Not sure if you guys have heard, but there's a pretty big football game this weekend. There's also the NFC Championship game.
So let's do this. Out a little late celebrating MLK week last night but I got a Red Bull and now I have wings. Just like jets. I also have a huge fuselage.
(Warning....this is going to be extremely profane)
How can the Jets win this game, though? The media is slurping their story right up. Loving it! "These Jets just love the spotlight". "They play huge on the big stage". "THEY BEAT THE PATRIOTS!". Shouldn't this put their disrespect tanks on E while the Steelers have enough disrespect fuel to get 30 miles out of a Bugatti? I don't think that's fair, so I'm going to give a little bit of fuel to the Jets. Some motivation sauce. Some no one's believin' semen all over their faces.
And I'm starting with my boy Sanchez!
Sanchize! The Sannibal! Santon, Ohio! Speckled Thunder! Mexual Assault! Sanche Deveraux! There really is no faggier QB in the NFL right now. Not even Brady. No one compares to Broadway Jose. Look at that fucker! At least Brady went to Michigan, for Noll's sakes!
The main problem with these comparisons and nicknames and annointings and baptisms and knightings and reverse musclefuckings is that Sanimal is just not that good. He's serviceable. But serviceable QBs are not supposed to get blown this fervently. No one was suckin' Neil O'Donnell's ball-controlling taint. Look at Santera's QB ratings in his first two years...63 and then a big sophomore boost to 75 this year. He's a Mexican Jamarcus! A Puerto Rican Kordell Stewart! Ok, maybe he's not as bad as those two, but he's about as efficient as a Buick Skylark. He averages about 0.1 yards more than Jamaal Charles did this year...ON HIS FUCKING LEGS. Sanchonio has a long way to go if he has dreams of becoming...oh, I don't know, an above average quarterback in this league. He also surely knows what dick tastes like. LOOK AT HIM! That guy loves the taste of penis. 
Tomlinson. Fuck this guy. I HATE LaDainian Tomlinson. Always have. With his gay little visor and his whiny douchiness...he's just as douchey as the guys he's always complaining about. He was like a black Philip Rivers when it came to douchiness. "Midnight Douche". Always complaining about the team that beat him celebrating. Homo.
To be fair, he did play pretty well last week in his first ever playoff game. Or at least the first one that I can remember him playing in. You can usually tell that it's January when LT starts peddling the exercise bike on the sidelines. Whenever Midnight Douche picks up his standard 6 carries for 3 yards. With that stupid visor to keep the jizz out of his eyes. He probably gets the dark one so you can't tell that he's starting at dicks. Go ahead Jets...run on the Steelers with this retread. The guy who "came back" with a huge 700 yard season. The guy who proved that he still had it by averaging 4.1 yards a carry. That's legendary, right there. San Diego should have never cut you, Midnight Douche! Do you how hard it is to pick up an average running back these days??? It's like finding a needle in a stack of needles!
Fuck you, LT. Fuck you with Lawrence Taylor's dick.
You. YOU! You fucking dick. I almost bought your jersey but you just haaaadddd to get high again and just hadddd to throw a glass at some woman's face and just hadddddd to talk about all of it on Twitter and haaaaddddd to tell fans to kill themselves and so on and so on. WHY THE FUCK DO YOU TWITTER??!? You have to have that filter in your head that tells you what not to say in public forums. Like "wake and bake". I don't even care if you just said it because it rhymes. You don't see Ben saying he's going to "watch tape and rape", do you? Do you have some mutated strain of Asperger's that makes you socially retarded? Just don't speak, Gwen Stefani.
Your chronic inconsistency cost me $700 in fantasy this year. YOU'VE GOT BRAYLON EDWARDS OPPOSITE YOU AND YOU MADE HIM LOOK LIKE HE HAS STICKY HANDS! The same Braylon Edwards that dropped a call on the Verizon network! And how stupid do you have to be to let some chick take a picture of you standing in a shower? If you aren't married to her, it's going on the internet. Then again, you've shown a propensity to not give a fuck about what you put on the internet. Wouldn't be surprised if you put it there yourself. Go drink something horrible. 
Bart Scott. You little girl. "Oh my God, Tom Jackson predicted that we'd lost to the Pats**". Who the fuck cares? That's what he's supposed to do. The fact that this was all you could think of after the game shows just how insecure you really are. You fit in well in that herpes purple in Baltimore. Stop the run, Bart! STOP THE MOTHERFUCKING RUN!
There's not much more disrespect left to hurl at Bart Scott. He's out of Ray-Ray's shadow and still isn't a big name. He's still talking though. Let him. I hope Tom Jackson fucks his wife.
AND YOU. Rex fucking Ryan. From the Ryan family of clowns. Your chin looks like John Holmes' dead, AIDS-ey ballsack. How can you get your stomach stapled and still be a fat foot-sucking motherfucker? Did they sew it up with gummi worms? And lose the stupid vest, you look like Jim Tressel's retarded brother posing in the family Christmas photo. I'd tell you to go fuck yourself, but I doubt you could even find your dick. Maybe your wife can kick you in it.
Keep talking about how much you respect the Steelers. No one cares. Fuck you. Fuck you, fuck your brother, fuck your dad, fuck your gameplan, fuck Revis, fuck Antonio "Vaginamite" Cromartie, fuck green, fuck airplanes, FUCK NEW YORK. And then take a shower. Guhhh.
