The Airing of Grievances

Losers Of The Weekend

Kanye West Hates White People

I'm sure everyone except for maybe my brother has heard about Kanye's little stunt at the VMAs by now. It's a big deal because it gave like seventy of my facebook friends a chance to spew their moral indignation all over the joint and many other people the opportunity to state something painfully obvious but act like they were being enlightening. Yes, Kanye is an idiot. Kanye also sorta has a point though.

How the fuck does Beyonce' win "Best Video" but not "Best Female Video"? There's only two conclusions to be drawn here...

1. It's a stupid token award that means nothing and Taylor Swift shouldn't take herself so seriously.
2. Beyonce' has a penis.

I mean, as far as awards go, this is about as condescending as they come anyway, isn't it? Can we start calling Tyson Gay the best male sprinter on the planet?

Serena Hates Asian People

So she's serving to stay in her semi-final match at Flushing Meadows at 15-30 and foot-faults a second serve bringing it to 15-40 whereby she decides to threaten the line judge that had the audacity to enforce the rules of tennis resulting in a point penalty on match point and subsequently costing her the match. I hate this idea that anything goes on big points. I tip my hat to that little Asian woman and wouldn't ever want to see Chiles' girlfriend "shove a fucking ball up her ass."

Want to know the best way to avoid this happening to you if you ever happen to be in a US Open semi? Don't foot-fault! Everybody who picks up tennis should watch Boris Becker serve and just learn it. Becker would have never gotten called for a foot-fault because he doesn't move his feet and way too many players have to pull this shit with their back foot coming around and it's completely unnecessary. I offer her no points and may God have mercy on her soul.

Leodis McKelvin Hates His Knee

Seriously...that was retarded. Thankfully for him, it was only the second-most retarded thing from that game though...

Gisele is Bat Shit Insane

I saw this Vanity Fair article linked on Deadspin and I’m still not sure what sucked me in (possibly NSFW), but for some reason, I just had to click on it and skim through. As if you needed any more reasons to envy the Brady, for as ridiculously hot as she is this broad can really bring the crazy, and I think we know what that means.

“I understand that he has a mom, and I respect that, but to me it’s not like because somebody else delivered him, that’s not my child. I feel it is, 100 percent,” Gisele says. “I want him to have a great relationship with his mom, because that’s important, but I love him the same way as if he were mine. I already feel like he’s my son, from the first day.”

Ummm…no. It’s not like that at all.

Okay lady grievers, let’s say your cleft-chinned boyfriend knocks you up and immediately after decides to leave you for a supermodel. You’re publically humiliated but ready to go through nine months of pregnancy alone because in spite of the emptiness that he’s left you with, all you have left in this lonely world is this bastard child. Presumably, you already despise this woman because she lives in the same town, is the wife of your child’s father, and yet you’ve never met her. Then one day you pick up a VF with her hot naked ass plastered all over it and you read that despite that little “giving birth” thing that you went through, she feels that the child is 100% hers.

That’s gotta be pretty much enough to put someone in a straight jacket, no?

So I Watched The Oscars...

I'm a little late on this but I was in a bad mood yesterday so here we go...

I honestly can’t remember the last time I’ve watched The Oscars. I don’t really have anything against them but the fact of the matter is that I really don’t go to the movies anymore. I don’t even watch a lot of movies anymore which is weird because I love movies but it just seems like such a commitment. I’m not getting any younger so wasting 3 hours of my life on something that might end up sucking is something that I normally deem too risky. I’m not averse to wasting time but I’d prefer to waste it on things that I know for sure aren’t gonna suck.

I’ve always had a bit of a man crush on Mickey Rourke and when I heard his redemption had finally come, I was going to make a point of seeing The Wrestler, which I finally did this past Friday night. It was awesome and The Mick was worthy of all the accolades. I won’t spoil anything but you just die for that character. Now upon the realization that movies aren’t a complete waste of time, I stop by a friend’s house on the way home to get some shady copy of Slumdog which was being lent so I was able to grab a shady copy of Gran Torino instead. Wow. Fucking wow. Like one of the best movies I’ve ever seen. Powerful, powerful flick. See it. Trust me on this.

