Assman 2009: Out Of Tune

I have several problems with you people. I won't say I've got a lot of problems, because by comparison to previous years, I really don't.

Let's get into it.

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I've got a problem with people who drive cars with the "Palin 2012" bumper sticker on it.

(Ironically, I don't have a problem with Sarah Palin herself this year. Being mad at her for quitting her governor job and writing a book about how to completely destroy a country via oversimplification and retarded circular logic while having ambitions for the Presidency would be like being angry at a 7 year old for eating a lot of candy instead of eating a salad. She's a successful simple person with the vehement support of other simple people. She's supposed to do stupid things and act surprised when people call her on it. If she suddenly developed an understanding of world affairs beyond "that's where the bad people live," it would be out of character. She is exactly who she's supposed to be. God bless her. I loved her in Of Mice and Men. Someone get this woman a bunny.)

Hey buddy, you know what that Palin bumper sticker really says to the person behind you? You may think it says, "I support common sense thinking, traditional conservative values, a return to basics and the preservation of small town America," but it doesn't. It says:

"Hi. You're driving on the same road as a person who still mumbles quietly about rabbits running around trees and through holes every time he ties his shoes. You're in a car near a person who might be willing to argue with you about whether or not Santa Claus knows Jesus personally. For your own safety, you might want to get over a lane or hang back a bit to put some space between us. If my cell phone rings while I'm switching lanes, I'm probably going to get overwhelmed. I'm not a thinker. I'm just not. I am, in fact, a special kind of dumb. I'm not just the kind of dumb that believes that somebody who was good at playing SimCity on Windows 95 is qualified to be a senior civil engineer in Dallas. I'm the kind of dumb that believes that somebody who was good at playing SimCity on Windows 95 is qualified to be a senior civil engineer in Dallas and believes that you shouldn't think I'm an idiot for it. I'm powerful ignorant. I can take a metal spike through the forehead and not lose any brain power. I truly, truly believe that a human cartoon character - no, a human attempt at living satire - should be in charge of the entire country and I'm so proud of that belief that I've chosen to publically label myself as such. Good god... why aren't you switching to another lane already? You should be very, very scared of me."

Nope. Not done.

"I'm the person that heard Carrie Underwood singing about Jesus Taking the Wheel and believed, quite literally, that if I prayed hard enough, God would actually, physically grab the wheel of my car and steer me through a difficult pass. I don't mean it figuratively. I don't believe that I should hang onto the wheel and hope for good luck and guidance as I try and work my way around the icy turn. I expect to see a flash of golden light and the hand of God coming out of a heavenly wormhole near my rear view mirror to grab the wheel of my car and steer. If I'm driving stick, the magical foot of the Holy Ghost would help me work the clutch. I don't have to say or do anything or be held accountable for my actions or lack thereof because I will be protected by magic. Please tell me... by all that is good and holy... how have you not dropped back six car lengths by now? I am scary beyond belief."

Alright... one more and I'll be done.

"I woke up this morning and told myself that if I worked hard, ate my vitamins, said my prayers and belived in myself, I could someday be a millionaire. I literally believe in the power of the Hulk Hogan starter kit. When I hear about teenagers that have to drop out of school and get jobs to support their parents who got laid off, I assume it happened in Mexico. When I hear about people that don't have health care plans, I assume it happened because they took low-level easy jobs and don't want to work hard. At the same time, I can't stand when people get frustrated in restaurants when the waiter doesn't refill their water right away because they have six other tables to cover. I fail to see the irony in that dichotomy. I routinely use the word 'irony' incorrectly and I'm not really clear on what a dichotomy is either. God help you for not running like hell by now. You are far too close to me."

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I've got a problem with the makers of Icy Hot. It was not... and let me repeat this... not... a good idea to put your product inside a container that looks quite a bit like a tube of toothpaste.

You mean to tell me that nobody in your product department ever envisioned a scenario in which a dude might come home after a long night of rec league basketball, slather a bit of the Icy Hot on a hamstring or two, leave the tube on the sink before falling into bed, wake up a bit tired because of the aforementioned rec league basketball game (which, I might add, he won), reach for the Crest, put a little bit on the toothpaste and end up with a firey mouthful of desperate regret? That never came up?

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I've got a problem with President Obama.

Mr. President, if you're reading this, why don't you wise up and grow a beard? And I don't mean a clean beard. I mean one of those beards that makes you look haggard and tired like Sam Jackson in Black Snake Moan.

Think about it. If you walked out of your office with a beard and cup of coffee that made you look like James Worthy the morning after a Game 7, then went up to a podium and said, "Alright. We thought about it - here's what we're doing about Afghanistan," nobody would get on your balls about the plan. If anything, they'd say, "Well, I might have done something differently, but look at that motherfucker. He's been in a bunker doing some work! That isn't some clean cut dude who got handed bad policy from an advisor. That's a guy who just wiped off the elbow grease before the cameras started rolling. I didn't go into any bunkers and research. Clearly, that dude knows something I don't. Go ahead, man. Get it done."

