The Airing of Grievances

The Official 2011 AofG Mock Draft

Alright fools. This is Newman speaking. I’m now blocked from the AofG. Soon I’ll likely be blocked from Word and I’ll have to type these up in Notepad, print them out and fax them to Vandelay. But it will not stop me from occasionally wasting mine and everyone else’s time with pointless posts. First up is a mock NFL draft!
Why? Because everyone does them and I WANT IN. Sure, I’ve never heard of some of these first round picks until a few weeks ago. But who the fuck cares? I have sources on every team and I may as well use them. So let’s get to work.

ONE. CAROLINA PANTHERS – CAM NEWTON, QB
I have to type one because Microsoft Word is stupid and no matter how many times I tell it not to go into numbered list mode it does it anyway. But we aren’t here to debate with the paperclip. We’re here to predict who goes number one in the draft…and my sources say Cam Newton. My sources on this one were Google and ESPN.
Newton looks like a black Tebow, which is good minus the black part, and he is far ahead of Tebow as a throwing quarterback. However, I continually read accounts of his fake smile and that is something that I will NOT tolerate out of my starting quarterback. You have to smile like you fucking mean it, man! I’m supposed to watch my QB throw touchdowns while fake smiling like he’s laughing at one of Dennis Miller’s jokes? Not on my watch. However, I’m not the Panther GM and I cannot speak for him. Newton is also very versatile as numerous sources say he’ll help the Panthers sell tickets, however, I think that position would best be filled by minimum wage employees while Cam focuses on football and emotion.

2. DENVER BRONCOS – MARCELL DAREUS, DT
Josh McDaniels is out, so I would look for the Broncos to stop drafting like retards. Seriously, that guy couldn’t draft his way into Vietnam. The Broncos have horrible defensive linemen to go with their subpar LBs and ok secondary. Just happens that a very solid DT prospect is available at number 2. Putting 2 and 2 together and getting 4, I’m sending Dareus to Denver. However, the Broncos may forget to carry the one and end up drafting Colin Kaepernick or something.
Dareus has better measurables than Nick Fairley, he was not a one-year wonder, and he’s not a crazyperson, so I think that he will be the choice. My sorcerers back me up.

"Carnival Barkers" Like Dogs That Just Doesn't Know When to Shut Up

As you know, for the last four years the right wing media-suck circus has been dying to see the President's long form and they wouldn't stop screaming and crying until he whipped it out.  Today he did just that and threw in a big old golden shower of press coverage. 

And there's been obvious political value in keeping this thing going for the White House.  The birther side show might be a bit of a distraction when you're trying manage the affairs of humanity.  But on the other hand, it clearly illustrates the utter stupidity and irrelevance of fat white jesus ppl who hate the colored guy in the WH and get bounced around by tornadoes and shit while collecting.    

"Obama said that the nation had no hope of taking on the very real challenges facing the country if it continued to be distracted by “sideshows and carnival barkers.” 

Of course this is more entertainment for the WH staff than actual work- hey, not everyone has time to stroke themselves on Facebook everytime the feeling comes over.  But how often do you have the opportunity a bring a thing like this to a crescendo and then unload like Don Juan on the bunny ranch.

Maybe you would think there'd be a deafening silence drifting across the red neck media-sphere after the dark-skinned fellow posted up his birth certificate- like a firey lightning bolt from hell sent straight up the asses of Trump, Palin, Beck, Barkman, teabagger boy et al - like cold steel through a dripping lamb shish kabob.  Naah you wouldn't think that, and neither would I. 

But wait there's more yelping from tea baggers:  "so now we know his father was not an American citizen when 0bama was born on to the next issue.  How could he be a natural born citizen… if both parents are not American citizens."

As the Great Constitutionalist, Art Vandelay, would readliy inform you, while the term “natural born citizen” is not specifically defined in the original Constitution, the Fourteenth Amendment makes it clear that anyone born in the U.S. is a citizen.  

As for Trump, he says,
""I'm very proud of myself, because I've accomplished something that no one else has been able to accomplish," Trump said, adding, "Our president has finally released a birth certificate."

However, he said he would have to check out the certificate himself and wondered why the president didn't do this "a long time ago."

Hey Donny, you want the long form you're going to have to wait for it.  The President's a busy man.  

The fun can only continue.  Oh-12 is going to be an entertaining election.  

 

 

 

 

Okay Look...

...I'm not saying that BFF is a liar and a scumbag. What I'm saying is that she's either a liar or a scumbag. Seriously ladies...the picture above of a 37 week pregnant women posing with one of the aliens from Close Encounters of the Third Kind aside...if you knew you were giving birth to a baby with Down's Syndrome that required significant post-natal care, would you actually proceed to take a 20 hour trip home after your water broke?