So now that I have rooting interests, I can actually watch The Oscars on Sunday night but when I open up the newspaper (yes, really) Saturday morning to read about our chances, I learn that neither The Wrestler or Gran Torino are even up for a fucking Oscar. Now I hate Hollywood again and I’m going to watch this stupid thing with nothing but disdain and loathing just to see if these assholes have the balls to give Mickey Rourke or Marisa Tomei and her hot 40 year old ass an award. I refuse to believe that there are five movies better than The Wrestler or Gran Torino. That’s complete bullshit but I’ll digress. Here are some quick thoughts on the show…

Because You REALLY Care About Celebrities

If you listen closely enough at the beginning of that video, you can hear the remote whisper dubbed in, for McCain...for McCain.

How about that Halle Berry though? SCHWING!

I'll set the over/under at 38 seconds for how far Klompus gets through.

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

No way! I don't believe it. I DON'T BELIEVE IT!

Yeah...That's Exactly What He Meant, You Dope!

whoopi slavery
by dollarsandsense123

These idiot celebrities need to just shut up for two months. If they have to talk, just let it be about rainbows and unicorns or something. I just found out that I have this amazing, unique ability. You see, I happen to believe that the gentlemen who got together and came up with this document a long time ago were very smart guys who knew what they were doing. There's a lot of really good stuff in there. At the same time, I don't think people should own other people. Can you believe what a progressive, open-minded motherfucker I am?

'Tis Not News

OMG...did you guys hear Amand Beard like totally dis Michael Phelps? Bitch said he's not her type! WTF? I mean...she's a swimmer too and she's been in Playboy so it's obvious to everyone that they must be getting it on, right? Why you frontin' Beard?

Seriously, this is retarded but CNN, once again setting the standard for journalism has decided that not only is this news, but it's actually worthy of a four person round-table discussion. Recap...

Too Good To Pass Up

I realize that it's late on Friday afternoon and probably nobody is around to see this but when you come across a story about Verne Troyer suing his sex tape partner that produces quotes from his lawyer like this one...

"When you pick up a 2'8" human being and throw him to the floor, it hurts."

...I'd say it's worth 5 minutes of my day.

In other news, Verne Troyer has a sex tape partner which presumably means that people watch Verne Troyer having sex. I think we should just lock those people up right now. I mean, I suppose there's a sliver of a chance that they could someday contribute something to society, but is it a chance that we really want to take?

Look, we can all agree that midgets aren't funny. It's an unfortunate genetic anomaly that no one should have to endure. However, midgets suing their ex-girlfriends for chucking them around the room just for goofs...that's funny.

Really, really funny.

This Can Only End Well

I've been fortunate enough to avoid ever exposing myself to even a second of The Hills but not fortunate enough to avoid being exposed to the faux-celebrities that it's produced like these two fools pictured above. In a sure sign that the apocalypse is upon us, these people have decided that they owe it to the troops in Iraq to fly out there and "entertain" them. Now, she apparently has recorded actual songs (sorry about that) that I imagine she'll be performing and I guess she's okay to look at. On the other hand, could you imagine being a soldier who has been fighting a war in Iraq for over a year, every day having to deal with 130 degrees of desert sun and bullets flying by your head, not to mention those nasty camel spiders, and one day being rewarded with a performance from people who are rich and famous for absolutely nothing?

Needless to say, fighting this war probably provides most people with a dose of perspective that most of us will never come close to obtaining (some parties excluded). What could someone named Spencer Pratt possibly provide these people with? Inspiration? He's a rich, spoiled brat from Beverly Hills who apparently does nothing but get paid to go to clubs and drink and take pictures with his plastic Barbie doll girlfriend. He's gonna get on a stage in Iraq and entertain the troops? This is insane, right? Just look at this tool!

Haven't these troops suffered enough?

Nicole and Keith Had a Ba...OMG LOOK AT THOSE FOREHEADS!!!

It's easy for me to say this because I'm aestheticaly infallible in every way, shape, and form but I came across this picture of Kidman and her husband, country singer, Keith Urban, and am I the only person that's noticed these two have the biggest fucking foreheads you've ever seen? Their eyes are like two-thirds of the way down their face. I did a google search for Kidman/Urban/Forehead and apparently there is a blog called "Nicole Kidman's Forehead" which is kind of awesome but look at him too! He's got bangs and they can't even hide that thing!

Is it entirely possible that these two were brought together by their foreheads? I mean, that can't be a coincidence, right? One can only assume that they felt too inadequate around anyone with normal-sized foreheads, saw each other one day, and just knew. They knew like you know about a good melon. Just look at this! Also, is she like 6'5" or does she only get with guys that are 5'2"?

Okay, I'm just gonna sit back and wait for my Pulitzer to arrive.