Welcome To The Grievys!!!

I have no idea what happened to this post and I forgot what I wrote for an intro (something about sucking then being awesome). Anyway...

Grievance Most Likely to Offend a Fellow Griever

Taylor - That's why we are good! You don't want to respect it? Keep using the Al Davis model and enjoy your 2-14 seasons from here to eternity for all I care.

(OHHHH…SNAP!!!)

Grievance Most Likely to Offend the Opposite Sex (Male)

Newman - Also, to the ladies that get all offended or taken aback or shocked or whatever when I ask them if they want to touch my balls or not...fuck yinz. It's not 1958. If I'm talking to you at all and you are a woman that weighs less than me with a pulse and a redeeming feature...don't pretend to be so naive that you don't think I want to do you. That's all I want to do, probably. I want to have intercourse with you. Keep that in mind from the start. I'm not doing carbombs because it's good for conversation. Nice tits.

(Despite the mail-in job this year, it’d be tough to grant this award to anyone else)

Grievance Most Likely to Offend the Opposite Sex (Female)

Bethany - People that say “we’re pregnant”. No. She’s pregnant and you’re a douchebag.

(Wait…what? Fuck you. We don’t want to say “we’re pregnant!” We hate that. It makes us feel completely effeminate. We’re doing it for YOU! What the fuck ever happened to solidarity and shit!)

Best Inside Joke

Kruger - or people who go out for asian food with you and choke on a grain of rice, walk around in circles and then piss themselves. hate that shit.

(Myself and the Mrs. Are the only people who get this reference but trust me…it’s possibly the funniest thing that was typed all day.)

Grievance Most Based in Reality

Me - The Douchebags that I Play Wiffle Ball With: Look fellas…this is getting absurd. I mean by all means keep puffing those chests out and coming back every week like the gluttons for punishment that you are. If you weren’t such simpletons I would have broken your will years ago but not you! Nope…you continue to see every week as another opportunity to do something with the curveball and every week, you go home with your tails between your legs. It’s really beginning to get exhausting. I say we just to get together for a few beers over the winter and mutually come to the conclusion you’ve been so desperately trying to dodge for years: Vandelay is filthy…and you suck. Then we can finally get on to doing something productive with our Sunday afternoons again.

(Am I right…Steve and Edie?)

Grievance Most Based in Fantasy

Brody – Vandelay - Stop your audacious bragging about whiffle to people who can't actually see you play. You keep pushing your luck and my first ever youtube post will be of you and your all too superior curve ball being slammed to pavement for a HR!

(Sigh)

Best Use of Mental Imagery in a Grievance

Assman - Think about it. If you walked out of your office with a beard and cup of coffee that made you look like James Worthy the morning after a Game 7, then went up to a podium and said, "Alright. We thought about it - here's what we're doing about Afghanistan," nobody would get on your balls about the plan.

(This is probably one of those things that isn’t as funny to everyone else as it is to me but picturing him walking up to the podium in an old school Lakers uniform and goggles and a beard actually has me in tears.)

Best Use of Digital Imagery in a Grievance

Kruger

(Just a brilliant veteran move by Kruger having the foresight to recognize that nobody was gonna give a shit what his fucking snowboard is made of and peaking our interests long enough to at least read a couple sentences.)

Best Grievance from a Feline

Peaches - You know what I can't stand? When the humans move their feet around under the blanket, then get all pissed off when you attack 'em in the middle of the night. Am I supposed to know that's not a mouse? Am I a fuckin' mousologist or something? Keep your feet out the fuckin' blanket if you don't want 'em scratched up!
And what is the deal with the goddamned vacuum!? Who wins with the fuckin' vacuum!? Who exactly is that for!!

(Tough act to follow. Tiger never stood a chance. I hope to see Peaches back again next year)

Best Georgia Reference in a Grievance

H.E. Pennypacker - The Conservatives draw their power from western Canada, which is well-known for being, well, not the most progressive part of the country (think "American south" minus some of the guns, most of the racism, and nearly all the love for NASCAR).

(This was a huge letdown and I think Georgia got off real easy this year. Especially when the guy that wins the award is Canadian.)

