The Airing of Grievances

Sometimes There's Just Not Enough Orgs

I don't really know what to make of this recently leaked Scientology recruitment video because I don't really have a clue what these freaks are talking about. Yeah, I know that theoretically Scientology doesn't make much less sense than most other religions but they intrigue me a little more. For instance, even though I think they're creepy, not only do they all look familiar but I'd actually like to hang out with them. I'm sure I don't have the attention span to get brainwashed into their little cult anyway but I think what's going on here is that they're trying to get people to find abandoned buildings and renovate them into orgs (churches?) whereupon the public will go in and be converted instantaneously and before you know the entire planet is clear. It seems awfully ambitious but you can't blame them for trying. Anyway, take a look for yourself and for extra credit can you recognize the voice of the lady with the long blonde hair and the blue dress that talks about "islands of sanity"?

For the People Chanting and Shaving Goats Today...

...allow me to let you in on a little secret:

The date 09/09/09 doesn't mean jack shit. No...it doesn't.

 

So please. All you turds out there preaching doom and gloom, or hell bent on letting me know that today's date matches (who cares), or even sending me Facebook updates and all that bullshit can stop now because you're pissing me off.

Look. This "date" would have had zero significance as of 1581, but that was the last year we had a calendar other than the Gregorian calendar creating the current dates and all that shit. So there will be no planets aligning, there will be no apocalypse, there will be no jump start to the economy. There will be nothing but general horse fucking, goat shaving, fruitcakes preaching on about how the number nines in order means that God himself is coming down from Heaven and spit lubing his cock to jam it in our asses.

So to you all that keep reminding me, a hearty fuck you.

Have a nice day.

P.S.- I don't want to play Mafia Wars either, so eat a dick.

AofG Relationship Advice

With the ever growing number of atheists in the world, it’s fair to presume that the dilemma over what to do when an atheist and a Christian (or any other faiths) cross paths will also become more prevalent in society. You see, when atheists aren’t “serving the devil” they tend to go about living otherwise normal lives. Sometimes they’ll even partake in a common ritual known as “mating.” Quite often, two people may find themselves extremely attracted to each other, get to talking, perhaps even dabble in some more intimate relations and then BAM…the truth comes out. You’re dating an atheist. What to do…what to do?

Well I think there’s a school of thought that says if two people really want to be together, any contradictory beliefs in regards to religion and politics can be overcome simply by detaching them as far away from the relationship as possible. If that’s not feasible, this type of conflict can actually be productive in helping each other grow as individuals. Perhaps the atheist can look at their mate and admire the fact that this person can put so much faith in something that they can’t possibly know anything about and learn to be less cynical and more open to acknowledging the possible existence of a divine being. Then maybe the Christian can look at the atheist and admire the fact that this person has chosen to lead a good, moral life not because of the reward of eternal salvation or the fear of eternal damnation but because gosh darn it…it’s the right way to be.

Admittedly, I’m no expert on spirituality or relationship advice; I’m just casually throwing all that stuff out there. For the only true answer, I think we know where we need to turn. Take it away, Pat…

Okay, so there's that too.

The Pope Has Lost His Mind

On Friday I was alerted to the fact that the Pope has found a surefire solution to the AIDS crisis in Africa. Hallelujah, right? Score one for organized religion! Giving back to the world. I like it. Religion is doing it's part to fit in with society and offer some benefits. The Pope even offered his complete plan for AIDS-prevention.

Placing a Bible above your erect penis before intercourse.

No. Seriously. Take your pants off, grab a Bible, and hold it there. It will scare the AIDS away.

The Pope seriously just went to Africa and TOLD THEM TO PUT FUCKING BIBLES OVER THEIR PENISES BEFORE THEY FUCK EACH OTHER. Has he lost his damn mind? Has Catholicism actually come to this? Holy mother of God. Jesus Christ himself is probably flipping out and going into full PR-control mode. The Church's anti-condom crusade has reached a new apex of abject stupidity. This man should be arrested. And at the same time, I can't stop rofl-ing about it.

But....I mean, come on. There are people in the world who really believe what the Pope has to say on these subjects. What if some of these people do, too? Two out of every one adults in Africa has some form of the HIV, and now they might run around putting Bibles over their cocks in lieu of condoms. This is great. Go, The Church. But mainly, I just want this to catch on.

Because I want to try it.

