I'm gonna go ahead and start a new feature called "Things I would write on Facebook if I wasn't remotely concerned about alienating half the people I know." My Facebook home page quite often reads like the Benoit thread which in theory should make it a completely fulfilling experience but unlike that thread, I actually know these people and even consider many of them friends. According to FB, they're all my friends so this little relationship tends to make me cease pulling the trigger on what many people that lack an appropriate sense of humor would consider assholish comments. I don't really need people taking anything I type with anything more than a grain of salt so thankfully I have this blog and even more thankfully I'm not exactly "read my blog guy" so 99% of the people I know have no idea it exists. So for a goof, I'm just going to respond to them here in almost complete anonymity. If we're lucky maybe a Klompus or Assman will follow suit because let's face it, when it comes to being assholes, I'm swimming in their wake.
First of all, to like half of my friends...Not only do I go outside on a regular basis but I also own a house with about 16 windows. While I appreciate the updates, I understand that it's been raining a lot in the northeast lately but there really are few things more mundane in this world than people complaining about the weather. It may be the most tired exercise one can partake in. Please just stop.
Disclaimer: I started writing this almost a week ago in a hotel in Hershey, PA and had it saved as a draft and then got sidetracked by MJ dying and I came back to it this morning with a different point of view. While I think it would make for great blog material, something about it seems shady. I don't want to be that guy. If I want to make fun of people I know, I'll just keep doing it right in front of them. If they can't take, maybe we shouldn't be friends in the first place. For the hell of it, I'll throw in a quick vacation story after the jump though.
My two year old (pictured above being devoured by the Cookie Monster) calls the POTUS "Rock O'Mama." Either that or "Rocco Mama." For the sake of this story, I'll go with the former. She yells it every time she sees him on TV or a magazine cover, etc. It's extremely cute but one day a couple of months ago, Herm Edwards was on TV and she yelled Rock O'Mama at the TV. It was kind of funny and I didn't really think much of it. We live in one of the most racist areas of the country so black folks don't exactly flock here.
To make a long story short, we're at this Sesame Place last Thursday and there are like 50 times more black people than she's ever seen her entire life. Seriously, are black kids irrationally obssessed with Sesame Street or something? What an incredible explosion of racial harmony. Anyway, every time my kid sees a skinny, black man she yells Rock O'Mama at them. Is my kid racist? I think I'm leaning that way because everytime I saw a skinny, black man walking towards us I stressed right the fuck out.
More importantly, doesn't that dude standing behind them in that picture look like Mike Tomlin?
Disclaimer: Yes I realize this is a big fucking mess of a blog post but no...you can't have those 5 minutes back.
"More importantly, doesn't that dude standing behind them in that picture look like Mike Tomlin?"
Generalizing a bit, don't you think? Just because he's wearing yellow and black...
Posted by: Jack Klompus | June 30, 2009 at 12:43 PM
Someone needs to contact Vandelay and let him know that some whacko is posting stuff in his name...
Posted by: TMan | June 30, 2009 at 01:05 PM
While holding my nieces hand and walking into a Mexican restaurant she loudly proclaimed "Uuugh... disgusting Mexicans." Naturally, I texted this scenario to all my friends, one of whom is Mexican. Responses varied from "Your niece is a bigot" to "Sounds about right."
The point I'm trying to get across is that it's never to early to get your child involved in the Aryan Nation or Westboro Baptist Church.
Posted by: Kenny Bania | June 30, 2009 at 01:09 PM
Someone needs to contact Vandelay and let him know that some whacko is posting stuff in his name...
Seriously...what the fuck was that guy babbling about?
Posted by: Vandelay | June 30, 2009 at 01:40 PM
My son would occasionally announce that a random Asian guy who looked nothing like his dad (aside from being Asian) looked like Daddy. But he didn't point at random white women and say they looked like me. I suspect Rock O'Mama and my bonus baby-daddies are the effect of living in a majority-white neighborhood.
Why else would Michael Jackson have straightened his hair, lightened his skin, and skinnied his nose? It's because he moved out of Gary, Indiana, isn't it?
Posted by: Schmoopie | June 30, 2009 at 02:35 PM
it's never to early to get your child involved in the Aryan Nation or Westboro Baptist Church
...unless they're Jewish and/or a boy wearing pink -- then you might want to hold off until they learn how to swing a baseball bat in self-defence.
Posted by: H.E. Pennypacker | June 30, 2009 at 03:39 PM
Disclaimer: Yes I realize this is a big fucking mess of a blog post but no...you can't have those 5 minutes back.
Only took me three.
Hey, real quick. Weird how you were in Hershey last weekend as I was about 20 minutes north of there in "Anthracite Coal Burning Crystal Meth-ville"...or borough...or something, at the same time. Thanks for saying hello.
there really are few things more mundane in this world than people complaining about the weather.
Its cold here. And my favorite FB updates include people who go into detail their daily routine.
