The Airing of Grievances

AofG Flashback: Brandon Jennings Edition

The kid had 55 last night in his 7th game in the League.

Knicks couldn't use him in D'Antoni's system though. They got Chris Duhon.

Splooge City!

In case you haven't noticed, and judging by the attendance you haven't, the Detroit Lions won a football game! Sweet Moses of Motown! I'm pretty sure that I blew a $3 Honolulu Blue Hawaiian Wonder Cooler all over the place and blacked out (like the game was in Detroit) after seeing the clock hit 0:00 and the Lions having five more points than The Deadskins.

As a life long LieDowns fan and driver of the Bandwagon, I can honestly say that this team really looks...

Mediocre. Still. Mediocre is better than fucking pathetic, which should account for a few more wins this year. All I can say is goddamn it, I'm happier than a vat of Astroglide at a swingers party and for the next five days, I'll revel in it because it might be 2010 before I feel this way about my football team again.

Oh, and don't look now, but the Lions have the same record as the "official" AofG football squad. How 'bout them apples?

P.S.- Stafford can cool it with the Broadway Joe "walk off the field with the #1 in the air" bit. Good game, but you ain't the '68 J-E-T-S.

P.S.S.- It was good to see that the Ford family brought out their resident corpse, errr, owner (see: Ford, William Clay) to see this one. Seriously, that embalming fluid makes him look pale. Put him in a box already.

Christmas in September

That's right Grievers! Here's a hearty reminder that the official team of the AofG commences it's title defense tonight in the City of Champions. If you're home, here's your viewing schedule for the day:

10:00 AM AMERICA'S GAME
Re-live the story of the 1974 Steelers through the eyes of Joe Greene, Andy Russel and Franco Harris. Narrated by Ed Harris.

11:00 AM AMERICA'S GAME
Re-live the story of the 1975 Steelers through the eyes of Lynn Swann, Mike Wagner and Dwight White. The 1975 Steelers were voted as the 7th greatest Super Bowl-winning team of all-time by a panel of football experts. Narrated by Bruce Willis.

12:00 PM AMERICA'S GAME
Re-live the story of the 1978 Steelers through the eyes of Rocky Bleier, Randy Grossman, Mel Blount and Joe Greene. The 1978 Steelers were voted as the 3rd greatest Super Bowl-winning team of all-time by a panel of football experts. Narrated by Bruce Willis.

1:00 PM AMERICA'S GAME
Re-live the story of the 1979 Steelers through the eyes of John Stalworth, LC Greenwood and John Banaszak. Narrated by Ed Harris.

2:00 PM AMERICA'S GAME
Re-live the story of the 2005 Steelers through the eyes of Bill Cowher, Jerome Bettis and Joey Porter. Narrated by Tom Selleck.

3:00 PM AMERICA'S GAME
Re-live the story of the 2008 Steelers through the eyes of Mike Tomlin, Ben Roethlisberger and Troy Polamalu.

5:00 PM NFL TOTAL ACCESS: 2009 SEASON KICKOFF
NFL Total Access is the NFL's show of record, providing daily news, interviews and analysis from around the league. This special 2009 Season Kickoff edition previews the 2009 season opener between the Tennessee Titans and defending Super Bowl Champion Pittsburgh Steelers.

8:30 PM NBC: TITANS AT STEELERS
Oh yeah...it's on.

If you're not home, just watch this on a continuous loop all afternoon...

Insane Bolt

Ok, you might not all be track and field aficionados, but...you should probably recognize that Usain Bolt is being ridiculous right now. Like, he's doing things that were, as of a few years ago, only possible on that track and field game that I rented once for Sega Dreamcast. A 9.58? It seemed possible after the Olympics last year, but not for a few years after Bolt gradually lowered the record under 9.60. This is a huge jump in a record that studies had actually shown (seriously) may had been asymptotically close to approaching its peak. Well, Bolt just blew it out of the water, and I don't mean that he gave it a BJ on dry land. He just treated the record like Rihanna. Usain Bolt, ladies and gentlemen...the Chris Brown of the 100 meter dash.

This 1.2% decrease in the world record is astounding, so let me put that 1.2% into perspective for you.

- Imagine that instead of having a population of 8.3 million, NYC had a population of 8.4 million. OMG CRAZYTIME!

- Imagine the media reaction over the JonBenet Ramsey ordeal if instead of being 7 years old, she were only 6.916 years old! INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE!

- Mark McGwire's 70 homerun season bested Roger Maris' 61 homerun season by 9 homeruns. Wow. But imagine if Big Mac had beaten Maris by 9.109 homeruns! HOLY MOTHER OF GREG LOUGANIS!

