The Airing of Grievances

Great News for the Welsh

As you may or may not have heard, those world-renowned "boffins" of Wales have already cured every cancer, immunized their country of every other disease known to man, completely abolished the detrimental effects of global warming on their land, and just last week they managed to split a quark. Now they can finally turn their attention to the important matters... getting the drunks home safely.

After using computer simulations based on the Welsh to mimic the movements of people staggering home after a good night out, researchers came to the staggering realisation that drunk people trip over things.

The article goes on to explain that drunk people can piss off sober people and become targets of violence. It's a huge problem in Wales because according to the article, you go out on the street late at night, a quarter of the pedestrians are so drunk that they are staggering. Besides getting themselves beat up, this staggering can actually impede their progress. They're now figuring out ways to redesign the streets in an attempt to get the inebriated Welshmen to bed as quickly as possible.

I guess until our scientists discover that elusive cure for cancer, we'll just continue to throw our staggering drunks in jail.

Memo to the Po'

Our Things That Are Surprising To Exactly Nobody feature never quite took off but just like it's creator and George Carlin, I think it was ahead of it's time. I'm bringing it back, six months later.

A Nobel Prize-winning behavioral economist (no really) decided to research how rich people spend their time and compare it to how poor people spend their time. His findings were published in the journal, Science. As it turns out, people that make less than $20,000 annually spend more than a third of their time in passive leisure, such as watching TV or just relaxing. People that make over $100,000 spend less than a fifth of their time in passive leisure but spend more time partaking in activities that are "required."

The conclusion is even more obvious remarkable . Apparently poor people that aspire to be rich people spend too much time dreaming about watching flat screen TVs, bathing in Cristal, and having threesomes with Brazilan supermodels. What they should be doing is...wait for it...

...wait for it...

...working more.

You can not make this stuff up.

I Need A Little Help With This

With the insanely rising cost of gasoline and the indications that there is no end in sight, I've been hearing a lot of talk about reducing the national speed limit to 55 mph. It seems to be universally understood that driving slower conserves fuel and reduces the amount of nasty emissions we're spewing into the atmosphere. Theoretically, it's perfectly understandable but I've never quite been able to subscribe to this philosophy and I'm looking for a little feedback.

If I drive an hour at an average of 65 mph and you drive an hour at 55 mph, you are clearly preserving more fuel than me. That's as simple as you can get. However, most people don't get in cars just to drive around aimlessly. I'm guessing 99.999999% of car trips are made with a destination in mind. With that being said, let's now say that I'm driving at an average of 65 mph to a destination that's 65 miles away. You drive to the same destination at 55 mph. After an hour I have reached my destination but clearly wasted more fuel and did more damage to the environment. Meanwhile, you still have like another 10.5 minutes of fuel-wasting, environment-killing activity while my car isn't doing a damn thing, but I'm the boogey man???

Call me crazy, but I would think the fuel you burn at a higher speed would be directly proportionate to the amount of fuel your saving by not having your car running as long as the other slowpokes. What am I missing here?

Would You Like Another Cup, Dear?

Here's some news that could only have come from my alma mater. Other universities conduct studies on how to eliminate cancer in rats or how to isolate the genes that determine whether or not someone is lazy. My school?

They're working on a pill that makes chicks want to bone more.

Return of the Dragon

You know you've got some hot breath when you get suspended from work for it. And not just once. This is the third time.

So, what's the worst part of this story:

• that somewhere out there, someone can have breath so heinous that no mint on earth can contain it?
• that the guy's last name is "Seeman" and his union is "Local 32BJ"?
• or that he can get suspended from work twice and still not have the sense to keep his lips closed when people are walking by?

It's Like Rain on Your Wedding Day

Is there anyone that doesn't think that's the dumbest lyric ever written? Do you think she might want that one back or does she still argue to this day that it's ironic?

Regardless, I give you irony:

An Australian woman accused of murdering her father and sister was apparently denied psychiatric treatment because of her parents' Scientology beliefs, a court heard on Monday.

Somewhere, Matt Lauer is laughing.

Rump Presentaion Up in Scotland

Hold onto your hats, Grievers...

Researchers in Scotland are working on a female hormone pill that increases sex drive while decreasing appetite.  Apparently, this stems from manipulating the Type 2 Gonadotrophin-releasing hormone.  I don't know what that means, but it sounds like E=mc2 from my vantage point.

Female monkeys on the pill have been observed with increased "rump presentation and "tail wagging".  Other animals evidenced "tongue flicking" and "eyebrow raising".  All the while, they ate 1/3 less food than the animals on placebo.

Human women can hope to reap the pills benefits within a decade.  No word yet on whether on not this pill causes dizzyness, dry mouth, fatigue or nausea.

Is it too early to get these guys knighted?

(Danke, Krystal K)

Ohio: The Heart Of It All!

Here's what you can learn about the people in your past on a slow day at work:

1) That your college marketing professor is a leading Intelligent Design proponent using her position on the Ohio state school board to push for the teaching of religion in public schools.
2) That you always thought your old professor was a dipshit and now finally have a good reason for that suspicion.
3) That an old friend's father, an 8-term Congressman and former teacher, has been drafted to unseat said dipshit.
4) That the dipshit just received about as brutal a smackdown as the scientific community at one of the country's leading universities can offer.

More exciting news from the cultural battleground that is Akron, Ohio coming later tonight...

Note to MLB Scouts: Danny Alamonte Digs on MILFage

Check out Danny and his new bride, 30 YEAR OLD (!) Rosy Pedromo.

How did they meet, you ask?  She was a parent of one of his teammates on the shamed (and disbanded) Rolando Paulino All-Stars.  A parent!...of his "little league" teammate!  And he was putting the moves on her while he was pulling his Steve Nebraska routine in WIlliamsport, PA.  Just how old is this kid anyway?

Anyway, if you are a Major League GM, you may want to keep this guy out of your clubhouse.   I mean, only a fictional team could survive Ricky Vaughn sleeping with Roger Dorn's wife, but could you imagine the pain Alamonte would be in if he was caught turning the screws on Mrs. Pujols, Mrs. Sheffield, or even worse, Mrs. Bonds?   Boggles the mind.

What if our entire universe is just an atom in the fingernail of a giant person...

Your brain hurting yet, too?

Hell, maybe Kirk Cameron is right afterall.