So, I'm posting this now because on Saturday, when I wanted to originally write, I was fucking shitfaced beyond all recognition. In fact, if I had typed anything after what I experienced, I'm pretty sure it would have come across like half of the MySpace blogs written on a daily basis...illegible and full of such bullshit nonsense that people would question the very existence of brain matter in my skull. So, I refrained. Good call.
Where was I to get so absolutely polluted? An Elton John concert with Vandelay? Fuck no. A town hall teabag party in Cow Fuck, Missouri? Hardly. No, I was in East Lansing at Michigan v. Michigan State at the home for the hottest and most morally flexible co-eds north of Florida...good ol' Michigan State University. The original Land Grant state funded institution best known for graduating the most full blown alcoholics in this great land of ours and setting things on fire after a Michigan State LOSS aka my Alma Mater.
But oh what a Saturday it was. And let me tell you of a few observations I picked up (the ones I can remember anyway) from that rainy, cold, dreary drunk as fuck day...
1. Certain old people suck. Well, the group of fogeys I saw on Saturday sucked. Really old people I saw on Saturday, you are making me rethink my stance on Death Panels. You show up to a college campus, on arguably the biggest day in this State's college football season, and you trudge around all slow in your Buick Skylarks and, get this, whine that there are too many kids and too much drinking around? Goddamn it Crusty. Take your ten inch black and white magnavox to the Perkins down the road, watch JAG re-runs and choke on a piece of cherry cream pie.
2. University of Michigan Fan is the worst fan of any sport in the Nation. Yeah, even worse than Red Sox/Patriot/Celtic fan. Amazing. It's one thing to have graduated from that University, which, for the record, I think is a great school. (I mean if my kid gets into U of M, I have no problem writing that check, so long as he doesn't major in Dead European Languages, grow a beard, start dating a chick with more bush than in a National Geographic and claim that Nietzche was the single greatest influence on mankind. Because that honor goes to Gilbert Gottfried.)
But typical Michigan fan has not even set foot anywhere near Ann Arbor, let alone can even find it on the map. And they are all in your grill about football history and winningest program in CFB and MSU is the little brother and FUCK YOU SPARTY! They wear their Tate Forcier gear and still bitch about how Desmond Howard was interfered with in 1990 and STATE SUCKS all the while the grease from their work boots from their job at the local Tool and Die shop is dripping. At least this was U of M fan I saw this weekend. It was fun to see them catching hell from evereyone after the game though, what with their quick comebacks and intellectual quips like "Fuck You". Good times. Eat a bag of fuck.
3. I swore I'd never be one, but there I was, the creepy 30+ year old guy scoping the girls out. MSU has some nice looking ladies. The spank bank is filled. Hey, at least they're legal. (See: Polansky, Roman)
My brain hurts. I feel like Miguel Cabrera after a night of getting the piss beat out of him by his Latino broad for being hammered. I think I'll stop here for now. Stay thirsty my friends.
Hey, if Miggy'd shown up at my place, drunk, at 6am, 13 hours before the most important game the Tigers played up to that point, I'd have given him the ol' one-two myself. That being said,
GO TIGERS!!! KICK THE FUCK OUT OF THE TWINS IN THAT SHITHOLE OF AN ASSFUCK OF A SORRY SAD-ASS EXCUSE OF A GODFORSAKEN FUCK GOD ASS SHIT FUCK SHIT HELL DOME!!!
Also, Go Blue.
Posted by: H.E. Pennypacker | October 05, 2009 at 06:52 PM
"They wear their Tate Forcier gear.
One thing I've noticed is that a great many Blue fans sport the full Michigan warm-up suits (track suits) versus the traditional jersey. As if they are appointing themselves part of the coaching staff. It's not shoulder pads and helmets lame, but it's douchey nonetheless.
Yeah, even worse than Red Sox/Patriot/Celtic fan.
Well, have you ever been to a game in Philly? As for college fans -- yes, Blue fans suck. But they pale in comparison to SEC fans (particularly Gator fans). It's really no contest.
"(See: Polansky, Roman)"
Roman Polanks"i" might get you better results. Roman Polansk"y" is a used car dealer down in Wyandotte.
Posted by: Jack Klompus | October 06, 2009 at 09:40 AM
I swore I'd never be one, but there I was, the creepy 30+ year old guy scoping the girls out.
...and here I thought you were shamelessly unapologetic about this.
I don't even know who you are anymore, man.
Posted by: Art Vandelay | October 06, 2009 at 12:15 PM
You show up to a college campus, on arguably the biggest day in this State's college football season, and you trudge around all slow in your Buick Skylarks and, get this, whine that there are too many kids and too much drinking around?
I would say they are living dangerously given the menace the average drunken 19 year old poses to society in general.
I mean if my kid gets into U of M, I have no problem writing that check, so long as he doesn't major in Dead European Languages, grow a beard, start dating a chick with more bush than in a National Geographic and claim that Nietzche was the single greatest influence on mankind.
nothing more annoying than an overgrown bush.
Posted by: Mr. Kruger | October 06, 2009 at 03:48 PM
Whatley...you okay? Brutal loss tonight.
Posted by: Art Vandelay | October 06, 2009 at 10:33 PM
Hm. I'm starting to realize that we all might have our own perceptions on who the worst fans out of all the sports on the planet are after reading this. Because I could have sworn it was a Cal Berkley fan. They are such HUGE bags of tool, it's hard to describe.
Posted by: Faith | October 07, 2009 at 01:40 PM
I think it's mostly regional. When the Vols play the Gators I pray for a dirty bomb to be detonated.
Posted by: Kenny Bania | October 07, 2009 at 02:39 PM
"When the Vols play the Gators I pray for a dirty bomb to be detonated."
That would temporarily erase about 40% of the nation's jorts consumer base.
Posted by: Jack Klompus | October 07, 2009 at 08:09 PM
Whatley...you okay? Brutal loss tonight.
I'm fine. Remember, I'm Cubs fan. My slit wrists healed back in late August.
That would temporarily erase about 40% of the nation's jorts consumer base.
The other 60% belongs to Georgia and Alabama, right?
Posted by: Dr. Whatley | October 08, 2009 at 10:17 AM
Oh, that's right.
Posted by: Vandelay | October 08, 2009 at 10:27 AM
What's wrong with jorts, as long as they're nut nuthuggers?
Posted by: jackie | October 10, 2009 at 08:14 PM