The Airing of Grievances

Ray Lewis: Making It Too Easy

Ray Lewis is awesome. He's full of enthusiasm and is a great football player. He's an inspiration to young athletes everywhere and a testament to longevity in an unforgiving sport. He also, more than likely, killed a guy. Maybe two guys.

That said, Ray decided to go on TV recently and make the declaration that if there's no NFL football this year, crime will go up.

Also, from the article:

When asked why he thought crime would increase if the NFL doesn't play games this year, Lewis said: "There's nothing else to do Sal."

To be fair, Ray was simply relying on his years of criminology experience in the Baltimore PD and saying that, without football to watch, people would have more idle time, and in that listless diaspora away from our sports bars, our thoughts would inevitably turn to criminal behavior. Largely because we're a society of latent degenerates that kinda sorta want to stab each other, but lose motivation by the third quarter. And you're not at all projecting, Ray. Not a bit.

By the same logic, you can also expect to see an increase in pregnancies, better ratings for whatever else supposedly comes on TV Sundays (Heroes maybe?) and maybe an uptick in church attendance. But coming from a guy who's not guilty of murder, rather than innocent, it has a slight mafia vibe to it.

Like he's not saying anything, but maybe Roger Goodell's kids don't make it home from summer school one day. There's a lot of crazy people out there. These things happen. Maybe Roger's wife has an accident outside the beauty parlor and don't look so pretty no more. I don't know nothing. I'm just talking amongst friends.

Anyway - I just posted this because, between this and the Jesus freaks missing a Rapture, I'm sure Vandelay is too busy screaming at his walls.

Macho Man Dead

That just sucks. Really really sucks. Now, who's going to sell all these damned Slim Jims we've got laying around here? Leapin' Lanny Poffo?

 

Edit: Why not?

The Passion of the Rondo

Look, I would never have the audacity to even imply that Rajon Rondo isn't currently the most courageous man in the universe for attempting to play a basketball game with a hyper-extended elbow but can't we just maybe ease up on the hyperbole a little bit, guys. I mean, there are other people on the court doing some pretty impressive things. When the fuck did Marv and Reggie turn into Bill Russell and Tommy Heinsohn? The other night for instance, after Rondo cut through the middle and beat like three guys to give himself a wide-open lay-up on the left side of the hoop but layed it in with his right hand.

Reggie: OH MY GOD...I THOUGHT HE WAS GONNA LAY THAT IN WITH HIS LEFT HAND!!!!

Ummm...did you happen to see him cross-over dribble to his left hand perfectly and without even flinching just to get to the hoop that quickly, Reg? Furthermore, what was with the trainers carrying Rondo off the court after that happened? He had a dislocated elbow...not a knee! Do we really need to feed into the victim complex of the Boston sports fan anymore than it already has been? Have we not learned anything from Pierce's bullshit drama? I'd think as a fanbase, you'd eventually get to a point where you cease eating this shit up but...nope.

Of course, I'm not saying that Rondo is faking his injury, but maybe we can stop acting like he just ejaculated the second coming of Christ. Deal?

Ugh

After last week's Republican Debate, Fox news had a focus group with a bunch of Republican South Carolinians and you're not gonna believe this, but they all think BHO is a socialist. No...really. Now I can guarantee you that none of these people have any idea what a socialist is and they all probably think it's the same as a communist or a facist but we've come to expect this from Fox News. What happens next when they are asked why they think he's a socialist is where it gets particularly cringe-worthy.

It's not even so much the answer (which isn't even an answer) but how the fuck do these retards even accept that as a legitimate attempt at humor? Why are there people out there this retarded? Why? We have more fucking information at our disposal right now than at any time in history and all it's done is make us dumber. Why?

Hey maybe I'll just ask Joe the Plumber. OHHHHH SNAP!!!! BOOM!!!! POW!!!! WHAT UP?

Ugh.

Best. Painting. Ever.

This might be the first and probably the last time I will ever use the "Art" tag. So real quick, some dude that hates socialism and can work a brush recently pulled all of his art from the BYU bookstore after the bookstore took this painting off the shelves due to some hippy douchebags whining about the secularism of the Constitution or some shit. John McNaughton (the artist/real American) was all like "Fine, you motherfuckers don't think the Constitution was divinely inspired? I forbid you from buying my art! Ha!" Okay enough of that...let's get to the painting.

So I suppose this is the rapture we've all been hearing about for so long and it's taking place right in front of the Capitol and the Supreme Court! JC brought a bunch of dead people with him and then among the living, the ones he likes are on his right and the liberal scum on his left are I suppose about to be laid to waste. It looks like all the forefathers made the cut so that's good...even though you got guys like Jefferson, Franklin, and Payne in there who were basically atheists. Jefferson hated God so much that he made a bible omitting everything about God! I dont know what the fuck Honest Abe is doing there but he looks like Al Jolson, doesn't he? Apparently, Christa McAuliffe even made the cut (she looks good!).

