The Official Team Preview of the AofG

I wrote this for the Sportsfrog's NFL team previews feature but seeing as they are the official team of The Grieve and I spent like an hour on it, I'm posting it here too. Plus, it might inspire Whatley to give us a Lions preview which is always fun.

I’m not sure if that poster is supposed to be boasting about the team or the fan base but if it’s the latter, it’s pretty funny that there’s like 15 seats in the middle that are completely vacant. Fucking wine and cheesers, man. For the purposes of this post, “we” shall refer to the Pittsburgh Steelers professional football team and I understand that I’m not on the team…I really do. I always get a big kick out of people that get all uptight about that…”Why, are you the third-string long-snapper or something?” SNAP!!! Homos.

With that in mind, that poster is at the very least extremely accurate. We really are better than you. No, it’s not because we’re tougher or we’re grittier or have reached some ambiguous level of collective talent that exceeds 31 other teams. There’s always been a bit of a misconception about championship teams that many people have a hard time grasping. You don’t win because you’re the best team…you’re the best team because you won. Yes, my friends…there’s absolutely a reason that they play these games and while the 2008 Pittsburgh Steelers were certainly full of talent, focus, and motivation, none of that mattered until Lamarr Woodley got around that edge one last time to strip the football (fuck you Assman...it was a fumble) from God’s Quarterback on a warm Florida night in early February.

It takes way more than talent to win a Super Bowl, folks. Talent is everywhere. Focus is everywhere. Preparation is everywhere. You quite simply can’t win a Super Bowl without an appropriate amount of luck. The fact of the matter is that if they played the 2008 season again, the Steelers probably wouldn’t win. It’s also why they probably won’t repeat. They certainly have the team to do it but as the last Steelers team to attempt to defend a title will tell you…this is about as unforgiving a league as you’re going to come across.

So what do the Steelers need to do to become the only team of the decade to win three Super Bowls that didn’t get caught in the largest cheating scandal in NFL history? I have no idea. Do I look like Pat effin’ Kirwan to you? I will however give you 5 reasons why they’ll be holding that Lombardi trophy once again come next February, which will only be applicable contingent upon it coming to fruition. How’s that for a safe bet? Plus, you really don't want to hear my analysis of draft picks I've never heard of until a few months ago, right?

Unleash The Timmonator

The Steelers had the 15th pick of the 2007 draft and there seemed to be a certain drop-off in talent after about 12 picks so all Steeler fans were pretty much hoping that someone would make a mistake and an Okoye or a Carrick would drop to that 15 spot and when it didn’t happen and the Commish announced a linebacker from Florida State University by the name of Lawrence Timmons, people weren’t exactly pre-booking orders for his jersey. When they took Woodley in the second round, it really made it seem as though even they weren’t sure about the Timmons pick. Well that’s going to go down as one of the best drafts in Steelers history when it’s all said and done.

Larry Foote was a solid yet unspectacular and fallible linebacker on a great defense. Timmons got to play as one of the linebackers in the nickel and made three times the plays that Foote did while barely ever getting a look at the 34 ZB. This isn’t your typical “plug anonymous Steelers linebacker into LeBeau defense and watch him benefit from the system” move. Dude quite simply has the type of speed and athletic ability to be an MVP caliber player. I know that sounds like hyperbole but you can take this to the bank. I’m the guy that was pounding my fist calling for Jamie Harrison to start before anyone else even heard the name. This is no different. Lawrence Timmons is going to be a beast. No charge for that, folks.

Ben..The Two Of Us Need Look No More

December 28th, 2003. That’s simply one of the most important dates in the history of this franchise. The Stillers were not a very good football team that year and they were to play a good Ravens team that had already clinched a playoff spot and could not improve their position on that Sunday night. It was the last regular season game of that season and most of us just wanted it to be over. They came to Baltimore at 6-9 still having to play one more game that we had looked forward to when the schedule came out but alas, it turned out to be as anti-climactic a games you’re gonna get…or so we thought. While the Ravens were in every position to rest their starters, there was something else they needed to get done. Jamal Lewis was having a monster season and needed something like 80 yards to get to 2000. That arbitrary number meant more to them than rest and they decided to play this one straight up. Well Jamal would get his 2000 but more importantly the Ravens handed the Steelers their 10th loss of the season. That 10th loss put them ahead of Buffalo in the 2004 draft and became the difference in the Steelers drafting Ben or JP Losman. I like to think that the Ravens want that one back.

