Festivus, while a brilliant holiday, always feels a little weird for me as I’m not a person who should conceivably be bitching about anything. I’m really pretty darn lucky and I’m surrounded by some beautiful people in this world, however that’s not really in the spirit of this day so let’s talk a little bit about the people that I got a whole lotta problems with, shall we?
Will Smith’s Kids – These two little bastards epitomize everything that’s wrong with the entertainment industry and something tells me that as long as they have an uber-famous dad, we’re going to be seeing a whole lot more of them. What are they 9 and 10? Let’s start with the girl…this shit is not music. It’s shit, and the mere fact that people look towards you as some type of talented phenom is not necessarily a condemnation of you but of people in general. You need to go away as you’re the perfect representation of what bad taste really is. As for the boy…I will never forgive you for what you did to The Karate Kid. Oh yeah…I saw that shit and it was horrendous. I’ve never seen a movie where I wanted the protagonist to get his ass kicked as much as the Karate Kid remake. Do you know that instead of a crane kick, this little douchebag actually jumped in the air and flipped over his opponent and kicked him in the back of the head? It was ABSURD!!! I’ll even forgive the shitty acting, as you’ve probably never been criticized for anything in your life so how the hell would you know how much you suck? The bottom line though you, fucking worm with braids, is that I grew up in with Daniel LaRusso…I knew Daniel LaRusso…and you son…are no Daniel LaRusso.
Leon Powe – “Really Vandelay…Leon Powe bothered you this year?” Well, not necessarily but while I’m on the Karate Kid, I just need to say that this is completely unacceptable. Leon Powe could be dead for all I know and if he is I’d like to spit on his grave for this. Listen, there are no acceptable images that should ever be synced up with this Joe Esposito classic other than Daniel San kicking some Cobra Kai ass (or if anyone ever gets awesome enough to make a highlight video of me playing wiffleball). But if in fact somebody does have the audacity to be so blasphemous, IT CAN’T UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES BE LEON FUCKING POWE, OKAY!!! Daniel San may rack disciprine, but Leon Powe rack my lespect.
The G to the O to the P – We talk a lot of politics here at the Grieve and I mention all the time that I would never lay any claim to having the answers for how to fix this mess we call a country. Shit like foreign policy and the economy are probably a bit too complex for someone who pays as little attention to politics as me to even try to fake like I know what I’m talking about. I’m completely aware that the Dems aren’t exactly lighting it up either so I’m just gonna sit on the sideline, pay my taxes, and hope for the best. So my particular beef with the GOP currently has to do with their strategy of blocking every vote in the House until the Bush tax cuts were extended to the richest 2% of people in the country, and even more specifically around the bill that they blocked which would provide health benefits to the 1st responders of 9/11. Put aside all of the insidious diseases that these people have acquired as a result of breathing in all of the toxicity that surrounded Ground Zero in the days following 9/11 because they were too concerned with being heroic to consume themselves with that. There is no party that uses 9 frickin’ 11 to gain political leverage among the public like the GOP. These people will drop 9/11 on you like GunPowder Jones will drop rhymes about banging your mom. But what happens when it’s time for Bush tax cuts to expire on millionaires? Well that means it’s also time to take your sick heroes and tell them to go to hell. This is pretty much the most reprehensible thing I’ve heard a political party do in my lifetime. So to Mitch McConnell, John Boehner, Kay Hutchinson, John Cornyn, Orrin Hatch, Chuck Grassley, Olympia Snow, Jim Bunning, John Enzi…etcetera…etcetera...if you can still sleep at night, my wish for you is not only that you acquire the same insidious diseases as your heroes…but you die a slow and painful death from them. People with your lack of principle not only don’t deserve to make decisions that affect the future of this country…they don’t deserve to do a god damned fucking thing. You scare the shit out of me. Time to cut the sanctimonious bullshit, GOP. Time to quit pretending like you’re the ones who are going to ring in an era of principle. Like you’re the fucking arbiters of morality. If you blocked that bill, after using these people to get where you are today, to call you a scumbag is truly an insult to scumbags everywhere. Hey speaking of people trying to lay claim to morality…
The Pope – Oh sure, you didn’t think the Pimp Benedict wasn’t coming to Festivus this year, did you? Quite a year you had there, wasn’t it, Ratzy? When the news broke earlier this year that he had distinct knowledge of a priest in Milwaukee that had molested over 200 boys as a pastor at a school for the deaf (yes…handicapped boys) and did nothing to punish the offender, the Pope started feeling some heat and this was hardly the first time. This motherfucker as an arch-bishop was in charge of the division in the Vatican that dealt internally with all sex abuse cases and sent out a memo to all members of the clergy stating that any reported sex abuses cases have to be dealt with in the utmost secrecy by both the accused and the ACCUSER until 10 years after the accuser’s 18th birthday. There was more though…the Pope went to the UN to oppose a resolution to decriminalize homosexuality in certain countries around the world. There was more…a priest in Germany that molested children in his parish was simply relocated by Ratzinger to another parish whereupon he of course went on to molest more children. The scandals were all over Europe, in fact. The thing is though, in spite of this bullshit diplomatic immunity that countries grant him as a head of state, there are still a lot of people with morals in this world that really don’t like to see children getting brainwashed and molested, and so they kept digging. As recent as a couple of weeks ago, an investigation led by the church itself uncovered a huge gap in paperwork for sex crimes under the rule of Ratzinger.
