The Airing of Grievances

Moral Majority My Ass

Last week, after the epic ruling to cut funding for NPR by the House, Anthony Weiner got up and gave a really sarcastic speech about how he's glad that the economy is fixed and so many jobs have been created so that we can move on to more important things like going after the enemy that is NPR. Weiner is entertaining but I kind of thought it was a dick move. At the very least, the House was looking for a way to cut unnecessary funding so tax money could go somewhere more appropriate or dare I say...into paying off the deficit?

So I probably have a little bit of a reputation for obsessing over religion and for anyone who thinks that...I probably have to just give it to you. I really do do that. Now I'd like to tell you why. First watch this video of Louie Gohmert the very next day making a motion to reaffirm "In God We Trust."

What The Hell Is A-Goin' On?

Back in April of 1986, when I was barely 11 years old, I was watching a riveting moustache-arrific episode of Jeopardy with my parents when Tom Brokaw broke into the telecast to tell us all that the United States had sent over an aerial attack on Libya. Now, at 11, I didn't know shit about Libya or anything for that matter, but I was jarred from such a thing. This was, after all, the first time in my life where the military of my country had acted in aggression toward another nation, and I admit, I freaked the fuck out.

A day later, I wrote a letter to then President Ronald Reagan, something to the effect of,

"Dear President Reagan. I'm freaking the fuck out, Mr. President. I'm 11. I don't like the idea of my potentially going to war. I know some history, and I know the last real conflict we had didn't end so hotsy-totsy, so, what the fuck are you thinking?"

(I am ignoring that little Grenada thingy in '83, because shit, that was like Michigan v. Appalacian State in football. Wait. Bad example. Let's go with Florida v. their first opponent every year instead.)

Anyway, I eventually did receive a letter in reply, rubber stamped of course, from the Office of the POTUS stating something along the lines of, "Thanks for the letter kid. You don't know shit. Here's a sticker." No lie. My dad has it saved somewhere in the archives of "Look at what my retarded kid wrote."

In retrospect, all the U.S. did back in '86 was send over two Cessna's and a hot air balloon, dropped a few bags of flaming dog poo on Tripoli and called it a day. But, again, what did I know.

Flash forward 25 years and here we are again. Libya. Ghadaffi. Bombs. Missiles. People yelling in gibberish. And still, for the life of me, I still don't know what the fuck is going on. And I will profess my ignorance of most things political and ask you, the writers of this AofG masterpiece and loyal readers, can somebody explain to me why we are doing it all over again?

Sure, I know that the fine folks of Libya are fed up with a douchebag dictator who looks like a bad perm victim from the 70's. I know they are fighting for their independence and release from this guy. So I ask, why are we fucking involved over there? Can't we as a nation just let shit happen according to their will? Because it seems to me that we did the same fucking thing say, oh, 230-ish years ago and nobody batted an eyelash over such a thing.

Help me. Dumb ass and all. Please.

Also, a few notes:

1. France is involved. France? Really? For the first time that I can recall, this is the first military action France has thrown their wine and croissant engorging ass into that didn't involve raising white flags, berets and hairy armpitted broads in the air saying "We Surrender!" What gives France? This is the equivalent of a number two seed being all bad ass against a 15 seed, acting like they should've been there all along. Jesus. You get against a high seed, France, and you buckle faster than a BYU co-eds chastity belt.

2. According to reports, as of 10:37pm EDT 3/19/11, the U.S. and U.K. launched somewhere in the vacinity of 112 cruise missiles and hit just 20 targets. That's a whopping 17.8% hit rate. Who the fuck did we become with that accuracy? LeBron James in the 4th quarter of any game with meaning? That's bullshit. Poland launched a donkey laced with an enema from a catapult on Libya and got a better result.

Anyway, like I said, enlighten me. Because after two wars in countries over what has been deemed God knows what, the last thing we as a country need is to get involved in some horse shit involving a camel humping dictator and people fighting for something worthwhile. Can't we, for once, sit back and say "fuck it?"