You know what else you're doing wrong, Prez? Please stop asking the opposition party for permission to do the shit you want to do. Really. It is their job - and I mean this quite literally - it is their entire job... to oppose you. People vote them into power with one goal in mind. Opposing you. If they do that, they get re-elected. If they don't, they no longer have a job. Nobody cares if they have good ideas or work hard. Nobody cares who's right and who's wrong. Voters only care about how hard the opposition makes your life while they're in office. Stop dipping your toe in the ocean and asking the shark to not bite you. Just work.

And seriously, grow a beard.

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I've got a problem with Phoenix Suns fans.

I went to a game and the ref called a travel on the opponent. Made sense considering the guy took about 12 steps running toward the basket. When the ref made the call, everybody went ape shit and screamed for joy. Way to go, ref. You nailed it.

Minutes later, a guy on the Suns travelled and the ref called it against him. The crowd booed and told the ref he sucked.

Come on, guys... does he really suck for making the right call? I can understand your lack of enthusiasm for the result, but how about being more accurate in your jeering? Something like, "Goddammit! I know he travelled and you're just doing your job by trying to enforce the rules fairly, but I'm genuinely disappointed in that play! Congratulations, Mr. Referee, for your continued dedication to officiating excellence. I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at our team for not being as committed to perfection at our professional crafts as you are. Boo! Boo to our completely deserved misfortune!! BOO!!"

And I'm not just saying this because I was a ref for 2 years in college and I'm still bitter about the whole thing.

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Speaking of dedication to accuracy, how about some accuracy in porn labeling? How many times do I have to find a link that says "world's best blowjob" only to watch the video and see an average performance at best? How hard would it be to put together a governance board that oversaw naming conventions in pornography? Wouldn't you love to see links that said, "Guy with five inch penis and hairy back receives unenthusiastic blowjob from an apparently drunk woman who I'm guessing doesn't really like the guy since she completely ignores his balls"? That wouldn't save you precious computer time? Would that be a hard position to hire staff for?

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I believe the singer from Death Cab for Cutie is out of lyrics.

"Meet me at the equinox, meet me halfway. Where the sun is at it's highest peak in the middle of the day."

Really, Death Cab guy? You're just writing songs about 6th grade science now? I've got a couple of song ideas for you.

"I'd like to run a light year, I'd like to go that way. It's the distance light travels over 365 earth days."

"Talk about the freezing point, talk it up all night. When water's temperature drops to 32 degrees Fahrenheit."

"I want to find the average, I want to find the root. I'll add up the sum total and divide it by the number of the groups."

There. I just made you a million dollar EP. And hang on - here's a B-side for the single.

"The endocrine system... it's where the sooooul meeets bodyyyyyyy!"

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I can't stand people who get in fights and bite their opponent. I just can't.

Fighting, on its own, is a crazy time. You're in there punching people in the neck, stabbing rival football fans with broken fence posts. Things are a bit informal. The etiquette in this situation is close to zero. The goal is to win and have as little regard for your opponent's dignity as possible.

But if you're biting, everyone's reponse is pretty much the same.

"Ow, you punched me in the voicebox! That's cool. Cuz now I'm just gonna kick you in the earlobe. Let's even things out a bit. Ow, you sliced me across the nipple with a sharp pencil. That's a little inappropriate, but we clearly don't like each other, so I can understand your decision. I'm just going to jab a broken Sobe bottle in your kidneys to level the playing ground. Hey... hey... what the fuck are you... are you... you're biting me? ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE?!?! What's the MATTER with you!!?!?"

People who bite in fights... just stop it. Stop the shit. You're crazy.

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I'm sure this is going to be a popular grievance this year. Stop remaking old cartoons from my youth into loosely associated movies.

The other day I was playing with my kid and she says, "Let's play Transformers."

I'm like, cool. I'll turn into a car.

"A car? No... we're robots with swords. We fight aliens."

Aliens? And swords? I thought we had lasers and shit. And why can't I turn into a car?

"Stop talking. You can only talk by making radio noises."

This is inappropriate, movie makers. I'm not into learning new Transformers folklore.

Also, a friend of mine told me she wants to fuck the guy from G.I. Joe and there's nothing disgusting or weird about that because it seems like a reasonable thing to want to do. I'm gonna go lay down for a while. Things done changed.

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At this point, I'm done. For those with concerns for how short this was, here's a brief FAQ:

What the fuck!? I expected more!

I'm very sorry. I didn't have a lot of things to say. Plus? Nobody's reading this. Even you, who are actually reading this, aren't actually reading this. Our readership is nearly zero.

Get mad at Chiles! He's not even grieving this year!

Come on, man. Nothing else pissed you off this year? Are you aware of Jamarcus Russell? Didn't you watch Jersey Shore?

Stop it. And Jersey Shore is glorious. A woman named Snooki got punched in the mouth for being annoying. Just glorious.

I feel gypped. You couldn't go on a date with Jupiter? Were you too lazy to shoot a Youtube video of yourself driving around town bitching about people?

