If you listen closely enough at the beginning of that video, you can hear the remote whisper dubbed in, for McCain...for McCain.
How about that Halle Berry though? SCHWING!
I'll set the over/under at 38 seconds for how far Klompus gets through.
No way! I don't believe it. I DON'T BELIEVE IT!
These idiot celebrities need to just shut up for two months. If they have to talk, just let it be about rainbows and unicorns or something. I just found out that I have this amazing, unique ability. You see, I happen to believe that the gentlemen who got together and came up with this document a long time ago were very smart guys who knew what they were doing. There's a lot of really good stuff in there. At the same time, I don't think people should own other people. Can you believe what a progressive, open-minded motherfucker I am?
OMG...did you guys hear Amand Beard like totally dis Michael Phelps? Bitch said he's not her type! WTF? I mean...she's a swimmer too and she's been in Playboy so it's obvious to everyone that they must be getting it on, right? Why you frontin' Beard?
Seriously, this is retarded but CNN, once again setting the standard for journalism has decided that not only is this news, but it's actually worthy of a four person round-table discussion. Recap...
I realize that it's late on Friday afternoon and probably nobody is around to see this but when you come across a story about Verne Troyer suing his sex tape partner that produces quotes from his lawyer like this one...
"When you pick up a 2'8" human being and throw him to the floor, it hurts."
...I'd say it's worth 5 minutes of my day.
In other news, Verne Troyer has a sex tape partner which presumably means that people watch Verne Troyer having sex. I think we should just lock those people up right now. I mean, I suppose there's a sliver of a chance that they could someday contribute something to society, but is it a chance that we really want to take?
Look, we can all agree that midgets aren't funny. It's an unfortunate genetic anomaly that no one should have to endure. However, midgets suing their ex-girlfriends for chucking them around the room just for goofs...that's funny.
Really, really funny.
I've been fortunate enough to avoid ever exposing myself to even a second of The Hills but not fortunate enough to avoid being exposed to the faux-celebrities that it's produced like these two fools pictured above. In a sure sign that the apocalypse is upon us, these people have decided that they owe it to the troops in Iraq to fly out there and "entertain" them. Now, she apparently has recorded actual songs (sorry about that) that I imagine she'll be performing and I guess she's okay to look at. On the other hand, could you imagine being a soldier who has been fighting a war in Iraq for over a year, every day having to deal with 130 degrees of desert sun and bullets flying by your head, not to mention those nasty camel spiders, and one day being rewarded with a performance from people who are rich and famous for absolutely nothing?
Needless to say, fighting this war probably provides most people with a dose of perspective that most of us will never come close to obtaining (some parties excluded). What could someone named Spencer Pratt possibly provide these people with? Inspiration? He's a rich, spoiled brat from Beverly Hills who apparently does nothing but get paid to go to clubs and drink and take pictures with his plastic Barbie doll girlfriend. He's gonna get on a stage in Iraq and entertain the troops? This is insane, right? Just look at this tool!
Haven't these troops suffered enough?
It's easy for me to say this because I'm aestheticaly infallible in every way, shape, and form but I came across this picture of Kidman and her husband, country singer, Keith Urban, and am I the only person that's noticed these two have the biggest fucking foreheads you've ever seen? Their eyes are like two-thirds of the way down their face. I did a google search for Kidman/Urban/Forehead and apparently there is a blog called "Nicole Kidman's Forehead" which is kind of awesome but look at him too! He's got bangs and they can't even hide that thing!
Is it entirely possible that these two were brought together by their foreheads? I mean, that can't be a coincidence, right? One can only assume that they felt too inadequate around anyone with normal-sized foreheads, saw each other one day, and just knew. They knew like you know about a good melon. Just look at this! Also, is she like 6'5" or does she only get with guys that are 5'2"?
Okay, I'm just gonna sit back and wait for my Pulitzer to arrive.
Caucasian actress, Angelina Jolie is upset. It appears that the imperial whitebread wizards who run the multi-million dollar Princess department over at Disney have neglected to meet the cultural diversity standards that she has set for her family while trying to produce her own Benetton commercial*.
"There still isn't a Disney princess that's African and it's very difficult because our daughters' getting into princesses right now and it upsets me."
As you may know, the Pitts have adopted an Ethiopian daughter along with two boys of Cambodian and Vietnamese descent respectively. I'm anxiously awaiting the day that Brad makes a formal plea to Hank Steinbrenner to sign a Cambodian because it's upsetting to Maddox.
Of course it's easy for me to joke as Disney has perfectly fulfilled my family's Princess requirements in producing an olive-skinned brunette and a fair-skinned redhead. Although the redhead is a half-fish so I'm not really sure what the hidden message is there. Seriously, what would you do if you ever saw a drop dead gorgeous 19 year old redhead come out of the water with scales and gills and shit? I'd run away as fast as I can. I'd assume it was either a robot designed by the Japanese that was about to start blowing shit up with lasers from her eyes or some type of evil mutant freak trying to lure me in close enough so that she could just swallow me whole. Jews can get away with this because they don't really have redheads.
Anyway, before we start crowning Jolie as the "Princess of Racial Equality," it's important to note that she's currently starring in a movie about a panda bear that's into Kung-Fu. Nothing racist about that at all.
*Blatantly stolen from a Family Guy episode
I'm not in the mood for another TMZ post, so here's a short story from this weekend. The moral of which can either be "don't do drugs" or "well, do drugs, but be just careful how you do them." I haven't quite decided yet.
So, Saturday morning, my brother called me and told me Lou Ferrigno was in town. Considering the SuperBowl is happening in about a week and celebrities from lists B through F are pretty much everywhere, I was fairly unimpressed. I mean, as a young dude, I was basically in brokeback-level love with the Incredible Hulk, so seeing Lou Ferrigno would have been as high up on my life achievement list as making out with Sheena Easton from the Bally's commercials, but just seeing the guy in a sea of losers at some parade somewhere? No thanks.
Then my brother stopped me. This wasn't a SuperBowl thing. This was the Phoenix Comicon, and he would be sitting in a booth where I could meet him, shake his hand and possibly ask him to toss a boulder into a car filled with villains trying to flee a bank robbery. Was I in? Absolutely.
Continue reading "Reason #19323 That You're Cooler Than Me" »
They're inside her and they're apparently not shy. Certainly not the most complex plotline anyone has ever come up with but completely horrifying, nonetheless. Does anyone with a penis and their right mind actually pay eight bucks to see this one? I dont think I'd be able to have sex for months. Maybe ever. Teeth! In her vag! WTF!!!
