I mean I'm as gangster as most, but come on. I can't compete with that. I need some tats!
What the f was Lil' Wayne thinking? That's just...I have no words for it. Gonna look great when he's 50. And what do the groupies think when he's hitting it? Is it like fucking a Microsoft Word document?
I gotta get some ink. Maybe a horse galloping across my back with a dude carrying a banner with some statement about life, like "IN SOVIET RUSSIA, BOX OF CHOCOLATES IS LIKE LIFE!".
Continuing my tradition of seeing gay acts in venues of sports teams that I absolutely despise, and then blogging about it, this year I give you Billy Joel/Elton John at Gillette. Is it ironic that this is the least gay concert I've been to in 3 years and Elton John was prominently involved?
This year I don't have any semi-homo-erotic anecdotes, or tales of woe, or even very good pictures. As you can see above, I didn't have the greatest seat in the stadium. I went with my father-in-law who has never done anything embarrassing in his life...got a little drunk and watched a great show. So I'm just gonna hook you up with some quick bootlegs that I recorded from my iPhone because the concert was actually that fucking awesome. I know I once wrote a post on here about how I'd never get an iPhone because I really didn't want to be that douchebag that's always whipping out his iPhone but unfortunately I have totally become that douchebag that's always whipping out his fucking iPhone. Yes, I hate myself but you WILL NEVER TAKE IT FROM ME!!!!
Plus, I really wanted to use the audio file function on TypePad just one time. So here you go...
That last one may not be the safest thing for work you've ever heard in your life. They got a little carried away at the end.
Weird rap lyrics seem to be the only thing I've been posting recently. I might just have to start another blog dedicated solely to that matter...despite the fact that I don't really like single-subject sites.
Regardless, the latest culprit is horrible (I mean really fucking horrible) rapper Lil' Boosie, who "blesses" a Young Jeezy track in the same way that a priest blesses an eleven year old boy. From Young Jeezy's "Everything":
you can't see me when with a magnifying glass
two hundread on the dash
trys some gangs i bust your ass nigga
whole clique iphones
nigga get
your shine on
Wait...what? Has it come to that, rappers? Seriously? Bragging that your entire clique has an iPhone? You have to be joking. Ok, Lambos, bling and cribs I can understand. Guns...ok. Fine. Guns are ok, too. But fucking iPhones? Who doesn't have an iPhone that wants one? Even homeless people are downloading Avril Lavigne songs from iTunes these days. You can probably get one for under $100 on eBay. And that's something you're bragging about? You've fallen off, rap. Really. I'm embarrassed.
But, I'm here to help. Some more things you can brag about that might be a tad more impressive than iPhones:
"Yo, me and my dogs all got wireless internet"
"Mothafucka, I saved like two hundred switchin' to Geico"
"You should see my whip, I've got nitrogen in the tires as opposed to regular air"
"Yo, my whole clique in the IN Network and get unlimited texts"
"Fuck Porsches, my crib's got two porches...and I got a farm in the back that's got two horses"
"My pencil eraser clicks, that's a mechanical pencil"
"Son, I do my taxes on a TI-83 calc...that shit graphs, yo"
"My rims shiny, I cleaned them myself with Armor All wheel cleaner"
"I get on the plane first, I fly business select...it comes with a free drink voucher, i get a Bud Select"
"My grass is tight, I cut that shit with a Lawn Boy"
"Fuck five-dollar footlongs, I'm getting the steak sub"
"XBox Live Silver? Nah, I got XBox Live GOLD"
If you rappers need anything else, feel free to get at me, dogs.
I know...I seem to have a bit of a semi for targeting rappers in my grievances. To which I respond, hey, at least I'm making a post that is an actual "grievance" as opposed to a picture-play involving Vandelay singing Manilow tunes to his cat. So rappers are easy targets...whatever. I'm not a very deep or profound individual. I'll take the low-hanging fruit. At least it's healthy.
On my way into work today, I was listening to some Cam'Ron just in case I needed to get fired up for a drive-by while I was going down 95. You never know, right? So I'm listening to "Leave Me Alone Pt. II" from his platinum CD, "Guns, Drugs, and Penetration" or whatever the hell it was called. Well, it's getting gangster, you know, typical Cam'Ron "Yo, I got guns and stuff, sons and stuff, you dumb or what, my winter hat come with muffs" type meaningless rapid-rhymey lyrics. And then I hear this:
You GS3? I'm GS4
You in a Lexus, I'm Gulfstream four
Up in the sky on the Gulfstream tour
You want beef? We'll start a Gulfstream war
Lay ya ass down on God's Green Floor
We playin' Golf in the Gulf Of New Mexico
What? You are playing golf in the Gulf of NEW Mexico? Do you own a fucking map? Does Cam'Ron really think that there is both a Gulf of Mexico and a Gulf of New Mexico, or that New Mexico touches the Gulf of Mexico, or that New Mexico is its own country, or that there is a golf course somewhere in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico? I was so lost that I wrecked my car and died on the spot. I seriously just drove into the median at 85 mph out of confusion. After being resuscitated by the paramedics, I told them exactly what I had heard and they had the same perplexed look on their face...collectively, we just could not figure it out.
