NBA Draft 2011

Considering that it's 2011, it would make sense for me to do this thing on Twitter. I know that. Long form writing isn't in vogue, or something. Twitter is in real time. Apple is doing shit in the iCloud. Woo. The future rocks.

But here's the story... I like doing this, so I'm doing it. If the teenagers don't read it, that's great because I hate teenagers and there's a good chance I'm going to make fun of some of them later. It's the NBA Draft. It's Thursday in late June. This is my holiday. I'm at BW3 with my dudes. We live on the west coast, so we had to skip out of work early to catch the start. We're not complaining about that. Beer is flowing hard and admittedly affecting our opinions. The corpses of several hundred comically disfigured chickens are being dipped in boiling oil and sauces for us to consume in the least forgiving manner possible. Diabetes is looming large in the background. I've already mentally made love to two waitresses and, consequently, became annoyed at everything they mentally had to say when we were done. There's a guy sitting at a table near me wearing a shirt I don't understand. My team, the Pacers have the 400th mid-to-late first round pick of their existence and will use it to draft a guy that I will learn to hate by December. I'm holding a pad of paper, because - guess what - I like writing on paper. And Twitter can fellate me because I couldn't fit that paragraph into 140 characters.

Wait... you know that little divot on your scrotum that separates your balls from each other? That little center-sack area with the line on it? Imagine someone sticking their nose into that spot, wincing hard, then crying. Is there a verb for that? Twitter can do whatever that verb is to me. I'm going long form again. Nose-ball-verb my nuts, baby.

The NBA draft isn't an exact science, but we've been watching it together for several years now, Disembodied Reader, so, in our research, we've picked up on a handful of nuggets that tend to hold true. Here's what we know and agree upon, you and I.

1. Take the best guy available. Always do this. Never don't do this.
2. When you're not sure who the best guy is, take the guy that jumps highest.
3. I don't care if he has a neck tattoo - just take him. He's playing on your team, not dating your daughter.
4. John Calipari doesn't waste his money on bad players. Draft the guys he cancels his lease on.
5. You can't teach height, but tall players who can't play basketball pretty much never improve. Know this.
6. Unathletic guys get a lot of kudos for doing well in college, but can't play for shit in the pros.
7. Any draft with 5 European players slated to go in the lottery is a bad draft.
8. Dirk, Detlef, Pau, Drazen, Kukoc, Kirilenko, Okur, Divac, Smits. There's your list. It's been 20 years of this crap now. Stop it.
9. Character issues matter. Marijuana issues do not. Just like in real life, actually.
10. Drafting winners is overrated. Draft the guy who can jump really, really high while losing.
11. The people who do draft prospect ratings are bored, easily swayed by potential or overstimulated. Take the guy who looks like he can play.
12. The big Chinese guy probably isn't going to work out. There, I said it.
13. Guys who rebound well in college rebound well in the pros. There are almost no exceptions to this.
14. Don't draft a good shooter who can't play defense. Unless your D-League team needs a shooter, of course.
15. To date, nobody has figured out the previous items on this list, so this remains the funniest day of the NBA year.

This draft features a best player who only played 11 games in college due to injury, a second best player who doesn't have a clearly defined position, several European prospects who will be resoundingly terrible and at least three guys who, someday in a few years, will play the role of 'blank' in the following tirade:

"Wait, why are we paying ____________ all that money for the next three seasons? Jesus, this team is fucking screwed. We need a point guard, but we can't sign anyone because our GM is an idiot and ____________ can't get off the bench. I wish he'd just tear an ACL then take a medical retirement. Have some goddamned dignity about himself. The summer of 2019 can't come soon enough. And why is Sarah Palin still in the fucking news!?"

So, I'm excited. And with all that clear, let's chronicle the events of the evening.

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Tonight's draft hosts are the Unapologetically Racist Jay Bilas, the Son-of-a-Dick Jon "I'm Also a Dick" Barry, Jeff "How Did My Partner Get a Coaching Job and Leave Me Here?" Van Gundy and Stuart "This Table Was a Little Too White, So They Called Me" Scott.Lots of fun, but I don't expect to hear many opinions that I can respect.

