The Airing of Grievances

This Man Is Still Talking

And we're back to our friend Louie Gohmert. After having taken up Congress' time in the past introducing us to the idea of "Terror Babies", proposing that Congressmen should be packing heat wherever they are after the Gabby Gifford's incident, and most recently, dickishly proposing a vote to "reaffirm" the country's motto as "In God We Trust" after nobody was even protesting it, good old Louie was given the floor again this afternoon and he may have actually topped himself in the department of wasting everyone's time.

Now I haven't read Obama's healthcare bill and I would never claim to know very much about the intricacies of his plan at all but some of you have and do, so you might know what we're dealing with here. Basically, the plan at one point calls for an army of thousands of doctors and nurses that can be commissioned to serve in the case of a domestic catastrophe such as 9/11 or Katrina. The idea was first proposed under the Bush administration after 9/11. Well Louie seems to think that Obama has created his own private military (why this would be part of a healthcare plan nobody fucking knows) to be ready to serve at his disposal. So what Obama has done in Libya is a blatant attempt to use up all of our military resources in order to justify him calling upon his own army that he commissioned from the healthcare plan. No really...this is how Congress spent their time today.

By all means though...let's keep giving this whack-job a microphone and a podium. This is unquestionably a productive use of tax money.

Move Over Ashcroft

This is just rich. Fucking Bieber down here is apparently tormented over the state of America as he sits in front of his parents $30,000 baby grand in their half-million dollar home singing about the fall from grace we've had to endure since the 1700s. Hey, here's a thought...instead of wondering where all of the great slave masters went, maybe go out in the driveway and shoot some hoop? Don't worry, the Mexicans mowing your lawn aren't gonna eat you there, champ.

Where the hell were these indignant white teenagers when Dubya was starting ill-advised wars?

Wait...This Really Happened?

How the fuck did I not know about this? The U.S. Attorney General wrote and recorded a song and then performed it live to an actual audience? WTF? This could possibly be better than Drinking out of Cups! Shame on every last one of you for holding out on me like this!

Could possibly be the greatest thing I've ever seen. Harrison's 100 yard pick-6 in the Super Bowl is under some serious fire.

Moral Majority My Ass

Last week, after the epic ruling to cut funding for NPR by the House, Anthony Weiner got up and gave a really sarcastic speech about how he's glad that the economy is fixed and so many jobs have been created so that we can move on to more important things like going after the enemy that is NPR. Weiner is entertaining but I kind of thought it was a dick move. At the very least, the House was looking for a way to cut unnecessary funding so tax money could go somewhere more appropriate or dare I say...into paying off the deficit?

So I probably have a little bit of a reputation for obsessing over religion and for anyone who thinks that...I probably have to just give it to you. I really do do that. Now I'd like to tell you why. First watch this video of Louie Gohmert the very next day making a motion to reaffirm "In God We Trust."

What The Hell Is A-Goin' On?

Back in April of 1986, when I was barely 11 years old, I was watching a riveting moustache-arrific episode of Jeopardy with my parents when Tom Brokaw broke into the telecast to tell us all that the United States had sent over an aerial attack on Libya. Now, at 11, I didn't know shit about Libya or anything for that matter, but I was jarred from such a thing. This was, after all, the first time in my life where the military of my country had acted in aggression toward another nation, and I admit, I freaked the fuck out.

A day later, I wrote a letter to then President Ronald Reagan, something to the effect of,

"Dear President Reagan. I'm freaking the fuck out, Mr. President. I'm 11. I don't like the idea of my potentially going to war. I know some history, and I know the last real conflict we had didn't end so hotsy-totsy, so, what the fuck are you thinking?"

(I am ignoring that little Grenada thingy in '83, because shit, that was like Michigan v. Appalacian State in football. Wait. Bad example. Let's go with Florida v. their first opponent every year instead.)

Anyway, I eventually did receive a letter in reply, rubber stamped of course, from the Office of the POTUS stating something along the lines of, "Thanks for the letter kid. You don't know shit. Here's a sticker." No lie. My dad has it saved somewhere in the archives of "Look at what my retarded kid wrote."

In retrospect, all the U.S. did back in '86 was send over two Cessna's and a hot air balloon, dropped a few bags of flaming dog poo on Tripoli and called it a day. But, again, what did I know.

Flash forward 25 years and here we are again. Libya. Ghadaffi. Bombs. Missiles. People yelling in gibberish. And still, for the life of me, I still don't know what the fuck is going on. And I will profess my ignorance of most things political and ask you, the writers of this AofG masterpiece and loyal readers, can somebody explain to me why we are doing it all over again?

Sure, I know that the fine folks of Libya are fed up with a douchebag dictator who looks like a bad perm victim from the 70's. I know they are fighting for their independence and release from this guy. So I ask, why are we fucking involved over there? Can't we as a nation just let shit happen according to their will? Because it seems to me that we did the same fucking thing say, oh, 230-ish years ago and nobody batted an eyelash over such a thing.

Help me. Dumb ass and all. Please.

