Alright fools. This is Newman speaking. I’m now blocked from the AofG. Soon I’ll likely be blocked from Word and I’ll have to type these up in Notepad, print them out and fax them to Vandelay. But it will not stop me from occasionally wasting mine and everyone else’s time with pointless posts. First up is a mock NFL draft!
Why? Because everyone does them and I WANT IN. Sure, I’ve never heard of some of these first round picks until a few weeks ago. But who the fuck cares? I have sources on every team and I may as well use them. So let’s get to work.
ONE. CAROLINA PANTHERS – CAM NEWTON, QB
I have to type one because Microsoft Word is stupid and no matter how many times I tell it not to go into numbered list mode it does it anyway. But we aren’t here to debate with the paperclip. We’re here to predict who goes number one in the draft…and my sources say Cam Newton. My sources on this one were Google and ESPN.
Newton looks like a black Tebow, which is good minus the black part, and he is far ahead of Tebow as a throwing quarterback. However, I continually read accounts of his fake smile and that is something that I will NOT tolerate out of my starting quarterback. You have to smile like you fucking mean it, man! I’m supposed to watch my QB throw touchdowns while fake smiling like he’s laughing at one of Dennis Miller’s jokes? Not on my watch. However, I’m not the Panther GM and I cannot speak for him. Newton is also very versatile as numerous sources say he’ll help the Panthers sell tickets, however, I think that position would best be filled by minimum wage employees while Cam focuses on football and emotion.
2. DENVER BRONCOS – MARCELL DAREUS, DT
Josh McDaniels is out, so I would look for the Broncos to stop drafting like retards. Seriously, that guy couldn’t draft his way into Vietnam. The Broncos have horrible defensive linemen to go with their subpar LBs and ok secondary. Just happens that a very solid DT prospect is available at number 2. Putting 2 and 2 together and getting 4, I’m sending Dareus to Denver. However, the Broncos may forget to carry the one and end up drafting Colin Kaepernick or something.
Dareus has better measurables than Nick Fairley, he was not a one-year wonder, and he’s not a crazyperson, so I think that he will be the choice. My sorcerers back me up.
3. BUFFALO BILLS – VON MILLER, OLB
I’m tempted to put Blaine Gabbert here because the Bills are another team that fellates wang at drafting, but everywhere I look, people have the Bills taking Miller. This is almost singularly due to Aaron Maybin’s steadfast refusal to not suck at football. And it should be, as Ryan Fitzpatrick is pretty good in my opinion. Chan Gailey has been in the news recently singling out Maybin and his suckitude and he isn’t the only one that noticed. I don’t think anybody thought Maybin was worth the 12th pick when they took him, but whatever, it’s Buffalo. Maybe they’ll get it right this time. Miller is not only a beast athletically in shorts and tight shirts, he also plays like one (look him up, he’s pretty good). However, look for him to be a huge bust and force the Bills to draft another pass rusher next season. Or maybe they’ll take Vontaze Burfict. Seriously, look up Burfict on Youtube. If he busts out in the NFL then I quit.
4. CINCINNATI BENGALS – BLAINE GABBERT, QB
Most sites have the Bengals taking AJ Green, but he’s not criminal enough! Jk, that joke is so played out that Jeff George won’t even sign with it. Remember when the Bengals were criminals? That was also coincidentally (or ironically if you’re retarded) when they were good at football. Then they cleaned themselves up and charactered their way to a 4-11-1 finish. Then they started acquiring criminals like Ced Benson and Rey Maualuga and they were good again. Then they signed the thallium cocktail that is Terrell Owens and they sucked. Whatever. Back on subject here, my source is the Bengals depth chart behind Carson Palmer. All that they have are little brother Jordan Palmer and Dan LeFevour. If you were fortunate enough to witness LeFevour’s play for the preseason Bears, you wouldn’t have recognized what you were watching, mainly because you were expecting to see an NFL player at QB. I don’t think Carson Palmer is coming back and no way in hell are the Bengals gonna roll with that at QB. With no free agency (well…kind of at this point although it would make huge sense for the Bengals to try and snatch a veteran on the cheap or make a quick trade of Palmer before the draft…COLLUSION!) , the striped douchebags may be stuck.
Blaine Gabbert is going high because it’s 2011 and he’s kinda fast. That’s it. Any other year and he goes 12th round.
