The Airing of Grievances

I Have A Confession To Make

I love awkward amateur produced videos that promote abstinence to young people. I love them more than Bristol Palin loves redneck douchebags. I don't even completely disagree with the message. Young people really are way too quick to jump in each other's pants and the entertainment industry simply can't exist without it. The Disney channel today is like MTV when I was a kid. MTV today is like the porn when I was a kid. I mean...I have daughters so I'm all about promoting an environment where we start thinking about the ramifications of this. Of course, I think it's important more for socio-economic reasons than "Jesus is gonna kick your heathen ass." Nonetheless, when a teddy bear becomes the voice of reason; well, everybody wins...

 

Is it me or is it just a bit presumptuous to think that just because a girl invites you to come in to her house it automatically means she wants to bang you?

The Confusing Nature of Whale Sex

Look, it's not really up to me to say whether or not whale sex starts off with gang rape...it just appears that way. I mean, this broad clearly wants nothing to do with these assholes and they're all like, "Fuck it...let's just rub our 8 foot long schlongs all over her until she gives it up." Oddly enough...that works! Take it away Attenborough...

 

SOPA doesn't apply to the BBC, right?

Move Over Ashcroft

This is just rich. Fucking Bieber down here is apparently tormented over the state of America as he sits in front of his parents $30,000 baby grand in their half-million dollar home singing about the fall from grace we've had to endure since the 1700s. Hey, here's a thought...instead of wondering where all of the great slave masters went, maybe go out in the driveway and shoot some hoop? Don't worry, the Mexicans mowing your lawn aren't gonna eat you there, champ.

Where the hell were these indignant white teenagers when Dubya was starting ill-advised wars?

Wait...This Really Happened?

How the fuck did I not know about this? The U.S. Attorney General wrote and recorded a song and then performed it live to an actual audience? WTF? This could possibly be better than Drinking out of Cups! Shame on every last one of you for holding out on me like this!

Could possibly be the greatest thing I've ever seen. Harrison's 100 yard pick-6 in the Super Bowl is under some serious fire.

I Think I'm In Love

This chick is awesome. I have no idea how she got into UCLA but she did, and she's not happy at all about these fucking Asians talking on their cell phones in the library. It's a good thing this didn't happen after that bitch of a tsunami struck or she could have actually tried to invoke that! But nobody hates Asians that mu...Wait...WHAT?

Don't judge me, a-holes. She's adorable.

Okay, I'll Do It!

I have nothing of significance to say today but for fuck's sake, somebody has to get Al Davis' disgusting head off of the top of the page already. So in lieu of my usual brilliant prose, I'm just going to post Drinking Out Of Cups. This is possibly my favorite thing on the internet since Lego Buffalo Bill. I've literally watched it at least 100 times and probably quote it a dozen times a week. As the story goes, some dude was tripping on acid in a closet and just talking himself through all of these hallucinations and his friends recorded it. Then someone put it to animation in the form of this trippy lizard. The awesome randomness ensues...

Admit it..you can't wait for someone to ask you "Whose chair is that" now.

Edit: According to resident buzz-kill, Flash Warner, via Assman's Facebook wall...the acid trip part is a myth. Douche.

Reasons # 40,328 & 40,329 that the 80s Ruled

I'm feeling a little nostalgic today so for a goof let's break out a couple of brilliant pieces of lost footage from the 80s that will blow your mind in a good way. First, check out this awesome montage of video match-making profiles. Sugar and spice and everything else, indeed...

That appears to be from the Minnesota/North Dakota area so let's stay in that geeral area and take a look at a police training video from Wisonsin that warns against the imminent dangers of knives...

Apologies in Advance

If you haven't seen this yet, it's probably the worst thing ever produced. The hypocrisy, the acting, the loathesome characters...truly just shit. Ya know what...don't even watch it. I'll post it anyway but I defy you to watch it!!! I will not under any circumstances be held accountable for exposing you to this shit!

I guarantee that my brother not only has no idea who the dude is but is terribly confused over why they keep saying that word.

Trust Me...This Is Hilarious

So apparently having run out of any good stereotypical bad guys like Nazis and Monsters and shit, Hollywood has decided to vilify those hateful atheists. Please take a few minutes to watch the absurd trailer below. It's basically the plot to the Grinch except the Grinch doesn't like religion. I don't really know where to begin...

- It takes place in a small town in Alaska of course
- It stars Ted McGinley as the mayor and the fat Baldwin (are they all just fat now?) as the evil atheist
- He's described as a person that hates God even though he doesn't believe in God so that's not even possible
- Christians started the United States of America
- I'm guessing here but since it's Hollywood I'm going to assume that the evil atheist abandons all his principles and reasoning and converts to Catholic because they're nicer
- Yup...straight to DVD

Ultimately, this shit is fucked up. Not only have I never known an atheist that had an issue with Christmas but for Christ's sake Christians...it's okay for people not to believe in the same shit that you do! Isn't there some sort of message in the Christmas spirit about not being so god damned self-righteous about everything?

Sigh.

You Got Philled In!

This is PHIL DAVISON and he was running (lost) for some treasury position in Ohio (of course). He comes from a village and he apparently has a bunch of college degrees. I don't really know anything else about him except that he's completely insane awesome. This campaign season really is the gift that keeps on giving.

SoJ to Schmoopie