(Long timer Bethany accepts the invite and takes a stab at a Grievance.)
My first festivus, you asked for it!
As for drinking, I’m always surprised after each go round how much I can still drink. WTF? I figured such a long, dry duration would make me a cheap date, but that seems to last for about one day.
DirecTV. They own me. Despite Vandelay’s assurance that if I called and threatened to cancel if they didn’t give me the Superfan HD package for free with the football ticket—even though they already rape me for the HD signal and box each month, they wouldn’t. They basically told me to go scratch and that they know my need to see the Bears each week while in
New York
(and all the games to track my fantasy teams) means that I will never leave them…I guess Vandelay has a better phone voice than I do. Instead, once a year, they give me free Showtime—one month for each year I’ve been a customer. I’m up to 5 months free—too bad Showtime sucks—and I’ve heard some shows are good but no, I’m not going to let myself watch Dexter or anything else that might cause me to need to pay DirecTV one more dime per month. Motherfuckers.
Old Navy. Hey, Old Navy, thanks for not calling to tell me that due to an error in online banking I overpaid you by over $2,600.00 earlier this month. I appreciate the assumption that I just wanted to have a huge credit I didn’t know about because I have just that much money that I’d like to start paying ahead for my future purchases. Thanks for being so great Old Navy customer service, that when I discover the error the week before Christmas, you tell me that it will take 30 days to refund my money because it needs to be verified because the overpayment was so large. Really? Because I’m looking at the electronic transfer and can see how my checking account balance dropped like a fucking rock on December 4th. Did it occur to you that, given the holidays and all, you might want to call and mention the problem, because it was probably a mistake? Shit, if my payment was 2 weeks late you’d sure as fuck call me. But, really, it’s no problem. I’ve only been a customer as long as you’ve existed. It’s okay though because I’ve only been buying maternity clothes from you and I’m done having kids, so I can proceed to shred my Old Navy card, as I’m never giving you douchenozzles another dime.
The Bears. How do the Bears pick up a franchise quarterback and manage to have a worse record this year? They were 9-7 with Orton and Grossman last year…and are already guaranteed a worse outcome with Cutler. Shit, we will be lucky if the woeful Lions don’t finish our season by kicking our ass at Ford Field. I rarely blame the coaches, but I’ve really got to attribute a lot of this to Ron Turner, who is incapable of calling plays to the strengths of the team on the field, and Lovey Smith who never shows any reaction to the disaster on the field in front of him. And to think, I wanted to make this kid’s middle name Ditka…Bears gotta earn that first.
Fantasy football. Actually, I have nothing but love for fantasy football, except for my 7 game losing streak death spriral. I’ve also been addicted to my league on officefootballpool.com this year; one of the few baby unrelated things I make time for these days. And props to the idea I stole from you grievers—I flew my husband to his fantasy football draft in Michigan this year, and a good time was had by all; a better time would have been had by me if he’d taken our kid and I weren’t knocked up, but he had a blast.
This guy.
I drive by your business every day. I don’t know you, but I don’t like you. I didn’t know redneck was a lifestyle; I don’t want to know what the lifestyle entails, but I have a feeling you wear Wrangler jeans.
People that say “we’re pregnant”. No. She’s pregnant and you’re a douchebag.
Fantastic effort in the grievance department but there is no chance in hell that you told them to cancel your service. I don't buy it. You gotta give these people ultimatums. Am I gonna have to call for you next year?
People really walk up to you and tell you it's okay if you want to breastfeed in front of them? That's like beyond creepy.
Posted by: Vandelay | December 23, 2009 at 11:11 AM
Shit, we will be lucky if the woeful Lions don’t finish our season by kicking our ass at Ford Field.
It'll happen. Drew Stanton will lead us to the 3 win Promised Land.
Posted by: Dr. Whatley | December 23, 2009 at 11:21 AM
I'm with Vandelay on the Dtv gig. Once he told me the deal I called in and got an even better deal then him on free HD and $100 off the package.
And WE are pregnant. That "personal massager" might feel better but it doesn't give you kids. And as long as we have to deal with the results of hormonal changes, WE are pregnant.
Posted by: Brody | December 23, 2009 at 11:26 AM
I never said "We" are preganant but I guess the difference is that I don't actually look pregnant.
OHHHH SNAP!!!
Posted by: Vandelay | December 23, 2009 at 11:36 AM
By the way, I'm getting red X's on two of those pictures. Whatley, if you want to forward me her e-mail, I can see if I can fix those.
Posted by: Vandelay | December 23, 2009 at 12:21 PM
Thanks—it makes me feel so much better knowing you’re going to be staring at my mammaries through the process.
If it makes you feel better, we were going to be staring at them anyway. It's kinda what we do. We're mammary-lookers, baby or not.
Posted by: Assman | December 23, 2009 at 01:06 PM
They have AT&T television in your area yet? Check that. Crazy price on bundled cell/dsl/tv. Knocks the dick out of Comcast and DirectTV prices.
I didn't get it, though. I need higher speed upstream to play Xbox Live. I'm a grown up.
Posted by: Kenny Bania | December 23, 2009 at 02:06 PM