Swallowed up by the news of a royal wedding and the death of a mad man this weekend was the beatification of his holy highness, Pope John Paul II in front of 1.5 million of his closest fans. I don’t even understand the intricacies of this process by whereby people are made into saints. Canonization…beatification…sainthood…Greek. I do know that it’s a very long drawn out process and an expensive one at that only done for the sake of being able to say “This person was better than you.” Just another example among many that point to this shit being completely void of anything resembling humility. PJP-II himself beatified 1,338 dead people in his 27 years with that authority. Along with that authority of course comes the authority to certify a miracle and proof that you performed a miracle after you died is required for beatification.
So under this guy’s watch, we saw what may have been the biggest RCC scandal in centuries as thousands upon thousands of children were molested and raped in a sick fashion by people who were provided authority over them supposedly from God. This we know. It’s not up for debate. Throw in the condemnation of contraceptives and the spread of AIDS and poverty, the oppression of women and homosexuals, and the complete disdain for anyone who didn’t accept Christ as their savior…for anyone who may have been born into something different or simply wanted to be accountable for their own sins…and it’s clear that you have to question the sainthood of this man, immediately. If you believe in such things as he did, you should even argue that his fate should lie well in the other direction.
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As you may have heard, at the end of last week about 5,000 birds just fucking died in mid-flight and ended up strewn all over Arkansas. Then shortly after, a bunch of fish were found dead along the banks of the Arkansas river. Then today, 500 more birds plummeted to their death in Baton Rouge. Of course this all begs one very obvious question...what the fuck is going on with these birds and these fish? Science? Any help?
"We just think it's a rather strange coincidence," she said.
That's what she said. I've heard that fireworks shot them down and I've heard they just flew into each other in some sort of weird suicide attempt. Nobody really has any theories about the fish. Considering that this is happening in the bible belt and the calendar year just turned though...I'm gonna go ahead and assume the South is freaking out about a little rapture. Which is awesome. And scary. But awesome.
So really...tell me smart people...what gives here?
I'm pretty blown away by the fact that this Michigan school was created to teach a series of classes to morons who can't figure out how to grow something from a seed, like I learned how to do in the 1st fucking grade, or how to figure it out using the internet for Christ's sake. Good Lord people, put down the blunt for a second, quit discussing the fact that dollar bills are green because George Washington had a thing for nailing Martha while smoking a big fat bowl, and turn on a computer. And teaching how to operate within the constraints of the Law when growing this stuff? Right. I can only see this having a problem or two.
Plus, nowhere in this curriculum does it discuss proper snack food purchasing, like where to get the Cheetos, man. What the fuck?
I wonder if Michigan's "No Worker Left Behind" Tuition Assistance Program will cover the tuition on this place. If it does, it'll have a Division I athletic program in about three years. Watch. Their swimming program will be National Champs too.
As you may or may not have heard, those world-renowned "boffins" of Wales have already cured every cancer, immunized their country of every other disease known to man, completely abolished the detrimental effects of global warming on their land, and just last week they managed to split a quark. Now they can finally turn their attention to the important matters... getting the drunks home safely.
After using computer simulations based on the Welsh to mimic the movements of people staggering home after a good night out, researchers came to the staggering realisation that drunk people trip over things.
The article goes on to explain that drunk people can piss off sober people and become targets of violence. It's a huge problem in Wales because according to the article, you go out on the street late at night, a quarter of the pedestrians are so drunk that they are staggering. Besides getting themselves beat up, this staggering can actually impede their progress. They're now figuring out ways to redesign the streets in an attempt to get the inebriated Welshmen to bed as quickly as possible.
I guess until our scientists discover that elusive cure for cancer, we'll just continue to throw our staggering drunks in jail.
Our Things That Are Surprising To Exactly Nobody feature never quite took off but just like it's creator and George Carlin, I think it was ahead of it's time. I'm bringing it back, six months later.
A Nobel Prize-winning behavioral economist (no really) decided to research how rich people spend their time and compare it to how poor people spend their time. His findings were published in the journal, Science. As it turns out, people that make less than $20,000 annually spend more than a third of their time in passive leisure, such as watching TV or just relaxing. People that make over $100,000 spend less than a fifth of their time in passive leisure but spend more time partaking in activities that are "required."
The conclusion is even more obvious remarkable . Apparently poor people that aspire to be rich people spend too much time dreaming about watching flat screen TVs, bathing in Cristal, and having threesomes with Brazilan supermodels. What they should be doing is...wait for it...
...wait for it...
...working more.
You can not make this stuff up.
Here's some news that could only have come from my alma mater. Other universities conduct studies on how to eliminate cancer in rats or how to isolate the genes that determine whether or not someone is lazy. My school?
They're working on a pill that makes chicks want to bone more.
