Alright fools. This is Newman speaking. I’m now blocked from the AofG. Soon I’ll likely be blocked from Word and I’ll have to type these up in Notepad, print them out and fax them to Vandelay. But it will not stop me from occasionally wasting mine and everyone else’s time with pointless posts. First up is a mock NFL draft!
Why? Because everyone does them and I WANT IN. Sure, I’ve never heard of some of these first round picks until a few weeks ago. But who the fuck cares? I have sources on every team and I may as well use them. So let’s get to work.
ONE. CAROLINA PANTHERS – CAM NEWTON, QB
I have to type one because Microsoft Word is stupid and no matter how many times I tell it not to go into numbered list mode it does it anyway. But we aren’t here to debate with the paperclip. We’re here to predict who goes number one in the draft…and my sources say Cam Newton. My sources on this one were Google and ESPN.
Newton looks like a black Tebow, which is good minus the black part, and he is far ahead of Tebow as a throwing quarterback. However, I continually read accounts of his fake smile and that is something that I will NOT tolerate out of my starting quarterback. You have to smile like you fucking mean it, man! I’m supposed to watch my QB throw touchdowns while fake smiling like he’s laughing at one of Dennis Miller’s jokes? Not on my watch. However, I’m not the Panther GM and I cannot speak for him. Newton is also very versatile as numerous sources say he’ll help the Panthers sell tickets, however, I think that position would best be filled by minimum wage employees while Cam focuses on football and emotion.
2. DENVER BRONCOS – MARCELL DAREUS, DT
Josh McDaniels is out, so I would look for the Broncos to stop drafting like retards. Seriously, that guy couldn’t draft his way into Vietnam. The Broncos have horrible defensive linemen to go with their subpar LBs and ok secondary. Just happens that a very solid DT prospect is available at number 2. Putting 2 and 2 together and getting 4, I’m sending Dareus to Denver. However, the Broncos may forget to carry the one and end up drafting Colin Kaepernick or something.
Dareus has better measurables than Nick Fairley, he was not a one-year wonder, and he’s not a crazyperson, so I think that he will be the choice. My sorcerers back me up.