Bristles for Bitches

Friday was new toothbrush day. Yep, that's right. Big day, you know? I'm shopping for something to put in my mouth for the next month, so I'd like to get it right.

But every time I pick a toothbrush, I'm disappointed. Why? Well, they have a lot of "soft" bristle toothbrushes, which we all know are for gaping vaginas. And I'm like, no. Fuck that. I want to clean my teeth, not coddle them. And then I see some "medium" bristles. Better, but not good enough. I want "hard" bristles. Or "concrete". Or "will make your gums look like a meth addict's". But no. Nowhere to be found, ever. It's like "regular" and "large" condoms. Fucking retailers...if you have soft, you have to have hard. None of this medium stuff. Ridic.

So listen up, toothbrush manufacturers. Make some hard bristle toothbrushes. Make something that will scrape the fuck out of my teeth instead of making them feel "fresh". This isn't Summer's Eve, people. I want to know that my teeth have been sufficiently brushed because my gums start bleeding like a coke addict's nose. I want them to leave me crying harder than a Zimbabwean woman being fucked by a 12-inch dildo studded with conflict diamonds. MAN UP, TOOTHBRUSH MANUFACTURERS!!!!

Comments

[lattalayne]

Hey, Newman, come down to the hardware store. We've got toothbrushes with STAINLESS STEEL BRISTLES!!! That's right, stainless steel, bitches!!!!

[Super G]

Hard bristles are actually bad for your teeth enamel. Just so you know.

Carry on.

[Newman]

MY TEETH ENAMEL LAYS ON MY TEETH LIKE A BROAD!

[Schmoopie]

Newman, I spent a decade as a dental editor. Medium and hard bristles are bad. My sister-in-law used to scrub the hell out of her teeth with medium bristles. You know what happened? She scrubbed her gumline down, and along the gumline, your teeth don't have enamel, they just have softer dentin. Her teeth were painfully sensitive because she was scrubbing the dentin off.

The dentin contains "tubules," or tiny little tubes with fluid in them. When they're exposed to the outside because you have scrubbed the hell out of your teeth with medium bristles, the fluid shifts around in the tubules and sends "DANGER!" messages to the nerves that hurt like a mofo. Don't do it, man.

Also, bleeding gums = dental problem. Not a sign of cleanliness, but of gum disease, irritation, or infection.

My advice for you: Buy the soft-bristled toothbrush, and replace it more often. When the bristles start to look stepped-on, get a new brush.

And furthermore, people: If you've just had orange juice or lemonade or Coke, something acidic with sugar in it, you may think you should brush the hell out of your teeth as soon as possible. But that acid softens your enamel and dentin, and you may end up scrubbing away your tooth surface. So rinse out with water, chew some sugarless gum, and brush after the acid's gone from your teeth.

Some people think I'm just a big ol' crossword nerd, but in truth, I am also a dentistry nerd.

[Newman]

I know the acid part. That's supposedly why gatorade is f-ing up athlete's teeth because it's acidic and since they continually drink it at many intervals the teeth don't harden up and yada yada yada.

But my dentist told me I should make them bleed because it makes my gums stronger.

[Assman]

In a related note, I want to fill up my car with leaded gasoline. What's the deal with this pussy 87 octane shit?

[Newman]

Assman, please don't compare apples and jihads.

[Dr. Tim Whatley]

But my dentist told me I should make them bleed because it makes my gums stronger.

Floss. Or do you need 14 lb. test fishing line to do what you need it to accomplish?

[Newman]

Did I accidentally post this on the Airing out of Vaginas?

If you guys need me, I'll be over at the Airing of MANLINESS.

[MyName]

If the man wants to bitch let him bitch, if he wants a hard bristle toothbrush don't just tell him he's wrong, give him a hard bristle tooth brush or shut the fuck up. There's statistical information that proves benefits to all types of toothbrushes, however there is no scientific proof to either support or condemn any on type of dental toothbrush. Also, considering everyone brushes differently my suspicion is that while a certain toothbrush or type thereof may be advantageous to one person and harmful to another. Anyways FUCK YOU!

By the way, here are some links to some hard bristle brushes some have extra hard, but still offer soft, medium and hard so you know it's not bullshit.

you might want to try:
http://www.vermontcountrystore.com/browse/Home/Apothecary/Dental-Mouth-Care/Natural-Bristle-Toothbrushes/D/30106/P/1:100:1000:10030/I/f01256?evar3=PREVIOUSVIEWED
or
http://www.shoplondons.com/smokers.html

if you need to save the money, try these:
http://www.medichest.com/lactonatoothbrushnaturalbristleextrahard3rowea.html

http://www.smallflower.com/swissco/tortoise-hard-natural-bristle-toothbrush-one-toothbrush-toothbrush.html

[dentist los angeles]

Like you I want a tooth brush with a hard bristles, because when I'm using a soft bristles tooth brush I think it can't clean my teeth. It only refresh my mouth but not clean it better.

-heather-