I Hope You're Sitting Down

In this week's edition of News That Is Surprising to Exactly Nobody, Paula Deen came out of the pantry and revealed her secret life as a diabetic. 

I'm strongly tempted to do a Chiles-trademarked "that is all" here, but it's possible that you may be one of the 12 assholes I meet every month who tell me they don't watch TV and that, when they do, it's only the Walking Dead.

Paula Deen is a TV chef / famous southerner / gravy advocate. Everything she cooks comes with a light coating of Ronald McDonald's semen on it. You can't even attempt to make one of her recipes at home without wearing a pair of pants with an elastic band. Of course she's going to get diabetes. Of course.

I wish her well. Up next, "Tim Tebow is secretly gay" and "Mitt Romney is caught on video using the N-word a lot."

Comments

[Captain Freedom]

"You can't even attempt to make one of her recipes at home without wearing a pair of pants with an elastic band."

I'm stealing that and not giving you credit. Thanks!

[Aaron]

Pretty much everything you wrote here is hilarious. Coz it's true.

[Newman]

I had heard of her but I had no idea how she cooked. So s my d. After you finish s-ing the first 11, that is.

[Mr. Kruger]

i've never heard her but she's sounds like a fascinating person. i guess that's why she's on tv.

[Lisa]

My favorite part was her outrage at the public's lack of concern... I snorted just now, as I wrote that. Cuz...like...it is the most expected thing in the world. I think it would have been shocking to discover she is secretly thin, and only wears a fat suit to make people trust her, but not that she has Type 2. It was sort of like when Ellen Degeneres came out. I was like, "Huh? She's in???"