- I once did 2 chicks in one day. Yeah, I know...straight player status, yo! But imagine if I had f-ed 2.024 girls that day. WOW! You'd all be asking me what my secrets were!

- An astronomical unit is defined as equivalent to the average distance between the Earth and the Sun, or 93 million miles. But imagine if it were 94.116 million miles. WE'D ALL FREEZE TO DEATH LIKE RULON GARDNER!!!!!

Hopefully these anecdotes help to show the novices amongst us the true impact of Bolt's record sprint. Putting his accomplishments in perspective like this will blow your mind!

Think Classy, You'll Be Classy

Unfortunately, this little lesson once preached by Crash Davis hasn't sunk into the assholes known as "Wrigley Field Bleacher Bums".

Let it be known that Dr. Whatley, (in the best third person reference ever), is a huge Cubs fan. I have been following these lovable losers since I was nine years old on WGN basic cable the year basic cable became basic cable. I know a thing or two about this club, it's loser-y history, management that could give a flying fuck about bringing in the best personnel, all that shit. Yet it was always Wrigley Field and the fans that I stuck up for when people came down on me for being a Cubbie-douche. "The World's Largest Beer Garden"..."A Piece of Living History"..."They'll win it this year for sure"...

You know the palaver.

But fucking A. The above move was the least classy move I have seen out of anyone in quite a while.

Let me see if I got this straight uber-douche-Cub-fan:

My and your team (The Cubs) is getting a new asshole torn courtesy of a man with an arm made from used model airplane parts (Pedro Martinez) to the tune of 12-1 in your house (Wrigley) on national TV (ESPN) and you pick that time to be a dick?

Look here fucker. My phone has been rigning off the hook since last night from people all over the goddamn place letting me have it because of your dickholian need to prove to your fellow frat boys and that fat chick in the front row that it is you that has the slightly larger penis by throwing a beer on a player trying to catch a fly ball. It is you that has now sullied the rest of us Cub fans desire to just let history be our own ass beating and brought upon us a wrath that we are all drunkards that wear Abercrombie with mop top hair and chick jeans, you dildo.

Our team is embarassing enough at this point, champ. They are playing with the heart of a scarecrow and a retardedly high payroll with an inept GM and a manager that, until the other day, might as well gone all Frank Robinson and nap every game this year. Now this.

Look. Maybe I'm creating a mountain out of a mole hill here, but I'm just tired of people looking at me like I am Lucifer's cousin out to fuck meth heads in their toothless mouths, all because I'm "related" to this clown distantly by being a Cub Superfan. Phew...

*starts an IV of Morphine*

On a funnier note, I love how Victorino is filing a report in order to prosecute this guy, and all the comments saying Wrigley fans are all classless. This from a guy that plays his games in "Cheesesteak Heart Attack Waiting Fuck Michael Irvin and His Paralyzed Ass and Take Santa with You" Philadelphia.

Hoo boy,,,that's rich.

What's this guys punishment, if any? I say it's a taxi ride to south Philly and dump him out by the airport.

Following a Golf Tournament Via Live-Blog

Easy enough I suppose but then you come across paragraphs like this one...

10:10. Tiger had 18 feet uphill for birdie, left to right. Didn't hit it hard enough. Tap-in par. Harrington shortsided himself but made a nice chip and should make par. He was disturbed, however, when Alvaro Quiros (we think) in the group behind rolled a second shot up onto the green before he putted. Caddie Steve Williams wasn't happy about it and went and stood on the front part of the green and glared back.

I wonder if there's any possible way to communicate that scenario without it coming off as completely ridiculous.

The Short Bus Team Preview of AofG

Because I am here to amuse you all, and because I have been drinking a ton of Blue Kool-Aid and vodka, Vandelay asked for it, you all will get it...

The official AofG Detroit Lions 2009 preview. And that preview states...

The Detroit Lions can only go up.

What else can I say? We're talking about a team/franchise that:

• Has not made the playoffs since 1999, have not won a playoff game since 1991 and that was their only playoff win since Dwight "I fuck Germans for fun" Eisenhower was POTUS.
• Has an owner, William Clay Ford Sr. that strangely resembles Bernie Lomax in his approach to running a franchise. That being, have people, namely Matt Millen and now Martin Mayhew, tie their shoes to his, put peanut butter in his mouth so that it looks like he's moving his lips, walk around and looky here! "Hands on ownership".
• Drafted THE BEST running back in the history of professional football and still the team was so inept, said running back retired in his prime, 2,000 yards away from blowing past Walter Payton, all because he didn't want to lose anymore. Who does that? A Lions player who knows what the Lions are all about does it.
• Once considered:
  • Erik Kramer
  • Scott Mitchell
  • Andre Ware
  • Rodney Peete
  • Jon Kitna...