"Fatty McWaddles...is picking up forty bags of Doritos then off to the cleaners then off to pick up little Fatty and can't wait to hang with my gir-lee-friends later on to ogle guys that think I'm a large vat of lard. Peace yo!"
Posted by: Dr. Tim Whatley | June 30, 2009 at 04:13 PM
My daughter once saw an asian guy and whispered to me asking if that was Kevin from the Good Night Show. It was around then that I realized we needed to get out more.
By the way... the next time you say something semi-retarded on FaceBook, I'm going to open right the fuck up... slap you in front of you woman and everything.
Posted by: Assman | June 30, 2009 at 04:27 PM
"And my favorite FB updates include people who go into detail their daily routine."
My favorite is the people who you know are having some fucked up problems at home and they're all like "My hubby and I are going out for dinner and drinks tonight! Yay date night!" And you so badly want to comment with something like, "Good luck at the marriage counselor. Don't be afraid to open up about your whorish past."
Posted by: Jack Klompus | June 30, 2009 at 04:27 PM
You guys are really making me want to actually do this now. My biggest pet peeve are people that just write "sigh" or "why do I try so hard" or things of that ilk. It's like they're dying for you to ask them questions about their life so that they can go into some tirade about how they're victimized by everyone and everything and people always buy right into it! I want to slap them silly.
By the way... the next time you say something semi-retarded on FaceBook, I'm going to open right the fuck up... slap you in front of you woman and everything.
That'd be awesome. Looking forward to it. My current status is actually semi-retarded so hop to it.
Posted by: Vandelay | June 30, 2009 at 04:37 PM
We live in one of the most racist areas of the country so black folks don't exactly flock here.
I'm going to assume this can be classified under "dramatic license". Unless you're talking about the RI slave trade triangle of 1806 or the twenty five lawn jockies spread out all over Louie Retardo's front yard (stolen and never returned in 1981).
Posted by: Mr. Kruger | June 30, 2009 at 05:18 PM
Okay, I've never lived anywhere else so yeah...dramatic license in effect. I'm just talking about all the wops that don't like black people.
Posted by: Vandelay | June 30, 2009 at 05:32 PM
I like how halfway through the post you grew a conscience yet still posted the first half rather than deleting it and writing a new post.
I don't understand why people feel the need to post their every move on their FB status.
"drinking first cup of coffee"
"watching Tyra"
"cleaning house"
"masturbating"
Really? Who cares what your every move is? Isn't that what Twitter is for? Don't get me started on how pointless Twitter is.
I tried to figure out how you got Mike Tomlin out of a guy whose face you cannot see, but I couldn't. Was Klompus right with the yellow and black comment?
The first time my son saw a black man (a coworker of mine) he just stopped, stood and stared at him really hard. He had this very intrigued look on his face. Then he walked up to him and put his arms up for the man to pick him up. Almost like he was deciding if it was a good idea or not. It was funny. Guess you had to be there.
Posted by: April | June 30, 2009 at 05:44 PM
I like how halfway through the post you grew a conscience yet still posted the first half rather than deleting it and writing a new post.
And waste all these genius keystrokes? The conscience was over posting individual people's status updates and then mocking them anonymously. I never got to that part. I'm okay with letting everyone know that I feel my FB page is generally retarded.
I tried to figure out how you got Mike Tomlin out of a guy whose face you cannot see, but I couldn't. Was Klompus right with the yellow and black comment?
Ummm...no. I have no idea what that guy looks like. The joke was supposed to be that I'm wondering if my kid's racist for thinking all black people look alike and then spouting off a generalization about some random black dude who I can't even see. It's not as funny when you have to explain it.
I do however think you're son's reaction is hilarious.
Posted by: Vandelay | June 30, 2009 at 05:57 PM
With all the social networking sites, terrorism meter freak outs, stranger danger, texting, twitter, Dateline, America's Most Wanted, and all the other shit to make parents keep their kids in a bubble; this next generation is going to be a bunch of socially retarded skittish chihuahua like goons.
Except for my niece. Cute little mean racist. She loves Dora, though. It's perplexing.
Posted by: Kenny Bania | July 01, 2009 at 09:22 AM
My favorite is the people who you know are having some fucked up problems at home and they're all like "My hubby and I are going out for dinner and drinks tonight! Yay date night!"
Sadly, I know a dozen people on my FB that qualify for this also.
Posted by: Dr. Tim Whatley | July 01, 2009 at 10:37 AM
"Ummm...no. I have no idea what that guy looks like. The joke was supposed to be that I'm wondering if my kid's racist for thinking all black people look alike and then spouting off a generalization about some random black dude who I can't even see. It's not as funny when you have to explain it.
I am an idiot. Nuff said.
Posted by: April | July 01, 2009 at 10:49 AM
your day sounds like mine,,,too much so, FB is not the place for too much of anything,,so sad to say my girls put me on there,,nice to have read your words..................
Posted by: wendy miller | July 20, 2009 at 11:04 PM
Where can i have more info on this ?
Posted by: pass saliva drug test | November 06, 2009 at 01:13 AM