Best Grievance Towards a Celebrity

Johnnie - Miley Cyrus – I'll just say what everyone else is thinking: when is your sex tape coming out? Seriously. You've already released tweeny self pics and a pole dance that would make Synnamon blush. So are you gunna hurry up and act all Traci Lords or actually wait until you're legal to do it? Don't even front with that Disney shit either. Vanessa Hudgens gets down with dick and she sang and danced her way through high school. And that father of yours is going to try his damndest to keeping himself relevant in any way he can. Call R. Kelly so he can make you believe you can fly.

(You could have really printed off Johnnie’s grievances, taped them to a wall, blindfolded yourself and thrown a dart and still come out with a big fat bowl of win here.)

Best Grievance That Never Came to Fruition

Klompus - I suppose there is also the bit about Delta Airlines' Gold Platinum Medallion & Silver Semen club that apparently everyone has membership to but me. It's essentially come down to being able to get on the plane right after first class and immediately before the one passenger that doesn't need to jam an oversized carry-on into the overhead before some douchebag has a chance to stow his faggot overcoat. Hint, it's really not so "elite" anymore when 95% of your co-passengers have the same privileges you do.

(That had some serious potential)

Most Implicit Grievance

Bill Cross – Whole Thing

(Look, I’ve read this thing like 58 times and I still have no idea what he’s talking about. This often happens with people that are smarter than me so I have no choice but to conclude that this is just a heavily veiled smackdown of one Arthur Vandelay. Fuck you, too, Hoss!!!)

Grievance That was Not Even Remotely a Veiled Smackdown of Me

Nonlinear FC - Northerners living in DC. Hey, guess what Thor, we get that folks in DC freak out during any kind of snow event. Your puffed out chest and constant verbal barrage, proclaiming every denizen of the District "a big hairy vagina" due to their lack of ability to navigate and tolerate the snow is tired, played out clap-trap. Guess what, you chunk of elk anus, the fact that you come from fucking Fairbanks (or St. Paul or Pittsburgh or whatever frozen shit hole you came from) does not mean you've discovered some great secret or masterful insight on the region. It has been said before... A MILLION TIMES.

And here's the thing, Yukon Cornelius, busting on folks that see a decent sized snow storm once every 4 or 5 years is the equivalent of Hawaiians making fun of people from Alaska not knowing how to surf. If you were in Des Moines and people were shitting their pants and freaking out because of a snow storm, fine, let 'em have it. But since you're dealing with folks that very rarely see the White Death, maybe you should realize that running everyone down that can't drive the streets like the grew up on a snowmobile actually makes you sound like an asshole. (Full Disclosure: I grew up in MI, I used to be that asshole... )

(Yup…I’m that guy. Ummm...Sorry?)

Grievance Most Likely to Make a First-Time AofG Reader Never Come Back

Whatley - Hey other peoples kids...you suck. Hey parents of other kids...your kids suck. They aren't all geniuses, they aren't all cute, they aren't all going to play 3rd base for the Yankees someday, they all don't have charming and witty things to spew out of their cheeseburger encrusted mouths and they all don't look so adorable wearing their pink fuzzy slippers and one piece pajamas....they look like fat rubber double dongers, so knock it the fuck off. Seriously. Why is it that most parents I see on a daily basis hang over their brood and just gush at everything their whiny brats that should have been left as a puddle on 200 thread count sheets do? So your chubby "athletic" daughter can walk at nine months? Fuck you, that just means she'll be walking the streets earlier, lowering herself onto anything with a cock because you're too busy updating your Facebook status on the contents of her poop to notice anyway. Hey look, I have kids. I love them too. But my son picks his nose and eats it too often, my daughter has the fashion sense of a 70's Blacksploitation movie hooker and my other daughter seems to be headed for a career as a catcher in women's softball, so they aren't perfect. Your kids aren't even close either. They suck. Tell them to stop whining at the movies too.

(I love that guy. Let’s also give it up one more time to the Doctor for a stellar, practically flawless job emceeing this bitch.)

