The Airing of Grievances: What Is Up, Grievers?

(Looking at my clock, as far as I can tell it's officially Festivus so you bet your asses I'm sneaking in first)

Whatley: So get this…I hand over the keys to Whatley this year, as I reluctantly had to forfeit my emcee duties due to “work” of all things. Then he already asks me for help putting up the main post because he inexplicably can’t check the box that clearly states “Keep this post at the top of your blog’s home page” (actual C&P right there). That’s fine too. I’m here to help. So as I go in to Typepad to see what’s queued up I notice that motherfucker was actually going to allow Mrs. Vandelay to kick off Festivus! Mrs. Vandelay!! No, really. WTF? What the hell has she ever done to get to kick off Festivus? She's left like three snarky comments in three years! Is this guy insane? So basically, I’m sneaking in here before this grave injustice comes to fruition because as long as founding father Frank isn’t here, Vandelay kicks off Festivus. Also, isn't referring to Festivus as an "unofficial holiday" some sort of blasphemy around here? Who the fuck hired this cat? How does he even get through HR with that attitude? I’m gonna have to keep this rat bastard on a short leash.

I will confess that I love that Let's kick this pig line though. I wish I had thought of that.

God: Another year is gone and it’s another year that I was a damn good person. I don’t think I bothered anyone. I helped as many people as I could. I committed no crimes. I was a good father and husband. I was nice to my family and friends. Yet, it’s another year that that’s just not good enough for you, is it? Just because I’m not 100% sure that you exist, I’m gonna burn in hell. Why God? Why must you be so insecure?

Facebook: As you may have noticed, I haven’t been contributing to this here blog nearly as much as I was for the two years prior and as a result it really seemed dead at times as I’ve probably always contributed a bit more frequently than anyone. So I suppose I could blame work and by the way I did receive an outstanding annual review so I’m sure there’s some sort of inverse correlation there. I could just blame myself for being lazy but Festivus isn’t about accepting accountability so I’m gonna go ahead and blame...Facebook. That's right.

As I noted in the first post I ever wrote on here, I don’t really think I am the type of person that would make a decent blogger. I suppose I can construct a decent point and I have a fairly distinct voice but I’m not nearly as talented a writer (or talented at all) as an Assman, or as funny as a Newman, or as intelligent and knowledgeable of current events as a Klompus or a Kruger. I really don’t think there is or was ever anything that special about me at all but at the same time I really enjoyed it because I found it completely mind-blowing that people would actually take their time to come here and voluntarily read shit that I had written and that shit would in turn incite cool discussions. Now this is a grievance for another time but I was gonna call that humbling when in reality it would be humbling if nobody ever bothered but it made me feel good. I even got plagiarized! That made me so happy! So anyway if people were really going to take time out of their day to read things that I wrote, I was sure as hell going to take the time to try to do it as well as I could and I’d spend a decent amount of time on some posts to try to be creative and entertaining as possible because I owed them that! Not being what I would consider a talented writer, even my hack work over here did take up some mental energy.

So then Facebook comes along and I’m completely fascinated by this phenomenon. I’ve been through this before but basically three quarters of the people on my Facebook have absolutely nothing funny, interesting, or remotely entertaining to say. Yet just about every day, I go on there and I read this shit. Everyone reads this shit. Not only are they terrible writers…they continually skull-fuck the English language and continually propose the most mundane content that you can possible imagine. Yet, people log on there and read it every day.

- Paul just had coffee.
- Ross is tired.
- Tina is sad.
- SNOW!!!!
- Linda is chillin.
- I’m so mad right now!

Like…what the fuck is that? I’ve spent countless hours trying to find interesting things to post on here and trying to deliver it as well as I can and the main reason is that I owe that much to people for coming here to read it. Then, I go to Facebook, and nobody gives a flying fuck what the hell they post and yet…people come there to read it!!! So, who’s the asshole now? Sometimes, I’ve thought of something I’ve thought was funny and then I’d construct a 1500 word diatribe just so I could fit it into a blog post. Now I’m like, why fucking bother? It’s exhausting trying to entertain the readers of this blog. You’re all erudite and shit. I can’t just tell you that the worst flavored burp is the cod-liver oil burp and be done with it. That’s completely unacceptable but Facebook has completely sucked any creative juices I had right out of me and basically ruined me as a blogger. There you have it. I’m definitely gonna do something about this though. I think. I hope. Probably not.

Steelers: Ugh. I don’t know where to begin and I don’t expect any sympathy so just…ugh. It’s too depressing to even grieve about. I’m almost thinking about demoting them as the Official Team of the Grieve. Don’t get me wrong…if we get in it’s Miami all the way.

