The Airing of Grievances

This Is Fucking Happening?!

Are you a romantic guy? Are you the sort of fellow that knows his way to a lady's heart?

I've got news for you, man. You can't call yourself a true auteur of romantic scenarios if you're not taking your date to the zoo on Valentine's Day to watch animals fuck.

Seriously. This is happening in Pittsburgh. The city that learned to look the other way when its quarterback has sex with unwilling young women is going to spend a day watching elephants go ass-to-trunk instead. And they're paying $75 a ticket! This is a good idea?!

Dude with bushy moustache: "Hey sweetie. I put aside $150 for tickets for Valentine's Day."
Lady with weird 80's haircut: "Aw, that's so sweet. So we're going to a show?"
Dude with bushy moustache: "Absolutely. Only the best for my little cupcake."
Lady with weird 80's haircut: "Wait... is this like the time you took me to see Polamalu get his locker red up after the season? That wasn't very romantic."
Dude with bushy moustache: "Not quite that good. We're going to see watch orangutans performing oral on each other."

THIS IS FUCKING HAPPENING?!?!?

Macho Man Dead

That just sucks. Really really sucks. Now, who's going to sell all these damned Slim Jims we've got laying around here? Leapin' Lanny Poffo?

 

Edit: Why not?

"Yes...Let's Beat the Bear to the Fish!"

Just for fun, and because this is The Grieve...let's check out some preview video of BFF's new reality show in which she does her greatest Bear Grylls impersonations all over the Great State. This fucking woman is so annoying that it's almost contagious. You know why he might think that your his lunch, Palin? Because you're trying to steal his real lunch! What the hell kind of person does that? You dick.

Just so we're all on the same page here...nobody thinks BFF had ever seen a bear in real life before this, right?

Oh and am I DVR'ing this shit? You betcha!

Trust Me...This Is Hilarious

So apparently having run out of any good stereotypical bad guys like Nazis and Monsters and shit, Hollywood has decided to vilify those hateful atheists. Please take a few minutes to watch the absurd trailer below. It's basically the plot to the Grinch except the Grinch doesn't like religion. I don't really know where to begin...

- It takes place in a small town in Alaska of course
- It stars Ted McGinley as the mayor and the fat Baldwin (are they all just fat now?) as the evil atheist
- He's described as a person that hates God even though he doesn't believe in God so that's not even possible
- Christians started the United States of America
- I'm guessing here but since it's Hollywood I'm going to assume that the evil atheist abandons all his principles and reasoning and converts to Catholic because they're nicer
- Yup...straight to DVD

Ultimately, this shit is fucked up. Not only have I never known an atheist that had an issue with Christmas but for Christ's sake Christians...it's okay for people not to believe in the same shit that you do! Isn't there some sort of message in the Christmas spirit about not being so god damned self-righteous about everything?

Sigh.

Postcards From Beckapalooza

Disclaimer: I'm completely aware that this is a piece of liberal propaganda and edited to make all teabaggers look like complete morons and that there are sheep and idiots in every corner of the political spectrum. It just happens to be funny to me. Really, really funny. I'm sorry, but extremely xenophobic, fear-mongering retards are just a lot funnier to me than hippy, tree-hugging retards.

Not to take anything away from this cat, of course.

Wrasslefest 2010 and America

Two years ago, the SuperBowl was in Arizona. I didn't go.

One year ago, the NBA All Star Game was in Arizona. I didn't go.

Let me preface this next paragraph by saying that I'm in my 30's, I have a college degree and I've never had a bottle of Faygo in my life. I also don't have any tattoos, generally avoid taking Stacker 2 and don't own a pair of pants with zippers over the pocket. And I've been the dentist very recently. Okay?

This Sunday, I broke my streak of non-participatory behavior and went to Wrestlemania.

Khil'ing Me Softly

As a kid growing up in the 70s & 80s at the height of Cold War tensions, I often wondered what the evil people in the Soviet Union were really like and I ineveitably always came to the primal conclusion that they were these stone-faced dicks that just ate soup and practiced gymnastics when they weren't building bombs. Of course that perception has evolved over time but thanks to this wonderful thing we call the internet I can now look back on those commie bastards and confidently say, "I dig your vibe, Russia."

