NBA Draft 2008

Yes, this is an NBA Draft journal. If you want an apology for being "one of the herd," read the one I wrote last year. All the same shit applies.

Now, let's not start dicking around so we can get directly into setting the stage. It's going to be a long night and I think this could get wordy. I'm at home, sitting comfortably in my man cave in Phoenix, AZ. If you're not sure why I chose to watch this in here or why I even have a man cave, then you're either:

• the type of woman that says "men don't make any sense" even though everything we do is obviously motivated by either a desire for convenience, sex or survival
• someone who doesn't have any aggressive toddler spawn running around his house 28 hours a day, purely in pursuit of his very last nerve
• assuming I mean "man cave" in the colloquial sense that translates to "gay man's anus." Which I'm not. Good lord, that'd be an uncomfortable way to spend a few hours.

This year's foreign beer of choice is Pacifico. (Hopefully, they've found a way to remove Montezuma's Revenge during the brewing process; otherwise, this draft journal may suddenly skip from pick 12 to pick 18 with very little explanation.) My team, the Indiana Pacers has found a way to get multiple picks in the first round (so I have motivation to remain relatively sober) and a way to rid our roster of Jermaine O'Neal without taking on an even more laughable contract in the process. If I wasn't so decidedly heterosexual, I'd be offering Larry Bird access to my man cave in celebration. Interpret that however you'd like.

I've been here working from home all day and watching ESPN's ticker for trade info. That means I've had to pretend to like tennis, soccer, baseball and Around the Horn just to hear tidbits about the Nuggets trading away their first round draft pick for cash. I think I deserve a second beer for that. And yes... it's still around 3 PM.

The only worthwhile news so far is that Richard Jefferson was traded to Milwaukee for Yi Jianlian and Bobby Simmons. That trade means the Bucks are saying, "Fine. We admit it. We shouldn't have drafted the skinny Chinese guy. And offering 8 figures to Bobby Simmons was a huge mistake. And we probably shouldn't have spent close to a jillion dollars on a guy named Mo Williams. At least nobody remembers that we also chose to not draft Chris Paul. We're going to atone for our errors by trading for a guy that looks like the nerdy dick boyfriend in every black movie, so please don't fire us." The Nets, conversely, are saying, "Seriously. He's the nerdy dick boyfriend. Somebody brings it up every time we watch Mo' Money on the team plane."

And... the draft begins. Let's climb into a bulleted format.

We've got Jay Bilas, Jeff Van Gundy, Mark Jackson and Stuart Scott tonight. Van Gundy is providing a buffer between Jay Bilas and the two black guys. I suspect he's pleased with that.

All of the commentators tonight are wearing little headsets. Sort of makes them look like N*Sync. Here's hoping they'll all be wearing matching shiny silver pants after the commercial break. Bye bye bye!

Ric Bucher looks like the guy that has to settle for Dan Majerle's sloppy seconds and really, really loves it. "No, I've never played pro ball, but I do cover it for the newspaper. Can I buy you a drink?"

There's still an unfathomable 20 minutes until the first pick and the crew is killing time with small talk. I'm listening to more rhetoric and pandering than a reporter at a presidential debate. Should the Miami Heat draft the best player available? Yes or no? This isn't the type of thing that requires a panel discussion.

Okay... the commercial for Sprite where everybody leaves on their sneakers and dives into the pool that used to be a basketball court? How did that kid hanging on the rim get up there?

Stuart Scott just informed me that Doris Burke doesn't have any tattoos. My penis just imploded as I imagined why he might know that sort of thing.

There are too many sideline reporters here. I disagree, ESPN! I disagree with your policy decision!

I'm watching clips of Danilo Gallinari right now. Apparently, he's been kicking some fucking ass playing against teams that look like they're in my rec league. It's not good when I'm watching tape of a prospect and wondering if he can someday be as good as Mike Dunleavy.

I just saw a commerical for 10,000 BC and I think Greg Oden was playing himself. And, yes, I only wrote that because I wanted to be the last guy on earth to make a "Greg Oden looks old" joke.