My Cafeteria at Work: So they have this policy (I didn’t actually read their handbook but I’m certain it’s a policy) that the cashiers have to be doing something at all times. I suppose they’re trying to maximize efficiency and that’s all well and good but first and foremost they are cashiers. Unless there is already a line at a cash register, you basically have no chance of walking up to it to have somebody just ring up your meatball calzone because you have to wait for them to finish wiping off the coffee area or restock the chips. So ultimately…what’s the message? The message is “Fuck you Vandelay!!! We don’t care how much business you give us. You have a 0 % chance of not waiting to be rung up! Deal with it!” Yeah, so screw that.

The Engineers who Designed the New Kid’s Crest Bottles: Look at this thing. I’m telling you right now…it’s the most worthless, counterproductive invention you’ll ever see. It’s supposed to work in the same fashion as a plastic ketchup bottle but noooo. First of all, it doesn’t stand up on its cover because it's slightly rounded so it always falls over and even if it didn't you can’t expect a 6 year old to be cognizant enough to place it down that way when she is done. Beyond that, it’s impossible to squeeze. It’s hard as a rock. I waste like 4 minutes every morning just trying to get toothpaste out of this thing to get onto my kids brushes because not only is it impossible for kids, it’s a bitch for adults! When half the bottle is gone you pretty much just have to chuck it because you have no chance.

Mrs. Vandelay: For apparently buying like a year’s supply of those Crest bottles because despite how much I despise them, a new one just keeps fucking showing up.

Maternity Leaves: I realize that this is probably an easy thing to counter-argue but fuck it…I got a lotta problems with maternity leaves. I work on a team with three people and the other two are women. We all get 4 weeks vacation and 6 sick days. One of them just went on maternity leave this week which technically hasn’t started yet because she hasn’t even had the baby but I get that not everyone can work until the day their water breaks. The other one has had a baby each in the last two years. So when one of them is out for 12 weeks (one of them is never me), the other two have to split up the other person’s entire job so our workload basically increases by 50%. This means that in three years I will have had 36 weeks (3 whole quarters) where I’m doing 50% more work than is required of me and not only have to bust my ass to get through that but also have to put off projects I’m managing because I have no time. That extra stuff is generally the stuff that you’re reviewed on. Also during those 12 weeks, I’m making the same exact pay I was making in a three-person team and the person at home with child is making the same pay that they are. I understand the legal ramifications and I don’t even think they shouldn’t get a paid maternity leave but really…how is this fair to the one with the penis? That baby doesn’t benefit me at all but I’m the one that suffers as a result of two people’s choice to reproduce while they get all the glory that comes with making a person? Why is that acceptable? (sees Bethany coming and ducks)

Anyone on Either Side of Global Warming: Look, it’s probably real despite that e-mail fudging thing but I’m in no position to defend it against people who think it’s a conspiracy. I don’t particularly care. I'll go Green and shit...I'm crazy like that. Here’s what bugs me…the conspiracy theorist will call bullshit everytime there’s a 40 degree day in June or it snows in Texas. Then the people who believe it will call them retarded but as soon as we have Indian summer they start pounding their chests about Global Warming. Say it with me everyone…local temperatures are not an indicator of global climate. Weather was, is, and always has been erratic. None of that shit supports your argument either way. Capiche?

The Douchebags that I Play Wiffle Ball With: Look fellas…this is getting absurd. I mean by all means keep puffing those chests out and coming back every week like the gluttons for punishment that you are. If you weren’t such simpletons I would have broken your will years ago but not you! Nope…you continue to see every week as another opportunity to do something with the curveball and every week, you go home with your tails between your legs. It’s really beginning to get exhausting. I say we just to get together for a few beers over the winter and mutually come to the conclusion you’ve been so desperately trying to dodge for years: Vandelay is filthy…and you suck. Then we can finally get on to doing something productive with our Sunday afternoons again.

Happy Festivus Everyone.

Now blow me.

7 Comments

So, about those Steelers... yeah... we, uh, we kinda beat you guys there, didn't we? That was nice.

And I don't know what's up with global warming. I'm just going to avoid littering and wasting fuel. Seems reasonable - melting icecaps or otherwise.

Posted by: Assman | December 23, 2009 at 02:15 AM

local temperatures are not an indicator of global climate.

is this the same vandelay that would cry conspiracy every time a snowflake hit the ground in november in ri?

Posted by: Mr. Kruger | December 23, 2009 at 09:27 AM

Vandelay,
I feel your pain about the maternity leaves. Back in the day when I worked for the state legislature, I was one of the only folks in the office without kids, and had to pick up the slack and endure such horrors as the phone tree to get Wiggles tickets. Not to mention all the sick kid sick days. It really pissed me off.
Now that I'm a breeder and a lawyer (hate me twice as much), I work in a law firm too small to really care that I'm away, so my client work comes home with me during my leave...and my husband is the night shift cop, day time dad, so I don't even have the sick kid excuse to take a day off.....hmmm, makes me think I need to get back to a bigger place where people like you can do my work for me while I take an extended leave!
You can't be that busy at work though, based on your FB scrabble move frequency, Mr. Whiny pants.

Posted by: bethany | December 23, 2009 at 09:56 AM

ps, where's my grieve? did it suck that bad?