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My friend Ryan likes basketball but doesn't root for any particular NBA team. Today, he's decided to remedy this by choosing a team to become a fan of. His final choices? Either the New Orleans Hornets (he's a Saints fan) or the Los Angeles Clippers (he hates himself). That's like choosing between a 3-day weekend and a 7-year bout with bullemia. I have no idea why this is even a debate.

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They're showing clips of some of the prospects right now. Call me crazy, but Enes Kanter looks like one of the bad guys  from Tangled. Whatever team takes him will lose all female fans between the ages of two and seven.

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Little conversation here about the upcoming lockout in the NBA. This is a unique situation. This might be the only time in labor history where there's been a work stoppage and all customers of the company involved are like, "Yeah, this is a good thing. You guys really need to figure this shit out."

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David Stern looks old. Next year, he might come to the podium wearing a cardigan and offering the audience hard candy.

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Kyrie Irving goes first to the Cavs, further proving Jason Kaponovich's theory that the less you see a guy play, the better you think he'll be. If you're a marginally decent Division I freshman next year... and I'm saying this is all earnest... head out to your first game, kick some ass, then pull a hammy and never touch the court again. You won't be drafted later than #12. Kyrie didn't just have a short season, but he also refused to work out for teams, which means there are only 11 times in his life that he's played basketball against people that weren't in high school. We're sure about this guy?

Other things of note here:

- Who is this more of a victory for? Guys named Kyrie or guys named Irving? Neither one has typically been associated with athletic success in the past. If your name was Kyrie, you probably grew up hating Mr. Mister and if your name was Irving, you probably helped Mr. Mister with their 1988 tax refund. But after today? Your legacy doesn't look too shabby.

- In four years, when Kyrie leaves Cleveland to sign with the Lakers... how apologetic is he going to be in the press conference? Does he drive around town tossing cash out of his car windows during the six hours leading up to it? Not only has Cleveland been exposed as the most vindictive city in the country when it comes to these things, but the rest of America feels so sorry for them that we'll root for a weenie like J.J. Barea in order to get revenge. Would you even be surprised if his agent claims the Lakers kidnapped him and forced him to sign the paperwork? This is a delicate matter going forward.

- Considering the history of Duke point guards and just how deeply detestable they've all been (Wojo, Capel, Hurley, Jason Williams, Will Avery, et al), would you be at all surprised if Kyrie calls a cocky press conference announcing that he was signing with a rival team while wearing a Lebron James jersey at some point? Then smugly acted like he had no idea why anyone was annoyed at him? Seems like something one of Coach K's proteges would do, right? I mean, if the House of Slytherin had a basketball team, he'd be their coach. I certainly hope Ohio is setting their expectations accordingly.

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What is an Alonzo Gee and why does it start at small forward for the Cavaliers?

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Quick graphic here - other top picks by the Cavs include:

- LeBron James (left town in a bloody heap)

- Brad Daughterty (knees exploded in a bloody heap; does studio work for stock car racing instead of basketball)

- Austin Carr (Austin Carr)

Feel good about your chances of things ending well, Kyrie?

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The Wolves take Derrick Williams and, despite what anyone says, I don't have any reason to believe he's not Cedric Ceballos. Same height, same game, same everything. When he's dunking on Alonzo Gee while wearing a blindfold later, don't act like I didn't warn you.

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Yesterday, on their Facebook page, the Indiana Pacers asked the question, "Hey, who do you think we should draft?" To which my immediate response was, "You're not serious, are you? Clearly you already have a plan in place." But let's be optimistic and assume this was part of a community cultivation strategy from their social media people.

The responses are what gave me pause. They mostly included:

"Take Jimmer. I, quite frankly, don't know anything about basketball, but this guy I like."
"Take Matt Howard. We need more local talent. People from other places are... different. We don't take kindly to the... different."
"Take a black guy. Don't care who. Let's win some fucking games."
"Trade the whole team. These bums don't fit in."

Since I don't live in Indiana, social media provides my only forum for conversation with other Pacer fans. Typically, conversations about basketball teams include things like, "we need better rebounding" or "our coaching scheme doesn't allow our best players to thrive." Pacer fans, for some reason, don't concern themselves with these things. We tend to want to draft people that we want to run into at the supermarket and we categorize folks as either "like us" or "not like us" instead of "good at basketball" or "Matt Howard." As a guy who prefers basketball-centric conversation, it's probably best that I don't live there.