Or am I wrong?

Over The Top!

You might think from the title of this Pulitzer worthy prose that it is about a classic all-time awesome movie starring our favorite juiced up mumbler Sly Stallone. Nope. I mean, sure John Rambo sounds like he just ate a jar of peanut butter, and while this is peanut related, it has nothing to do with Balboa.

And so you know, I don't know shit about Florida. I think it's Georgia with Hispanic flavor. Which explains this news story out of Ga South.

We all know we're raising a generation of pussies. Fact. If this doesn't prove it just one more time, I don't know what will. But, to go so far as rinse the mouths out of all the kids who ate peanuts and happen to be in the vicinity of a kid with a peanut allergy, well, that's OTT. Clorox wipes over the desks all the time? Hand sanitizers? Sweet Jesus. Pussies, I tell you.

I get the argument that measures need to be taken to prevent an all out anaphylactic reaction (see: death w/out epi) in a kid who when exposed to a certain allergen, but what I'm wondering if these Floritards know is that these items are fucking EVERYWHERE! I get that as parents we need to do what we can to ensure that our children, when they walk out the front door at any point, stay alive. It's something I could never do when I had a goldfish, a cat, a dog, a ferrett, even a pet rock, but miraculously the three kids I managed to donate to a uterus via one winning vs. three million losing sperm are still breathing. Hell even one of them is almost a teenager! I think I know what I'm doing therefore. And my youngest has a peanut allergy herself, but I would never dream of demanding the shit these parents demand. I'll make sure my kid has her Epi-Pen, her inhaler, etc. and teach her that if she starts to feel like the Cracker Jack man is strangling you with piano wire, take it. But that involves personal accountability and realizing that a persons crotch fruit isn't any more special than anyone elses, something parents rarely grasp anymore.

(Molson Cup Second Star to the mom who was so pissed off she said her child was being denied the right to eat Peanut Butter and Jelly. You know, as stated in the U.S. Bill of Rights, IX to be exact.)

I Think I'm In Love

This chick is awesome. I have no idea how she got into UCLA but she did, and she's not happy at all about these fucking Asians talking on their cell phones in the library. It's a good thing this didn't happen after that bitch of a tsunami struck or she could have actually tried to invoke that! But nobody hates Asians that mu...Wait...WHAT?

Don't judge me, a-holes. She's adorable.

Japan

My wife told me this morning after watching The Today Show that she thinks Japan is just going to cease to exist. I'm not sure if there were actual scientists on there explaining how Japan is going to cease to exist or she just got sucked into Lauer's fear-mongering but the point remains...Japan is fucked. This is going to make Hiroshima look like whatever it is that makes getting an A-Bomb dropped on you insignificant.

In case you've been living under a rock for the past three days...a massive earthquake followed by a massive tsunami has completely detroyed Japan's coastline, killing thousands of people, and leaving in it's wake a path of destruction, terror, and mayhem the likes of which people only write about. If that's not bad enough, nuclear power plants are exploding all over the place* and depending on who you ask, there's a real possibility of a complete nuclear meltdown. So yeah...that would be horrific. Hey...at least the volcanoes still work?

It seems like the past 5 or 6 years have brought us an unusual amount of natural disasters (not to mention the man-made disasters) but what we have here in Japan could eclipse all of them combined. I don't really have a point here but your empathy for that place would be well beyond warranted.

*Bonus crazy rapture discussion in comment section under video

Because There Aren't Enough Douchebags in the World...

Germany has chosen to step up and and create the first douchebag robot since C3-PO (fuck that silly android). It comes complete with hipster hair and a goatee and has some sort of weird fascination with blinking. Not creepy at all, Germany...not creepy at all.

If Germany can do this, I don't see any reason why we can't make a robot that looks like Yasmine Bleeth, circa 1995. Get on that shit, Scientists. Vandelay has a birthday coming up next month.

