I can't even work up any snark over this. ABC News actually felt it was necessary to clarify to the public that the process by which the fine folks in Puxsutawney, PA determine the length of winter isn't necessarily scientificly legitimate. It's actually possible that when a groundhog sees it's shadow, upcoming temperatures may still have a chance to climb above average. Oh shit...there I go with the snark.
But as usual, there will always be those who deny the claims of honest research...
But don't tell that to the members of the Groundhog club's Inner Circle in Punxsutawney, Pa. "I would argue with the comments he doesn't have a great track record," Jon Johnston, Phil's "Chief Healthman" told ABCNews.com. "They're missing the point then. It's always winter somewhere."
Oh. Well it's always spring somewhere too. I'm confused...why are we doing this again?
I ask this because my wife is going to see some medium tonight which she often does. I love her to death but the woman just revels in her gullibility. Anyway...I'm guessing this doesn't need to be reiterated with the audience here at the Grieve but just so we're clear: psychics, mediums, faith-healers, mind-readers...it's all complete bullshit. They are not only charlatans but in most cases morally corrupt charlatans that lie to people who are at weak points in their lives. I mean seriously...if someone could really talk to the dead, couldn't they get some information more valuable than "He loves you and misses you" or "He's sorry he never got to say good bye." Like, what is that? That could apply to not anyone but just about everyone! How about asking them what's on the other side? Is there a God? What does he expect from us? Nope. We know how it's done...we know how cold-reading works...we could train an idiot to do it. Now, I'm guessing that this whole community would consider me an asshole for stating this and perhaps rightfully so but if you really wanted to shut people up, why not prove it under reasonal experimental conditions?
I've got news for you, man. You can't call yourself a true auteur of romantic scenarios if you're not taking your date to the zoo on Valentine's Day to watch animals fuck.
Seriously. This is happening in Pittsburgh. The city that learned to look the other way when its quarterback has sex with unwilling young women is going to spend a day watching elephants go ass-to-trunk instead. And they're paying $75 a ticket! This is a good idea?!
Dude with bushy moustache: "Hey sweetie. I put aside $150 for tickets for Valentine's Day."
Lady with weird 80's haircut: "Aw, that's so sweet. So we're going to a show?"
Dude with bushy moustache: "Absolutely. Only the best for my little cupcake."
Lady with weird 80's haircut: "Wait... is this like the time you took me to see Polamalu get his locker red up after the season? That wasn't very romantic."
Dude with bushy moustache: "Not quite that good. We're going to see watch orangutans performing oral on each other."
THIS IS FUCKING HAPPENING?!?!?
As rampant as it is, there are few things that grind my gears as much as this shit...
Here's how I interpret this...
I'm better than you. I'm simply a better person than you. I'm not better than you because of my actions or because I inspire anyone or anything or have ever even tried to advance my society in any positive way, shape, or form whatsoever. I'm better than you because I'm aware that children get cancer and I have the balls to post it on my Facebook wall. Look what I've done for all these poor children suffering! Look at the way I've touched their lives! Look at how much I've advanced scientific research in order to find a cure for this insidious disease! I took like 4 seconds out of my day to hit the share button on Facebook and
youryou're just too fucking cool for that, aren't you?
Seriously...what else could possibly be going through these peoples minds? Here's another particularly loathesome one...
Someone should make a Barbie with no hair so that every little girl fighting cancer feels beautiful!
Yeah, I did my part, assholes! Now would someone please get to work on this! I'll let Stuff White People Like take it from here. It's funny cause its true...
Here's some stoner from Oregon (of course) giving an interview about 15 hours after having his leg cut off by a train. On the surface of course, that sounds like it would be quite the traumatic experience. His reaction? A resounding..."Meh."
Why do we not have a "drugs" tag?
This can firmly be placed in the category of low-hanging fruit so I'll let you assholes make fun of Stanley here. I mean, I'm all for rejecting Taboo but REALLY??? FUCKING REALLY??? THIS IS A GOD DAMNED THING, STANLEY!!!
I once saw some pornography where some old hairy dudes were dressed like babies with pacifiers and everything in an oversized crib and proceeded to double-team the babysitter and I failed miserably to see how anyone could possibly be turned on by such a thing. With that being said, I understand, people have some weird-ass fantasies out there. Stanley here doesn't only cross that fantasy line...he flat out ignores it. The only time he's not a baby is when he goes to Home Depot to buy wood to make more baby shit?