Coincidentally, I used to know a girl named Jupiter who was actually kinda cute. Look... if you want more, I'm going to donate my leftover space to my cat Peaches. Go to town, Peach.

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You know what I can't stand? When the humans move their feet around under the blanket, then get all pissed off when you attack 'em in the middle of the night. Am I supposed to know that's not a mouse? Am I a fuckin' mousologist or something? Keep your feet out the fuckin' blanket if you don't want 'em scratched up!

And what is the deal with the goddamned vacuum!? Who wins with the fuckin' vacuum!? Who exactly is that for!!

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Ladies and gentlemen, that was Peaches. While I'm sticking with the gimmick, let's give some space to Tiger Woods.

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All you skanky women that I may have slept with at some point, please take note:

The fact that I boned you in an elevator somewhere doesn't mean we were having an affair. It means I was boning you in an elevator. Get it straight. Frankly, I was probably just using you as a warm up act before meeting one of my real girlfriends because I didn't want them thinking I came too fast. Think of yourselves as practice tees and set your expectations accordingly.

Also, just because you saw seventeen women giving interviews to the news media about having slept with me doesn't mean it's a good idea to show up on TMZ wearing a Peyton Manning jersey. I'm rich, I'm powerful and my ability to obsess and focus are without peer. If you think there's a chance in hell I'm not going to murder you all for having ruined the lifestyle that I meticulously built for myself, then you needed to watch more Gatorade commercials.

I mean, I'm about to be a divorced multi-millionaire without a job. Sure, Perez Hilton offered you $5,000 for a feature story, but the ladies that were classy enough to keep everything under their hats are in prime position to spend a month or two with me on a yacht sailing in oceans so exclusive, you've never even heard of them. You're all idiots. Good luck trying to get knocked up by Damon Albarn, elevator pussy.

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And I think that's it.

Comments

[Vandelay]

Stop it. And Jersey Shore is glorious. A woman named Snooki got punched in the mouth for being annoying. Just glorious.

It really is fascinating. That DJ douche is actually from my hometown...go figure.

Next year I think I'm doing my entire set of grievances as my cat. That shit is funny.

[Dr. Whatley]

Speaking of dedication to accuracy, how about some accuracy in porn labeling?

There ought to be some kind of congressional committee to look into this. I'm tired of seeing "super hot blonde goes down on ripped stud" only to see a fat nasty disease encrusted slob blow Ron Jeremy. Booo!

[Assman]

Next year I think I'm doing my entire set of grievances as my cat.

I actually thought about this. Up until last night, the cat section was 8 paragraphs longer. Then I decided to be less ridiculous.

There ought to be some kind of congressional committee to look into this.

How hard would it be to convince congressmen to do this for a few hours a day?

Wait... I'm sorry. I mean, how hard would it be to convince congressmen who are already doing this for a few hours a day to consider it part of their work duties?

[Vandelay]

I actually thought about this. Up until last night, the cat section was 8 paragraphs longer. Then I decided to be less ridiculous.

I wish you hadn't. There are few things funnier than cats being all superior and douchey.

Who wins with the fuckin' vacuum!?

Killin' me.

[Kenny Bania]

I can't stand people who get in fights and bite their opponent. I just can't.

Biting is only reserved in fights to the death.

I also believe that ball hits/kicks are completely acceptable when you have next to no chance at winning a fight, or when you're outnumbered. I also thing bone breaking is acceptable when you're outnumbered. Usually at both of these points I just run, though. I'm pretty fast.

[Mr. Kruger]

Speaking of dedication to accuracy, how about some accuracy in porn labeling?

like "disgusting photos of womens faces covered in gallons stomach-turning gelatinous man seed" i don't understand the facial thing at all.

[Assman]

There are few things funnier than cats being all superior and douchey.

I guess, but when I re-read, "I piss on the clean laundry to get that detergent smell off of it and what do they do? Get mad at me?", it felt too silly to go forward. It was cat humor for chrissakes. What next? A Cathy comic?

Biting is only reserved in fights to the death.

Or when you need the person to think you're insane so they leave you alone. Humans don't bite humans.

like "disgusting photos of womens faces covered in gallons stomach-turning gelatinous man seed"

I actually have that site bookmarked.

[Schmoopie]

My kid has one of those "Ripley's Believe It or Not" books. Fact: Something like 200 or 300 New Yorkers get bitten by rats each year, vs. 1,500 being bitten by their fellow human New Yorkers.

[Kenny Bania]

There's at least 1500 adult biters in a population of 8 million.

[Assman]

There's at least 1500 adult biters in a population of 8 million.

Something like 200 or 300 New Yorkers get bitten by rats each year, vs. 1,500 being bitten by their fellow human New Yorkers.

I'm sure you'll find similar percentages of people enjoy being pissed on during sex. Fucking CRAZY.

[Mr. Kruger]

I actually have that site bookmarked.

how about the midgets? the midgets are tight.

[Lucy]

I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.

Lucy

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