Now, back to making fun of people's names and inventing verbs that describe sexually degrading acts.

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The Jazz draft Enes Kanter. Apparently, Roscoe P. Coltrane let him have the night off so he could attend the festivities.

By the way, next season, get ready for an epic showdown in Salt Lake City. It's going to be Mormons vs. Turks battling for the "Irrationally Over-Eager Support For Our Own People" Cup. I honestly have no idea which group is more rabid in their support for undeserving athletes. Let's get a tracker going.

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Watching some film clips. Enes Kanter takes about 35 seconds to get a jumpshot off and shoots it from his forehead. Serge Ibaka just tied a bib around his neck and started salivating. Good luck against NBA talent, buddy. Jesus.

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With the fourth pick, Cleveland takes Tristan Thompson. I hear occasional comparisons to Lamarcus Aldridge, but he looks more like a college version of Robert Horry.

By the way, does it concern anyone else that pretty much everyone in this draft compares favorably to someone whose pro career could be summarized as, "ehhhh... he was... like... I mean... I wouldn't say he was a HUGE disappointment"? We're this close to comparing lottery picks to David Wingate and Terry Dehere. This isn't a great draft, y'all.

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I've decided I'd like to gnaw on the woman at the next table for about an hour. My friends say, "hey, you're drunk," and "come on - that's a bad idea." I suppose I'll trust their judgement this time.

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The Raptors draft something called Jonas Valanciunas. I'm not sure what it is, but it won't be able to leave Europe for a year, so... pass?

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After watching some Zapruder film:

Jon Barry: "So tall. And a good athlete."
Me: "Dorky. And a very bad athlete."
Jay Bilas: "Very long. Plays above the rim."
Me: "Long, but clearly playing well below the rim. Are you guys watching the same footage as me?"

When I've had enough beers, I like to pretend I'm on TV.

_______________

The Wizards draft super European athlete, Jan vesely. Meanwhile, John Wall just started marathon-vomiting. In fact, as you read this sentence, he's still vomiting. I'm starting to get concerned that he'll dehydrate.

My friend Ryan loves the pick saying the guy dunks hard for a Euro. Which is kinda like saying he reads well for a dog.

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The Bobcats use the next pick to draft super-defender Bismack Bo Outlaw Biyombo. Awesome, but considering they traded away Stephen Jackson earlier today, who the hell is going to score any points for this team?

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Bismack's interview is a gem. His voice is so garbled it sounds like he has Dikembe Mutombo in his mouth. And he's made out of pure blackness! X-Clan isn't this black! Bismack Bambaataa! Woo!!

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The Pistons draft Brandon Knight from Kentucky and I think it's a great pick.

One, this Rodney Stuckey bullshit can finally stop there. Let's get a real point guard on the roster. Two, John Calipari finally frees up some cap space so he can rebuild a more well-rounded team next year. Lots of positives.

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The Bobcats use their next pick to take Kemba Walker and there's my answer to the question of who will take all the shots there.

Fact: The Charlotte Bobcats love drafting players who won in college.
Related fact: The Charlotte Bobcats lose a lot of games.

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Alright, I admit it. I've been tweeting this shit too. I'm drunk and I'm tweeting! I love you, Twitter! You don't have to noseball me, baby1 Take me back!

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 The Kings draft Jimmer Fredette! Woo! He's off the board! Indy can't take him!!

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Do we know if Jimmer has sisters? If so, Demarcus Cousins and Tyreke Evans are going to get them excommunicated by the end of training camp.

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This just in - there's rioting in Salt Lake City since they can't get Jimmer on the Jazz. Several buggies have been set on fire. It's a goddamned fiasco!

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John Barry and Jay Bilas are redefining the word "smug" tonight. They're this close to finding a homeless guy and filming Trading Places II together.

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Golden State drafts Klay Thompson. He may never ever see the ball again.

Klay looks a bit like Asshole Brandon Roy.He looks like the guy that'd sleep with your girlfriend, then blame you for it.

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Utah takes Alec Burks to fill their hole at shooting guard. Love the pick. They needed this guy. They were about to start Raja Bell again. Love it like I love all the clocks and seahorses and seashells and seashell things.

