My senior year in high school I had this teacher who devoted part of the semester to Rhode Island history. The syllabus read "You Can't Make This Up". He covered the Dorr Revolution when RI was at war with itself having two Governors one of which gave freed slaves the right to vote before the Irish and the white women (they were promptly dispatched to the front lines to earn that right before being told "psyche"). He covered the trolley riots, the Woonsocket riots, the Pawtucket riots, the riots over not being allowed to drink on the job (no really, it happened), and of course Federal Hill: the Mob Capital of New England.
Thirty years ago Joe "Onions" Scanlan (read Scallion) gets wacked in a Providence "social club" (probably one of the most dangerous places on the planet) and buried in a shallow grave in some Portuguese neighborhood. This was not an uncommon occurence in RI when I was youngster. Two wise guys who lived in our plat got it good (shot, set on fire, drowned, bludgeoned, decapitated, and finally dismembered) instantly cementing their legacies to the pride and joy of the neighborhood. If I seem a little RI-phobic from time to time this is one reason why. The Italians in my neighborhood might as well as have been from another universe- but back to Onions.
Well thanks to Onions' old flame, Sandra Surprise (yup, read the article) and her impeccable memory of witnessing her boyfriend get his head blown off we have a reopening of the case. RI-ers love this shit. It makes them feel like they're not alone in the world. Like somehow, through some consecrated endomorphic event they feel they are resolutely linked to this cultural depravity. It's like the fantasy football pandemic except the players are maniacal socio-paths that are good at crime. It's the reason RI-ers would pay a state trooper exorbitant overtime wages to stand in front of a hole in the ground all night long just for effect. Every Dunkin Donuts in RI is filled right now with joyous salt of the earth types reeling with fantastic tales of how Onions was disposed of. "I heard they cut his dick off and shove it up his ass- hahahahahaha." Well, RI, congratulations- today you replace Georgia as the land that evolution forgot.....and old Joey Onions finally has his place in the RI sun.
The mafia represents the dark side of humanity, not the lesser evolved. Some of the rackets they devise are downright brilliant.
Posted by: Jeff | November 18, 2008 at 12:29 PM
That is one fucked up story, in what seems straight out of "Goodfellas".
I really need to go and visit Rhode Island. Really, only because I want to see State Trooper Charlie Baileygates.
Posted by: Dr. Tim Whatley | November 18, 2008 at 12:34 PM
I have to go to a fundraiser for a cop that's going to jail next week at a social club on Federal Hill.
Yes, we set up charities for people that are going to jail.
Was this guy any realtion to Joey Bag-a-Donuts? I don't remember this at all.
Posted by: Vandelay | November 18, 2008 at 01:48 PM
“His prognosis is imminent, immediate, bleak and grim.”
Let's make sure we're clear about this.
She testified that she saw Pari divert Scanlon’s attention in the social club by punching him in the face.
Seems like that might work.
Police believe that a construction site was a prime spot to dump a body.
Really...
Posted by: phil | November 18, 2008 at 02:04 PM
The mafia represents the dark side of humanity, not the lesser evolved.
Thanks for setting me straight on that.
only because I want to see State Trooper Charlie Baileygates.
You'll find him in Jamestown. Which is really an island. A great place if you're into shuffleboard, inebriation, and salty woman.
I have to go to a fundraiser for a cop that's going to jail next week at a social club on Federal Hill.
What the hell??
“His prognosis is imminent, immediate, bleak and grim.”
I believe the Projo has been rated the worst newspaper in the U.S. by several literary magazines. I should have put a disclaimer about that in the post.
Posted by: Mr. Kruger | November 18, 2008 at 03:04 PM
No disclaimer required, Kruger. Reading the news can be the highest form of comedy.
Besides, that was actually a quote from Pari's attorney.
Posted by: phil | November 18, 2008 at 03:58 PM
If I was that guy, looking the way he looks, I'd wake up every morning and think, "Is today the day someone is going to whack me? Where do I come off trying to get away with this haircut and moustache anyway? Someone's going to have to brain me before this week is over."
She testified that she saw Pari divert Scanlon’s attention in the social club by punching him in the face.
If you're about to shoot a guy in the back of the head, do you really have to divert his attention first?
I believe the Projo has been rated the worst newspaper in the U.S. by several literary magazines.
How's that for a reason to get up and go to your shitty newspaper job every day?
"I hate this crappy car, I hate my life, this fucking city is cold and miserable, I haven't gotten laid by someone attractive since 1984... but at least I get to have my name printed on the masthead of the objectively shittiest newspaper on the planet every morning. Maybe today will be the day someone cuts my dick off and shoves it into my own ass..."
Posted by: Assman | November 18, 2008 at 04:56 PM
Where do I come off trying to get away with this haircut and moustache anyway?
I defy you to show me just one person who had a better hairstyle than that in 1978. Just one.
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Posted by: XYFloyd | November 18, 2008 at 10:04 PM
"This is the only site that will pay you out daily.. So make 50 bucks your first night and you get paid it that night! Check em out its so easy to do you won't believe you are getting paid to do it.. Oh ya and its completely free.
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I wonder which keywords attracted this spammer? Probably a combo of "Georgia," "onions," and "shove it up his ass." They've been getting vidalia farmers with that for years.
Posted by: Jack Klompus | November 19, 2008 at 12:26 PM
Joey Onions was the best of the best!!!
lifetime versus weekend???? think about it
Posted by: Jeff | November 19, 2008 at 01:12 PM
hello friend excellent post about Oh Joe, We Hardly Knew Ye thanks for sharing!!
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