Best Comment on a Grievance

Kenny Bania - Biting is only reserved in fights to the death.
I also believe that ball hits/kicks are completely acceptable when you have next to no chance at winning a fight, or when you're outnumbered. I also thing bone breaking is acceptable when you're outnumbered. Usually at both of these points I just run, though. I'm pretty fast.

(I don’t care who you are…that’s fucking funny)

Grievance Most Likely to Spawn a Long Drawn Out Argument

Kruger - health care- i spent ten years getting fist fucked by several insurance companies before i was able to get a coveted “state” plan. no less than a third of my annual salary went to various private plans that had 3k deductibles for cancer screenings and mri’s, no coverage for emergency rooms, prescriptions, or anything they decided they didn’t want to pay for. not one fucking penny of all that money did me any good. the u.s. health care system is a fucking racket and insurance lobby dick-smoking scumfuckers like lieberman and nelson should fucking die!! i’m single and healthy – no big deal but for families and others with disabilities and diseases this fucking world must be an absolute fucking nightmare. the health care industry is nothing less than a stinking rot of federally sanctioned extortion experts that need to be exterminated. tax payer money should be extracted from lobbying firms and their corporate clients and used to establish a national foundation that will give every citizen access to equal health care. done -do it- over- fuckers!

(Yeah…like nobody saw that coming)

Grievance That Inspires the Least Sympathy

Brody - Whistling Neighbor- This guy is one loud whistler but the worse part is he only whistles 30 seconds of a song and its the same 30 seconds over and over and over again for the entire day he is outside. Give me the whole damn song or move on to another one for 30 seconds.
(Wah! My neighbor whistles too loud. Wah!)

Finally, we have the most coveted of all the Grievys...The BOG.

These are the first Grievys so this will be the first time that this award is given of course and if we’re being honest, you could probably safely say that Assman would have taken the last three. Unfortunately for Assman, this ain’t no lifetime achievement award and in raising the bar so high for himself, he may have actually done himself in. As usual, I thought it was brilliant. I liked the subtle method in which he dealt with BFF. He loses a few points on the Carrie Underwood thing because it’s already been done here but the smackdown of these minions in it’s entirety was fantastic. Fans are biased? No shit. I have no idea who Death Cab for Cutie is. The porn labeling thing was great and you know I loved Peaches but I also have to take away points for letting Jamarcus Russell and “The Situation” off the hook. It was by no means a mail-in job but when you set a certain standard for yourself, people expect you to live up to it. I thought Klompus and Newman’s were both hilarious as usual but I was a bit turned off by their ambivalence with Newman even going so far as to imply that he was being “forced” to grieve. Loved Kruger’s and I really thought that this was his best effort to date but unfortunately there are rules and any grievance that includes a line as douchey as “and you can shred pow like a motherfucker with it” simply can’t qualify for the coveted BOG. Whatley killed it from top to bottom this year but hosts simply can not qualify. It’s like the fact I would potentially win best costume at my Halloween party every year but that’s not being a gracious host, now is it? Bania drank too much the night before and didn’t take it seriously enough. Mrs. Vandelay, Bethany, The French Guy, and Pennypacker are disqualified because we’re all misogynistic xenophobes. Johnnie was brilliant but a little too Paris Hiltony to win best overall. I loved Joe from Maine and hope to have him back it’s just not BOG-worthy. Taylor is DQ’ed because being a Colts and Red Sox fan is gay. Really, Colts? Really? Fuck you! Brody is DQ’ed for knocking the curve ball but an excellent first time effort and we hope to see him back. I don’t know what the fuck Hoss was talking about and Non-Linear loses out because he crushes people that have no patience for people that don’t know how to handle snowstorms but then goes on to crush people that don’t brush snow of their roofs. Logical fallacy.

Soooo…even though it seems as if though this was done by process of elimination, there was one grievance that clearly stood above the rest and it was absolutely brilliant (although I’m still not sure what Sterben means) from top to bottom. The whole thing is a highlight in itself so here it is in all it’s glory…

BOG (Best Overall Grievance)

Pants Inferno - Idealistic Fever. Catch it.

I've got a lot of problems with a few people and a general malaise for the rest of yuze. I'd like to express that in a relatively bland opening statement before I get to my remarks, "Blindly accepting failure as norm is equivalent to not thinking." Don't fuckin' ask me what that means! For Fuck Sake.

