The Airing of Grievances

Xtranormal Anyone?

I don't know why, but this shit is absolutely hilarious to me. Here's a little classic Assman...

THE 2008 AofG FESTIVUS EXTRAVAGANZA

Hey-Yo!!!!

Fellow grievers...the day has come. Our time is now. Today, we unofficially recognize this wonderful holiday known as Festivus. I believe this is our blog's fifth observing, which isn't bad seeing as five years ago, nobody knew what a blog even was. Today, we look back on 2008 not with admiration...not with pride or any sense of well-doing, but with nothing but good old-fashioned disdain. Sure we can get down next week with the hugs and kisses and everything else that comes with those mushy holidays but for now let's all sit back and prepare for some complete and utter scorn.

We had another great year over here at the Grieve and as always we'd like to thank anyone who drops by and takes the time to actually read what we have to write. We may seem contemptuous at times...some of us all the time (Klompus)...but the reality is that we probably wouldn't waste the time writing anything over here if nobody was reading it. Life gets in the way sometimes so we recruited a couple of new contributors who have really done a great job in picking up the slack for some people (Assman and Chiles) so a shout out to them as well.

Finally and I think most importantly, there'd be no grieving if we had nothing to grieve about so a very special thank you has to go out to the following: Our BFF(I wonder if we'll have any grievances directed her way); Hill; Jeremiah Wright; Amtrak; comic book geeks; goth douchelets; religious whack-jobs; hypocrite politicians; idiot celebrities; Assman's intramural basketball team; Vongphoumy; Artest; old Massholes; arrogant sprinters and those who loathe them; fatties on death row; Mavericks; bailouts; hurricanes; and last but not least...Georgia, Georgia, Georgia. Obviously, many, many more.

As it was last year, we're coming at you live from Chez Vandelay. This post will remain on the top of the page and grievances will be posted under it continuously throughout the day with hyperlinks to all of them on this post. We'll kick it off with the Airing of Grievances and if time permits we'll give someone a shot to pin me in the Feats of Strength. If you have anything you'd like to get off your chest and feel like joining the party, shoot me an e-mail with your grievances at festivus1223@gmail.com and I will squeeze you in. Without further ado, let's get it on! As always, we lead it off with Founding Father Frank...

- Frank
- Vandelay
- Dr. Whatley
- KristalK
- TurdFerguson
- Klompus I
- April
- mathesond
- Kranepool
- Assman
- Texans Tragedy
- Kruger
- Newman
- Non-Linear FC
- Flash Warner
- Michelle
- DSafetyGuy
- Brontoburglar
- That French Guy
- Puddy
- JJ
Sam
- hdo
- Bensell
- Klompus II
- Klompus III
- Feats of Strength

The Feats of Strength

I don't want anyone to get too caught up on the parameters regarding this year's FoS so I'm going to define it in a bit of a vague manner. What we're basically looking for is the most absurd/irrational/stupid thing you've ever done to try put yourself in a position to engage in physical contact with a member of the opposite sex (or same sex for our gay friends really). The extent of the contact doesn't matter nor does it matter that you were even successful. We're strictly focusing on the methodology here. This may not seem like a feat of "strength" per se, but you know me...I'm all about the self-deprecation. Most of you know how this works. The best story pins me thereby ending Festivus.

Bensell Gets His Grieve On

Editor's Note: Actually that's a fallacy. You really don't have a life until you procreate. It says as much in the bible I think.

I have a few grievances to air:

*To the idiots who do their handicapping at the self betting windows at the race track, please stop fucking over the regular bettors. The machines are there for convenience – not for you to look at odds.

*To my family – just because I don't have a kid doesn't mean I don't have a life. If you schedule a family get together during a Kentucky game don't expect me there. I don't schedule my parties during your church services, so don't fuck with my religion.

*To my HD antenna – why are you such a bitch that all 3 local channels come in at different points? It's bad enough I can't get Fox in HD, but I have to constantly move my rabbits ears because Directv won't allow a national broadcast channel.

A Few Quickies From hdo

hdo is like the nicest person I know so this is actually a totally abnormal amount of vitriol. I'm a little worried about him.

I do not know if I am so euphoric from the elections and getting the present crooked administration out of office, or so depressed by the state of the world, that nothing jumps out as a grievance. However, there are a few out there.

