The Airing of Grievances

So This Seems A Bit Extreme, No?

I have to admit...I had no idea what the hell SOPA and PIPA (Stop On-line Privacy Act & Pro-IP Act) were until this morning when I noticed a bunch of websites are shutting themselves down in protest. So I suppose that the intentions here are good ones as we are well aware that creators of all types of media frequently have their content viewed for free when it was not their intention. I may have even benefitted from this practice before. Hell...there are probably 50 youtube videos on this site alone that this applies to.

Of course the other side of this argument is that these people wouldn't be paying for this shit anyway and in many cases just the exposure will get you some good word of mouth and open up opportunities to make money where they previously wouldn't exist. Anyway, this has been an ongoing fight since the days of Napster and it certainly doesn't appear as if though online piracy is going anywhere. It's okay though, because apparently the government is going to fix it.

I'll do a far shittier job of explaining this than this video that I stole from Vimeo but on the surface; this a little scary...

 

I Hope You're Sitting Down

In this week's edition of News That Is Surprising to Exactly Nobody, Paula Deen came out of the pantry and revealed her secret life as a diabetic. 

I'm strongly tempted to do a Chiles-trademarked "that is all" here, but it's possible that you may be one of the 12 assholes I meet every month who tell me they don't watch TV and that, when they do, it's only the Walking Dead.

Paula Deen is a TV chef / famous southerner / gravy advocate. Everything she cooks comes with a light coating of Ronald McDonald's semen on it. You can't even attempt to make one of her recipes at home without wearing a pair of pants with an elastic band. Of course she's going to get diabetes. Of course.

I wish her well. Up next, "Tim Tebow is secretly gay" and "Mitt Romney is caught on video using the N-word a lot."

Dude, That Afghan Really Tied the Room Together

I'm sure we've heard about the dastardly Marines pissing on the Talibani corpses over in Afghanistan by now, right?  It's an outrage, says Ham Karzai.

"A presidential statement described the act as "completely inhumane" and called on the U.S. military to punish the Marines." 

Yes!  Fry those bastards!  This type of aggression won't stand, man.  Wait.  Did you say humanity?  Humanity as in "humane?" Ok, got it.  Now we're on the same pa-....um, you know we were trying to kill these Taliban, right?  "Kill," as in "make really, really dead with 50-caliber bullets and shit?" And "Taliban," as in "group that's been sawing off heads on camera ANNNNNND trying like hell to assassinate you for the last x amount of years?"  Yeah, you lost me again.  So maybe the Afghan Ministry of Defense can help put it in perspective...

The Afghan Ministry of Defense also condemned the actions in the video, which it described as "shocking."

Whoa, really?  Is the AMOD run by Quakers?  I'm gonna go WAY out on a limb and assume they've seen seen a lot of egregious shit in their lifetimes.  And I can't imagine the Mendoza line for "shocking" is set above pissing-on-dead-enemies.  Especially when you consider what passes for "Sports & Leisure" in their country.  So let's just ask the US Marines then:

Marine Corps headquarters at the Pentagon said: "The actions portrayed are not consistent with our core values and are not indicative of the character of the Marines in our Corps..."

Lemme ask you this, Marine Corps:  have you ever met a Marine?  You ever drink with a Marine?  See, there's kinda this stigma.  I'm not saying all.  But most. It comes from some level of truth.  Kinda how black people can't be silent in movie theaters, white people can't sit out the Electric Slide, and Asians can't pronounce "ice cream."  Marines can't refrain from debauchery.  They just can't.  It's not in their DNA. It's one of the things you either love or hate about them.  And they wouldn't be as effective without it.  But, we'll just keep doing the dance.  I won't even bother with quoting CAIR, because we already know what they're gonna say.

Look, I get it.  This is bad PR for the world's already adoring view of the US.  Our soldiers should know better (or at least know better than to record it).  But do we really need to stop the presses so every Stephanopoly can interview political and military groups while they feign indignation over something that is relatively so miniscule.  Come on, media.  I mean, isn't Tim Tebow playing this week?  Isn't the Casey Anthony overdose watch in full effect?  Don't we have a boring presidential election to beat like a dead horse  goat Talibani?

Health Benefits to Female Circumcision?

We've been hearing for decades from various monotheisms that taking a knife to a baby's penis and chopping off it's foreskin is all done in the name of cleanliness or something. Nothing to do with divine commandments at all...that's ludicrous. Did you know though that there are still some cults that deem it necessary to chop off little girls' clitori? (I'm not looking up the plural of clitoris...it's gotta be clitori)

Well, surely that can't be due to any sort of divine doctrine claiming to represent a particular version of a particular deity. There must be something in this for the kids, right? Well thankfully we now have our answers. Let's go to reknowned Islamic physician, Dr. Haamid al-Ghawaabi...

The secretions of the labia minora accumulate in uncircumcised women and turn rancid, so they develop an unpleasant odour which may lead to infections of the vagina or urethra. I have seen many cases of sickness caused by the lack of circumcision.

Circumcision reduces excessive sensitivity of the clitoris which may cause it to increase in size to 3 centimeters when aroused, which is very annoying to the husband, especially at the time of intercourse.

Another benefit of circumcision is that it prevents stimulation of the clitoris which makes it grow large in such a manner that it causes pain.

Circumcision prevents spasms of the clitoris which are a kind of inflammation.

Circumcision reduces excessive sexual desire.

Well there you have it ladies. If you haven't had it done yet, I'd head out right this second. For a little immediate gut-wrenching pain, you'll never again have to deal with that rancid smell of your vaginas, you'll alleviate those pesky sexual desires, and you'll stop making your partners uncomfortable with all your arousal and 3 centimeter long clitori. It's a no-brainer, really. Go. Chop, chop!