5. ARIZONA CARDINALS – AJ GREEN, WR
The Cardinals need a QB (obviously, they went from first to abysmal last season on that alone), but there’s no way they can take one here if Gabbert’s gone. Well, I mean…they can, but I don’t think they would. Based on my main source (the internet again), it looks like they wouldn’t take Gabbert either. Could that be based partly upon keeping Larry Fitzjizzy happy? Probably. He wants to win and doesn’t want a rookie QB throwing to him or Derek Anderson nearly getting him killed every weekend. One area in which a rookie could help Fitzgerald is by playing awesome at the other WR position and AJ Green is just that. He’s not the physical specimen that Julio Jones is, but the man catches EVERYTHING. He’s insane. Just check out the Georgia-Auburn game from this past season…AJ Green was their offense. Saying he isn’t Jones doesn’t suggest he’s a slouch, it’s just that Julio Jones is on another planet athletically. Green is still on Earth although barely. Derek Anderson will have him paralyzed by week 4. If there is a week 4.
Yeah, I’m forecasting trades too because I’m sweet and everybody else sucks. My sources (Mike Holmgren in the national media) have said that Cleveland is looking to trade out of this spot and I think they do, because someone’s going to want Patrick Peterson. I’m sure the Browns want both Julio Jones and Patrick Peterson, but if someone offers them enough, I think they take it and hope that Jones lasts. Who needs help and picks close behind them?
6. DALLAS COWBOYS (via CLEVELAND BROWNS) – PATRICK PETERSON, CB
All indications are that Peterson is awesome and a once-in-a-decade prospect at CB (don’t get all Darelle Revis on me, no one expected him to be the best cornerback in the world when he was selected). All indications are that Dallas defends against the pass like Bristol Palin defends against the erect penis. So why would Dallas sit back and watch the top two CBs go right in front of them when they can give up a little bit to a willing partner and get in position themselves? THEY WOULDN’T, THAT’S WHY! So they do it. Maybe they give Cleveland a 2nd or 3rd as well. The Browns need more picks that they can blow and Dallas likes to make splashes. They traded up last year to snatch Dez “Moneybags” Bryant, and I think they do it again. Peterson is awesome and fills a need in Dallas (that need being “defense”). Their line sucks too but linemen are fat and not splashy (when they aren’t jumping into pools), so they won’t draft one here. Make me look smart, Dallas. Make me look smart. Also, none of you look like steers.
7. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS – PRINCE AMUKUMARA, CB
San Francisco actually doesn’t seem to have any glaring needs, but they don’t really seem to have many positions set, either. They have a nice young OL (they’ve drafted OL high in the past years and seemed to have hit on the picks), Jim Harbaugh seems to want to give Alex Smith a chance and I agree as Smith is 27 and has shown flashes and is worth one more year over blowing a high pick on Jake Locker, the LBs are ok on both sides of the monster Patrick Willis, and the DL looks good to me. They need some help at WR outside of Crabtree and they could use some secondary help. The reason I’m going CB over WR here is because Nate Clements not very good (neither is Shawntae Spencer although he destroyed me in the long jump back in high school) and is being paid like a damn superstar. I think that the Niners would love to cut his expensive ass and plug in a guy like Amukumara, who many are saying is only a step behind Peterson in awesomeness. Others, however, say he may have to play safety in the NFL. I’m going to dismiss them as HATERZZZZ and send Prince to the 49ers. Julio Jones could be in play because Ted Ginn Jr. is their second best receiver and he couldn’t catch a bullet in Libya, but I think they go with the corner here. I’m second guessing myself now based on the Alex Smith situation and if I think about this any harder I’m gonna change my mind and I hate to do that. Maybe they’ll trade up with Cleveland to ensure they grab Peterson. Guhhhhh next.
8. TENNESSEE TITANS – THIS IS A TOUGH ONE
Ok. Where do the Titans go here? There are two possibilities in my mind…Julio Jones and Jake Locker. If you were drafting Best Player Available, you take three seconds to fill out “JULIO JONES” on your card and hand it to the commish. But, you guys have it easy as your quarterback is not named Rusty Smith. With no free agency in which to sign a vet QB (like, maybe, Vince Young), I think the Titans hand is forced here. If Kenny Britt weren’t apparently determined to become a career criminal, I’d think it would make it easier to go QB. So it’s a tough decision. But as much as I’d like to predict Cleveland getting the shaft, I think the Titans situation forces them to make the quixotic selection of:
8. TENNESSEE TITANS – JAKE LOCKER, “QB”
Jake Locksucker, QB. Jake Locker does not play like an NFL QB. He’s Tim Tebow redux, maybe with a tad more athleticism. But Tebow may have been more accurate, which is awful to have to type about a human being that has feelings. Locker is a sick athlete but NFL teams don’t employ “athletes” at QB, they use QBs that happen to be athletic. Vince Young is probably a far more polished passer than Locker (but I’d say less athletic). I don’t think Locker will justify this selection, but what do I know.
