Klompus' Travel Guide: Fuck Chicago

 

The skinnyfat: I took (an alleged) 3-week project in Chi-town -- 3 weeks turned into 6+.  This was my first excursion to the Windbag City.  Without question, it's been enjoyable.  But readers of the AofG don't visit this blog to find out about the Good.  Y'all want the Bad and the Ugly.  So without further ado, Ima provide my observant "What sucks about Chicago" review.

1.  "Chicago-style" -- with the exception of the hot dog with the pickle-n-tomato riding shotgun (read: gay) -- why does previously-invented shit have to be named "Chicago-style?" Like the bone-in filet mignon, for example?  That's just a bone-in tenderloin steak.  Pretty sure Chicago didn't invent it.  Nor did they invent deep-dish pizza.  That happened in Greece (and Chiles' toaster oven) long before it happened in Chicago. Just because you fucks prefer a style, it doesn't make it yours. Perhaps this point relates to my next observation...

2.  Chicago has some SERIOUS penis envy whenever you mention NYC.  Of course, I'm only going by myself and every Masshole I know personally when I say this -- but there's not-a one of us that would claim Boston is a better city than The Apple (or Chicago for that matter). We just wouldn't and couldn't.  Sure, we think we are better sports fans, but that's different.  New York is The City.  It just is. Nonetheless, I'm sure Vandelay could convince a jury of his peers that I am an anamoly and thus most Massholes have the same NY penis envy that Chicagoans do -- but I digress. I noticed people went out of their way to brag about how much cleaner, how much <blah>-er Chicago was than NYC. Give it a rest. Nobody's really checkin out your girl, okay?  She's not THAT hot.

3. Loosely-related-sidebar-but-not-really: There's this crusty old Bukowski-reading douchebag that works for the company that is contracting me to clean up the mess he created over the past 16 months.  During every miserable "status" meeting, he prefaces every single one of his exchanges with the followng paraphrase: "Not for nothing, but I've been doing what I do for 15 years.." Great, you've been tits-on-a-bull longer than I've been a functional alcoholic and you're touting that? And, technically what you've been doing for 15 years HAS turned out to be "for nothing."  Well, for the people paying you. The positive takeaway was that I got ample opportunity to verbally urinate in the guy's coffee. And I took full advantage.

4. What's with all the acronymous first names?  I thought metro-Atlanta lead the league with guys named "T.J." but I stand corrected.  More than I could count, people would introduce themselves with either their 2-letter monikers or their effeminate first name followed by a "but everyone calls me <dip>.<dip>." Nice to meet you, guy-named-Ashley.  Not gonna call you A.J. today. Or ever. Say hello to your brother Kelly for me.  Fag.

5. Apparently driving on asphalt is reason enough for every fuckin Illinoying car (especially taxis) to ceremoniously honk their horns.  Doesn't even need to be a traffic jam.  Been to every major city (besides L.A.) and I've never seen such a volume of unnecessary horn honks.  What's the fuckin point? No reason. I'd rather listen to ESPN dissect Brett Favre's sudden fantasy football impact than spend 10 minutes waiting for the walk signals across Michigan Ave.

6. Loosely-related-sidebar-but-not-really 2 -- the Kashmiri robots (aka offshore consultants) that I am working with were shocked (and almost appalled) when they learned I never really had Indian cuisine before. Well I'm willing to bet none of those fuckers ever tried the Bacon Explosion.  So put that in your hooka, Patel.

7. People in Chicago have a habit of suffixing arguments/proposals with "but I don't really care, why would I" or "it doesn't matter to me." Right. It CLEARLY doesn't matter to you does it?  Otherwise, you'd have just kept your fuckin' stupid vulva shut in the first place.

So fuck you, Chicago. Congrats on being number 2, you fuckin' fat egotistical passive-aggressive horn-happy windbags with girl names. Let me warm up your coffee for you.

Comments

[Dave]

That's the best you could do? Lame.

"It doesn't matter to me" but you should go back to your dump of a city and leave us to our pizza and indicted governors.

p.s. Nice pitcher of da coach. Bearsssss!

[Kenny Bania]

I like Chicago. Bars and food everywhere. Only drawback is 99% of the females there are dumpy as a trash bag full of nuked oatmeal.

[Schmoopie]

Three things:

1. I've never heard people in Chicago using the phrases you attribute to Chicago. I think you merely encountered a work group of twits who share bad habits. Also? I don't know anyone here who prefers deep-dish pizza. That's for out-of-towners. We eat thin-crust.

2. Why the vitriol about "effeminate names"? What are you afraid of, that if you don't criticize other men that someone'll think you're gay? Chillax.

3. Yes, you gotta learn to use the horn if you're going to drive in Chicago. There's an unwritten law. I do try to minimize time on Michigan Avenue, though, because of all the hordes of out-of-towners gaping at every damn thing, wandering blindly from store to store and creating a clusterfuck of humanity in every crosswalk. If you out-of-towners would avoid Michigan Avenue, it might actually be a pleasant enough drive.

[Mr. Kruger]

Chicago has some SERIOUS penis envy whenever you mention NYC.

Aren't they renaming the biggest penis in Chicago, the Sears Tower, to something like the Big Willy. I've heard folks there are getting all bent out of shape about that as if "Sears Tower" just rolls off the tongue or something, evoking thoughts of bliss.

[Vandelay]

Everything I know about Chicagoans I learned from Mike Myers, George Wendt, Chris Farley, and the other guy. I'd prefer to go on living the rest of my life thinking they're all just like that.

[Assman]

I hear Chicago has Jerry Springer, Oprah Winfrey, Billy Corgan and Batman. I see no reason to be down on the city.

[bethany]

I spent my college years in Chicago; and my husband is from Chicago (we met at the University of Chicago, so I'm still there a lot.

We live in NY state now.

Chicago = Best city in US. If only for the lack of bitchy urban-ness Chicago has compared to other major metros. Just the good ol' midwest, at its best.

And, they have White Castle.........we don't in upstate NY.

And the Bears,and the Cubs.

[jackie]

That happened in Greece (and Chiles' toaster oven) long before it happened in Chicago.

Even though you're a fuckface ass, I felt the need to recognize the style points for leaving the microwave out of this.

[jackie]

So fuck you, Chicago. Congrats on being number 2...

Admission that Chicago is better than Boston?

[online travel guide]

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[Dr. Whatley]

...and the Cubs.

Bingo Bethany. Too bad they suck donkey balls this year again those fuckers!

[Jack Klompus]

The mood of some of these comments would suggest that Chicagoans have a cyclist-like sense of humility.

@Schmoopie
"I think you merely encountered a work group of twits who share bad habits."

Not so. While the sample size was obviously not the majority of Chicagoans, I did venture outside of the Loop several times. I hit the same few bars on multiple occasions, though they were all very different in terms of flavor. If you pay attention to both the patrons and the staff -- you'll get a pretty good feel for the city's personality. Especially if you sit at the end of the bar where the stations are.

"What are you afraid of, that if you don't criticize other men that someone'll think you're gay?"

No, I'm just doing my part in the community (like Obbie asked me to). There's not a red-blooded man around that would want to take instruction from an Affliction-t-shirt-wearing dude named Ashley. Not even a guy named Leslie would.

@Bethany
"If only for the lack of bitchy urban-ness Chicago has compared to other major metros."

I keep hearing that claim and I still don't see it. Perhaps the difference is that Chicago is a completely passive-aggressive bitchy while New York, D.C. and Boston are just a full-frontal bitchy.

@Chiles
"Admission that Chicago is better than Boston?"

Of course it's better than Boston. It's the second best city in America. But it's a distant second.