Holier than thou right-wing Christians. Every breath is praising God. I believe, and was baptized. I try to follow the 10 Commandments, and the Golden Rule. That is fine, as far as I am concerned. If you wish to go to church twice or more each week, and tithe your 10%, go ahead. Don’t ram your religious feelings down my throat.

Hey, FOX News, wait until mid-January to blame Obama for the recession. And I do not think he stole the Lindberg baby, either.

Yes, I am an American, and I love this country. I do not feel I have to wear a flag lapel pin every day to prove it.

People driving cars, using cell phones, really piss me off. Hey dumbass, concentrate on driving; if it is that important, pull over. You were bad drivers before. Now, you are loaded guns.

Sam From Slam (but not really)

Sam Rubenstein is a recurring griever and has a recurring grievance that we apparently couldn't resolve last time. Sam is formerly a writer for Slam Online and now you can find him at teach.ing. I don't know what that is. Maybe Sam can clarify.

A few years ago I contributed a grievance about how it's annoying when you are trying to get off a subway car, and people try to force their way on before you can get off. I thought that the AofG was going to be some great social revolutionary agent for change. Apparently I was wrong, because you people are WORSE THAN EVER!

Let's say you've got someone moving out of a home, and then someone new moving in. Would you try to cram all of the new tenant's furniture in there before taking out the furniture that has to go? No, that would be insane. So why... WHY must you give me a Polamalu chest bump when I am trying to clear out space so that you may have it?

I quit a day job a while ago that allowed me the unappreciated luxury of getting on the train at 10 AM, which meant a seat every day. Recently I've been riding the train for the 7 AM Rush Hour. No seats, no space to breathe, and at every stop it's a war to get on or off. We need RULES people. Just like they have the no spitting, no smoking, no radio playing rules. This is bad. I am not a violent person but I am getting there.

JJ Pays Us A Visit

Things aren't going too badly for JJ at The Churning but like a trooper, he finds something to grieve about.

My annual list of grievances is brief and yet so frustrating. I entered 2008 with so much free time. So much to do and all the time in the world to do it. That feeling sure faded fast. There are various reasons for this.

My responsibility level at work has increased dramatically. My salary has not. So I'm busy. I know - boo hoo, I'm sooo busy. Still. It sucks.

In addition to the added duties and extra hours at the office, I'm trying to keep my bandmates motivated in our efforts to record our first CD. It's just like having a second job. Admittedly, that second job that involves getting drunk at least once a week at rehearsal and getting completely shitfaced and playing rock music at bars once a month or so.

Then there's the random bullshit that happens. The economy sucks donkey dick. My car suffered "catastrophic engine failure". Blah blah blah.

Puddy Gets In and Gets Out

Nothing's changed.  Take it for what it is.

Our Second Grievance From Across The Pond

Let's all welcome That French Guy to the AofG. I actually got this in french and I did my best to translate so if any of it doesn't make sense, it might be my fault, or just because he's, you know...French.

- my boss's boss and this guy's boss : for the past couple of years they have taken the annoying habit of always mentioning your fist name when greeting you. While it may be cool to know that your new n+2 knows your name just a few days after your arrival, it quickly gets on everyone's nerves. First when a bunch of us run into one of them, then it's "Good morning Marius", "Good morning Augustin" "Good morning Jean-Napoleon" and so on, lasting 5 minutes. Secondly, they apparently failed to notice that they look like morons when they only remember 9 out of ten names. And thirdly, it's so painfully obvious that some consultant taught them to do that to show us they care about employees ("it really improves team spirit") that I'm actually embarrassed for them if they believe we fell for that.

Brontoburglar Gets All Up In It

Cause yeah...fuck Tony Stewart.

Fuck the economy, President Bush, or Sarah Palin. I’m going to grieve about what everyone cares about. NASCAR.

Or, more specifically, Tony Stewart.

It’s no secret that I’m a Stewart fan. There’s a banner on my wall in my bedroom. There’s a decal on the back of my truck, and number 20 floormats on the floor. The water bottle I take to the gym even has a 20 on one side and a Home Depot logo on the other.

Yeah, I’m a tad obsessed.

It doesn’t help that the NASCAR season officially starts with the Daytona 500. Sure, there’s the Bud Shootout and the qualifying races before that, and yes, I get really nervous during them, but they don’t count.