                Franchise Quarterbacks. What. The. Fuck.

• Has more "pussy" jokes and innuendo made about them than in a Lady Gaga song.
• Need I mention a little thing called "0 and 16"?
• Has a history of...you know what? This is fucking pointless. Every other team in the National Football League, even the Oak-dump Raiders, have a better history than my Detroit Lions. Yet, I remain as loyal a fan as anyone this side of sanity. Why? Well, two reasons.

One, they have some pretty sweet uniforms. Don't lie, all. Silver, Black and Blue is the shit. It's too bad they've had fairies prancing around in them for a decade.

Two, I want to be on that bandwagon first. No, I want to drive that fucker. I want it to have my ass in that driver seat so that when the Detroit Lions DO win the whole damn thing, I can sit there, gas pedal floored, pick up assholes that jump on the wagon late (I'm looking at you Tiger fans), punch the horn that wails "Another One Bites The Dust", all while wearing my Billy Sims jersey, doing a beer bong, puffing on a crack pipe, while running over hookers on Woodward Avenue. And goddamn it, I'm getting old, so this shit better happen soon, because the older I get the more likely I'll be stopping all the time because my enlarged prostate makes me piss more frequently than a college co-ed passed out on Boone's Farm.

The Detroit Lions WILL win the whole damn thing! Just not this year.

Or next.

2011, baby! Mark it, Smokey.

For now, I trust this Jim Schwartz cat knows what the fuck he's getting into. Go Lie-downs!

4-12.

The Other Team Preview of AOFG

Good morning. In accordance with my contract's requirement that I post quarterly, I'm happy to offer you a follow-up to Vandelay's Pittsburgh Steeler team preview.

Given that I'm not a Steeler fan and that my favorite team doesn't have a 2009 SuperBowl trophy in its headquarters, you can expect this to be somewhat less smarmy, unbearably self-aggrandizing and optimistic. You can also expect this to end with a sentence other than "we look forward to the season," or "happy football everyone." I'm a Raider fan. My expectations of 2010 are slightly worse than Michael Jackson's.

Rather than regaling you with tales of our fantastical magic success, our long haired safeties that deserve blowjobs from all mortal men and our non-motorcycle-helmet-wearing quarterback with a history of questionable life decisions in his dossier who somehow avoided rape charges and media scrutiny this summer, I'll stick to the basics. Here's a list of reasons that 2010 isn't exactly going to work out for the silver and black.

The Official Team Preview of the AofG

I wrote this for the Sportsfrog's NFL team previews feature but seeing as they are the official team of The Grieve and I spent like an hour on it, I'm posting it here too. Plus, it might inspire Whatley to give us a Lions preview which is always fun.

I’m not sure if that poster is supposed to be boasting about the team or the fan base but if it’s the latter, it’s pretty funny that there’s like 15 seats in the middle that are completely vacant. Fucking wine and cheesers, man. For the purposes of this post, “we” shall refer to the Pittsburgh Steelers professional football team and I understand that I’m not on the team…I really do. I always get a big kick out of people that get all uptight about that…”Why, are you the third-string long-snapper or something?” SNAP!!! Homos.

With that in mind, that poster is at the very least extremely accurate. We really are better than you. No, it’s not because we’re tougher or we’re grittier or have reached some ambiguous level of collective talent that exceeds 31 other teams. There’s always been a bit of a misconception about championship teams that many people have a hard time grasping. You don’t win because you’re the best team…you’re the best team because you won. Yes, my friends…there’s absolutely a reason that they play these games and while the 2008 Pittsburgh Steelers were certainly full of talent, focus, and motivation, none of that mattered until Lamarr Woodley got around that edge one last time to strip the football (fuck you Assman...it was a fumble) from God’s Quarterback on a warm Florida night in early February.

Everybody Did Steroids (Except Derek Jeter)

News out today that both David Ortiz and Manny Ramirex tested positive in 2003.

Is anyone surprised?

And, more importantly, does anyone really hold it against them, or especially the lesser lights?

I mean, if you are on the fence, are you satisfied with buses and negligible money for the Kalamazoo Mudhens with a regular 9-5 right around the corner, or are you gonna do some cycles for The Show, Limos and Millions?

To me, it's an absolute no-brainer, and I think anyone who says otherwise is either way too principled or, more likely, a liar.