Plus, December would never be the same without contributing something lackluster for AofG Festivus. And writing something lackluster for AofG Festivus wouldn't be possible without procrastinating to the very last minute. So here's my last-minute, thoughtless 800-word present, as if I bought it straight from the airport gift shop.
You want something to cry about, victim? How about Bruce Arians, Offensive Coordinator for the Pittsburgh Victims (aka Steelers). Definitely more "offensive" and less "coordinator." And I guess this is rather a strange grievance since I am not a Pittsburgh fan. However, I don't dislike the team, just victimized victim fans of the Victims. They have an amazing defense and defensive coordinator. They should be winning twice as many rings. Unfortunately, they also have some dipshit named Bruce calling plays with all the imagination of a Tecmo playbook. Why is this guy still employed? Shit, Texans Tragedy has no job -- but this guy does?
Thanks to Flash's reference of it in her grievances, I was reminded to write about this show. While mildly entertaining enough watch every week, it was still a big disappointment. But I guess that comes with the territory when you got the promise of Scorsese and Buscemi in the mix. But my real gripe is with the casting of what should have been two great characters. Sure -- Nucky, Van Alden, Jimmy, and Rothstein were solid. But Capone and Luciano? What the fuck were they thinking? Capone is a smaller, fatter, more annoying Bruno Kirby. And Luciano? Could that have chosen a more adolescent fag with an overacted "Italian-ness?" This guy's the 2010 version of the 1980's version of Ralph Macchio. He makes Christian Slater look like a brilliant choice in Mobsters. Was there some type of HBO contract clause that all unemployed Sopranos actors get parts in the show? How about unemployed people who weren't in The Sopranos? People with skills. Like Texans Tragedy. Oh and by the way, it took me 3 episodes to figure out that Dabney Coleman was the Commodore. Which reminds me that I'm old. Not quite Vandelay-old, but old nonetheless. So fuck you for that as well, Boardwalk Empire.
McDonald's Coffee Fuckbag
Don't talk to you until you've had your cofee? Are you serious? How about you don't make snobby demands until after I kick the shit out of you? Fuckin' a.m. stompdown of your life, complete with a chokeout using your Members Only jacket as a noose. Enjoy some nosebleed-flavored coffee mate in your precious cup o'joe. I can't even figure out who you look like. Maybe the genes of Tom Brady's hair and Paul Gasol's beard each fucked one of Steffi Graf's nostrils's and then shot the mixture into a petri dish with Curt Shilling's body. And why are you so aloof to begin with? Judging from your briefcase, you at least have a job to go to. How do you think that makes Texans Tragedy feel?
Was it O’Bannion? Man, I hate that jerk!
Who quoteth: "The banks shouldn't — people shouldn't make such a giant profit off just moving money back and forth. And CEOs' pay shouldn't be 200 times the average worker. It used to be nine times. OK, maybe it's legal and maybe it passes muster with shareholders. But there's something about us that fundamentally feels it isn't right."
Hint, it wasn't an unemployed skilled worker like Texans Tragedy. No it was Cambridge's finest (depending on how you rank him according to Damon, Ewing, and Rumeal). Ben Affleck. Yep the other Big Ben -- the one that wears a motorcycle helmet, doesn't resemble a bloated camel, and doesn't rape chambermaids -- said that. He who makes a greater living than most CEO's doing even less than "moving money back and forth." You know, I'm not going to sit here and defend bank CEO's, mainly because they get paid even when they do a shitty job at what they're supposedly so qualified to get paid big bucks for in the first place. But when Hollywood heavies start bitching about salaries, I gotta call bullshit. Ben, don't think we forgot about Surviving Christmas and Gigli (to name a few). That's about 20 million just right there. You want to start cutting stimulus checks back to average movie set employees who had to toil on those two miserable flops? How about the crew for Jersey Girl? No? Then shut the fuck up.
Just so you know why I'm making fun of your unemployment -- I just recently became unemployed as well (just in time for Christmas). But bitching about it is not going to do anything other than make you look like a bitch. Stop acting like a Steeler fan and go make something happen. Remember: anybody who ever built an empire, or changed the world, sat where you are now. And it's because they sat there that they were able to do it. Or so says Clooney. Now go get a fuckin job, you worthless, pathetic, deadbeat.