Having It Both Ways

In Texas, they just passed a bill that says a woman who wants an abortion needs to first have a sonogram, look at the pictures and wait 24 guilt-ridden hours before they're able to authorize the procedure. No word yet on whether or not the ultrasound tech has to make "coochie coo" noises while doing it, but I do suspect they'll at least add condescending language to the paperwork that describes the procedure as the "baby stabbing."

Preventable?

By now the entire country knows about what happened here a few days ago. I write about it for two reasons. One, because there is a discussion that can occur in light of tragedy. And two, because this event happened a few miles from me and was responded to by co-workers of mine. Needless to say, everyone is a tad shook up.

This is one of those stories that happens every so often in the Sports world. A kid, seemingly in the best shape of their life, playing a sport they love, all of a sudden drops dead from a heart attack, leaving a school or community in complete shock, wondering where they go from there. It is called Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy, which, simply put (because do a lot of you really care if I go all techno-babble on you about this? No.) a thickening of the heart muscle that impedes blood flow out of the heart. Some of the more famous incidents include Hank Gathers, Chicago Bears Defensive End Gaines Adams and Oakland A's pitcher Joe Kennedy.

Now, in the face of this tragedy, the community is grappling with what to do. They secure a perfect season, given to them by this star athlete who hits a last second shot, then dies on the court minutes afterward. Do they play another game? How do they honor this kid? So on and so forth.

So is this what people locally are saying about this tragedy?

Not really. They're bitching at the school, parents, medical community, etc. "This should've been prevented" was one comment. "How many times will this happen before something is done?" was another. "Someone should sue the school district" was another. Really? A lawsuit? C'mon.

Look. I hate when this shit happens. It's always a blame game. I get that a 17 year old star athlete shouldn't die at all, let alone this way. So, what do you do? Cardiac Caths, MRI's and EKG's should be part of physicals for athletes of all ages? But then the bitching will start about cost, inconvenience, blah blah blah. So yeah, it is preventable, sure. But I'm pretty sure the kid would play anyway, regardless of those results. Why? Because it made him happy.

Does it suck? Sure. Is it preventable? Maybe, maybe not. Should we get all up in arms over something that is purely genetic and, shit, it just happens? No. People should think about that, mourn, and move on. He's happy he went out doing the very thing he loved...playing ball, celebrating a victory, living life.

We should all be so lucky.

Go Fennville.

Good to See Georgia Still Tops The Retard Chart

Look. I think Girl Scouts and their fucking cookies might be the closest thing we have to Beezlebub on Earth. They remind me of that rabbit in "Monty Python and The Holy Grail". Just sitting there, all cute and cuddly like, politely bugging the fuck out of me about their goddamn cookies and sonofabitch if I can't pass those Samoas up out of fear that their flabby armed mothers will chuck their iPhones at me while driving their Tahoes after posting on facebook how "Little Johnny just shit all over the dehumidifier...he's so cute!" I mean, I make it a point to hike several miles out of my way to avoid one of their stands. I'll pay top dollar on a Delta flight AND pay extra to check a bag if necessary just to avoid them. Unfortunately, Delta's hub is in Atlanta, which is in Georgia which leads me to...

Of course, leave it to Georgtards putting this story on the TV map. Of course, my fear and loathing of all things Georgia far outweigh my hatred for mombies who see no problem with their fat fuck girls eating more of their product than they actually sell while justifying it by paying top dollar to cover their asses. Worse yet, it's a Georgia cop that did all of this. And having never seen a Georgia cop in person, I assume he looks like this guy.

 

Anyway, way to go Georgia. Proving once again the North was completely wrong for giving a shit about you back in the 1860's. And fuck you too, General Sherman. You should've burned it down completely.

Uh-Oh!

I'm not sayin'...I'm just sayin'.

Wait...I wasn't the first one that thought of that?