(Answer: Not very much but I try)
9. CLEVELAND BROWNS (via DALLAS COWBOYS) – JULIO JONES, WR
Easy choice. I don’t think Colt McCoy is the answer, but the fact remains that he might be, he’s better than anything they’ve had in awhile and he deserves a year to show it. I mainly just typed that because there is no real QB option here…if there were he’d be drafted by the Browns at #6 and Colt McCoy would be asked to go and fuck himself. But, alas, there is no option here at QB so you might as well take a ridiculous athlete who can also play football very well and give Colt some bullets to put in his gay little gun. The Browns have a great OL, good RBs, a decent young secondary, but lack in the defensive front 7 and at WR. I think they have to take the WR here (although there are good DL available here, albeit with question marks) mainly because I think that Jones would also make Mohammed Massaquoi good. He’s shown flashes but they really have nobody else at the position and so you could look at this as killing two birds with one stone. But fuck you for needlessly killing birds.
10. WASHINGTON REDSKINS – GUHHHH ROBERT QUINN, DE
I hate this spot and I hate this team. That’s assuming I were the Redskins, because I would hate the spot I’m picking in and hate myself because I’m a ‘Skin. Seriously, how can this team have so many holes? Their roster is almost entirely godawful. It’s barren. Motherfucking BARREN. They have Donovan McNabb’s ghost playing QB and he’s gonna get cut because he gets something like $13 million on day six of the league year. What were they thinking doing that to his contract? Their top QB is going to be Rex Grossman. John Beck is still employed as his backup. Their top signed receiver is a guy named Anthony Armstrong. Their O-Line blows. Their running backs are terrible. Their defensive line is passable. The linebackers are ok but could use work. Their secondary is not good. They suck. Suck, suck suck suck suck. So I don’t know who to give them. I called up my sources (who in this case happened to be WalterFootball.com’s mock draft) and saw that they were being awarded Robert Quinn. I’ll go with it. I agree with their reasoning…outside of Orakpo, no one had more than 2.5 sacks last year for the Skins. That is awesome. Sacks don’t really measure pressure but still, that can’t be good. So I guess they’ll take a guy who didn’t play at all last year due to suspension and try to make him 3-4 OLB. Whatever. If they wouldn’t have just drafted Trent Williams the year before, I think they take Tyron Smith here. But, alas, they get fucked and have to take this question mark from UNC. If they ran a 4-3 I’d put Nick Fairley or Da’Quan Bowers here but they don’t so fuck them. Another year of 6-10 for Washington, coming right up!
11. HOUSTON TEXANS – NICK FAIRLEY, DT
The Texans defense sucks. Harder than Jenna Jameson. They need DL, they need LBs, they need CBs, they need S-es. That’s safeties, not snakes. So I’ll reach into a hat and pull out Nick Fairley’s name. Fairley was in the running for top pick overall according to all of you guys’ sources as recently as a few weeks ago, but my sources are better and knew all along that he’d drop like he was hot. I think the Texans pounce on him here, unless like Bowers more. I don’t think they do since Bowers apparently has the knees of a 63 year old retired prostitute. Fairley has his issues as he is as mentioned before a crazyperson and he was really a nobody before this past year. But he played like a man possessed all season so the potential is there. We’ll see how much he cares after he cashes those checks and start’s buying Dez Bryant’s jewelry.
12. MINNESOTA VIKINGS – RYAN MALLET, QB
The Vikings need a QB. They also need some offensive linemen and some younger defenders but they really need a QB. Tavares McJackson or whatever his name is isn’t the answer and I don’t think Joe Webb is either. Ryan Mallet has the arm that you look for in the NFL however, he abuses crystal meth and there are concerns about his leadership and character. However, as Warren Moon correctly pointed out, we wouldn’t be asking these questions of Mallet if he were a white QB. Look for the Vikings to look past race and select Mallet while crossing their fingers and hoping for the best. Mallet looks funny but I don’t think that will be held against him.
