Johnny Has A Beef

I got a LOT of problems with you people! I got some things on my chest I have to get off. Let's start.

 

Grievances:

 

People and the back windows of their cars – Let's start light. I fucking hate that people think I give a shit about what they have decaled all over their cars. The biggest, lamest and most effusive example is the “family” decals. Have you folks seen this shit? There's a mom, dad, 3 kids, 2 dogs, a cat, and a partridge in a pear tree just plastered all over it. You people think I give half a rat's ass about your nuclear family? Fuck yourselves sideways. All you just did was give me an accurate body count.

 

People who don't use turn signals – Railed on before. Railed on again. If you intend to switch lanes, FUCKING alert me. I drive a lifted Jeep with a momentum problem. It does me no fucking good to watch you slow to a creep and gingerly change lanes when I'm doing the speed limit. For fuck's sake, there are other people with places to go to. You're going food shopping and need to get into that middle lane? Fine. Use your blinker, fuckhead. Or else I'm putting you into the median and into heaven early.

 

ShamWow/SlapChop Guy – The greatest news of the year by far was Vince, the ShamWow fucktard, getting his tongue bitten off by a prostitute. I wish that this was turned into a musical! Think about it. Wouldn't you see it? I sure as fuck would. Fuck the dumb shit. I just want New York street hustlers to sell a t-shirt with his picture all over it. I want children's books to be written about it. I want him ordained as the patron saint of fuckedupedness. This couldn't miss. At the very least, classes should be taught about the dynamics of when to pay and when to snort the coke off her ass. Am I right? This man is the beacon of hope for the rest of the world.

 

Arizona bar laws – Little known fact: Arizona doesn't allow more than 4 alcoholic drinks to be in front of one person at any given time. This just cunts up my night of debauchery. Instead of being able to double fist Long Island Iced Teas and not subject myself to waiting behind the displaced Scottsdale shithead flavor of the Jersey Shore boys trying to “out-brah” themselves, I have to meekly request a single and finish it completely before getting another. This is not a safe way to kill my liver. You might as well have the AA meeting next door.

 

The Cactus Moon – A particular bar here in Tucson that merits its own GFY. This place actually decided that a state ID is NOT good enough for valid entry. You need a 2^nd form of ID along with a state ID to be allowed to pay cover and imbibe. What the fuck, over? Oh, a LICENSE is fine. But God forfuckingbid a member of the party elected to not yet drive, but can prove legal age with a STATE ISSUED ID. I guess we need to take a piss into the wind then. What happened was this: one night this place allowed myself and another individual in, took our cover, took our money for the first beer, and THEN stiffed some of our friends at the door. Thanks for the heads up you cocksucking assholes.

 

Comcast – This is worst cable service in America. For basic 70 channel cable and internet, I'm told I'd need to pay nearly $130!! This is borderline robbery. None of what's on TV is that important. It's a fucking travesty that the price of watching such sour shit on a day-to-day basis has this price tag attached to it. It's like paying admission to watch you kick yourself in the dick. Not having it. I'll get by with the manageable, yet still outrageous, internet only price of $69 and watch what I want for free on the net. That is until you pry that enterprise from Al Gore's cold dead hands.

 

StubHub, Ticketmaster, LiveNation – Can we just call this shit the “Legal Scapling Agency” and be done with it? You convenience no one by making “semi-affordable” tickets “astronomically overfuckingpriced.” Take a splintered 2 x 4 and jam it in your collective asses. I'd rather give a bit more money to the guy with a family who's hocking his wares outside a stadium then concede to you faceless bastards.

 

Miley Cyrus – I'll just say what everyone else is thinking: when is your sex tape coming out? Seriously. You've already released tweeny self pics and a pole dance that would make Synnamon blush. So are you gunna hurry up and act all Traci Lords or actually wait until you're legal to do it? Don't even front with that Disney shit either. Vanessa Hudgens gets down with dick and she sang and danced her way through high school. And that father of yours is going to try his damndest to keeping himself relevant in any way he can. Call R. Kelly so he can make you believe you can fly.