What this all means is that this man should be considered an international criminal and belongs behind bars. If he were the CEO of any organization in the world besides the Catholic Church, he’d surely be in jail. With the paper trails that are out there and the public’s attitude towards pedophilia, he wouldn’t stand a chance. Unfortunately he is the head of the Catholic Church which poses some pretty crazy issues because the true Catholics…and I say true Catholics because there are a lot of Catholics who are far too pragmatic to believe all the crazy shit they’re supposed to believe to get their salvation but go through the routine anyway just in case…but the true Catholics believe that this man is the infallible word of God on earth. Isn’t that just the height of narcissism? So we all know that the church is trying to take steps to make this right and has offered public apologies and tweaked their internal laws a little, but has anyone involved in this cover up truly been held accountable? Does anyone in their right mind think this is going to end? Does anyone think those children who were raped of their innocence…raped of their childhood…have been vindicated? Look Catholics…I’ll always urge people to believe whatever they want as long as it’s not dangerous to others but for fuck’s sake stop worrying about your salvation for a second and look what’s going on here! Every night that the news comes on TV, the opening story should just be “OH MY GOD!!! THE POPE HASN’T BEEN ARRESTED YET!!! OH MY GOD!!!! THIS IS FUCKING NUTS!!!!”. Yet, Taboo will always trump the justified indignation from Catholics that should go along with this scandal. So keep filling those coffers people, and if you’re doing the right thing then the more power to you…but if you are right…and the Jewish Zombie really is coming back to lay waste to all the depraved souls…does anyone out there whose morality is governed by logic and humanity rather than dogma really believe that he’ll be standing with Joseph Ratzinger? Come on, now.
This shit – Really ESPN? Really? Like you’ve been watching the fucking bullshit going on all season with the officiating and the red-headed gestapo in the front office all season, right? This is the story though? Not the incessant mugging of the wide receivers all game including on the game winning TD pass that wasn’t? This is the issue you want to make known? A chain fuck up that resulted in no yards given to the offense but only a 1st and 10 instead of a 2nd and 1 where a lot of teams would rather be anyway? Tomlin doesn’t say a word about the officials all year despite being asked 58 questions per post game presser about it and just telling everyone he’s a coach not a ref and now you have an inconsequential first down in a game they won anyway and all of a fucking sudden you’re a ref? It’s time to fucking “concede?” WTF!!! This is infuriating.
AofG contributors besides Neman (and Newman a little too) – You guys are so gay, with your “lives” and everything. You may as well just all get each other JJ Reddick jerseys for Christmas and end it.
My 30’s – This is it, huh? 4 months left? Couldn’t stick around any longer? Is it my feet? You hate my feet don't you? Well, I got news for you...my feet are getting way more intolerable in my 40's! Douches.
People that ask me to vote for their babies on a web-cute-baby contest – Usually you see this on Facebook or E-Mail. I have never done it and I will never do it (vote that is…if I ever enter them in one just shoot me in the head). Isn’t this just the peak of insecurity? Forget about living vicariously through your kid by flashing your campaigning skills but how the hell could winning one of these things possibly be satisfying for you? Nobody votes in them but friends and family of the parents. The kid doesn’t give a shit yet you’re dying so badly to drape them in honors before they stop shitting their pants and why? WHY? What could possibly be gained from this silliness!!!!! Nobody thinks anymore!!!!
My Wiffleball, Horseshoe, and Ping Pong games – AAAAHHHH!!! I’m just playin’. You guys are awesome.
Hey, Happy Festivus Everyone!