The Airing of Grievances

Steers, Queers, and Chuck Mother @#$%ing Norris

It would be hard for me to add too much more hilarity to the idea of Chuck Norris leading a revolt against a government that's been in office for like fifty days so just do yourself a favor and read this…

When I appeared on Glenn Beck's radio show, he told me that someone had asked him, "Do you really believe that there is going to be trouble in the future?" And he answered, "If this country starts to spiral out of control and Mexico melts down or whatever, if it really starts to spiral out of control, before America allows a country to become a totalitarian country (which it would have under I think the Republicans as well in this situation; they were taking us to the same place, just slower), Americans won't stand for it. There will be parts of the country that will rise up." Then Glenn asked me and his listening audience, "And where's that going to come from?" He answered his own question, "Texas, it's going to come from Texas. Do you agree with that Chuck?" I replied, "Oh yeah!" Definitely.

Now the notion of some kind of crazy coup d’état by a bunch of pissed of righties whose party has been brainwashed them into believing that the POTUS is some type of mixed-breed Muslim/Commie is certainly no laughing matter. It’s a bit scary as a matter of fact. However, the idea of the revolution being led by Chuck Norris is more than likely the funniest thing you’ll hear this week because:

a) Is there any doubt that the rocket scientists in Texas would rally around Chuck Norris in a heartbeat without even considering that he doesn’t actually have experience with such a thing other than maybe the time he went into Vietnam and freed all of those POWs?

b) Does Chuck Norris hear so many Chuck Norris jokes that he actually starts to believe them?

No need to go on and on here. This thing just writes itself.

Here We Go Again

I am not a Georgian. I'm not getting the living hell beat out of me by Russia and I don't like Waffle Houses. Unfortunately, some people have a different outlook...

Old guy who wants to be leader of the free world: Hey...we're all Georgians now!!!

Georgian President: Well that's all well and good but why don't you stop being such a pussy and help us out over here if you're "Georgians"? I got news for you...you guys enabled them! They interpreted your weak words as a green light to bomb us to bloody hell! In a round about way, this isn't even about us. They're at war with you! You're gonna lose this entire region!!! What are you gonna do about it Mr. P-O-W? World War III, bitches!

Oh...fuck me. Please keep this guy as far away from the White House as humanly possible.

Fun Fact: CNN news anchor John Roberts, the man interviewing Saakashvili there, used to be the Canadian Adam Curry.

Update: It occurred to me after I posted this that the actual Adam Curry is probably Canadian too so I looked it up and lo and behold...he's not! I know...I'm as shocked as you are.

Soooo...

A friend of mine calls me last night and offers the opportunity to hop on a Blackhawk next week and fly to some miltary training facility in Vermont, take place in some war simulations, and then shoot M16s and grenade lauchers all day. Sounds awesome, right? Well, my feelings towards this are indifference leaning towards not wanting to waste an entire day of my life flying on war aircraft and shooting machine guns. Where do you stand on this?

A) I have a right to my autonomy and you respect my decision not to give in to testosterone-fueled social norms

B) I should just end it right now and join a knitting circle

That's Not Important

If the Iraq War is one of the most pressing issues that people are concerned about, then is John McCain really running for Office or is he trying just trying to make a complete ass of himself as some kind of hellacious joke.  90% of this country has been sick and tired of this Bullshit war built on lies and manipulation and he, just like Bush, wants to embrace it more than ever.   What kind of logic is this?  Bringing the troops home is not a concern but reducing their death toll is the most important thing?  Do not the two go hand in hand?   I'm sure only Klompus can explain this one. 

Obama better start hammering this guy into the ground soon because the shit he's handing out is a campaign manager's dream.  No doubt the big money war companies that got their wish list fulfilled from Bush are going to be throwing a lot of that profit behind Old Nutsackhead.  I wonder how the troops feel McCain especially after he voted down the bill that would allow them to receive education benefits as part of their veterans benefits package.

The Beat Goes On

So with all of the crazy politics going on here in the states, it's easy to forget that people are still killing each other for no apparent reason over in the middle east. The U.S death toll hit 4,000 yesterday while the Iraqis have apparently lost track. The media sure does love those nice round numbers, don't they? No worries though...our fearless leader has weighed in:

"One day, people will look back at this moment in history and say, 'Thank God there were courageous people willing to serve, because they laid the foundations for peace for generations to come,' " he said. "I have vowed in the past and I will vow so long as I'm president to make sure that those lives were not lost in vain; that, in fact, there's an outcome that will merit the sacrifice that civilian and military alike have made."