There's a Utopia out there in everyone's imagination. But in reality, your groupthink is leading us to the most heinous Dystopia. Last decade, people would at least beat up the phrase, "think outside the box." It was a weak attempt to get at least someone to think. What was really fucked up about it? THERE WAS NO BOX!

First and Worst! Anyone with a hint of marketing in their past studies or current employment, including any asshole or cunt who mentioned, even if it was only one time, the phrase, "I really like that commercial."

Fuck you.
I really mean it. Fuck YOU.

Unless I'm outside in the snow around a humongous fire with my cell phone turned off and a coozie over my can of beer, I'm being marketed at, to, through. Eat shit for putting ads I have to remove on any video on the intertubes. Hey Netflix! How much did you have to pay to be automatically ignored by any pop up blocker? You're not even a bad service. But shitballs, believe me, popping up while I'm trying to watch some screaming anal YouPorn is not going make you any money. Yo Hulu, you call that limited commercial interruption? Hey Google Ads, your misinterpretation of the content of my blog continually manifests ads for Human Resources jobs and drug counseling, neither of which I, nor any of the visitors to the blog, fuckin' need!

CIALIS!!!!! Like Kirk bellowing at Khan. Maybe those middle-aged married men who tired of fucking their wives a decade ago need your product, but do you think the seven-year-old kid needs to hear about it while he's trying to watch the world series with his old man? Jeezis H. Particular Christ on a crutch. Just flabbergasting. When I was a kid, we had Bob Uecker making funnies with his buddies in a bar drinking beers and I know some parents who thought that was a bit much to be showing kids and young teens during NFL games. Fire up some hard-on pills and fuck, let's over enunciate "erectile dysfunction" multiple times! Oh wait, you already did. What do you say to your six-year-old daughter when she asks you what ED is? What the fuck is wrong with you people! Why is that even an acronym. In my day, it was whiskey dick or you're just impotent. If it wasn't for whiskey dick, I might have some level of regret for fucking a couple beasts this year. Thankfully, after much consumption of alcohol and THC, I'm not able to perform and believe me, I don't care how hot or huge she is. When my John Thomas says no, I believe he's making the right decision.

Your wife is horny and now you've got to drop a pill like she's got to go take a piss before you put your tongue within millimeters of her urethra. How sexy. Just lay there with your flaccid member and have her piss on your face. What's the difference?
HEY OBAMA and the Obamaites. Way to be a puppet. Way to take the bait like any other tool in your position would do. I'll give you some change you can believe in. How about the 59 cents they give me back when I hand over six bucks for a pack of cigarettes. Yeah, you get into office. What's the first thing you do? BIG BLANKET TAX on tobacco! Fuck you. You're mono-issued like your predecessors. HEALTH! HEALTH! HEALTH! It's a War on Living.

Which brings me to the worst group of humans alive. The Health Obsessed. Yeah, I get it: you work out as much as "The Situation" because you're trying to dance with your dogs at the local dump where they crank up House music. The only six-pack anyone wants is some unhealthy washboard abs. Hey Situps! It isn't healthy to have three percent body fat!

I swear. It's like some people have never heard Queen's "Who Wants to Live Forever?" I think there are some of you who really do want to be immortal. Yeah, get in on that shit at ground level. You're Robocop with Ted Williams' head. Fuck. I embrace my demise. Bring it on. How much longer do I have to exist on this plane of idiocy.

Somewhere along the line, you stopped living. You bleat the rhetoric mindfucked into you like you're the next in line to suck the faggot cock of Perez Hilton. I'm not just talking about the Self-Proclaimed King of Yellow Journalism, Nicholas Bromberg. I'm talking everyone. Tiger Woods got laid. Brittany Murphy is dead. Lindsay Lohan is a quasi-lesbo cock fiend. It's all so important and just watch the latest bimbo on E! tell it to you like it's the Apocalypse. See the face-to-face confrontation with Romper Room News Twat Katie Couric on 60 Minutes! DVR that shit! Olivia Munn just wrote a book! More people will buy that than anything written with a sense of substance. Why? Sex, lies and burnt DVDs. There's no end to it. Culture. It's growing like bacteria under the microscope of nobody paying attention. You're all insane and I hate you.

