Because I am here to amuse you all, and because I have been drinking a ton of Blue Kool-Aid and vodka, Vandelay asked for it, you all will get it...
The official AofG Detroit Lions 2009 preview. And that preview states...
The Detroit Lions can only go up.
What else can I say? We're talking about a team/franchise that:
- Has not made the playoffs since 1999, have not won a playoff game since 1991 and that was their only playoff win since Dwight "I fuck Germans for fun" Eisenhower was POTUS.
- Has an owner, William Clay Ford Sr. that strangely resembles Bernie Lomax in his approach to running a franchise. That being, have people, namely Matt Millen and now Martin Mayhew, tie their shoes to his, put peanut butter in his mouth so that it looks like he's moving his lips, walk around and looky here! "Hands on ownership".
- Drafted THE BEST running back in the history of professional football and still the team was so inept, said running back retired in his prime, 2,000 yards away from blowing past Walter Payton, all because he didn't want to lose anymore. Who does that? A Lions player who knows what the Lions are all about does it.
- Once considered:
- Erik Kramer
- Scott Mitchell
- Andre Ware
- Rodney Peete
- Jon Kitna...
Franchise Quarterbacks. What. The. Fuck.
- Has more "pussy" jokes and innuendo made about them than in a Lady Gaga song.
- Need I mention a little thing called "0 and 16"?
- Has a history of...you know what? This is fucking pointless. Every other team in the National Football League, even the Oak-dump Raiders, have a better history than my Detroit Lions. Yet, I remain as loyal a fan as anyone this side of sanity. Why? Well, two reasons.
One, they have some pretty sweet uniforms. Don't lie, all. Silver, Black and Blue is the shit. It's too bad they've had fairies prancing around in them for a decade.
Two, I want to be on that bandwagon first. No, I want to drive that fucker. I want it to have my ass in that driver seat so that when the Detroit Lions DO win the whole damn thing, I can sit there, gas pedal floored, pick up assholes that jump on the wagon late (I'm looking at you Tiger fans), punch the horn that wails "Another One Bites The Dust", all while wearing my Billy Sims jersey, doing a beer bong, puffing on a crack pipe, while running over hookers on Woodward Avenue. And goddamn it, I'm getting old, so this shit better happen soon, because the older I get the more likely I'll be stopping all the time because my enlarged prostate makes me piss more frequently than a college co-ed passed out on Boone's Farm.
The Detroit Lions WILL win the whole damn thing! Just not this year.
Or next.
2011, baby! Mark it, Smokey.
For now, I trust this Jim Schwartz cat knows what the fuck he's getting into. Go Lie-downs!
4-12.
Wow, that actually managed to be a tad less depressing than the Raiders preview. Well played.
I think 20 just didn't want to play anymore for what it's worth. He could have told them he wanted to be traded to a contender or he'd retire and the Lions would have been insane not to do it. They're not really that inept...are they? That'd be like using a top ten draft pick on a wide receiver like 4 years in a row. Nobody's that dumb.
Posted by: Vandelay | August 05, 2009 at 05:14 PM
That'd be like using a top ten draft pick on a wide receiver like 4 years in a row. Nobody's that dumb.
Well played yourself, sir.
Truth be told, the Lions of the 90's were pretty decent. Playoffs 6 out of 10 years, NFC Championship game once, things looked promising there, so maybe Barry DID see something he didn't like. Then Ford blew it all up after barely missing the playoffs by hiring Millen, who hired Marty Morninwheg, and the rest is Hell, I mean history.
And for the record, that Raiders preview was funny as hell. Nice job to Assman. Yours wasn't too shabby either, AV.
Posted by: Dr. Whatley | August 05, 2009 at 07:02 PM
At least they have an awesome stadium?
The weakness of the Lions is often one of the only things going for my Bears!
Posted by: bethany | August 05, 2009 at 07:47 PM
At least they have an awesome stadium?
It is great...for Super Bowls, Final Four games, Michigan High School football championship games and other sporting events that matter.
Posted by: Whatley | August 05, 2009 at 09:44 PM
I remember listening to that Lions playoff win on the radio. I think I was in Grade 9 at the time. That's sad.
But, think about how fast a sports franchise can turn around... I'm proud to say that I was at Comerica Park for the last game of the disastrous 2003 season, 119 losses and all, and three years later they were in the World Series. Throw in the kooky scheduling tricks that the NFL likes to use, and it's not crazy to think that respectability isn't too far off. (I wouldn't go so far as to predict a championship in '11, but hey, ya gotta have faith, right?)
Posted by: H.E. Pennypacker | August 06, 2009 at 11:31 AM
(I wouldn't go so far as to predict a championship in '11, but hey, ya gotta have faith, right?)
It's the only thing that has got me this far. That and lots of beer.
Posted by: Dr. Whatley | August 06, 2009 at 11:49 AM
"Michigan High School football championship games and other sporting events that matter"
Michigan High School football games matter? To you?
Posted by: Jack Klompus | August 11, 2009 at 12:17 AM
I subscribed to your blog when is the next post,Thanks for such a nice post.
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