Fuckin' Freeloaders

There was actually a fleeting moment when I thought I wasn't going to air any grievances this year -- for I had a healthy, happy family and steady work.  What was there to be pissed about?  Then I remembered someone is living ten times fatter than the average American because they are selling blankets with sleeves to other people (and other peoples' dogs, mind you).  So then I got around to thinking about what was really bothering me (which took somewhere in the neighborhood of 10 seconds).  Horror movies, for one.  Is Rob Zombie now in charge of the entire genre? It seems like every movie is recycling the same camera filter from the "More Human Than Human" music video. And with the exception of showing Willa Ford's tits, there was no earthly reason whatsoever to remake "Friday the 13th." But still, there's just not enough there to really be angry about.  I could always go for the old standby with annoying Tv commercials.  Maybe spend a paragraph or two dissecting the Geico "money-with-eyes" nonsense trying to revive that old Rockwell tune. Nah.  I suppose there is also the bit about Delta Airlines' Gold Platinum Medallion & Silver Semen club that apparently everyone has membership to but me. It's essentially come down to being able to get on the plane right after first class and immediately before the one passenger that doesn't need to jam an oversized carry-on into the overhead before some douchebag has a chance to stow his faggot overcoat.  Hint, it's really not so "elite" anymore when 95% of your co-passengers have the same privileges you do. 

Then again, who cares. In all honestly, my grieving apprehension just boiled down to motivation -- and I was about as motivated as a sofa full of Chiles on a Sunday afternoon.  Nonetheless, there was still something.  Something buried.  Something that has been a long-standing grievance of mine.  Something that really only rears it's ugly fuckin' freeloadin' face during the holidays.  And no, it's not a family member.  It's this shitbag:

 

It has been aptly described in many forums as the fruitcake of beer. Somewhere along the line someone, somewhere, somehow thought it would be a good idea to make a cranberry-flavored beer. I suppose logic would be the best place to start in trying to wrap some semblance of an understanding around this.  Beer in general is pretty fuckin good all by itself.  No, it's really fuckin good.  We've known this.  Cranberries, on the other hand, taste about about as good as a snort of vinegar.  Aside from old people and old people that harvest cranberries for a living, nobody likes them.  It's befitting that such a bitter, unfriendly berry comes from New England.  You might say, "Hey, I like cranberry juice.  Cranberry juice is good." Well, cranberry juice has sweetner added.  Nobody puts just fresh cranberries into their Juice Tiger.  Why?  Because they suck.   People drink wheat grass without sweetner, but not cranberries.  That's right, people would rather seek refreshment by wringing out grass than by squishing a cranberry.  And even with sweetner, cranberry juice is not all that good.   That's why people mix vodka or other fruit juices with it. In way, cranberries themselves are freeloaders.  So why can't it go with beer? Because it's just not necessary.  101, brewing beer with fruit is a bad proposition to begin with.  Very few get away with it.  Let's take a different approach.  Limes.  Why do people put lime in beer?  Simple.  Those people don't like beer. They are trying to make it not taste like beer. Perhaps they should just stick to their Mike's Hard Vaginade but that's a different argument for a different time. Also, how many beers are brewed with lime?  None (if anybody says "Bud Light Lime," I will hit you). Likewise, how many people add a squirt of cranberry juice to beer to make it not taste like beer?  None.  

So now we are back to square one.  Why does this stuff exist?  We've established that cranberries (and music groups named after them) are vile, shitty swamp turds.  So it's clearly not because people want this brew.  So the next step is wondering how people get it even though they don't want it. What's truly baffling about this whole thing is that this blood-soaked urine sample has been floating around for about 20 years.  I can't even fathom that more than 10 six packs of this piss has been sold during that time.  So how does it get off the shelves?  Those of you familiar with it know it is the bastard freeloading 4-some that makes it into the Congressional Bill of beer boxed sets more commonly known as the Sam Adams Seasonal pack. You can always tell when someone was given one of these packs as a gift because there are no more than 4 and no less than three of these cranberry bile grenandes laying around the refigerator.  Now that they are no longer freeloading in the gift pack, they take up residence in your fridge. Cavorting with the butter, lounging in the crisper.  They just won't leave, even though their freshness calendar expired years ago. If anyone ever shows up with one of these Seasonal packs at your house, do everyone a favor:  open the box immediately, take out all the beers except for the crannies and promptly hand the box back to your guest.  Then tell him to get the fuck out and take his yeast-infected bitches with him.  Or you can "politely" smash him over the head with a Lambic.  Either way works.

Happy Fuckin Festivus, Jim Koch.  Eat a bog full of cranberry dicks.
 

Comments

[Assman]

What's in your heeeeead? In your heeeeead! Zombie! Zombie!

Horror movies, for one. Is Rob Zombie now in charge of the entire genre?

I was quite literally discussing this with a friend like 2 days ago. Rob Zombie isn't that scary. He made Living Deal Girl - that means we have to defer to his expertise on scary movies?

I don't know of a single piece of shit he directed that was watchable.

[Vandelay]

Soooo funny. My father in law has had a six pack of this in the cupboards above his refrigerator (the one's you generally keep the crockpot or other shit that you never use) for like 5 years. We don't even remember where it came from.

[Vandelay]

By the way, I'm glad to see that you were able to shake the Chiles out of you, Klompus. Festivus wouldn't have been the same.

[Mr. Kruger]

i think there's whole slew of fruit beers i could list that rank among humanities greatest failures. most women won't even go near them.

[Brody]

I will probably regret admitting this, but Sam Cherry Wheat is one of their better beers in my opinion. Its the one beer I don't mind having fruit mixed in, especially after a cold day of skiing. Makes for a great dessert beer. But Cranberry Lambic does suck.

[Whatley]

I'll stick to the good old "drink enough of this stuff and your gastrointestinal issues resolve themselves" kind of beer.

[Crazy Joe Davola]

The cranberry beer cures urinary tract infections.

[randi]

I love beer but I also love the strawberry beer they make at the Oxnard Strawberry Festival every year. If you're ever out this way, I highly recommend it because it's fresh and delicious.
As for bottled fruity beer? I'll pass every time.