The greatest part about this painting though is that you can go to the site and scroll over any part of the painting where McNaughton will provide for you a description of what each figure represents. For example, see the guy sitting to the Jewish Zombie's left on the top step with the glasses?

"College Professor - He tightly holds his Origin of Species book by Charles Darwin. This represents the liberal left's control of our education system. His smug expression describes the attitude of many of the education elite. There is no room for God in education. There is contempt for any other viewpoints. Humanism dominates the educational system of America and I believe that is wrong. Notice that he is the only one sitting at the top step. He tries to place himself on equal footing with God, but he is still nothing next to the intelligence of the Creator."

By the way, the BFF-looking chick on his right with the books is a school teacher. School teacher = good. College Professor = Bad. Also, you'll notice a dark figure to the left of the liberal professor...that's Satan. Yup...Satan even showed up to this theocratical orgy! So your assignment for today is to go to the site and learn as much as you can about this moment in history that hasn't happened yet because it's coming, baby! Oh, and after that, check out "The Forgotten Man." So great. Abe's fucking pissed!!!

Anyway, you can purchase a print for like 900 bucks so start saving. If this isn't hanging behind my bar in an ironic fashion by the end of the summer, I'm clearly not trying hard enough.

Infantilism, Anyone?

This can firmly be placed in the category of low-hanging fruit so I'll let you assholes make fun of Stanley here. I mean, I'm all for rejecting Taboo but REALLY??? FUCKING REALLY??? THIS IS A GOD DAMNED THING, STANLEY!!!

I once saw some pornography where some old hairy dudes were dressed like babies with pacifiers and everything in an oversized crib and proceeded to double-team the babysitter and I failed miserably to see how anyone could possibly be turned on by such a thing. With that being said, I understand, people have some weird-ass fantasies out there. Stanley here doesn't only cross that fantasy line...he flat out ignores it. The only time he's not a baby is when he goes to Home Depot to buy wood to make more baby shit?

If only there were some type of loophole in the justice system where we could proactively lock people up who haven't technically broken a crime...yet.

Wait, What?

I read about this press conference last week and forgot to follow up on it. Better to have the genius of Norm MacDonald highlighting it anyway. Normally when you read about something like this, you think it's gotta be exaggerated. It couldn't have happened, right? Not with Gloria Allred involved. I hope these greedy douchebag parents are happy they were able to humiliate their kids on a national stage.

On an aside, aren't the parents paying Allred to represent them?  Why does the dad (Justin) play the part of the coital receptor in the demonstration?  You'd think if he was going to volunteer to be part of the puppet show, he'd at least take the dominant role. Then again, maybe it's symbolic of the attorney-client relationship.  At the very least, it supports McDowell's original theory on Justin.

If Justin has any friends, I hope they fuckin' taunt the living shit out of him until the day he dies.

Double whiskey to Big Al B. for sending this link.

More Like "Beeyatch"-ification, Emmiright?

Swallowed up by the news of a royal wedding and the death of a mad man this weekend was the beatification of his holy highness, Pope John Paul II in front of 1.5 million of his closest fans. I don’t even understand the intricacies of this process by whereby people are made into saints. Canonization…beatification…sainthood…Greek. I do know that it’s a very long drawn out process and an expensive one at that only done for the sake of being able to say “This person was better than you.” Just another example among many that point to this shit being completely void of anything resembling humility. PJP-II himself beatified 1,338 dead people in his 27 years with that authority. Along with that authority of course comes the authority to certify a miracle and proof that you performed a miracle after you died is required for beatification.

So under this guy’s watch, we saw what may have been the biggest RCC scandal in centuries as thousands upon thousands of children were molested and raped in a sick fashion by people who were provided authority over them supposedly from God. This we know. It’s not up for debate. Throw in the condemnation of contraceptives and the spread of AIDS and poverty, the oppression of women and homosexuals, and the complete disdain for anyone who didn’t accept Christ as their savior…for anyone who may have been born into something different or simply wanted to be accountable for their own sins…and it’s clear that you have to question the sainthood of this man, immediately. If you believe in such things as he did, you should even argue that his fate should lie well in the other direction.

Osama Bin Laden

More like "Osama Bin La-Dead", emmiright? I was hoping to share some words on the disgusting beatification of the PJP-II today but apparently that story has been trumped. I have nothing to say that anybody hasn't. It's very emotional and stirs up memories of that day almost ten years ago when because of this man people found themselves having to make a decision whether to die by being burned alive or jumping out of a window 80 floors above the concrete. Mad props to the intelligence community and the military and one awesome Navy Seal that shouldn't have to buy his own drink for the rest of his life.