There can't be another reason. Nothing else makes sense. I mean...it's not even a play on words. Those have to make some sense, no? And it's not like he just slipped...you get to write this stuff down first. Trust me, I know. And if you f it up, you can just redo that part. I mean...if this is your job, and you make Turkish billions of dollars doing it, don't you think you would re-record that or someone would at least tell you, "yo...dog...what the f are you talking about there?". I can't figure it out.
Either way, my next song is going to talk about drinkin' Cristal at the Rocky Maivia of Gibraltar.
...would
you please shut the fuck up about running the streets already? You
don't run the streets. You just rhyme about crack. Every city has
streets that are claimed to be ran by the rappers of that city, like
the people that actually do run the streets sit around and wait for 50
Cent's next CD to drop before they strip your Elantra. That's not the
case. YOU DO NOT "RUN THE STREETS", RAPPERS...I don't even know what
that means, but you don't do it. Stop yelling at your audience of
16-year old white girls that you are running streets.
Why is this phenomenon simply limited to rap music? No other genres have this problem. Soundgarden doesn't drop their guitars and yell about how they run the underground grunge clubs of Seattle. Celine Dion doesn't sing about how nothing happens in the Canadian Prairies until she says so. But why? It obviously works for rappers, and these other musicians are just missing out on an opportunity to gain some more ground on the rap scene.
So listen up, Tim McGraw...at your next concert, perform "Don't Take The Girl" or something and then just smash your guitar and yell at the people in attendance with "I FUCKING RUN THESE FARMS!!!!", and just sit there and stare at them until they start to cheer. "AIN'T SHIT HAPPEN ON THESE FARMS WITHOUT ME!!!!". I'm telling you, Tim, the crowd will go wild. And before long, you WILL run these fucking farms. Trust me.
Ok,
that photo is kind of disingenuous, since the rapper in question is not
Young Joc but instead a guy featured on a Young Joc CD, or as they like
to call half-assed attempts at CDs on the streets, a "mixtape". On this
mixtape is a song called Powerful Drawz, and it is just as deep and
profound as the title indicates. I have no sound at work, so I can just
assume that this is the correct song.
I guess the guy who is responsible for this lyric goes by "Luney
Tunez"...I don't know if it is one guy or more than one guy or some
giraffes or what, but whatever. In the first verse, he comes hard with
this firey line:
"'Cause where I'm from a nigga hate having dry sex."
Oh
yeah? That's insane. Where are you from, dog? Earth? I'm so shocked.
Are you telling me that this is why KY has been such a huge success and
"Mama Rubio's Mojave Desert Sand-balm" just never quite took off? I
just never made the connection. Wow. Luney Tunez, thanks for the
insight.
The song goes on to record the following lyrics:
"In my hood, my niggas prefer homes with central air-conditioning."
"Where I'm from, we hate being hit by motor vehicles."
"Dog, in my streets, we prefered not to be exposed to deadly chlorine gas excursions."
"Homey, back in my part of town we used to hate paying taxes."
"Playa, in my neck of the woods a brother hate getting oral herpes."
"Yo, in my projects having your grandparents brutally killed by bears was a motherfucker."
"Yo cousin, were you from where I'm from, you'd hate how gas prices seem to be much more volatile when the price of oil goes up as opposed to when it goes down."
"Sir, in my hometown, we didn't like waking up with the headaches usually associated with drinking large amounts of alcohol, such as your Olde English or Colt 45-type beverages."
It really was an educational tune.
So last week the wife and I are watching American Idol and it’s “Country Night.” Even though Country Night always sucks, they always have a couple of inbreds on the show that they have to cater to before they make them sing Bon Jovi or something. It’s torture to listen to but as with most people my age that still watch AI, the worst nights of performances are always the best Cowell nights. Simon’s the only reason I watch that show. He’s awesome. We usually watch on TiVo delay and we’ll catch the first 15-20 seconds of most songs and then fly through and fly right through Randy, Paula, and the other idiot just to listen to Simon. Sure, he’s not the most likeable person you’ll ever come across but there’s something really fun about watching him stomp on people’s dreams on live TV. For instance, there’s this one kid who is young and good looking and clearly the type that will go far just based on the tween girl vote. The kid is married though and his wife was in the audience on the first night so after he sings Simon says to him, “It’s a little early to be carting out the wife, don’t you think?” The look on the wife's face was priceless but let me digress here.
Continue reading "Carrie Underwood Just Killed a Bunch of Rednecks" »
The scene this past weekend for Mr. and Mrs. Vandelay’s 10th wedding anniversary was Boston, Massachusetts, topped off with a night of dulcet tones by the great Neil Diamond. This would complete my trifecta of seeing geriatrics in concert at venues that are home to sports teams that I absolutely loathe. We’d be joined by friends, Joe and Lisa. The concert itself was good…not great. It is Neil Diamond so there’s certainly a cheese factor in play but if you don’t take yourself too seriously, it’s kinda hard not to have fun. As you can see from that photo above, the crowd was old. Really old. Like Craig old. This pretty much squashed the possibility of getting stoned which really seemed like an obvious necessity to us for a Neil Diamond concert and every time I’m watching a Red Sox game and someone made a catch in deep right center field I could have remembered the time I smoked a joint in that very spot. Unfortunately, nobody was so much as drinking so we worked under the presumption that Joe pulling a joint out of his balls wouldn’t have gone over so well.
Without further ado, a pictorial review…