I even love the name 'Alec Burks'. It sounds confident and witty. I want to whisper it into someone's ear passionately. And I still want to gnaw on the lady at the next table, but, again, my friends remind me that this is illegal.

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Hey! A split screen conversation between Jeff Van Gundy and Mark Jackson where they joke and give each other a hard time. I dig it. And those tears are... uh... my allergies flaring up.

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The Suns take Markieff Morris, whose twin brother was rated higher than him. This would be the 700th time the Suns take the inferior brother in a draft. At this point, it wouldn't surprise me to find out they changed the team mascot to Esau.

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Markieff's highlights include a graphic saying he "seals off very well." Yeah? That's the big skill he brings to the table? What about "never eats the last slice" or "great taste in movies."? Those never came up?

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Houston takes Marcus Morris, presumably in a giggle fit at the Suns' expense.

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So, this is a good time to be a Pacer fan. We're up next on the clock and need a forward who can rebound or a shooting guard. The best players available are Kawhi Leonard and Ken Faried (forwards who rebound) and Jordan Hamilton (a shooting guard). Also? Not Jimmer.

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And we take Kawhi Leonard. He's got cornrows. I'm good.

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Kawhi's scouting report says he has freakishly big hands and super strength. Is he a basketball player or The Thing? Either way, I'm spending all day on YouTube tomorrow watching film.

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Philadelphia drafts big Euro Nikola Whogivesafuck. And - I'm sorry - are we really trading Kawhi for George Hill? A decent backup who is neither a rebounding forward nor a shooting guard? But who IS a local Indiana player?

I need this rumor kiboshed. Kibosh it, I say!

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The Knicks draft Iman Shumpert. David Bowie gets excited about the added household income.

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The Wizards take Chris Singleton and, apparently, we're not just trading Kawhi for Hill - but we're also giving them the 42nd pick and one of our prospects for him? And we're using our trade excpetion to pull it off?! This is happening?

This is like being charged $100 for a Denny's Grand Slam and, after seeing the mistake on the receipt, adding another $45 in tip.

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The Bobcats take Tobias Harris, whoever that is, and now I'm both drunk and angry. Bad combo. That lady is getting gnawed on whether she likes it or not!

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A little comedy to lighten the mood. Suns GM on why he took Markieff the Inferior instead of Marcus the Superior: "Who knows?" Wait... you do, Lance! You're the one that did it!

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The Wolves take Donatas Motejayeahsomething. Fuck this. Just... fuck it! Damn!

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We're at pick 20-something. How is Jordan Hamilton still available? And is there any chance George Hill would be willing to tattoo the Larry O'Brian Trophy on his bicep this summer?

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Portland drafts Nolan Smith. Sadly, Nolan missed the pick as he was in his bathroom at home not expecting to hear his name called for another hour.

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Denver takes Ken Faried, who I love.

His footage is great. Lots of rebounds. Using two hands. Making big moves. I... I'm happy for you, Denver. You were the better team. You deserved him. Now... you... just make sure you treat him right, okay? *whimper* He deserves the best!

 

I'm going to bed.

Comments

[tory burch]

I really enjoy reading your blog, because you have a very clear opinion of things and stand up to it, which I respect a lot. However, I am often astonished,

[jackie]

Always an enjoyable read. Manu doesn't make the cut?

What you got on Iman? I know nothing of college hoops.

[Assman]

Manu doesn't make the cut?

Yeah, he's an omission. And you can stretch and add Sarunas Marciulionis. But the point stands. Over the past few decades, the Euros haven't exactly been bringing down the house.

[jackie]

Oh, I completely agree that the point stands and kind of felt like a dick for even asking if you happened to miss one. I totally hear you on the Euros.

Couldn't agree more with 6 and 9.

[Vandelay]

So great Assman. Once again, you put a certain naricissistic Masshole that works for ESPN to complete shame.

I have a mental picture of the girl at the next table and just from you talking about it so much, I think I'd like to gnaw on her as well.

Brilliant DOOC reference.

I'm so glad that the Celtics traded Brooks because I love Brooks and I hate the Celtics and now I get to root for that coming back to haunt them.