Anyway, just read this when you get a chance. Yes, as of this morning, I thought absolutely nohing of that ridiculous rumor and I know this isn't necessarily proof of a conspiracy but the question should be asked...why didn't the "liberal media" look into this at all? They spent three months vetting the shit out of this chick and nobody thought this was even remotely relevant?

Well hopefully The Donald will get "his men" out of Hawaii and up to Alaska to get to the bottom of this.

Peyton Manning Needs That $60K

Oh, hey AofG. What's up. I've been blocked from GMail, Zuckerbook, and all the other popular websites at work, so it may be time to get back into this whole typing words thing. I doubt it will hold as I'm lazy and was kinda liking the brevity offered by FB status lines, but we'll see. A playa can't be on them spreadsheets all day without a little break, naw-mean?

Anyway, as you may have heard, the NFL's got some labor strife going on right now. And it's the kind of strife that we care about, not that stupid stuff going on over on top of Africa. That ain't gonna affect the Super Bowl. Ohhhhh, Khadafi's a dictator. He's killing his own people. Too bad...the National Guard has already been deployed because the BRONCOS ARE KILLING THE PATRIOTS!

So, in preparation for the possible (and now actual) lockout, the NFLPA (while it existed) created a lockout fund with the dues it collected from its players. Or something like that. It came out to about $60,000 per player, which is crazy because damn thems be some serious dues. There had to be something else there, too. Maybe they had Antonio Cromartie donate sperm on the side.

Anyway, now the time has come to pay out from that lockout fund. And a rich motherfucker by the name of Demarcus Ware, he of a fresh $79 million contract ($20 mil of that in one chunk for the signing bonus) has decided that he doesn't need this pittance and maybe it should go to some of the lesser ballin' players who took their $50,000 bonus and immediate bought Range Rovers (and it looks like the money came from withheld licensing fees as well...cool). From that article:

 

Other players who have cashed in — including the three big-name quarterbacks whose names have been attached to the antritrust lawsuit that goes to mediation today — should donate that money to help younger players who truly need the money.

 

So Tom Brady, Drew Brees and Peyton Manning took their money. Tom Brady, a guy who took less than he could get on the open market to allow the Patriots to build around him (a foreign stance to Mr. Manning), really has a use for this money? Sure, they've earned it because they contributed to it, but...why? These young role players (and Dez Bryant) are going to be broke in about three months. How are you gonna hold strong against a lockout when your entire kickoff team can barely afford to eat? What's Brandon Marshall going to do with $60K? How many laywers does Big Ben still need to pay off that this money's gonna find good use?

These guys need to be team players (e.g. communists) or there's no way that they're gonna last. Hell, Dez was broke even when he was getting paid. Then again, maybe some starve-time's just what he needs.

 

 

Should Jon Kyl Be Allowed To Govern?

As the evidence adds up that Arizona is quickly surpassing Georgia as the most fucked up state in the union (and is it any surprise that Georgia just adopted Arizona's immigration laws?), we now have the sad tale of Senator Jon Kyl-R(etarded).

So as I'm sure you've heard, the government almost shut down last week until they decided in the 12th hour, "Hey...let's just extend the deadline!" Seriously...why even have a fucking deadline? Anyway, the big issue that was holding up a budget agreement was the GOP's desire to defund Planned Parenthood because the GOP hates them some abortion.

Isn't it always about abortion? Like, there's no logical reason any Republican should ever be against abortion unless you consider the wrath of Jesus a logical reason. How the fuck can you be so inclined to cutting social services for the poor yet at the same time want to increase the population of the impoverished? Furthermore, how the hell is defunding the biggest provider of contraceptives in the country supposed to reduce abortions? Think about that for a second! It doesn't FIT!!! Okay, so here is Jon Kyl making the case on the Senate floor...

"Everybody goes to clinics, to hospitals, to doctors, and so on. Some people go to Planned Parenthood. But you don't have to go to Planned Parenthood to get your cholesterol or your blood pressure checked. If you want an abortion, you go to Planned Parenthood, and that's well over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does," the senator crowed.

Now as you can see in the graphic above, the Senator may have exaggerated just a bit. Either that or he just flat-out lied because "well over 90%" would indicate let's say 95%? This fucking guy just missed the truth by 92 GOD-DAMNED MOTHERFUCKING PERCENT!!!

So what went wrong?

The senator's remark "was not intended to be a factual statement but rather to illustrate that Planned Parenthood, an organization that receives millions in taxpayer dollars, does subsidize abortions," Kyl's staff says in a statement.

No. Unacceptable in every way imaginable. Fire him now. He is not allowed to serve and if you voted for him you need to have those rights revoked immediately. I'm sorry, but there's simply no other way around it.

Al Sharpton -v- Cornel West

The Big Reverend Al calls out Cornel West. Beautiful. (Fun starts at about the 2:00 mark.)

Did I exceed my word limit Assman?