The Bulls are about to make the first pick. Now is as good a time as any to make something clear.
br> I, without a doubt, am always wrong about who the first pick should be. I wanted Jay Williams over Yao Ming because Yao was too much of a pussy to do something cool like ride a motorcycle. I liked Andrew Bogut over Chris Paul because he's got an Aussie accent. I liked Tyrus Thomas over... whoever the first pick was that year. Durant over Oden, etc. If this proves nothing else, it means teams should be calling me before they make the first pick, asking me who I'd go with, then immediately tossing that person's name 1,000 miles from their draft board. This year, I'd 100% go with Beasley, so Derrick Rose is clearly the guy the Bulls should be taking here. Enjoy the rings, fellas.

It also should settle the whole Durant / Oden debate. Last season, Durant scored 20 points per game, murdered the championship aspirations of every fantasy basketball roster he played on because of his poor shooting percentage, grabbed a seemingly-accidental 5 rebounds per game and managed to not rape any hotel concierges in Colorado. By NBA standards, that's a decent first season. Given Durant's numbers, Greg Oden is definitely going to average a triple double this year, win the championship, save the earth from the Nerdluck Monstars in Space Jam 2, make love to the entire female cast of a primetime NBC drama and get paid $10,000 to fart in a guy's mouth on Youtube while making out with 3 girls I wanted to hook up with in high school. (I'm guessing Josette, Maureen and, oh... let's say, Paula.) If there was a way to bet on Greg Oden being hot shit this year, I'd be telling you to do it.

The podium is a trapezoid this year; presumably to hide David Stern's massive balls. With all the booing going on, people chanting out that the draft is fixed and kids yelling "save our Sonics," a lesser man might have sheepishly apologized for embroiling the league in controversy and arrogance. Stern, however, says "We had our best year ever," waves a middle finger at the crowd, and dips backstage to get some of Greg Oden's sloppy seconds. Massive, massive balls.

I feel as though I should mention this... the Bulls could be drafting Shaquille "The Answer" Duncan with this first pick and their coach would still be Vinny Del Negro, so... grain of salt.

Derrick Rose goes to Chicago. On his way to the podium, he hugs 12 guys, one of which is wearing Jodeci brand sunglasses at 7 PM indoors. Also worth mentioning - Doris Burke has on a wedding ring. Really?

Miami picks Michael Beasley. Duh. He's the best player in the draft. Mike Beasley could be playing baseball and he'd still find a way to score 20 points a game. I'm not sure why this pick was so damned controversial.

John Paxson is being interviewed by a guy that would make Richard Jefferson say "wow, what a nerdy dick." The interview is taking place on a basketball court. Think John knows he's not a baller anymore? Minnesota is on the clock.

The Wolves draft OJ Mayo. He's looking a little bit like James Worthy had a kid with a librarian tonight. I'm not sure if he's going to dunk on me or offer me legal advice. I'm going to say he should lose the glasses and look into a mohawk.

A graphic pops up listing Seattle's needs as "point guard and center." How does that make their point guards and centers feel? Is Luke Ridnour sitting at home with a glass of scotch, trying to talk himself through his feelings of inadequacy?

I just peeked at my wife's shopping list. It said "Bread, milk, husband." Save some scotch for me, Luke.

During OJ's interview, $40,000 falls out of his suit pocket. Take the money and be proud, brother. They need to just go ahead and start paying these college athletes anyway. Come on. Let's be real.

Quick question: How much of a dick do you think Pat Riley is in real life?

The Sonics draft Russell Westbrook about a year too early. He wasn't even the best player on his own team in college. Meanwhile, Kevin Durant remembers that last year Seattle wasted the #5 pick on Jeff Green and is starting to wonder how competent the people running the show are.

Hang on... I think Seattle is trading this pick to Oklahoma City for... no... no, wait... never mind. Sorry, Sonics fans.

I'm eating a box of Cheez-It's right now. My choice in snacks is worse than the Sonics' choice of draft picks. I mean, Tostitos and salsa were still on the board, man! Come on!

I was arguing earlier this week with a guy I work with about the price of gasoline. He says we shouldn't invest in alternative energy sources because the oil companies should invest their money into accelerated off-shore drilling to increase the global supply. I argued that by investing in alternative energy sources, we'd be decreasing demand, and that strictly accelerating the increase in supply would only perpetutate the behavior that got us into the current oil crisis and bring us closer to a sharper cost increase once our reserves run low again. He then reminded me that the sharpest increases in price come from market speculation, not demand, and that it would be most rapidly abated by showing investors an immediate effort to drive an increase in supply. We shook hands and left the discussion proud of the educated discourse. It felt good to be a part of something enlightening.