If only there were some type of loophole in the justice system where we could proactively lock people up who haven't technically broken a crime...yet.
...I'm not saying that BFF is a liar and a scumbag. What I'm saying is that she's either a liar or a scumbag. Seriously ladies...the picture above of a 37 week pregnant women posing with one of the aliens from Close Encounters of the Third Kind aside...if you knew you were giving birth to a baby with Down's Syndrome that required significant post-natal care, would you actually proceed to take a 20 hour trip home after your water broke?
Anyway, just read this when you get a chance. Yes, as of this morning, I thought absolutely nohing of that ridiculous rumor and I know this isn't necessarily proof of a conspiracy but the question should be asked...why didn't the "liberal media" look into this at all? They spent three months vetting the shit out of this chick and nobody thought this was even remotely relevant?
Well hopefully The Donald will get "his men" out of Hawaii and up to Alaska to get to the bottom of this.
How the fuck did I not know about this? The U.S. Attorney General wrote and recorded a song and then performed it live to an actual audience? WTF? This could possibly be better than Drinking out of Cups! Shame on every last one of you for holding out on me like this!
Could possibly be the greatest thing I've ever seen. Harrison's 100 yard pick-6 in the Super Bowl is under some serious fire.
Back in April of 1986, when I was barely 11 years old, I was watching a riveting moustache-arrific episode of Jeopardy with my parents when Tom Brokaw broke into the telecast to tell us all that the United States had sent over an aerial attack on Libya. Now, at 11, I didn't know shit about Libya or anything for that matter, but I was jarred from such a thing. This was, after all, the first time in my life where the military of my country had acted in aggression toward another nation, and I admit, I freaked the fuck out.
A day later, I wrote a letter to then President Ronald Reagan, something to the effect of,
"Dear President Reagan. I'm freaking the fuck out, Mr. President. I'm 11. I don't like the idea of my potentially going to war. I know some history, and I know the last real conflict we had didn't end so hotsy-totsy, so, what the fuck are you thinking?"
(I am ignoring that little Grenada thingy in '83, because shit, that was like Michigan v. Appalacian State in football. Wait. Bad example. Let's go with Florida v. their first opponent every year instead.)
Anyway, I eventually did receive a letter in reply, rubber stamped of course, from the Office of the POTUS stating something along the lines of, "Thanks for the letter kid. You don't know shit. Here's a sticker." No lie. My dad has it saved somewhere in the archives of "Look at what my retarded kid wrote."
In retrospect, all the U.S. did back in '86 was send over two Cessna's and a hot air balloon, dropped a few bags of flaming dog poo on Tripoli and called it a day. But, again, what did I know.
Flash forward 25 years and here we are again. Libya. Ghadaffi. Bombs. Missiles. People yelling in gibberish. And still, for the life of me, I still don't know what the fuck is going on. And I will profess my ignorance of most things political and ask you, the writers of this AofG masterpiece and loyal readers, can somebody explain to me why we are doing it all over again?
Sure, I know that the fine folks of Libya are fed up with a douchebag dictator who looks like a bad perm victim from the 70's. I know they are fighting for their independence and release from this guy. So I ask, why are we fucking involved over there? Can't we as a nation just let shit happen according to their will? Because it seems to me that we did the same fucking thing say, oh, 230-ish years ago and nobody batted an eyelash over such a thing.
Help me. Dumb ass and all. Please.
Also, a few notes:
1. France is involved. France? Really? For the first time that I can recall, this is the first military action France has thrown their wine and croissant engorging ass into that didn't involve raising white flags, berets and hairy armpitted broads in the air saying "We Surrender!" What gives France? This is the equivalent of a number two seed being all bad ass against a 15 seed, acting like they should've been there all along. Jesus. You get against a high seed, France, and you buckle faster than a BYU co-eds chastity belt.
2. According to reports, as of 10:37pm EDT 3/19/11, the U.S. and U.K. launched somewhere in the vacinity of 112 cruise missiles and hit just 20 targets. That's a whopping 17.8% hit rate. Who the fuck did we become with that accuracy? LeBron James in the 4th quarter of any game with meaning? That's bullshit. Poland launched a donkey laced with an enema from a catapult on Libya and got a better result.
Anyway, like I said, enlighten me. Because after two wars in countries over what has been deemed God knows what, the last thing we as a country need is to get involved in some horse shit involving a camel humping dictator and people fighting for something worthwhile. Can't we, for once, sit back and say "fuck it?"
Or am I wrong?