The Airing of Grievances

The Day The Benoit (and any hope for humanity) Died

June 26th, 2007 – It started out innocuously enough. Chiles decides to put up a post on the death of Canadian professional wrestler and rabid wolverine, Chris Benoit. It was a bit of an odd post because Chiles had written the first two bullets in a bit of a tributary manner, prior to hearing the news that the man had just engineered a double homicide at the hands of his wife and son before taking his own life. Still, the odds on this becoming the single greatest post not only in AofG history but quite possibly the internet as a whole were infinitesimal. Today, one year later, we take a look back on the legend that is… R.I.P. Chris Benoit.

Look, most people who read this blog would say that its contributors as well as commenters attempt to be fairly erudite and of course we’re very cynical by nature but some of that is manufactured only because it’s the nature of this blog to be cynical. It’s the essence of Festivus. What happened on June 26th, 2007 however, was real. If you were there, you will never forget. If you weren’t and if you have a couple moments and aren’t afraid to have your faith in mankind challenged, just skim through that colossal 253 comment section that follows. If you don’t have the time, I’ll summarize.

Basically, we were just going to talk about it amongst ourselves for a couple of hours until everyone realized that we were talking about a dead wrestler and that would be it. Then about a dozen comments deep, becca happened…

I CONNOT BELIVE SOME OF THESE ASSHOLES TALKING DOWN ON A MAN WHO IS NO LONGER IN THIS WORLD!!!!!!!! HE HAD MORE BALLS THANK ALL OF YOU COMBINED AND STILL HAD STILL HAD A SOME LEFTOVER.WHETHER HE IS GUILTY OR NOT SHOULD NOT TAKE AWAY THE GREAT WRESTLER HE WAS AND THAT AS SOME OF US KNOW A GOOD MAN.WE SHOULD NOT JUDGE HIM TO QUICKLY FROM SOME REPORTS OF THIS SUICIDE/MURDER...WE ALWAYS JUMP TO QUICK CONCLUSIONS EVEN IF HE DID I AM SURE SOMETHING WAS WRONG WITH HIM SOMEHOW SOME WHERE i AM JUST GLAD I GOT TO MEET HIM BEFORE HE LEFT US....HOPEFULLY HIM AND EDDIE ARE HAVING A GOOD ONE RIGHT NOW...YOU MAYNOT GET RESPECT FROM SOME OF THESE JOKER ASSHOLES BUT CHRIS FROM ME AND MINE YOU WILL ALWAYS GET THE UTMOST RESPECT..... R.I.P CHRIS BENOIT YOU WILL BE MISSED.

Then it got weird.

Black People Love Me!

Let's break down Charlie Sheen's apology to his ex-wife everyone but his ex-wife for a goof...

"I deeply apologize by my choice of words to all I have obviously offended..."

Translation: As I understand it, the word "c--t" is offensive to practically an entire gender and the word "n-----r" is incredibly offensive to an entire race. Sorry about that.

"...especially to Tony Todd, an African-American, who was my best man at my first two weddings."

Translation: See? I'm not racist! Would David Duke have a god damn spear chucker as his best man not once, but twice? I think not.

Sheen added, however, that "three and one-half years later, the reasons that caused the anger and frustration displayed on that voice mail continue to be manifested on a daily basis..."

Translation: THAT FUCKING C--T N-----R!!!

Click here to see Richards and other MILFs in bikinis.

Father's Day Anyone?

I have this weird thing going on where Father's Day makes me a little uncomfortable. I mean, the kids like it which is great but ultimately there's something about the idea of people forcing their gratitude upon me that I can't really get with. Then there's the sort of implication that being a parent is a burden rather than a privilege and a choice and something that I'm supposed to be reimbursed for with gifts and lots of champagne (not a grievance...just typical Vandelaysian overanalysis). Anyone else get that?

At any rate, I've decided that this would be the greatest Father's Day gift ever, despite the irony of my Father's Day gift being a man who once stuck a semi-automatic in his son's mouth for bringing home a bad report card. Does anybody deserve this forced gratitude more than me though? I love that fucking guy! How much fun would that be...and not just for me but for him! We could just drink Red Bull and wrestle for all I care! I own this man's frickin' doll!!!

Make it happen people. PayPal is your friend.

Some Tuesday One-Hitters

After the long weekend, I don't think I have the mental capacity to come up with an actual take on anything nor am I remotely inclined to leap into actual work so here's some random shit if you need it...

- I love Memorial Day weekend as I always equate it with the beginning of summer but at the same time it's always a little depressing because it means that summer is already starting to end (even though it technically is still 3.5 weeks away).

- It looks like a certain AofG contributor has himself a new hero.

- "I didn't know a damn thing about them whacking that poor girl's knee with a tire iron but to keep me quiet, my husband raped me, even though I didn't know a thing about it." Hmmm...

- If you look close enough, Jessica Biel sorta looks like Martina Navratilova. You'd still hit it though.

- Dentist to the Stars and AofG commenter extraordinaire, Dr. Tim Whatley, has a blog...breathtaking.

- Poignant or flat-out creepy?

