Look At Me, Kruger.

Yes. Look at me when I'm talking to you. Have some respect.

Yeah, you can make fun of Newman's pictures, or tell him that he just doesn't get it, you can even tell him to go fuck himself with Challenger shrapnel. He's a man. He's 40. He can handle it.

But do you get it? Do you really? And do you think I'm at all happy about this? Do you think me and my whale buddies sit around high-finning each other because we are soon to be the talk of the net? Then Kruger...and I mean this with all due respect...you don't know shit about whales.

Seriously, Kruger. You don't know a whale from your fucking tampons. Which, by the way, can give you TSS even if you only stick them in your ass. How do I know this? I READ IT ON WIKIPEDIA! And once that's gone, all you'll know is all I know. Because whales will be the last things left on the internet to ask. Just us. Ask a whale! We'll give you the right answer. Or we might. Fuck if I care what I tell your dumb ass.

We whales are generally private creatures, Kruger. We do not want this attention, this spoktlight. In fact, we detest it. And you worry about the effect of applying the laws of SOPA and PIPA to things like 9 year old girls singing a karaoke version of "Put It In My Mouth" on Youtube, and rightfully so. But you don't give a fuck about us. About the whales. About the effect on us, on our communities, on our children...or calves or cows or whatever. I don't know what we call them. Because fucking Wikipedia is down. But rest Goddamned assured that we love them and we do not want to see it come to this just as much as or maybe even moreso than you humans. And I swear on Paula Deen's diabetes that we'll do all that we can to stop this from coming to fruition.

But in the end, Kruger, we are just whales. Just stupid, pointless whales swimming pointlessly in some pointless water living our whole entire pointless existence, right Kruger? But you humans...you can do something about this. And I don't mean you can comment on some blog posts or raise awareness or shave your pubes or whatever it is that white people love to do these days. Get out the pen and the motherfucking paper and write to your Congressman. Write to your Senator. Write to the fucking President. You don't even have to talk about PIPA every time. Write to your local Representative just to say hi. See how the wife and kids are holding up. But please, do something.

And when you do, Kruger, when you do...we just ask that you put in a polite word for us whales. We trust that's not too much to ask.

Comments

[Vandelay]

If that Beluga had access to Wikipedia, he'd know you're not 40.

[Mr. Kruger]

if i were to tell you that both whales and dolphins evolved from a prehistoric dog that lived in pakistan 100 million years ago would it make a difference? would it fix the internet? would i be able to google cetacean sexual assault and read through a 15 mbs of well-referenced discourse on deviant whale behavior?

but it's irrelevant. because a killer whale is not an actually whale. pre-darwinian spearchuckers with jesus on the brain decided to call them that BECAUSE IT'S A BIG ASS SCARY AS FUCK FISH! so if you're going to use a picture of an orca dolphin doing its gay aerial hard-on dance have the sense not to call it a whale. because i'm willing to bet that that little gray pussy whale in the pic above would shittin itself stupid if orca dolphin came around.

[Vandelay]

I'm gonna say not a fish either though.

[Mr. Kruger]

honey badger don't give a shit.

[AssIdiot]

But dolphins are just cute whales that like tuna. They both have blowholes, right?

Wikipedia is down, so you can't dispute me.

[Jeff]

Kruger both wins and loses for using the word "cetacean" in his post and then subsequently calling an Orca a fish.

[Mr. Kruger]

well, actually, i was paraphrasing what a fisherman might say. you know, in the old days when anything that lived in the water was a fish.

[KennyBania]

I watched this totally sweet special on Orcas a while back. These fuckers hunt sharks, and EAT them.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3uBFUumm3Dk

Big swinging dicks of the sea.