Meanwhile, on the retarded half of the planet, the Grizzlies used the 5th pick to draft Kevin Love. So, while I'm feeling all good about what it means to be part of a highly-functioning intelligent society (not unlike Zenn-la or Krypton), someone down in Memphis figured it'd be a good idea to chew on a car battery for a half-hour before making a major business decision.

On the bright side, at least Indiana can't draft him now. It's never a good sign when a guy who looks like your 47 year old uncle who spends all afternoon fishing and trying to talk you into John McCain between sips of beer gets into a guaranteed contract with your team. Which doesn't mean he's not a good basketball player. I'm just saying he looks like the guy that calls his wife "his old lady" and takes a good 3 minutes to run the bases in a softball game. Good luck with that.

The Knicks take Danilo Gallinari. 4 to 1 he gets shanked before he makes it out of the building. Tony Soprano couldn't get excited about this pick. The Knicks have to stop this shit sometime, right?

The Clippers are up. They're looking at some nice options here.

And they go with Eric Gordon. Cuttino Mobley, privately, has a conversation with his wife, Jessica Gillooly.

Donnie Walsh is being interviewed about his Danilo draft pick. One question not asked? "Donnie, considering how badly you fucked up the Pacers before you left, your absurd draft history and the fact that you just drafted a guy that compares favorably to most of our viewers' 'cousins who can kinda play some ball,' why do people still claim that you're a competent GM?"

The Bucks drafted Joe Alexander for no reason. They just traded for a small forward. If you hear his name ever again, it'll be a surprise. Well done. Meanwhile, I'm starting to think about Brook Lopez at pick 11 for Indy. Let's hope the Bobcats want Jerryd Bayless.

Joe Alexander looks like a Keanu Reeves character. I may need to switch to soda for a bit.

The Bobcats take DJ Augustin? Ray Felton may need to peek at his wife's shopping list. By the way, has Michael Jordan ever made a draft pick that didn't at least sound kinda retarded?

I'm on the phone with my brother who is trying to convince me that I need to become a Nets fan since they're going to become my hometown team soon and that Brook Lopez is the draft pick they're going to take. I'm openly considering murdering him.

The Nets take Brook Lopez. I may need a small break. There are officially no players left in this draft that I might want on my team.

Some of these women that host these HGTV shows are cute, but I can't imagine living with them. Painting and shit every weekend... man, that'd get old.

It just occurred to me that Memphis now has Rudy Gay and Kevin Love. Those jerseys are going to look great side by side.

I'm listening to Brook Lopez get inerviewed. Not only does he have the name of a teenaged girl from Southern California who really likes Sublime, but he also has her voice. Maybe Darrell Arthur won't be such a bad choice. Dodged a bullet there.

The Pacers draft Jerryd Bayless despite the fact that we just traded for TJ Ford and already had 3 point guards on the roster. I... uh...

According to this graphic, Jerryd's "must improve" is "passing." Not bad for our new point guard. I believe the Pacers' front office "must improve" their "not making me want to punch faces."

The Kings are on the clock. I'm not enthusiastic.

Jason Thompson is the pick. That was as shocking as the Houston Rockets Clyde Drexler jersey I just saw somebody in the crowd wearing. Abdur-Rahim, Kenny Thomas, Shelden William's forehead... don't the Kings have anough underwhelming big guys?

Pick 13 goes to Portland. I can't tell if this draft is annoying me or if the Pacers just drafted Jerryd Bayless.

Portalnd takes Brandon Rush. Decent pick. Won't excite anyone outside of Onions and Oranges, but it's a really good call.

And you know what? My brother just called to remind me that the Pacers' 3 point guards are TJ Ford (who has ancient papyrus where his spine should be), Jamaal Tinsley (who hasn't given a fuck about anything since 1998) and Travis Diener (who is Travis Diener), so... maybe that Bayless pick isn't so bad after all.

Golden State drafts all 6'10" and 43 pounds of Anthony Russell from LSU. Excellent. I was starting to miss Jonathan Bender.