 

The Jonas Brothers – Or as I call them: Hanson with darker hair. They are selling bullshit to a crowd of tweens. The parents and Top 40 radio assholes eat them up. They are a fucking charade. Take that promise ring shit and devirginize yourselves with it. You don't fool me one fucking bit. Another group of posterchildren hiding behind the hypocritical Disney flag. Nothing about anything of these phony shartstains is even close to reality. Eat shit. All of you.

 

Lady Gaga – Can we really call her “lady” when she's a hermaphrodite? This bitch looks like a ball of pus rolled in glitter and donned with gaudy glasses and a wig. She's the Mr. Potatohead of pop music. The outlandish clothing. The ridiculous attitude. The punchable persona. All of it needs to burn to death in a dumpster fire in Zimbabwe. This is the most useless automaton who's ever pilfered the stupid people of this country. Good on shim for that, but die. Just die.

 

Spencer/Heidi – These shitheads are the pinnacle and benchmark for involuntary euthanizings. In no way shape of form do these scumbags deserve attention or reverence. The fact I know their names is like lye on my soul. I don't even watch TV, ffs! All I want to do is be the triggerman. Please oh please oh please...can I? I can make the world a much better place by taking these cuntrags out of it.

 

Lil Wayne, T-Pain, and the AutoTuner – These scholars put a nail in hip-hop. All of them. Lil Wayne pretends he knows how to rap. T-Pain pretends he can sing. And both digitize their voices with the most overused and detestable pieces of equipment – the AutoTuner. When the hip-hop and Top 40 stations play the same music and half of it is from either of these shitheads, you know something is wrong. I'm fed up with the trite, regurgitated nothingness of both of these schmucks. They prove to be the gum stuck to the bottom of hip-hop's shoe. But yet the mass populus continues to go back to this dried well. The fucking clowns need no more press. It's herpes in my ears.

 

Kim K and her fucking family – Oh my Christ can the madness end? Please America. Please. I wish I could ask these assholes one question: “Do you know why you're famous?” And when I get the dumb stare, I want to say this: “Kim, you large-assed whore. You fucked Brandy's brother on camera. Think about that. THAT is why you are famous.” The American public has found a soft spot for large-assed Persian hookers like you. She became the Mother Theresa of fat assed broads getting famous quick. Then she dragged those god-awful siblings and mother into it too. They're all living off of sex tape fame and a well known former OJ lawyer's last name. That's it. When do I become famous? Seriously. It's batshit insane. I don't want to 'keep up' with them. I don't want to know they exist. I don't care one got married and the other had a kid. It's a fucking waste. This country is going to hell in a handbasket fast. When the goings on of other non-important human beings becomes the market, it's over. I give up. I'll just drink my own blood and wait for the sun to explode.

 

And that's that folks. Enjoy the Festivus

Comments

[Vandelay]

Awesome job, Johnnie. In all fairness to Kim K though, she didn't merely fuck Brandy's brother...she also let him pee on her. That's gotta be worth something, right?

[Assman]

That was pretty good.

Arizona bar laws...

What about the one that says you're allowed to carry loaded weapons in Arizona bars now? So now I've got to worry about whether or not the Scottsdale douchebag with the fauxhawk and date rape vibe is also packing an AK-47? This was a good idea?

Can we just call this shit the “Legal Scapling Agency” and be done with it?

Hey, the stock market is legal gambling and the pharmacy is legal drug dealing. Everything is okay when rich white people do it.

“Kim, you large-assed whore. You fucked Brandy's brother on camera. Think about that. THAT is why you are famous.”

And, ironically, neither Brandy nor her brother are really famous anymore. That's like watching Rachael Ray cook an omelet on TV and, 3 years later, finding out that the omelet has a higher Q rating than she does.

[Mr. Kruger]

The greatest news of the year by far was Vince, the ShamWow fucktard, getting his tongue bitten off by a prostitute.

i remember when that broke. i felt instant gratification. +1