At least you've made Casey Hampton feel good about his chances of becoming a head coach someday. He's got a foot in the door.
Finally some fucking vitriol over this game! All of this mutual respect was boring the living piss out of me!
(Awesome job, Newman)
Posted by: Vandelay | January 21, 2011 at 11:22 AM
Ridiculously and mercilessly funny. Bravo.
Posted by: Dude from Georgia | January 21, 2011 at 11:28 AM
FUCK RESPECT!
Stupid Jets.
Posted by: Ben Roethlisnewman | January 21, 2011 at 11:52 AM
There's also the NFC Championship game.
There is? Who's playing in it. Oh yeah, the fucking Bears and Packers, with the two most cocksuckingly disgusting, fat, hypertensive, ranch dressing shooting, cardiac arrest having NFL fan bases in all of the, well, NFL. Can God please drop a snowball of Anthrax on Green Bay already?
fuck Revis
I'm surprised you didn't go off more on Revis. You know, Darelle "Show Me the Money and when you do I'll go and strain my labia, I mean, Hamstring" Revis. Zero picks? Revis Island is more useless than Haiti.
EDIT: FIXED - Newman
Posted by: Dr. Whatley | January 21, 2011 at 02:05 PM
Oh Christ. I went all Whatley on the italics again.
Posted by: Dr. Whatley | January 21, 2011 at 02:07 PM
Jesus Christ, Whatley. I wish we could at least bet on these things.
Posted by: Vandelay | January 21, 2011 at 02:35 PM
This is probably your funniest post, Newman.
Fuck you, LT. Fuck you with Lawrence Taylor's dick.
He's way too old for Taylor to try and fuck. I can see where Lawrence might hear him complaining about how his peers treat him and confuse him with a teenaged girl, but he's well past his prime.
You fit in well in that herpes purple in Baltimore.
Is herpes purple?
Posted by: Assman | January 21, 2011 at 02:41 PM
Yay! Hate brings out the best in us all.
Posted by: Troy Polanewman | January 21, 2011 at 03:10 PM
Whatley, you disappoint. Don't be hatin' on my Bears. You gotta problem with Polish saaah-sages?
Posted by: bethany | January 21, 2011 at 03:45 PM
Is herpes purple?
I'm not a doctor, but my guess is that yes, it is.
Posted by: H.E. Pennypacker | January 21, 2011 at 07:28 PM
Whatley, you disappoint. Don't be hatin' on my Bears. You gotta problem with Polish saaah-sages?
@ Bethany: Naaah. It's weird. I guess I don't mind the Bears as much as the Packers and I love Polish sausages in a non-sexual kinda way too. I have a few friends who are Bears fans and are fucking obnoxious and still think that whole "Da Bears" skit from SNL back in 1990 is the funniest shit on the planet.
Plus I'm a Lions fan and Megatron STILL caught that pass. No debate.
Packers fans have no excuse. That "Go Pack Go" music makes me want to punch nuns in the throat.
Posted by: Dr. Tim Whatley | January 22, 2011 at 04:18 PM
Hey Whatley, any predictions on the Lions' record next year? They looked awfully good down the stretch. Four wins in a row!
Posted by: H.E. Pennypacker | January 22, 2011 at 05:58 PM
Hey Whatley, any predictions on the Lions' record next year? They looked awfully good down the stretch. Four wins in a row!
Considering the Lions beat the Bears on opening day to finish 7-9, oh and they're a dumb fuck penalty away from beating the Jets, so 8-8, I'm gonna say 10-6 with a sniff of the playoffs. Unless Matthew "Glass" Stafford goes down in the 3rd Quarter of game one again (odds are 4-1 on that).
They need some O-Line and tough guys in the middle of the defense in the draft. Suh is a pure stud and the rest of the front four are tough bastards themselves.
Honk honk. I'm still driving the bandwagon, and it is starting to get heavy with folks.
Posted by: Dr. Tim Whatley | January 23, 2011 at 11:11 AM
Let's just say they have a long way to go before they become the official team of the AofG.
Posted by: Vandelay | January 23, 2011 at 11:31 AM
Let's just say they have a long way to go before they become the official team of the AofG.
It's a pipe dream to think that they'd ever become the official team of the AofG.
Until next years Super Bowl.
Posted by: Dr. Tim Whatley | January 23, 2011 at 09:33 PM
The only issue I take with this post is the fact that you think Sanchez is more gay than Brady. Brady is BY FAR the most homo QB in all of QB history. I want to punch him in his throat every time they show a closeup of his ugly, butt-chinned pussy face! He's more of a bitch than all of the Kardashians, Lohans, Hiltons and the entire cast of Jersey Shore put together. I hate him.
Posted by: April | January 31, 2011 at 10:03 AM
"The only issue I take with this post is the fact that you think Sanchez is more gay than Brady. Brady is BY FAR the most homo QB in all of QB history."
Right, because banging supermodels is MUCH gayer than being obssessed with Broadway musicals.
Posted by: Jack Klompus | February 01, 2011 at 02:20 PM
There's no better way to keep yourself in the closet than to knock up a supermodel. DUH!
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Voices were filled with the majesty of the upper, a black robe from old foot void, as if Rulvpingdi, each step, are stirring in the air from the gas layer of black mysterious ripples. This is like an old
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