Call me Longtime Lurker, if you will.
I have often had a lot of problems with you people, but haven't gotten my
shit together in time to tell you about it. But I slipped under the deadline
this year, fuckers, so it's on.
*--United Airlines*. How can one corporation be so utterly fucktastic at
their job? Getting from Denver to Chicago should not suck this bad. And
flight attendant lady, who gave me the dirty look when I asked for some
crackers or something for my kid to eat? Yes, we did bring snacks for him.
But after we sat on the tarmac longer than the whole motherfucking flight
was supposed to last, we ran out of that stuff. So give me some crackers.
*--Republicans.* Listen, the older I get, the more I understand why
conservatives are the way they are. I'm not becoming one, but I understand
it more. But Republicans are not conservatives. They are assholes. Hey
Republicans: stop being assholes. Which reminds me of....
*--The lady I saw driving the other day with the "Obama Is An Undocumented
Worker" sticker on her car.* Seriously? This shit again? And one more thing
*--Tea Party.* You guys are morons. I hope you win all the elections,
eradicate the government or whatever bullshit it is you're promising to do,
and then get eaten by mobs of angry Green Party activists in the Populist
Revolt of 2017. And Sarah Palin: go away.
*--Brook Lopez, David Lee, and the rest of my fantasy basketball team.* This
is not getting the job done, fellas. We have a franchise to uphold here. A
legacy. You guys are shitting all over it. Yeah, I know, I drafted Vince
Carter, and nobody likes playing with that guy. But it had to be done, and
anyway, he's always hurt. Pretend he's a particularly petulant trainer, and
let's all get on with winning another championship. Come here, let me slap
you all on the asses.
*--Work*. Yeah, I know, I should be thankful to *have* a job. And I am. But
enough with the bullshit. That's all I ask. Cut out the bullshit. Oh, and a
Christmas bonus might be nice. That one bonus I got a few years ago was
nice, but annualized over all the years I've worked here, it comes out to
something like $14 a year. So let's pick that up a bit, shall we?
*--My Life Choices*. Fuck you, life choices. I'm tired of being broke. Why
couldn't we have become a heart surgeon or something? Or an investment
banker? Those dudes fucked up the entire world for like 3 years, and they're
still getting bonuses. That advanced degree in Postmodern Basketweaving
might not have been the best idea in hindsight, right?
*--The little guy/gal in my wife's uterus:* Listen, I don't want to be too
harsh here, because I love you and whatnot, and I'm sure we'll have some
great times together. But this week I am selling my Jeep Wrangler and
getting a minivan. A MINIVAN, you little twit. You and your brothers are
responsible for this, so you had all better become heart surgeons or
investment bankers and pay off my student loans someday, you understand? A
Having grieved thusly, I would like to add that although I am a longtime
lurker here at The Airing of Grievances, I have never posted anything, so
much as a comment. But this is one of the top 5 blogs on the internet, and I
am not shitting you. Keep up the good work. I understand about family and
work and life obligations, but remember the little people out there, waiting
a week between posts. We're bored at work, and you're making our lives a
little less awful. Entertain us with your crafty screeds! ENTERTAIN US!