The Airing of Grievances

Yet Another Festivus Miracle!!!

When I came on here just a few year ago, it was just me, Founding Father Frank and Crazy Ass Cozmo. While Frank, one of the most informed and best writers I kno,w has moved on to greener pastures, and Cozmo's graces us with his super-hard hitting presence about once every 6 months, we have been picked up by the incredible work of the Resident Asshole -- Jack Klompus, The Best Writer in The Business -- Assman, and The Guy Who Has Been Keeping This Place Alive Day In and Day Out With Super-Thought-Provoking Social Commentary -- Art Vandelay, as well as the musings of newbies Crazy Joe Devola and Mr. Kruger...umm, I think this has become a run on sentence with no end goal so I will just move on.

Yeah, anyway We Got Yet Another Festivus Miracle Kids!!! The imitable Jean Paul Jean Paul has decided to come on board. And I can tell you all, without equivocation, that you will absoluely love his work. The guy is Crazy Brilliant and I don't just mean Crazy in the hip-hop way, but in the plain old traditional sense -- Crazy Brilliant. We consider this particular Fesitvus Miracle a Legitimate Blessing and we hope you our readers -- the Heart and Soul of this place -- will as well.

Paging Jean Paul Jean Paul -- Anyone Home?

Some Post-Holiday House Cleaning

After draining every ounce of stamina from my system airing grievances and feating strength, I responded the best way I know how...lots of alcohol. But after a nice 11 hour sleep, I'm just about back to normal today and ready to take on the world with an elevated sense of enthusiasm. I might even suggest the Spanish onion.

- Due to the confusion over celebrating Festivus three days prior to the actual holiday, we had some late, yet extremely high quality submissions in our inbox. Those have been added to extend the record to 49 grievances, here and here.

Let's Put This Baby to Bed

Well after a day of copying, pasting, editing, and most importantly...grieving; I'm back at the office and although not 100%, I'm ready to rumble. Seeing my favorite player's fibula being snapped in high definition last night sucked even more life out of me but after just reading about the way that Assman treated the world yesterday, I'm suddenly feeling inspired.

As you know, for Festivus to end, one of you jabronis has to pin me. While mulling over potential categories, a suggestion came down from corporate to go with the stupidest thing you have ever done while sober. Well, Art Vandelay is no "yes" man so I took that suggestion and threw caution to the wind, radically changing "sober" to "drunk." I got one shot at this and if I get to pick the category, you're damn right it's gonna be right in my wheelhouse. I won't beat around the bush...I'm coming at you with the old #1. Sure many have you have seen it before, but the questions remains as to whether you can actually get some wood on it. After the jump, the stupidest thing I've ever done while drinking, followed by your feeble attempts to pin me.

A Champagne Toast to My Fellow Grievers

Well, it appears that all grievances have been aired and I haven't checked the official stats but I'm gonna go ahead and assume that 46 grievances does not only break a record but it completely shatters it. That was an endurance trial and we here at the AofG are extremely grateful to all who contributed. I haven't even had the chance to read through most of these yet and I know they were coming out pretty quickly but my suggestion for all of you who couldn't keep up would be to save this link and drop by whenever you have some time to kill because what this excercise always proves is that our readers are not only a bunch of cynical pricks, but they're some of the most creative, intelligent, and downright hilarious folks around these here internets.

Now the bad news. I'm spent. If you ever told me that copying, pasting, and editing 46 blog posts would have been this exhausting, I would have laughed at you. As it stands now, I can't look at my computer anymore. I'm looking forward to having about eight more of these champagnes and watching the Steelers miserably underperform in high-def...so that's what I'm gonna do.

Of course this means no feats of strength. Does that make me a tremendous pussy? You bet it does! Fortunately, I was able to find a loophole. Nobody wants to see me stagger into the Feats of Strength and proceed to get pinned in the first 5 minutes anyway and Festivus doesn't have to end tonight. This is an unofficial observance. We have until Sunday night to finish this thing.

The Feats of Strength will launch sometime tomorrow and hopefully we can put this bad boy to rest. I'm bringing my A-game though. In the meantime, Happy Festivus to all!

THE AofG FESTIVUS EXTRAVAGANZA - 2007

Happy effin' Festivus, fellow grievers. As they say...this one's for the rest of us.

As you probably already know, this is an unofficial observance of Festivus. The powers that be thought it best that we maximize attendance in light of the actual Holiday falling on Sunday. That's some brilliant shit, right there. We'll be simulcasting live here from chez Vandelay as we wait for the DirecTV guy to show up and install my HD receiver. I'm gonna make multi-tasking a new art as I attempt to play the MoC here while trying to tend to a one year old, entertain a 5 year old, and yell at the DirecTV guy. A lesser man wouldn't even atempt this.