When Fitzy scored his second TD to put Arizona up by 3 towards the end of the Super Bowl last year, while nervous, as fans it was hard to panic because most of us had that sense that they just left too much time. We’ve seen it too many times. Look, Ben is not infallible and there are a lot of people who frown upon his sometimes sandlot style of play (usually a necessity with that O-line) but you’d be hard pressed to find a Steeler fan who doesn’t think they can win every game they play just because #7 is behind center.

After his second ring, a lot of people felt the need to reassess him as a QB. It’s all bullshit as far as I’m concerned. I don’t need to know where he is in relation to Brady/Manning. I need to know where he is on Sunday afternoons in the fall because while a lot of players are integral to the success of this team, in the end…it’s Ben.

Samoa, tula'i ma sisi ia lau fu'a, lou pale lea

A few years ago, Troy Polamalu was having a dinner with his wife at a restaurant on top of Mt. Washington in Pittsburgh. They walked in, they sat down, they ate, they paid their check, and they left. Upon all of the other patrons in the restaurant finishing their meals, not one of them was given a check to pay. There was no announcement that their meals would be taken care of. He didn’t even give them a chance to thank him. It was a gesture of appreciation for allowing him to just sit down and enjoy a meal with his wife with no interruptions.

If you ever do any reading about the upbringing and character of Troy, it’d be impossible not to respect the shit out of him. Despite his superstar status, he remains one of the most humble, grounded players in this league. Beyond this the man is an absolute joy to watch play football. This team could be a perennial loser and I’d still look forward to every Sunday just to have the opportunity to watch 43 fly around that football field. There are a lot of great safeties in this league but he’s our great safety and if I’m ever fortunate enough to meet him I know exactly what I’d say. He’d probably say the same thing right back to me.

Yes…that James Harrison

Okay, I’ve made no secrets about my man crush for 92 so I won’t go on long here but I’d like to share something that someone smarter than me wrote…

While Harrison may or may not win DPOY, no one in the circles that matter, can look at film of James Harrison and think that he is the product of anything but leverage and whoop-ass.

When scouts, coaches, and FO guys convene to discuss players, they barely look at box scores or stats. They look at film of how those numbers were achieved. Anyone with any notion of a scout's eye can see that no one can block Harrison consistently because most of the tackles he goes against are too tall. Harrison is a bundle of incredible power and speed packed onto a 5'11 frame. He comes off the line with a nice lean that makes him even lower. A 6'5, 340 lb tackle has virtually no chance against him. If the tackle prepares for a bull rush, Harrison gets around him. If the tackle sets up wide Harrison goes low and explodes upward into the tackle's chest and drives him backward. He has 3 sacks I can remember off the top of my head where he literally lifted the tackle off the ground and carried him into the QB.

No one is going to think Harrison is the product of any system.

I love that. Okay, I apologize in advance for coming off as a whiny bitch here but James Harrison gets held more than any player I’ve ever seen before. Yeah, I know it’s subjective and shit but dude gets tackled like 3 times a game and never gets calls. I’m honestly of the belief that winning that award is going to make him much more dangerous for the sole reason that everyone knows who he is now. I’m not saying the league caters to superstars…but the league caters to superstars.

Okay…Just One

My friend Sean likes to refer to his Pittsburgh Steelers as the most mis-characterized team in sports history and I think he’s right. No team has ever been described by more tired clichés as this version of the Pittsburgh Steelers (smashmouth, 3 yards and a cloud of dust, blah, blah, blah). However, some clichés are in fact born from truth so with apologies to Sean, I’d like you to know that the Pittsburgh Steelers will in fact punch you in the mouth. They will hit you, and hit you, and hit you, and when you start getting a little tired of being hit…they’re gonna start hitting you harder.

Now of course, every team has players who can hit and enjoy hitting and maybe even enjoy being hit but it’s a game that they will force you to play and to beat them you have to be prepared to take it for 60 minutes. It’s a mindset that I believe to be the foundation of their success and one I look forward to seeing again real soon. If your team has the mental and physical toughness to withstand that…congratulations because they’re in the market to beat the Pittsburgh Steelers. "We" look forward to the challenge.

