Festivus Cherry Poppin' Time for Bethany

(Long timer Bethany accepts the invite and takes a stab at a Grievance.)

My first festivus, you asked for it!

It was suggested that I might have a little something to say about being knocked up for the last two years.  Actually, it’s been the last three, but the first time was an epic fail.  So, I’ve basically been knocked up almost constantly since mid-2007.  Fun times, I assure you.

Some things about it are good—everyone is nice to you when you’re pregnant…that is once you get past the point of merely looking fat, because then you just get glared at when you get the double order of fries extra crispy or you ask the waitress for more bread.  I must give off the “don’t touch my fucking belly” vibe, because that’s never really been a problem with strangers.  What creeps me out is how many strangers feel the need to know what I’m doing with my tittays.  Literally one of the first questions I am routinely asked is, “are you going to breastfeed?,” like that’s something the woman making my iced coffee needs to know in order to get on with her day.  Creepier yet are the times when you have your baby with you and someone you don’t know tells you that if you need to feed the baby in their presence, it’s okay.  Thanks—it makes me feel so much better knowing you’re going to be staring at my mammaries through the process.

I hate that I’ve become one of those women, the ones I mocked for so many years.  I’d be hanging out with the guys talking sports and generally avoiding anything to do with children and women and the mommies at the party would be talking about baby stuff.  I swore that would never be me, that I’d always be one of the guys, but then something happened and I got pregnant, and then pregnant again, and then pregnant again and something went haywire in my brain.   I swear, as soon as I pop out this kiddo, and can drink and socialize, I will return and one of those other mommies can watch my kids while I hang.

As for drinking, I’m always surprised after each go round how much I can still drink.  WTF?  I figured such a long, dry duration would make me a cheap date, but that seems to last for about one day.

But this rant can’t just be about babies.  There’s other shit that pisses me off.

DirecTV.  They own me.  Despite Vandelay’s assurance that if I called and threatened to cancel if they didn’t give me the Superfan HD package for free with the football ticket—even though they already rape me for the HD signal and box each month, they wouldn’t.  They basically told me to go scratch and that they know my need to see the Bears each week while in

New York

(and all the games to track my fantasy teams) means that I will never leave them…I guess Vandelay has a better phone voice than I do.  Instead, once a year, they give me free Showtime—one month for each year I’ve been a customer.  I’m up to 5 months free—too bad Showtime sucks—and I’ve heard some shows are good but no, I’m not going to let myself watch Dexter or anything else that might cause me to need to pay DirecTV one more dime per month.  Motherfuckers.

Old Navy.  Hey, Old Navy, thanks for not calling to tell me that due to an error in online banking I overpaid you by over $2,600.00 earlier this month.  I appreciate the assumption that I just wanted to have a huge credit I didn’t know about because I have just that much money that I’d like to start paying ahead for my future purchases.  Thanks for being so great Old Navy customer service, that when I discover the error the week before Christmas, you tell me that it will take 30 days to refund my money because it needs to be verified because the overpayment was so large.  Really?  Because I’m looking at the electronic transfer and can see how my checking account balance dropped like a fucking rock on December 4^th.  Did it occur to you that, given the holidays and all, you might want to call and mention the problem, because it was probably a mistake?  Shit, if my payment was 2 weeks late you’d sure as fuck call me.  But, really, it’s no problem.  I’ve only been a customer as long as you’ve existed.  It’s okay though because I’ve only been buying maternity clothes from you and I’m done having kids, so I can proceed to shred my Old Navy card, as I’m never giving you douchenozzles another dime.

The Bears.  How do the Bears pick up a franchise quarterback and manage to have a worse record this year?  They were 9-7 with Orton and Grossman last year…and are already guaranteed a worse outcome with Cutler.  Shit, we will be lucky if the woeful Lions don’t finish our season by kicking our ass at Ford Field.  I rarely blame the coaches, but I’ve really got to attribute a lot of this to Ron Turner, who is incapable of calling plays to the strengths of the team on the field, and Lovey Smith who never shows any reaction to the disaster on the field in front of him.  And to think, I wanted to make this kid’s middle name Ditka…Bears gotta earn that first.

Fantasy football.  Actually, I have nothing but love for fantasy football, except for my 7 game losing streak death spriral.  I’ve also been addicted to my league on officefootballpool.com this year; one of the few baby unrelated things I make time for these days.  And props to the idea I stole from you grievers—I flew my husband to his fantasy football draft in Michigan this year, and a good time was had by all; a better time would have been had by me if he’d taken our kid and I weren’t knocked up, but he had a blast.

Scrabble on Facebook.  Fuck Vandelay’s smart friends who always beat me and now think I’m too much of a dumbass to let me play anymore.

This guy. 

I drive by your business every day.  I don’t know you, but I don’t like you. I didn’t know redneck was a lifestyle; I don’t want to know what the lifestyle entails, but I have a feeling you wear Wrangler jeans.

People that say “we’re pregnant”.  No.  She’s pregnant and you’re a douchebag.

Thanks for including me grievers!

Comments

[Vandelay]

Fantastic effort in the grievance department but there is no chance in hell that you told them to cancel your service. I don't buy it. You gotta give these people ultimatums. Am I gonna have to call for you next year?

People really walk up to you and tell you it's okay if you want to breastfeed in front of them? That's like beyond creepy.

[Dr. Whatley]

Shit, we will be lucky if the woeful Lions don’t finish our season by kicking our ass at Ford Field.

It'll happen. Drew Stanton will lead us to the 3 win Promised Land.

[Brody]

I'm with Vandelay on the Dtv gig. Once he told me the deal I called in and got an even better deal then him on free HD and $100 off the package.

And WE are pregnant. That "personal massager" might feel better but it doesn't give you kids. And as long as we have to deal with the results of hormonal changes, WE are pregnant.

[Vandelay]

I never said "We" are preganant but I guess the difference is that I don't actually look pregnant.

OHHHH SNAP!!!

[Vandelay]

By the way, I'm getting red X's on two of those pictures. Whatley, if you want to forward me her e-mail, I can see if I can fix those.

[Assman]

Thanks—it makes me feel so much better knowing you’re going to be staring at my mammaries through the process.

If it makes you feel better, we were going to be staring at them anyway. It's kinda what we do. We're mammary-lookers, baby or not.

[Kenny Bania]

They have AT&T television in your area yet? Check that. Crazy price on bundled cell/dsl/tv. Knocks the dick out of Comcast and DirectTV prices.

I didn't get it, though. I need higher speed upstream to play Xbox Live. I'm a grown up.