While we're in this, I certainly hope he's right. If I can look back at this war someday and be able to comfortably say that it laid the foundation for peace for my children and their children, maybe I can look at this presidency a little more fondly. Right now, I can't envision me ever thinking that he's anything more than a fucking dope.

Throwing Puppies Off A Cliff...

Disclaimer...as the title indicates, this is a video of a couple of soldiers throwing a puppy off of a cliff. If that disturbs you in a way that might completely ruin your day...don't play it. I'd hate to be responsible for ruining your day.

US Soldier throws puppy off cliff - Watch more free videos

...not cool. Look, here's my thing with this. I understand that we can't really relate to any of the hopes and aspirations that a puppy may have but if you're twisted enough to find humor in this act and have no qualms about it whatsoever to the point that you'd videotape it to show people how cool you are...how the hell are you treating innocent civilians out there when there's no camera around? Is it safe to say "not favorably."

Am I being melodramatic in my thinking that these fuckers should be dishonorably discharged as quickly as that process takes or should I just shut the fuck up because they're out there risking their lives for my freedom?

Wait...what were they risking their lives for again?

Al Sharpton Should Protest This Oppression

Is this even remotely realistic? Have these people never seen Footloose?

And if you can't drink, cuss or dance on a table, then wouldn't everyone just buy alcohol at the store, forgo the bar and drink in their own houses where the fuzz can't touch them? Of course, they'd have to put up with Fat Larry, the local alcoholic, using their bathroom after last call, but at least they'd be able to call him an asshole after clogs the toilet.

Riveting

Anyone seen the HBO documentary about The Atomic Bomb? I guess it's to be expected with the subject matter, but damn, that is some truly powerful stuff. Was utterly disturbing how one of the U.S. bombers had absolutely no remorse, not a shred. As well as how one of (I guess) the physicists, is so damn out of touch, that he had a big goofy (but ultimately harmless) grin on his face while talking about the whole deal. But the tales of the survivors? Memories of that day? Recalling loved ones lost? Disfigured limbs? Scars for life? The life-long leper-type treatment? Man, if you make it through that thing without welling-up, your heart is as black as can be.

You know what was tangentially really sad too? That (from what they showed on HBO) it appears that a large majority of the Japanese college-aged populace, don't even know what happened on August 6, 1945. Can you imagine your grandkids not knowing about 9/11? Really, can you imagine that? (And no, I'm not suggesting that what happened on 9/11 is anywhere near as close to as bad, and you can argue war vs. no war all you damn please, but I'm still not buying that at all.)

Chicken of the Sea

From the files of "You just can't make this shit up:"   Running short on humans, robots, and Rumsfelds, our military is now turning to sea mammals.  Yes, apparently the ever-popular War on Terror is now enlisting the help of dolphins and sea lions.  No, really.  Dolphins were used in Whale's Vagina in '96, "when they patrolled the bay during the Republican National Convention."  Oh, and I bet you didn't know that "sea lions can carry in their mouths special cuffs attached to long ropes. If the animal finds a rogue swimmer, it can clamp the cuff around the person's leg. The individual can then be reeled in for questioning."  Uh huh.  Message sent to all you "rogue swimmers." 

Personally, I think the military's just fuckin' with PETA.  Who, by the way, offers up the money quote in the story.   Says Stephanie Boyles, a marine biologist/PETA windbag, "We believe the United States' citizens deserve the very best defense possible, and this just isn't it."  Right, that's what PETA is all about.

Anyway, I can think of much cooler animals to enlist in our military.  I say herds of wild boars.  Them's mean bastards.  And how would the jihadists like fighting crazy pigs?

Le Femme Blackita Takes One to the Nuts

Barbara Boxer questioning Condi on Bush's "Surge":

"Who pays the price? I'm not going to pay a personal price. My kids are too old, and my grandchild is too young. You're not going to pay a particular price, as I understand it, with an immediate family."

I gotta call Double Standard on this one. If you reverse party affiliations, this would without question be creating a helluva shitstorm. Piss poor form.

PS: The palpable disdain from some of the older white fellas questioning Condi made for some nice comedy. The one dude who kept coming with "As some of us in here recall" was killing me.