I've got news for you, man. You can't call yourself a true auteur of romantic scenarios if you're not taking your date to the zoo on Valentine's Day to watch animals fuck.
Seriously. This is happening in Pittsburgh. The city that learned to look the other way when its quarterback has sex with unwilling young women is going to spend a day watching elephants go ass-to-trunk instead. And they're paying $75 a ticket! This is a good idea?!
Dude with bushy moustache: "Hey sweetie. I put aside $150 for tickets for Valentine's Day."
Lady with weird 80's haircut: "Aw, that's so sweet. So we're going to a show?"
Dude with bushy moustache: "Absolutely. Only the best for my little cupcake."
Lady with weird 80's haircut: "Wait... is this like the time you took me to see Polamalu get his locker red up after the season? That wasn't very romantic."
Dude with bushy moustache: "Not quite that good. We're going to see watch orangutans performing oral on each other."
THIS IS FUCKING HAPPENING?!?!?