- I'm all for breaking down racial gender barriers and whatnot, but there's a better chance of me hanging a Patriots flag outside of my house than being within a 3 mile radius of a movie theater this weekend. So while the wife has her little GNO Friday night, I'll be home with the kids doing something really masculine like watching HSM II for the 88th time.

Regarding Randy Pausch

I have no grievances with Randy Pausch. None at all. If he's in a position to inspire millions of people to live a better life and has the ambition to do so then the more power to him. My issues are more geared towards those millions of people that are being inspired.

Something occurred to me as I watching Pausch's now famous "Last Lecture" the other day. Are we as a society ever going to reach a point where this kind of stuff is just obvious? While Pausch is certainly an engaging and sincere person, there's nothing there original from a content perspective. It simply resonates when it comes from a guy who knows he's going to die.

The most incredible thing about him is not his spirit but his immune system. The fact that he's lived with pancreatic cancer for two years is amazing. I've seen that shit up close and to see a guy running around catching passes from Hines Ward is off the charts remarkable. Perhaps his spirit has helped him mentally deal with the massive amounts of chemo and radiation he's been exposed to but I don't think it can actually sustain life.

AofG UPDATE: "Six Pack in Six Months"

Click on Continued Reading below for Photo Update

All-time AofGer and my good buddy Aaron has decided that it's time to get his fat ass in some semblance of shape. He's cutting right to the chase and trying to get rid of his incredibly ample gut -- yup, that's it -- and he's looking to come through with a Six Pack in Six Months. Straight from the Porker's mouth:

I'm on a mission. You can probably guess what it is from the title of this email. My belly has gotten out of control. I've set a goal that I'm going to get a full out, washboard, six-pack of abs in the next six months, and contrary to all laws of decency and dignity, I'm doing it all in public, on the internet, in a blog, complete with ongoing photos and stats. Warning: the "beginning" pictures are not going to be pretty - brace yourself. But, I've got a plan in action, and I'm already 2 weeks in, so there's actually some material up for you to view.

Come check me out at Six Pack in Six Months - read the blog, add comments/motivation/joyful derision, and watch me along my journey! Forward my site to anyone who is trying to get in shape, who you think needs to get in shape, or who may have some advice for me. I promise to make it fun.

Head over there, poke your head around and then let us know whether you think Aaron can pull it off or if Klompus has a better chance of not being an asshole.

Me? Last time I had a six-pack was in about '93 and since then it's been all 40's and kegs. You?

And Aaron, I know you are reading, so be sure to know that we will be updating our readers on a monthly basis. Do not embarrass yourself.

AofG UPDATE: Let's check in with our man Aaron who is at the half-way point on his quest for a six pack in six months...

Not Everything Is Better Left Unsaid

Remember that Chicago travel journal that our man Chiles posted last week? Well at the end of the post, he made a comment that surely left us all hanging on the edge of our seats:

"I don't remember much other than my groin felt like someone was constantly poking it with red hot stick and endured one of the more embarassing losses in my athletic career. Let's just leave it at that."

Now I assumed he was overstating it and therefore simply chose to shroud us in mystery but nonetheless, out of curiosity I decided to do a little probing via-e-mail. I've come to the conclusion that it probably wasn't overstated.

Sorry Chiles, but I think we have a responsibility here at the Grieve to deliver that hard-hitting journalism that our readers come for. It'd be grossly unethical to let this slide. Anyway, is it at all possible that someone was in fact poking your groin with a red hot stick?

Money quote from JC:

"For gift exchange they gave us hockey puck shaped scented candles in fluorescent colors."

Awesome.

Look...We've All Been There

You just scored a fresh new bag of some kind bud but there are no papers in sight and you appear to have misplaced your favorite bowl. What are you gonna do?

A) Take a ride down to the local headshop
B) Rig something up with some aluminul foil and a Coke can
C) Find the closest cemetery, dig up a body, decapitate the head and make a good old fashioned bong out of that fucker

Oh my.

Money quote:

"He regurgitated in his plate of food when I asked him about it," Adkins said. "So I knew there was some truth to the story."

One time in college, I got high out of an apple. How cool is that?

A New Awesome Blog: Layontheice.blogspot.com

One of the funniest cats the Internets has ever seen has started his own blog. He occasionally blesses us with his very special brand of hilarity here at AofG under the tag SL22. I recommend you check him out, and I recommend that extremely highly. Trust me, SL22 is the type of dude who will brighten your day. Without further adieu, Layontheice.blogspot.com.

(If you are wondering about the title of SL22's blog, it was inspired by this NHL Comedy Gold.)

Oh My...

That baby you see there was unexpectedly born 10 weeks premature earlier today and weighs in at 3.22 pounds. Will she survive? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say yes in light of the fact that she was born in a bathroom on a moving train and fell through the toilet onto the train tracks where she lay for an hour and a half!!! WTF?

"We do not expect such children to survive," Jain said.

Really? You think? Does he mean that they don't expect 10 week premature babies to survive or they don't expect babies that fall through toilets on moving trains to survive? Finally...and this is the piece that really seems to be missing from the story...how did the fucking baby get in the toilet? Did the mother sit down to defecate and couldn't tell the difference between that and a person?

Seriously. This is just insane.