Next chick that succumbs to my irresistible charm is getting Bible-dicked. Oh yeah. She's going to be like, "do you have a condom?", and I'm gonna be like, "condoms don't work...but I have the only thing that does...I have to protect myself from your AIDS", and then I'm going to grab a Bible. I'm going to place the Bible over my erect penis and I'm going to allow the AIDS-prevention formula to run it's course. Then I'm going to put the Bible down and see if she still wants to go. I have a feeling I already know the answer.

The article covers this much better than I can. Do yourselves a favor and read it. Wow.

EDIT: I think it's a hoax. Gay. I know they made up the last part, of course, but I thought that he had actually said the Bible over penis part. Apparently he just said that condoms won't stop AIDS.

Roll Muslim Tide!!!

Polls are indicating the likelihood of a Muslim Presidency. This is going to be the end of America as we know it...instead of bringing the fight to the terrorists (or at least to countries that are near the countries that the terrorists supposedly live in), we are going to invite the terrorists over for games of dodgeball on American soil. And American dodgeball courts. However, terrorists don't use regular dodgeballs. They use bombs. Disguised as dodgeballs. That explode.

It Seems God Has Once Again Decided to Punish Us For Horsefuckery

Ok, I changed my mind. NSFW language and Not-Safe-For-Anything thought processes after the click.

Oh, By the Way, Texas is Going to be Destroyed

If I was feeling more creative I would have left this guest post up to Pat Robertson and the idiotic, homophobic ghost of Jerry Falwell. But I'm not.

Mainly, this is under "religion" because I can't figure out exactly why God is sending this storm directly at Galveston (and, by extension, Houston), because...really, where is the sin in Texas? Wouldn't the state be on Jesus' short list if he were looking to purchase a home?

Ike spared us down here in the Godless tip of Florida, which is good for me because I'd still be swimming right now if it hadn't. However, it does not look like it's going to spare the Texas coast as it looks to strike the area at 3 to borderline 4 strength. Of greater concern is the potential storm surge of 20+ feet, which could top Galveston's seawall (built in the aftermath of the most deadly hurricane in U.S. history, the 1900 Galveston 'Cane), which at points dips below 17 feet. Mandatory evacuations have begun, rains are to be arriving soon, and devastation should come in right behind it. Scary stuff.

The Whitest Three Minutes...Ever?

So I guess this will be my last post here at The Grieve. I'm sure there's already a group e-mail going around to decide if they should just ban me as a contributor or strip my IP for good and not even let me comment anymore. Either way...it's been real. I'll miss you guys. It probably won't be enough, but I'll just offer this one morsel of a defense and be on my way.

By the way, if anyone has the fortitude to make it to 1:55...mad pay-off right there.

God Leaves Da Bronx a Little Early

Not sure who caught the Home Run Derby in the House that Ruth Built last night but if you haven't heard, Josh Hamilton's first round performance was a little ridiculous. Hamilton is a former heroin addict and the ESPN crew for some reason could not stop talking about how admirable this is and what a great role model he is for the younger generation. He's also a devout Catholic who credits the omnipotent one for helping him overcome his heroin addiction. This little fun fact led Rick Reilly to cast upon us this observation...

"It's a lousy night to be an atheist."

OMG!!! BURN!!! LOL!!! When he said this, I couldn't help but think of some atheist lying in his bed with a martini, watching the home run derby while having cocaine snorted off his balls by two Brazilian supermodels. I bet that guy wasn't having a lousy night. I also thought about all of the Catholics whose spouses left them last night, or the Catholics that were killed in brutal car accidents last night, or the Catholics who sat by their cancer-ridden child's bed trying to endure the most painful thing a human can endure. I can't imagine that those people drew any solace from the fact that a former junkie hit 28 home runs in an exhibition.

I realize that this may not be the most impenetrable logic stream but ultimately, here is this issue...what if Reilly had said it's a lousy night to be a Jew? A Buddhist? A Muslim? It's a lousy night to worship the Fire God of Fiji? The Flying Spaghetti Monster? Why the fuck is it okay to kick atheists when their down (or as down as a Catholic hitting a bunch of home runs can get an atheist)? Yes, I'm going out on a limb and I'm going to say that it would be a big deal if he noted that it was a bad night to be of any religious denomination that doesn't recognize the lord, Jesus Christ as their personal savior.

For the record, JC apparently realized about half way through that the rest of the world's problems had not been solved and left Hamilton to hit 25 less home runs in his final round to finish in an anti-climatic second place. Hamilton's first comment after the performance..."I want to thank my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ."

Follow that script.

This is Awesome

I know nothing of religion, nor can I intelligbly opine on any of the religious stuff anyone is saying here, but that does not stop me from confidently presenting this to you as A True Internet Gem.

(Thanks Vegas)