bunch of rich, white landowners -- I don't see the comparison.  And above all else, how would slaves have felt if someone said their plight was akin to being denied BBQ?  Probably not so honored. 

Finally, who else is hungry looking at that picture?  I would be if I didn't have my sight and smell currently hijacked by dead rats.  If I saw a rat wearing a cyclist outfit, I'd be homicidal.

My Final Four

Who is in yours?  And who walks away with the hardware?

Check this site out for those who like to compete for fun.

St. Patty's Day

I can't wait.  Typically I cook a corned beef (served with whole grain dijon mustard); braised cabbage in bacon; and some delicious potatoes.  Things shouldn't be different this year.  However, my favorite bar in the ATL is re-opening and the Guinness display just went up in Kroger.

Carbombs, here I come.

Rice Just Slows You Down

The first part of this could have been one of my Grievances.

People always tell me "Thank god it's Friday," as if Friday is the best day of the week. You know what? Thank god when it's Saturday. Saturday is the day of divine gratitude. Thank some lesser demi-gods for Sunday, as, unlike Saturday, Sunday night is usually filled with wretched thoughts of Monday morning. But don't thank any gods for the cock-tease that is Friday. Friday is just another day at work. Granted, you get to wear jeans, don't undertake any major efforts and spend the evening defiling yourself (and others if you have the proper marital aids), but thanking god for a day that ranks as 2nd or 3rd best in the week (4th, if you like American Idol) seems silly. I'll have no more of it.

The second part of today's post is about a topic near and dear to me. The buffet.