Fuck you as well for leaving him off your wish list.

[Assman]

...kind of felt like a dick for even asking if you happened to miss one.

For what? I missed one. I debated added Arvydas too, but he wasn't enough of an NBA player to care. And the jury remains out on Marc Gasol. But, again, point stands.

Once again, you put a certain naricissistic Masshole that works for ESPN to complete shame.

He and I aren't really doing the same thing. He DVRs these things and chronicles accurately. I'm quickly scribbling between bites of onion rings and posting before I go to sleep. If I was being paid for this, I'd make a real effort.

I have a mental picture of the girl at the next table and just from you talking about it so much, I think I'd like to gnaw on her as well.

Yes.

[Vandelay]

If I was being paid for this, I'd make a real effort.

That's my point though...it's still funnier.

[jackie]

For what?

For adding nothing but a nitpick to a great post.

Agree jury is still out on Marc Gasol, dude regressed this year. I also submit that before all is said and done Gallinari will be an addition to the list.

I see Shumpert never broke 40% from the field in three years of college. I know nothing of him, other than some espn columnist who absolutely killed him pre-draft, but that type of shooting doesn't leave me with much confidence.

[Assman]

I see Shumpert never broke 40% from the field in three years of college. I know nothing of him...

I know even less. But I did the math that said a bunch of teams would rather draft what appear to be horrible foreigners before they draft him, so my expectations are set.

[Noise Headphones]

Nfl Wholesale Jerseys to buy herself something to do. "Well, do not tell you," Han Han mysterious smile, you stupid fool is his birthday tomorrow, do not know. I have this CD How one can get something fans. Ha ha ... Area under Nfl 2012 Jerseys stars at night is so quiet, quiet you can hear the calls of cricket on and off. "What to buy him good?" Lying in bed, Han Hansi test the "what to buy that blue fool it?" "No matter what tomorrow to see what a good Nfl Jerseys Wholesale."

[DFS]

that....was pretty awesome. good stuff

["the" Tony Cooke]

The excitement of being the new sixers:

http://i.imgur.com/sjkbK.png

[Tim, the Doctor...Whatley!]

Well done, Assman. I like you're posting from B-Dubs as well. Reminds me of a certain Festivus from a year or so ago, and we all know how that one turned out. It hasn't ended actually. Heh.

Now, tell me the real important details. That woman you gnawed on. How did that go? Because to be honest, the draft bores me.

[Assman]

That woman you gnawed on. How did that go?

I wish I had an answer here.

[Jeff]

Unfortunately, I missed the draft and this was the perfect way to correct that. Thanks for the laughs, Assman!

[ldx223]

He is a great player!
I love him!

[jsy2020]

I love your articles!
I really enjoy reading your blog, because you have a very clear opinion of things and stand up to it, which I respect a lot. However, I am often astonished

[Coach Factory Outlet]

of days behind him elderly, day wrecked forces are not a Dragon Temple can rival! "Dragon Heaven. Smiled and shook his head to World of Warcraft, not words, physique flash back to Yang

[Jack Klompus]

What's up with the comment spam these days? When did Isaac the boy preacher from Children of the Corn get online?

[beach wedding invitations]

Albert and Charlene, married in grand weekend ceremonies in Monaco, are former Olympians. Albert competed in five Winter Olympics as part of Monaco's bobsled team. Charlene swam for South Africa in the 2000 Sydney Olympics.

[save the date wedding magnets]

"Countless weddings have been performed in Hindi Cinema, but this is the first time that I have come across someone so keen to be in the limelight that he can go far enough to claim to have married Genelia D'Souza off," Shah said in a statement.

[golf head cover]

Thanks you!
Your wonderful performance and efforts to pay..

[GOLF manufacturer]

It is wonderful!
Thanks for you!

[golf goods]

I like him!

[golf ball]

I see Shumpert never broke 40% from the field in three years of college. I know nothing of him, other than some espn columnist who absolutely killed him pre-draft, but that type of shooting doesn't leave me with much confidence.

[golf ball]

He is a great player!
I love him!

[golf ball]

Thank you!

[tods shoes]

I also just received an email that another product had been added and sure enough, there was a brief but informative description for it, too!

[Janay]

What a joy to find someone else who thikns this way.