HEY TAX FIENDS! I don't care what side of the aisle you launch your feces from, I've seen you motherfuckers! From cowardly anonymous posters on small-town newspaper websites to state representatives. You're in favor of more taxes! Here's a novel concept. NO TAXES! Just ruminate on it. Think long and hard.

I'd like to stop here to give two nicotine-stained middle fingers to Jesus freaks, towel heads and any subsidiaries of these two main retardants to any kind of societal progress. To the multitudes and flocks, you're just stupid. Yeah, there's a big hippie and a muslim in the sky waiting to hand out virgins and halos if you'll just bury your heads in the sand and ask forgiveness. Quit dragging your kids to the local palace of idiocy. Far away / Across the field / Tolling on the iron bell / Calls the imbeciles to their knees/ To hear the softly spoken magic spell.

I could go on with what I view as moronic on this planet but that could take decades, cost billions of dollars and millions of lives.

I'll conclude briefly.

There's one problem pervading society. That's where you live, fucktard! The things going on around you? Are you even paying attention? You're contributing to it every day on multiple levels. You're ignoring the reality of the unrealistic world you so covet and all the bullshit in it you envy. In the middle of all that bullshit, there lies one particular segment of society, a tool you use to get everything you could ever desire. You know what it is and you believe in it. You worship it. You strive to do anything to get your hands on it. With it, you kill time and other people. Until we burn all that rot and the inflated egos the group subconscious of greed will overshadow anything in the world causing your inane grievances. You can bitch until you're spinning in your grave. I'm already half-dead and I can feel the slow revolutions of never seeing revolution. I blame this on you. You and all your sick Delta buddies.

Behind all of our façades lie real, thinking human beings. People capable of abstract, maybe even enlightening perspective. In essence, we think of ourselves as individuals. But I only know a small band of such people. The rest, the proletariat. We can't kill 'em. At least, not yet. So, it's up to each of us to wake those motherfuckers up. I may be talking to you. Maybe you're a pot of coffee and ten dollars away from acting like an individual. I don't care, as long as you wake the fuck up.

How much longer will we live in this televised nightmare?
How many more message board threads will it take to realize you're just sitting there wasting countless hours discussing nothing?
Wake the fuck up!
Everything you believe in. It's make believe!
That's so much more than a play on words.
Die.
No, Sterben.
Or, God Dammit, just get out there and LIVE.

Comments

[Pants Inferno]

This award makes me wish I would have proofread the thing a second time to clean up the two errors I spy. Regardless, 'ppreciate the thumbs up. It really didn't take much. I guess I'm just naturally that cynical all the time. Unless I'm drinking.

[Assman]

1.) I was pretty sure that Bania was the best this year. Didn't waste a whole lot of space and generally cut to the bone. The line about "you're in your 30's; fuckin grow up" stayed with me.

2.) I had no idea the site had that many page views every day. I'm going to have to start being more careful about talking about my dick in these posts.

3.) I can't lie - I completely mailed it in this year because I figured nobody was going to do it. If we're doing this next year and getting awards for it, I'm writing a fucking book.

[Mr. Kruger]

sterben means 'strong' in german. that's all i know. but since he capitalized the 's' that is fucking useless! no more fucking capitals!!

[TFKoP]

I suck.

--joe

[Kenny Bania]

I only seek approval from Assman, or anyone else that approves of me.

Surprisingly I didn't have to whittle mine down too much, but I did cut out an incomprehensible diatribe on how Mac's aren't as cool as everyone that has them wants them to be. It needed a lot of work, so I just discarded it. I find anything that's worthwhile comes really easy and isn't too difficult.

[Schmoopie]

Sterben is German for "to die." If you Googled it and found that Wiktionary page, Kruger, I believe it's saying sterben is a strong verb. The German word for "strong" is stark.

[Pants Inferno]

Yeah. It's die. Why would I have been yelling Strong Swampcrash? Hey!

[Vandelay]

What the fuck happened to the beginning of this post?