13. DETROIT LIONS – TYRON SMITH, OT
Matt Stafford has been close to death in each of the past two seasons, and much of that is because his offensive line is made up of construction workers from the nearby area. If Tyron Smith falls, the Lions will take him. Tyron Smith is a beast. He’s athletic as fuck and while he’s a bit undersized for defensive line let alone left tackle, Denver seemed to get along just fine 10 years ago with quick, undersized linemen. Smith is strong and athletic and plays a position of dire need and will hate his life because he has to move to Detroit but at least he’ll get to say he plays in the NFL. If Smith is gone, the Lions could draft just about anyone else here because they suck at most positions.
14. ST. LOUIS RAMS – JIMMY SMITH, CB
Ok, I know Jimmy Smith is a drug addict but hear me out.
The Rams are awful. They are worse than the Lions on paper. And possibly worse than the Redskins. They got to where they did last season based on Sam Bradford, a poor decision and some luck. They had one legit NFL WR in Danario Alexander and his legs are made out of kindling and I don’t even see him on the roster. Which makes sense as I think he had a one-year contract as an undrafted player. They need an RB behind Steven Jackson but there’s no one worth taking here and you can get RBs in the 20th round. Their OL bookends are solid and the interior line isn’t terrible so I don’t think they’ll take Pouncey here. Although they might if they had a solid defense. The problem is that their defense sucks, especially in the secondary. The DL is passable on the outsides but could use some interior help, the LBs are ok (Laurinaitis has surprised me by actually being pretty good at things other than being the child of a wrestler and going to Ohio State, namely football) but the secondary blows goatdick. Like serious, oversized curlygoathaired goatdick. The kind of goatdick that your grandparents warned you about. Their best player, easily, was OJ Atogwe. They cut him because his salary was a little high but mainly because they are idiots. The only player left that I’ve heard of is Ron Bartell. Justin King isn’t listed on the roster so he must be a free agent but he is not an NFL starting CB. Jimmy Smith failed tests in college for codeine (yes, fucking codeine), he has children and he’s kinda rapey I think (I forget his exact transgressions). But the fact remains that he’s an animal and St. Louis lacks animals (Laurinaitis’ dad doesn’t count). I think St. Louis “reaches” and selects him in the spot he’d probably go in if he weren’t always busy failing drug tests. Big risk but they suck this badly in the secondary and no other player is worthy of this selection.
15. MIAMI DOLPHINS – THEY HAVE TO TRADE THIS PICK
But with who? I hear on the radio that the Dolphins are projected to draft either Mark Ingram or Andy Dalton (?!?!?!) with this pick, to which I respond with ehhhh and LOLOLOLOLOL respectively. Seriously? Andy Dalton? For real? This isn’t a joke? The Dolphins have perhaps the blandest roster in the league so they could go anywhere and also justify not picking somewhere. Seriously, is any team more “ok” at every position than Miami? They are making blasé an art form. They will actually need an RB when their two guys leave but I consider RB the 1st, 2nd and 4th most fungible position in football and they can find somebody later without taking Ingram now. Why Dalton? You don’t know Dolphin fans. They are in a frenzy to find the next Dan Marino and they already hate Henne. If Mallet were available here? I think they take him. Locker? Maybe. If I were them I’d go after Vince Young. Do I give them the BPA or trade? Would the Steelers trade into this spot for Pouncey’s brother? I sure hope not, that would be a lot to give up to overdraft a guard. I’ll give them the BPA at a position of somewhat need.
15. MIAMI DOLPHINS – JJ WATT, DE
The Dolphins run a 3-4 defense. The linebackers are passable outside of Cameron Wake who is a stud. The cornerbacks are young and pretty good and I think they’ll continue to develop into good players. No safeties are available that would merit the 15th pick (if it were last year I think an Earl Thomas would be a prime target but it’s not so stop thinking about that you idiots). I like Paul Soliai at DT, he’s a decent player. I don’t think the 3-4 DEs that they have are awful but they aren’t Aaron Smith or Richard Seymour and JJ Watt might be. 3-4 DE is a hard position to fill so I think if a guy like Watt drops you take him and hope that you’ve struck gold. The Dolphins hope not to once again make a misphortunate drapht pick. If they take Andy Dalton you can find me locked in my room laughing for the next 30 minutes.
16. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS – RYAN KERRIGAN, DE DA’QUAN BOWERS, DE
Another typically bland Florida roster (between Miami, Tampa and Jacksonville, you could build the most boring 9-7 team in NFL history, but at least Tampa’s adding some flash). I have no idea who to give them so once again I’ll steal from the first Google result for 2011 Mock Draft again (this WalterFootball place…who the fuck is Walter?) and gives them Kerrigan. Looking at their roster, they really do need some help at DE, allthough Austen Lane isn’t exactly awful. If secondary or linebacker help were available I’d go there but there seems to be a huge glut of defensive linemen in this draft. Jacksonville has been building up the O-Line in recent years so I’ll stay on the D-Line. Thanks, Google.
EDIT: No way, Da’Quan Bowers. You’ll see if you get to number 18. Bowers has some issues but he’s so far above Kerrigan athletically that I think Jacksonville might take a chance on him here. He was a potential top pick before the flags came up so fucking gamble, you bland fucking cats!
17. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS – CAMERON JORDAN, DE
The Gaytriots do not have many holes, but they do have a few. Unfortunately, the biggest ones are at WR and RB, where there is no one worth taking here. You could say Ingram but I’d hate to use a top 20-pick on a guy like that. The next best WR is Jonathan Baldwin although he’d be a reach and New England can probably get him at 28. There are also a few holes on the young defense, and one of them happens to be at Left DE. The Patriots run a 3-4, as did Cameron Jordan in college, making this an easy pick in my book. See the Dolphins at 15 if you forget why I’m so gay for 3-4 DEs.
18. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS – NO IDEA
Guhhh, the Chargers. I’d give them Aldon Smith here but they just spent an ill-advised top 15-pick on OLB Larry English a few years back and while he’s sucked, I don’t know if they are ready to draft high at the position again. The secondary is pretty solid although Quentin Jammer is getting up there in years, but there’s no CB worth selecting here. They could use a WR but there isn’t much at that spot either. OT could be a choice. So could DL but Da’Quan Bowers isn’t a 3-4 DE and, well, they run a 4-3. You know what? Fuck it. They’ll take him.
18. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS – DA’QUAN BOWERS, DE
He’s broken already and he’d probably be tired if he had to type this himself, but his film doesn’t lie. He’s pretty beastly on the field. Can he play DE in a 3-4? Probably not, but what do I know? Nothing because I’m not a scout. I’m just a guy with a job that gets bored and looks this stuff up on the internet. And I just looked it up. And I don’t see any mention of Bowers as a potential 3-4 DE. So back to the drawing board.
18. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS – NOT DA’QUAN BOWERS
Actually…why didn’t Jacksonville take Bowers? Fuck this. (Editing pick 16)
Ok. San Diego needs a tackle, there are tackles available.
18. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS – GABE CARIMI, OT
Wisconsin mauled people and ran all over them last year. Carimi can try to open holes in San Diego that Ryan Matthews won’t find.
19. NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS – ALDON SMITH, OLB
The Giants have been stocking up on D-Line talent like crazy people stocked up on canned peas before Y2K. Which sucks because this is the year of the D-Lineman. But they could use some explosiveness at LB, and that’s where this random guy that I had never heard of and picked off of a list plays. That’s all I really have to say about him because I just found out that he exists.
20. TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS – RYAN KERRIGAN, DE
I looked at Buc sites asked my sources and they say that the Bucs will go DE. Since I just put Ryan Kerrigan back in the draft, the Bucs will take him here. He’s not the best athlete in the world but he has a great motor, he has awesome intangibles, he helps old ladies cross the street, he’s smart, he’s got high character and he’s got kilograms worth of heart. Yes, he’s a white guy.
21. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS – NATE SOLDER, OT
For an 11-5 or 10-6 or whatever team, the Chiefs employ a good amount of suck (just like the Bucs). One area of extreme, flashing neon suck is the offensive line. Nate Solder is going to be a bust in my opinion, but he’s been running very well in straight lines in front of dudes in stop watches and he’s nimble and he pushed over a scout that was holding a blocking dummy on Youtube. So I think he’s the pick here. The Chiefs could maybe afford to blow yet another first round selection on a 3-4 DE if one drops because they’re the Chiefs and that’s what they do.
22. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS – ANTHONY CASTONZO, OT
These retards said they were going to take Rodger Saffold last year and then they passed on him to take DE Jerry Hughes. Saffold has turned out to be an excellent pick at left tackle for the Rams. Hughes meanwhile is struggling. He’s in Strugglecity. The Colts probably won’t repeat that mistake because their line straight-up fellates, son! Castonzo is rated highly so they’ll pick him. He’ll block, he’ll dance, he does it all.
23. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES – COREY LIUGET, DT
The Eagles need a DT and I picked a guy off a list again. I have no idea who this dude is, what he likes to do in his free time, what his favorite colors are, how many dicks he’s sucked for coke or how good he is at football. However, being high on a list, I imagine he’s pretty good so he’ll go to Philadelphia and get pelted with disposable razor blades.
24. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS – SOME GUY
There really aren’t any LB or CB available in this draft, it seems. So I don’t know where to go for New Orleans, either. Looks like they could use a DT. Let’s go with another linemen that was suspended for all of last year!
24. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS – MARVIN AUSTIN, DT
Man, UNC could have been really good this past year. There’s really nobody left so I’m basically completely relegated to picking off of lists at this point. I think the Saints could use an infusion of talent on the defensive line and this guy plays on the defensive line.
25. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS – COLIN KAEPERNICK, QB
Let’s get fucking crazy! Seattle seems determined to let Matt Hasselbeck go. Charlie Whitehurst seemed determined to not be good at QB last season. Colin Kaepernick is fast as hell and has possibly the strongest arm in the draft. I don’t think it’s that crazy. Why overdraft Christian Ponder or Andy Dalton when you can overdraft someone who may actually develop into something? I was thinking about putting Jonathan Baldwin here to give Whitehurst another target but then I caught myself saying “give Whitehurst another target” and wondered why I said the name Whitehurst in regards to an NFL starting quarterback. Let Whitehurst fuck around for a few weeks and then put Kaepernick in there and tell him to do his thing. This won’t happen but neither will my rap career and that doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to dream.
26. BALTIMORE RAVENS – MIKE POUNCEY, C/G
Just to be dicks. I don’t know if this is really a need for them but I could see it happening to keep the Steelers from doing this. I probably would have had the Steelers trade up with another team but work things kept popping up and I’ve been distracted in finishing this up. Baltimore doesn’t have many glaring needs (they could use some secondary help) soooooo whatevs.
27. ATLANTA FALCONS – JONATHAN BALDWIN, WR
The Falcons don’t have many holes (maybe at safety so I guess Aaron Williams is a possibility but I don’t think a team would pick a guy like that and then just hope he can make the transition) but their offense could use another baller at WR and maybe Baldwin has decided to stop being a tremendous douchebag.
Baldwin was really good, then he came down a notch along with the rest of the Pitt offense, and he publically blamed it on the QB BEFORE THE FUCKING BOWL GAME. Not that the QB didn’t suck but that’s a douche move in any culture. Look for Baldwin to tell Matt Ryan that he sucks.
28. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS – MARK INGRAM, RB
I’ve seen it in too many places, they could use a big-time RB, there’s really not a WR available here that merits the pick, and I can accept putting Ingram this early even though I’m not that high on him. Hopefully I’m right because he’s going to the Patriots in this scenario and everybody that likes them also likes the proliferation of AIDS.
29. CHICAGO BEARS – DEREK SHERROD, OT
The Bears OL is such garbage that I’m automatically making them reach for the best OT available. According to some guy named Gosselin and his list, the best OT available is Derek Sherrod from a small vocational school named Mississippi State University. Jay Cutler will hopefully survive for one more season.
30. NEW YORK COCKSUCKING JETS – PHIL TAYLOR, DT
I’m getting tired so I’m just copying this one and you can blow me. The Jets need a version of Vernon Gholston that doesn’t suck but there isn’t one available to be selected this high. I read that they need a 3-4 DT and Phil Taylor is a 3-4 DT and even though his feet are growing together into one foot or something like that he may be able to squeeze enough years out of it to justify a first round selection.
31. PITTSBURGH STEELERS – CAMERON HEYWARD, DE
I can’t put Aaron Williams here. They can take a corner later. I forgot that I didn’t make anyone draft Heyward yet so I’ll put him here because he might be awesome at 3-4 end and everybody that the Steelers have on the D-Line outside of Zigfred Hood is old enough to remember the fact that Chester Alan Arthur may not have been born in this country. Heyward is monstrous and will tackle a lot of people. I’m so bored that I have to stop.
32. GREEN BAY PACKERS – MIKEL LASHORE, RB
I looked at another draft and it said this. I don’t know who he is and I don’t care. Can I go home now?