Happy Football Everyone!

Comments

[Dr. Tim Whatley]

Hold up, wait a minute. You got my Lions creative juices flowing. It might only amount to about two sentences what with those horse shit years I like to call "The Lions of the 21st Century", and quite frankly, this team still stinks on paper.

But, the battles are fought on grass, (and shit that resembles grass but is made from blown out Firestone tires circa 2000). If they weren't, those Massholes would've been celebrating 19-0, The Colts would have a half dozen by now and the good Lord would have spared the Cardinals the misery of losing last year.(Me thinks Yahweh likes James Harrison better than that butch ladies husband, IMO. Either that or he went all Pete Rose and had $2k riding on the Stillers.)

[bethany]

I'm predicting my Bears over your Steelers in the Bears home opener. Sorry grievers.

In other football news, I'm pleased to report that I just bought my husband plane tickets to his fantasy football draft in Grand Rapids. Also, we signed up for the Football Ticket Superfan so we will have all the games on HD! Can't wait!

Madden '10 comes out next week too. Football season rules!

[Newman]

The defense will hit you in the mouth.

The offense, on the other hand, will throw a slant and try to run past you. As they should. The point is to not get tackled.

[Vandelay]

Bethany, don't pay for Superfan. They can't charge you a hundred dollars just to watch the Sunday Ticket games in HD when you already paid for an HD TV, you already paid for Sunday Ticket, and you're already paying monthly for an HD signal. Call them up and get your ass to customer retention. I'll never pay for Superfan. I'm pretty sure I almost got the guy in customer retention to blow me last year as well but i took 3 free months of HBO instead.

Newman, what are the other 10 guys doing while the guy with the ball is trying not to get tackled?

[Assman]

Sweet. I'll do one for the Raiders tomorrow.

In other football news, I'm pleased to report that I just bought my husband plane tickets to his fantasy football draft in Grand Rapids.

I'm flying to Atlanta for one this year. I'm also in my 30's and I have a job.

(fuck you Assman...it was a fumble)

All I ask for is a review. It was a reviewable play. The man was throwing and the ball went 15 yards downfield!

[New Man]

You are right, Vandelay. While Santonio Holmes catches the ball and runs, the offensive line just does there thing and easily overpowers the defense, just as they have been doing all season. Then Ben Roethlisberger goes upfield and knocks out a linebacker.

What a bunch of mouthpunchers!

[Vandelay]

Get off me, man. I already apologized in advance.

[New Man]

I just wanted to say "mouthpunchers".

[Dr. Tim Whatley]

In other football news, I'm pleased to report that I just bought my husband plane tickets to his fantasy football draft in Grand Rapids

Will I see him at my draft? Considering I reside in G-Rap and all...

[bethany]

Dr. Whatley, didn't know you were in GR--I knew you were in MI, but not GR He used to live on the SE side of town on Merrifield St. If you're a GR cop, then probably--his league is comprised of entirely cops from GR. He was with the force there for about 8 years, and moved to NY 'cause of me. In hindsight, I shoulda moved to GR. I miss the BOB!

@ Vandelay-- ain't no way we aren't getting Superfan...didn't take the ass-raping cost mid-season last year when we got the TV which is bigger than I am tall (67") and it SUCKED watching the final 3 weeks in not-HD. My question for you is what Customer Retention will do--the only ones who have the ticket is DirecTV, so they have us by tne shorties. I am the biggest sucker when it comes to this stuff, so let me know what to say to the service peeps.

[Vandelay]

Bethany, of course I'm talking about DirecTV. I've had the ticket for 10 years. You're paying like 270 bucks or whatever they're bending us over this year for because the NFL has chosen to allow DirecTV to monopolize the Sunday Ticket. It doesn't cost them an extra penny to send that HD signal. They're not going to lose that 270 bucks because you won't pay another 100. You're already paying for the ticket and HD service. What they're trying to do is completely unethical and they only get away with it because of this bullshit agreement. Call them and tell them that you don't think it's fair. If they tell you too bad (which they most likely won't and they'll just put you on hold and come back and tell you that you're "eligible" for free Superfan) then tell them to cancel your Sunday Ticket. If you get to customer retention just tell them you won't pay for the Ticket unless you get the HD channels with it.