2010 Festivus with Assman, Briefly

You want last second, 1/8th assed Grievances? Here they come.

Dear Airing of Grievances, last month, I started writing my Grievances for this day about 50 words at a time. I'd be in my car, negotiating traffic and trying to look sober, then something would pop in my head. I'd think, "Ha ha... yeah... fuck people with fauxhawks..." then I'd scribble a small note on a piece of paper with the idea that I'd add it to the final draft later.

After several weeks of compiling scribbled shards of paper that made my car's front seat look like it held the ingredients for a ransom note, we started approaching this day and hadn't posted the solicitation for entries. I grabbed my papers and tossed them, thinking they'd be useless to me. Now here I am, faking it in 45 minutes. Fun times.

Drawing from memory, here's a fuck you to all technology that's designed to make you dumber. If you're relying on a GPS to get you to stores that you pretty much already know how to get to, you've fallen victim to this. Shouldn't your brain be prepared for an occasional challenge? Shouldn't you sometimes learn to trust your instincts? What happens when a burglar breaks into your house and decides to beat you with a candelabra - the official weapon of burglars everywhere - and you're staring at your phone, wondering if there's an app for self-defense? What happens when you're in bed with your lover, she whispers something she wants you to do, and you've got to run off to your computer to Google "asphyxsiation"? Is that your proudest moment?

How about you step away from the tools of the modern retard and remember how to do something for yourself aside from shitting in a hole?

I've got a large grievance with the American job market. Let's admit a few things to ourselves and get on with life, okay?

First of all, the jobs that are gone? They're not coming back. I know you spent your life learning how to be a sherpa or something, but guess what? Now there's an app for that and fat, retarded America doesn't need you anymore. You're telling people how to get to the top of some mountain and they're like, "Yeah, dick - I downloaded the Google map. Why don't you go park my car or something?" For better or worse, globalization and science has replaced everything we used to think we deserved to earn money for.

Second, if you're thinking of getting a loan to start up your dream business? Don't. Sure, you're the best furniture maker in the world and you can't wait to ply your trade on the mean streets of Amherst, but ten seconds after you open your doors, a 19 year old will start selling the same shit for a third of the price online. Basically, unless you sell drugs, ass or Amway (the three products that have endured longest), you can't win.

Instead of giving us all false hope about green jobs or whatever other modern vaginatude you dig up, just admit that you've got nothing and tell us where the guns are kept. That would save us a lot of time and get the inevitable anarchist revolution on the fast track. Thanks.

One last grievance with our government. I'll be brief.

You win. We give up. We used to think that there was a possibility that we could someday have an adult relationship with you, but it seems we can't. You act like such fucking children that I'm half-expecting to see someone propose a statute next week entitled The Neener Neener, You're A Buttface Act of 2010.

Democrats... Republicans... you know neither of you is completely correct, don't you? If either of you had every single seat in the government and enacted all of your policies, the entire planet would fall off the face of the universe before the end of the week. Our government only works because the opposing philosophies balance each other's worthlessness out. Instead of verbally raping each other on TV and treating the American public like a community of 300 million exhausted parents who can't sort out which kid started the food fight in the kitchen, how about you shut the fuck up and just GOVERN. We don't need the goddamned cockslapping matches on the news shows. We need whichever one of you has more people to try and pass asinine laws and for the other side to try and soften those asinine edges.

That's it. We don't need Sarah Palin's fucking shit about Michelle Obama wanting to make America less fat! We're fucking fat!! We are fucking fat!!! We're fucking fat fucking fucks!!! We don't need Al Franken bitching about net neutrality not being worded strongly enough and claiming he won't vote for a watered down bill! You're getting what you wanted!! You're getting the goddamn law you wanted!!! Stop bitching!!!

In summation... that's the best I could do in 45 minutes. If you were mentioned above, fuck off. The rest of you have a good Festivus.

Comments

[Vandelay]

then I'd scribble a small note on a piece of paper with the idea that I'd add it to the final draft later.

What is this...1992? Ever hear of MS Word? You think that 12 KB is bring down your hard drive? iPhone notes...no?

[Dr. Tim Whatley]

Basically, unless you sell drugs, ass or Amway (the three products that have endured longest), you can't win.

Funny how all three are large parts of the local economy in my West Michigan part of the world. Hell, Amway built this town and if your name is Devos or Van Andel that's full license to get your cock sucked for free for life...from women WITH teeth no less.

[Assman]

Ever hear of MS Word? You think that 12 KB is bring down your hard drive? iPhone notes...no?

Hey... I'm fucking driving, man. And mostly semi-sober. It's a miracle I can even find a pen.

Plus? I'll say it... writing on paper feels better.

[taobaoseeker]

This quite interesting and touch me a lot.

[Cheap Air Jordans]

I believe the fate, believe firmly can look for the life in the world here of another half.

[taobao]

a friend indeed is a friend in need