Let me introduce you to Edward Khil'. Was he a stone-faced commie bastard? Of course he was, but unlike everything we were led to believe about that place growing up, Ed Khil''s only crime was being awesome (and I think maybe really stoned...purple haze would be my guess). So pour yourself a glass of stoli and prepare to be entertained. I defy you to watch this only once...

This may or may not have been a veiled attempt to have Klompus get bored and drunk one day and decide to sync this up with some KRS-1.

W-W-W-W-WICKED!!!

Wicked.

Mother-effin' Wicked!

Before I get to my review, let's get to the most important part. At intermission, I'm reading through the actors' bios and guess who's playing the Wizard? This guy...

Mother-effin' Larry! Awesome.

Okay Spoiler alert is in effect if you haven't seen it and plan to and I'm going to have to strongly suggest you make an effort.

Losers Of The Weekend

Kanye West Hates White People

I'm sure everyone except for maybe my brother has heard about Kanye's little stunt at the VMAs by now. It's a big deal because it gave like seventy of my facebook friends a chance to spew their moral indignation all over the joint and many other people the opportunity to state something painfully obvious but act like they were being enlightening. Yes, Kanye is an idiot. Kanye also sorta has a point though.

How the fuck does Beyonce' win "Best Video" but not "Best Female Video"? There's only two conclusions to be drawn here...

1. It's a stupid token award that means nothing and Taylor Swift shouldn't take herself so seriously.
2. Beyonce' has a penis.

I mean, as far as awards go, this is about as condescending as they come anyway, isn't it? Can we start calling Tyson Gay the best male sprinter on the planet?

Serena Hates Asian People

So she's serving to stay in her semi-final match at Flushing Meadows at 15-30 and foot-faults a second serve bringing it to 15-40 whereby she decides to threaten the line judge that had the audacity to enforce the rules of tennis resulting in a point penalty on match point and subsequently costing her the match. I hate this idea that anything goes on big points. I tip my hat to that little Asian woman and wouldn't ever want to see Chiles' girlfriend "shove a fucking ball up her ass."

Want to know the best way to avoid this happening to you if you ever happen to be in a US Open semi? Don't foot-fault! Everybody who picks up tennis should watch Boris Becker serve and just learn it. Becker would have never gotten called for a foot-fault because he doesn't move his feet and way too many players have to pull this shit with their back foot coming around and it's completely unnecessary. I offer her no points and may God have mercy on her soul.

Leodis McKelvin Hates His Knee

Seriously...that was retarded. Thankfully for him, it was only the second-most retarded thing from that game though...

Gisele is Bat Shit Insane

I saw this Vanity Fair article linked on Deadspin and I’m still not sure what sucked me in (possibly NSFW), but for some reason, I just had to click on it and skim through. As if you needed any more reasons to envy the Brady, for as ridiculously hot as she is this broad can really bring the crazy, and I think we know what that means.

“I understand that he has a mom, and I respect that, but to me it’s not like because somebody else delivered him, that’s not my child. I feel it is, 100 percent,” Gisele says. “I want him to have a great relationship with his mom, because that’s important, but I love him the same way as if he were mine. I already feel like he’s my son, from the first day.”

Ummm…no. It’s not like that at all.

Okay lady grievers, let’s say your cleft-chinned boyfriend knocks you up and immediately after decides to leave you for a supermodel. You’re publically humiliated but ready to go through nine months of pregnancy alone because in spite of the emptiness that he’s left you with, all you have left in this lonely world is this bastard child. Presumably, you already despise this woman because she lives in the same town, is the wife of your child’s father, and yet you’ve never met her. Then one day you pick up a VF with her hot naked ass plastered all over it and you read that despite that little “giving birth” thing that you went through, she feels that the child is 100% hers.

That’s gotta be pretty much enough to put someone in a straight jacket, no?