There have been a lot of changes this past year here at the Grieve. Founding father Frank found serenity, took his shit and left, and Cozmo got burnt out by his eliptical, but we certainly appreciate the foundation that those cats laid out. Along with Chiles, a new generation of grievers has carried the load and it's been a pretty cool ride. We even made history when we got lit up by MySpace to the tune of 253 comments, and we loved every minute of it. RIP Wolverine! Anyway, a big shout out to anyone who took the time this year to drop by and see us cynical bastards. Thanks.

As usual we'll start out with the Airing of Grievances and then have a ilittle Feats of Strength later on (I got this this year Johnnie...Festivus isn't ending). If anyone wants to get in a last minute grievance, just send an e-mail to festivus1223@gmail.com prior to noon or so and we'll get you in.

Without further ado...let's grieve!

-Frank
-Jackie Chiles
-Vandelay
-Assman - Part I
-Assman - Part II
-Assman - Part III
-Brian
-Mark (aka Unholy Moses)
-Flash
-Jack Klompus
-Johnnie from the Swamp
-Craig
-Will from Deadspin
-Schmoopie
-Sam from Slam
-Johnny Hotcakes
-Paul Katcher
-Eli
-John Pike
-Cozmo
-SL22
-DFS
-Downsview
-Scott
-Memphis Bengal
-Itchy
-DaveinNYC
-DSafetyGuy
-Puddy
-Matt
-Brontoburglar
-TMan
-ZMan
-AlexFritz
-EdKranepool
-SCKid
-KristalK
-H.E. PennyPacker
-President Cerrano
-ToTheBank
-Rush2112
-Govmentchedda
-TexansTragedy
-Soup Nazi
-Delores
-Boybleu
-Oiler
-Chris_l
-Day 1 Wrap
-Feats of Stength

Chris_l Makes it Official

Happy Festivus! I got a lot of problems with some of you people! Here are my top 5 grievances at the moment.

1. Cuba Gooding Jr. in those Haines underwear commercials. Those commercials just make me uncomfortable. So Cuba Gooding Jr. goes into other people's dressing rooms and steals their underwear. Is Cuba supposed to be some sort of kleptomaniac? Some sort of men's underwear fetishist? Is he gay for Michael Jordan? Is that the market segment Haines is trying to target the homosexual NBA groupie market? Has Cuba Gooding Jr.'s star fallen so low that he's reduced to doing commercials like this or does Michael Jordan hold some sort of grudge against Gooding forcing to debase himself so? No matter how you slice it the commercials make me uncomfortable.

Oiler...More of a Festivus Guy

Fucking Christmas.

And trash.

Christmas is trash.

I just cleaned out my apartment and moved into a condo. The apartment had lived in by an unnamed pack rat for almost 5 years. You know how much trash you can accumulate over 5 years? The place was only around 600 square feet. I estimate close to 200 of those square feet were dedicated to the housing of crap that was purchased by someone else for me and given on one Christmas or another.

And I don't really need any of it. And for a while, I just didn't have it in me to throw it out.

Boybleu Sneaks in with a Final Grievance

Sorry BB...we had a little mix up at headquarters. We don't claim to be infallible over here.

The suburbs. Well, not so much The Suburbs I grieve against this year, as really, anybody and everybody has and can bitch about the sprawl, excrutiating freeway commutes, endless tracts of McMansions, unsustainable community plans, a looming peak oil apocalypse, and the general ennui of multiplying strip malls and pervasive homogeneity. Yawn. Keep reading.

I could be at peace with the 'burbs. In fact, we had a pact for awhile; I don't go there, and it doesn't come here. Well, this year, that pact was broken, and I have a lot of problems with that. So it begins...

Delores Takes Us Home

This is the second time someone has blatantly ripped on the MoC today but again, we'll let it slide. Now get your ass home and make me dinner. I worked my frickin' tail off today!

Vegetarians- eat a fuckin' cheeseburger - survival of the fittest and all - it's unatural to crave tofu !!!!

People that don't drink - take the edge off. Go home like the rest of us and drink a bottle of wine to forget the troubles of the day and don't be all high and mighty if you go to the gym instead. There is nothing 45 minutes on a treadmill can kill faster than two gin and tonics. We don't want to hear about endorphins etc.... drink some wine!!!

Jimmy Buffet - He's just not that telented. If you drink 10 hours before you see any musician - they are talented

Air quotes - just don't fuckin' do it

Don't ever say ... ain't it??????

People that hang their feet out the window of their car on summer days or anytime as a matter of fact, it's just awful!!!!.

Hearing about the trials and tribulations of Festivus and how difficult being the master of ceremonies is...try having a baby!!!!!!!!! You're cutting and pasting on the Internet on your day off. I think you can deal with it!!!

The Soup Nazi Has a Quick Grievance

To the U.S.Congress--I got a lot of problems with you people!!!! Mainly, YOU ALL SUCK!! Lying, theiving hypocrites!! Here's a word of advise-leave the entertainers alone and do your damn jobs!! And to the U.S. voters--ZERO INCUMBENTS, PEOPLE--ITS THE ONLY ANSWER!! And one more thing for the U.S. Congress--YOU ALL SUCK!!! Love, Soup Nazi II.