Dick Vitale is on TV screaming about how great American born college basketball players are and decrying the number of roster positions given to foreign athletes. Right now, Lou Dobbs is at home furiously masturbating.

Phoenix drafts Robin Lopez. Cool. There aren't enough millionaire dicks from California with absurd haircuts around here. Just add him to the fucking pile.

Philadelphia takes Marreese Speights. Read that name again very closely. Savor it. Take it in. You will never, ever, ever hear it again.

The Pacers are up with their second draft pick, and we take the mummified remains of Roy Hibbert. Roy is so old and fossilized that if he opened up his asshole for drilling, the price of oil would drop $30 a barrel. I feel good about this.

Hang on... I'm missing a bunch of stuff here because a.) the Pacers don't have any more picks so I could give a shit, b.) I barely know the remaining fuckers on the board anyway and c.) my kids are growing anxious knowing I'm not around for them to hassle.

In case you don't have kids, here's a sample conversation that I just had with my 2 year old tonight:

Her: "I want a cookie, please."
Me: "Sure, I can give you a cookie."
Her: "I want more cookies, please."
Me: "Okay, I'll put 4 in a bowl."
Her: "Don't want 4. I want all the cookies."
Me: "There are about 52 cookies in here. That's an unreasonable request."
Her: "Want 52 cookies!!"
Me: "You can't have them?"
Her: *burns down house*

So... maybe it's best that I wrap shit up here.

Comments

[SL22]

Luckily, there's really nowhere in Miami for Beasley to get himself arrested at.

[Aaron]

Wow. You actually wanted Brook Lopez? He was the one player that would make me stop rooting for the Grizzlies, and if I'm still rooting for them, you realize how much of a task that would be. Lopez has to be the best latest example of players from a good system being confused with good players. Stanford Players taken in the first round: Josh Childress, Mark Madsen, Casey Jacobsen, Jason Collins. Brook Lopez is a poor man's Jason Collins. Yikes.

[Assman]

Wow. You actually wanted Brook Lopez?

At 11? Yes. Currently starting at center for the Indiana Pacers is Jeff Foster, backed up by Rasho Nesterovic and David Harrison. If any of those names don't sound like they could use an upgrade, then we're not watching the same sport.

Additionally, all those Stanford guys you mentioned may not be superstars, but they're all still in the league making rosters. Rasho and David are about to become waiver wire fodder as soon as their contracts wear out.

Also, worth mentioning... trading Bayless and Diogu for Rush and Jack was not a good thing. We already have a Rush brother and he can't get off the bench.

Luckily, there's really nowhere in Miami for Beasley to get himself arrested at.

I don't get it. Has Beasley ever been arrested? I keep hearing all these attacks on his character, but all I've seen is a great baller.

[jackie]

I don't get it. Has Beasley ever been arrested?

Cue Don Imus' music.

[OCHO OCHO]

Is anyone going to draft this guy?

[jackie]

Is anyone going to draft this guy?

Didn't he go with first pick in the second round?

(Yes, I was still watching.)

[SL22]

I read a long article about his craziness last year. I'm looking for it now.

[T-Bone]

Wow, for a UVa alum, you gave up pretty quick on your boy, Sean Singletary. Got drafted at 42 overall, 12th in the second round by the Kings (who suck, but have no great prospects at PG, so he may actually get some good PT this year).

[phil]

"Is anyone going to draft this guy?"

As a matter a fact, there's this guy they call Snake, twice his size, doing life at Attica. He's gonna take him in the first round.

[Assman]

Wow, for a UVa alum, you gave up pretty quick on your boy, Sean Singletary.

I'll get excited for him once he suits up. He's not even guaranteed a roster spot here.

[Ryan Mac]

wow! thanks for the shout out and the "Lou Dobbs is at home furiously masturbating" joke. since i didn't SEE the draft i need some good mental imagery. funny stuff. the way these drafts play out i think most of the GMs are downing beers too (to quell their nervousness). how else to explain the Bucks (Joe Alexander), the weird trades, Westbrook, the Pacers, the Kings, the Knicks? just pick a tall guy and hope you don't get ripped by the media/fans (warning: you are gonna get ripped by the media/fans). last pick of the 2nd round? Semih Erden. who will "be in Turkey a while". nice. great journal. my man-cave plans are coming together.

[Art Vandelay]

Great stuff Assman. Thanks.