Also, a few notes:

1. France is involved. France? Really? For the first time that I can recall, this is the first military action France has thrown their wine and croissant engorging ass into that didn't involve raising white flags, berets and hairy armpitted broads in the air saying "We Surrender!" What gives France? This is the equivalent of a number two seed being all bad ass against a 15 seed, acting like they should've been there all along. Jesus. You get against a high seed, France, and you buckle faster than a BYU co-eds chastity belt.

2. According to reports, as of 10:37pm EDT 3/19/11, the U.S. and U.K. launched somewhere in the vacinity of 112 cruise missiles and hit just 20 targets. That's a whopping 17.8% hit rate. Who the fuck did we become with that accuracy? LeBron James in the 4th quarter of any game with meaning? That's bullshit. Poland launched a donkey laced with an enema from a catapult on Libya and got a better result.

Anyway, like I said, enlighten me. Because after two wars in countries over what has been deemed God knows what, the last thing we as a country need is to get involved in some horse shit involving a camel humping dictator and people fighting for something worthwhile. Can't we, for once, sit back and say "fuck it?"

Or am I wrong?

Over The Top!

You might think from the title of this Pulitzer worthy prose that it is about a classic all-time awesome movie starring our favorite juiced up mumbler Sly Stallone. Nope. I mean, sure John Rambo sounds like he just ate a jar of peanut butter, and while this is peanut related, it has nothing to do with Balboa.

And so you know, I don't know shit about Florida. I think it's Georgia with Hispanic flavor. Which explains this news story out of Ga South.

We all know we're raising a generation of pussies. Fact. If this doesn't prove it just one more time, I don't know what will. But, to go so far as rinse the mouths out of all the kids who ate peanuts and happen to be in the vicinity of a kid with a peanut allergy, well, that's OTT. Clorox wipes over the desks all the time? Hand sanitizers? Sweet Jesus. Pussies, I tell you.

I get the argument that measures need to be taken to prevent an all out anaphylactic reaction (see: death w/out epi) in a kid who when exposed to a certain allergen, but what I'm wondering if these Floritards know is that these items are fucking EVERYWHERE! I get that as parents we need to do what we can to ensure that our children, when they walk out the front door at any point, stay alive. It's something I could never do when I had a goldfish, a cat, a dog, a ferrett, even a pet rock, but miraculously the three kids I managed to donate to a uterus via one winning vs. three million losing sperm are still breathing. Hell even one of them is almost a teenager! I think I know what I'm doing therefore. And my youngest has a peanut allergy herself, but I would never dream of demanding the shit these parents demand. I'll make sure my kid has her Epi-Pen, her inhaler, etc. and teach her that if she starts to feel like the Cracker Jack man is strangling you with piano wire, take it. But that involves personal accountability and realizing that a persons crotch fruit isn't any more special than anyone elses, something parents rarely grasp anymore.

(Molson Cup Second Star to the mom who was so pissed off she said her child was being denied the right to eat Peanut Butter and Jelly. You know, as stated in the U.S. Bill of Rights, IX to be exact.)

I Think I'm In Love

This chick is awesome. I have no idea how she got into UCLA but she did, and she's not happy at all about these fucking Asians talking on their cell phones in the library. It's a good thing this didn't happen after that bitch of a tsunami struck or she could have actually tried to invoke that! But nobody hates Asians that mu...Wait...WHAT?

Don't judge me, a-holes. She's adorable.

Japan

My wife told me this morning after watching The Today Show that she thinks Japan is just going to cease to exist. I'm not sure if there were actual scientists on there explaining how Japan is going to cease to exist or she just got sucked into Lauer's fear-mongering but the point remains...Japan is fucked. This is going to make Hiroshima look like whatever it is that makes getting an A-Bomb dropped on you insignificant.

In case you've been living under a rock for the past three days...a massive earthquake followed by a massive tsunami has completely detroyed Japan's coastline, killing thousands of people, and leaving in it's wake a path of destruction, terror, and mayhem the likes of which people only write about. If that's not bad enough, nuclear power plants are exploding all over the place* and depending on who you ask, there's a real possibility of a complete nuclear meltdown. So yeah...that would be horrific. Hey...at least the volcanoes still work?

It seems like the past 5 or 6 years have brought us an unusual amount of natural disasters (not to mention the man-made disasters) but what we have here in Japan could eclipse all of them combined. I don't really have a point here but your empathy for that place would be well beyond warranted.

*Bonus crazy rapture discussion in comment section under video

Because There Aren't Enough Douchebags in the World...

Germany has chosen to step up and and create the first douchebag robot since C3-PO (fuck that silly android). It comes complete with hipster hair and a goatee and has some sort of weird fascination with blinking. Not creepy at all, Germany...not creepy at all.

If Germany can do this, I don't see any reason why we can't make a robot that looks like Yasmine Bleeth, circa 1995. Get on that shit, Scientists. Vandelay has a birthday coming up next month.

Having It Both Ways

In Texas, they just passed a bill that says a woman who wants an abortion needs to first have a sonogram, look at the pictures and wait 24 guilt-ridden hours before they're able to authorize the procedure. No word yet on whether or not the ultrasound tech has to make "coochie coo" noises while doing it, but I do suspect they'll at least add condescending language to the paperwork that describes the procedure as the "baby stabbing."