The Airing of Grievances

What do the lazy Fatty's have to say about this?

"Another feather in the cap for the City of Detroit." "What do you call a few deaths in Detroit? A day that ends in 'y' " I can hear the other crappy jokes now. The City of Detroit has nothing to do with this. It's just tragic all the way around.

As a former stud athlete, then fat fuck, now kind of athlete who picked up running again a year ago, and ran a similar race not more than a few weeks ago, I see/hear shit like this and, well, cringe. I mean, how in the hell do three seemingly healthy men and avid runners collapse and die while running the same race within 20 minutes and two miles of each other? Is this coincidence? Or is there some possible foul play afoot? Tainted water? Crappy air? Christ, two of the guys were younger than 40 years old and they still collapsed and died. Statistically speaking, there are only 8 deaths per million participants in Marathons, so three deaths in a HALF Marathon seems really odd. It'll be interesting to see the autopsy results, but I'll go ahead and chalk it up to bad luck.

With that being said, I had a conversation with a co-worker of mine who came out with this gem: "See? It just goes to show you that running in any capacity is bad for you. That's why we have cars." He was being serious and not trying to be funny at all. Mind you, this gelatinous pile of shit was sucking back a French Cruller and a Monster Energy Drink, he reeks of Salami and cigarettes and sweats profusely just by pushing out a turd (I presume). This guy is an asshole. I can't stand him. Anyway.

Heart disease and overall fat-fuckery kill about 600,000 people every year in this country. Directly speaking, running doesn't even touch this stat. I was headed that way and yeah, I'll blow myself and say that I changed my ways and am in good shape. I'm not quitting the activity, I'll just make sure I see my doctor a little more often and hope that God doesn't want me while running and have me collapse wearing running shorts so short that my hairy balls hang out. No disrespect.

RIP fellow runners.

How Not To Off Yourself- Ouch

So, if I'm think of calling it quits for eternity I probably wouldn't opt for log-upside-head strategy.  This guy tried it and the results lived up to expectations.   After being a tad disappointed that his end of the world prediction fell a little short and with the rest of his gang just coming to grips with that fact and probably on their way to ask him for an explanation I guess he was also feeling a bit stressed out. 

The one's that were persuaded out of the cave by authorities got a present.

Sect members were given a cow after they left the cave because they refused to drink milk from cartons that carried bar codes.

Those evil bar codes will bring down the world every time.

My New Fitness Thing

Having experienced the ultimate disgrace of losing to fat ass Cozmo in the AofG Celebrity Fit Club contest, the kid decided to step it up. Well, not really, as despite my best intentions I probably porked up about a good 30 pounds within two months after the contest. In any event, I been working it back down like a good soldier and I'm here to tell you that my spinning classes at the gym have been invaluable. So what if the instructor is a dead ringer for Ben Stiller's character in that movie about the fat kids at camp? So what if you have about a 300% better chance of seeing dudes who one of my hockey buddies refers to as "rainbows" than a legitimate piece of ass? So what if I leave there with enough techno (or whatever the fuck) beat in my head to cause me an aneurysm? Bottom line: The kid is getting his shit back together and spin-by-spin-by-spin that youthful hop back in my step.

Clown if you want, but let's be fair here, my knees absolutely can not take the treadmill and if I ever resorted to the fucking elliptical, I just may have to shoot myself.

Chiles Preemptive Strike: Go fuck yourself Klompus.

When You Go, Will You Go Quietly?

Personally, I was always partial to having my loved ones replicate the Vader funeral pyre and then scatter my ashes somewhere geographically relevant,

But I digress...

According to the AP, over 7,000 people have decided donate their bodies to plastination - the macabre dissection process that is plastered currently on every other bus and phone booth in the Big Town. 

The idea of millions of people checking out my internal goods for years to come doesn't sound too inviting, mostly because Klompus would be there to heckle me for fun and sport, but it seems better than being worm food.  Plus, there's the cost of a traditional funeral.  This chick has the right idea, I think...

"My family can go to Tahiti for the price of a funeral," [Susan Baxter] said. "Why celebrate me in a box when they can go out and have fun?"

Why not go to Tahiti, indeed, Susan.

So, AofG, what's it gonna be for you?  The Dirt Nap?  Donate to Science?  Creepy dissection?  Vader on a Stick?  Sound off in the comments.

Bobby Murcer - Ruining My Karma for 7 Years Running

In the spirit of Festivus (or the post-Festivus after-glow, as the case may be) sharing, I share this with the AofG, my lowest karmic moment of the week.

The first thing I thought when I saw this headline was, "Thank God, the YES Network wouldn't dare put him on the air anymore after this."

Yikes.  I am, indeed, a truly callous individual.

Bobby Murcer - a mediocre to OK ball-player, the homeless man's Mickey Mantle, and the sole shining light on some TERRIBLE Yankees teams in the early 70's - is generally regarded was one of the good guys in baseball.  He is affable, has good relationships with a lot of the players of his era and those still in the game from that time (especially Joe Torre), and has dedicated a lot of his free time to ensuring that retired players from the pre-free agency era that have fallen on hard times have an organization to assist them.  Certainly, not a guy who deserves  cheering for a brain tumor.

I'm Not Even Sure What To Say About This

Aside from the fact that the the unintentional comedy is off the charts.

Extremely Important Article

Based upon my rudimentary mathematical calculations, if I stop boozing now, I'm good until I'm 187.

From The Current News Desk - Obesity Pandemic

Some "scientists" claim to have discovered (get this!) Obese people ...er... not that popular with the kids these days.  Even tougher than being overweight, is being Obese and female.  Check the knowledge from Oz:

"Being obese and female is as bad as it gets," Berit Heitmann, a nutritional and medical research advisor to the Danish government, told a meeting of world obesity experts gathered in Sydney Wednesday.

For a view of what the obesity epidemic is doing to our kids, please see the following photographic evidence:

Mama Chiles Would Not Be Happy

So, the Big Bro and I have been playing some hockey of late. Fortunately, the leagues we play in are full of titfuckers so we've pretty much stayed injury free. The one problem though is that when you lace 'em up in the SpringTime you tend to perspire like Star Jones on a safari. And then, if your the type of cat who's pretty much devoid of personal hygiene, you end up having this happen on a Saturday morning:

Scene: JC walks out of locker room and past a mother who must've brought one of her kids for a puck shoot. JC's bag is with him, he's been robbed before so he doesn't leave it behind, and apparently the mother catches a whiff of him and the bag. Big Bro Chiles is about ten paces behind. Big Bro is about to pass mother and hears ...

Disgusted Human Being: Jesus, that guy should really consider cleaning his stuff in an industrial washing machine.

The Big Bro: *Doubles over in laughter.*

JC (upon being told): *Urinates all over himself.*

Perhaps I'll make a purchase. Sounds like I should.

A Look Into Your Future

Is this you at age 76?