This Is Fucking Happening?!

Are you a romantic guy? Are you the sort of fellow that knows his way to a lady's heart?

I've got news for you, man. You can't call yourself a true auteur of romantic scenarios if you're not taking your date to the zoo on Valentine's Day to watch animals fuck.

Seriously. This is happening in Pittsburgh. The city that learned to look the other way when its quarterback has sex with unwilling young women is going to spend a day watching elephants go ass-to-trunk instead. And they're paying $75 a ticket! This is a good idea?!

Dude with bushy moustache: "Hey sweetie. I put aside $150 for tickets for Valentine's Day."
Lady with weird 80's haircut: "Aw, that's so sweet. So we're going to a show?"
Dude with bushy moustache: "Absolutely. Only the best for my little cupcake."
Lady with weird 80's haircut: "Wait... is this like the time you took me to see Polamalu get his locker red up after the season? That wasn't very romantic."
Dude with bushy moustache: "Not quite that good. We're going to see watch orangutans performing oral on each other."

THIS IS FUCKING HAPPENING?!?!?

Are We Still Allowed To Pick On Georgia, Here?

Look...I get it. Math is boring. I mean, it can be very exciting if you happen to be Stephen Hawking trying to figure out the exact size of the universe but the only drawback to that of course is that you'd be Stephen Hawking.

Unfortunately, if you're a third grader, solving 56/7 probably isn't going to advance civilization all that much and really won't be met with much fanfare at all. So of course we need to get creative with these kids to make math fun. For example...

Johnnie collects pet rocks. He collected 56 rocks over 7 days. How many rocks did he collect per day?

Suzie likes apples. If she eats 2 apples a day for 7 days, how many apples has she eaten.

See? It's very engaging. Now, let's take a look at how they might engage students in the official state of the AofG...

"Each tree had 56 oranges. If eight slaves pick them equally, then how much would each slave pick?"

"If Frederick got two beatings per day, how many beatings did he get in one week?"

Well...perhaps Frederick wouldn't get so many beatings if he would pick more than seven fucking oranges a day. Emmiright?

Okay...let's hear from a concerned parent...

"This outrages me because it just lets me know that there's still racists," said Stephanie Jones, whose child is a student at the school.

There you have it. Someone could have lived in Georgia their entire life without ever having to know that there are still racists. The end of innocence is upon us.

"Oh Come On...It Was a Great Game!"

 

Oh, sh-sh-sh-shut the fuck up. I don't care how great of a game it was. I am a Steelers fan. I want the Steelers to win. When they lose, I don't enjoy watching it. When they lose in a playoff game, I really don't enjoy watching it. When they lose like they did yesterday in a playoff game, it puts the lives of nearby kittens and small children at risk. So don't tell me it was a great game.

I don't care if the QB that went to the college you liked played very well for a team in a city that you've never been to. I don't care how entertaining it was. For me, the most entertaining Steeler games are the ones where they beat Cleveland 48-3. I like the Saints-Packers games and the Lions-Bears games of the world to entertain me. They can be thrilling as fuck. Matt Forte can heroically lead his team to victory, scoring the go-ahead touchdown with 58 seconds left, and I'll watch intently. Because I don't give the slightest darn who wins.

But the Steelers...that is the team that I am a fan of. So I want them to win games ugly. I don't want them to lose games pretty. So don't tell me how great that game was. BECAUSE IT SUCKED. Tim Tebow's team winning a wild card game in overtime does not show how great God's love is. Unless you believe that God hates Troy Polamalu and Ike Taylor. Why aren't you also saying this to other people who have watched their "team" lose?

- Hey, Germany...come on guys. It was a great war. You guys fought hard. Seriously, it looked like you had it there until the end. But I wouldn't go into Russia. May want to replace the coach if he's going to make decisions like that.

- NASCAR fans...come on guys. I know Earnhardt was killed there at the end but he was in 3rd place coming into the turn. That's a damn good performance. It really was a great race. Plus, his son was able to pick up second. You really can't ask for more. Except for maybe Earnhardt not dying.

- Taxpayers...come on! I know you are paying for banking bailouts and also for your own fuckawful mortgages but last fiscal season was AWESOME! Everybody was getting houses. BAM! House. POOF! Condos. Man, was that an exciting construction season. Sorry you lost your house, though.

- Hatians! Come on gu...nah, I'm joking.

But come the fuck on, friends. Don't tell me it was an exciting game. Or an awesome game. Or a Godly game. Or that it proved the critics wrong. Because I don't care. I DO. NOT. CARE. And everytime you mention something about the game, I'm going to Photoshop ejaculate onto a Denver Bronco.

Facebook Idiocy

As rampant as it is, there are few things that grind my gears as much as this shit...

Here's how I interpret this...

I'm better than you. I'm simply a better person than you. I'm not better than you because of my actions or because I inspire anyone or anything or have ever even tried to advance my society in any positive way, shape, or form whatsoever. I'm better than you because I'm aware that children get cancer and I have the balls to post it on my Facebook wall. Look what I've done for all these poor children suffering! Look at the way I've touched their lives! Look at how much I've advanced scientific research in order to find a cure for this insidious disease! I took like 4 seconds out of my day to hit the share button on Facebook and your you're just too fucking cool for that, aren't you?

Seriously...what else could possibly be going through these peoples minds? Here's another particularly loathesome one...

Someone should make a Barbie with no hair so that every little girl fighting cancer feels beautiful!

Yeah, I did my part, assholes! Now would someone please get to work on this! I'll let Stuff White People Like take it from here. It's funny cause its true...