I'm going to tell a short story about the secret downside to getting a hummer from a woman you meet at a bar, in an effort to perk this place back up. (No offense Mr. Kruger, that kid getting the hell out of the way of that car was pretty sweet. But it was Turkey, and the only kind I like is the shit that puts me to sleep while watching the Lions).
I witnessed a friend of mine a few days ago just go out and get unrecognizably shitfaced. He had good reason to. His old lady dumped him for another guy and he found out by virtue of a wayward, empty 3-pack of Magnum condoms on top of the trash and I when he told me that, after I spit Bell's Oberon all over me, I half expected him to say he then answered the door to find a permed dude saying, "I'm here for the gang bang?"
Anyway, my friend, prior to dating this whore woman, could pull the wool. I was his wing man quite often, and I refined my skills of deflecting fat satellite wiffle pigs away from him while he liquid narcolepsy-ed his way into yet another pair of panties.
In light of his recent relationship failures, he thought he'd like to grudge fuck his way through it by running roughshod over a skank or two. Needless to say, I was down.
After a few hours and 10 shots at the bar, this cat has whittled his prey down to one, and she had one friend that took an obvious interest in me, presumably because I have all my teeth and don't quote Larry The Cable Guy as part of my repertoire. Easy pickins for ol' buddy then. He managed to get plastered with her, convince her to go home with him and most assuredly, poured the coal to her like the ghost of the Edmund Fitzgerald would to Cleveland after a long, long wait.
(Side Note for those that care: I did not get laid. I was somewhat sober and despite enduring my longest drought in recent history, was not about to do anything with that "Tales From The Crypt" beast.)
(The following is based on his side of the story and might be bullshit): This woman was a freak and when they returned to his place, she immediately tore off his pants and started in with a sloppy BJ. However, in the middle of it, she passed out while he, uhh...continued in a "sleep creep" kind of way, finished, wiped the "residue" with her shirt and passed out himself.
When he woke up, he noticed that she was gross and there was piss all over his bed, and he freaked out, yelled at her for pissing his bed and told her to get the fuck out of his house.
She claimed that she didn't piss the bed, that he had to have done it himself, to which he wanted no part of that excuse, threw her "stained" shirt at her and threw her out.
And now he was calling me, wondering what happened. I'll tell you what happened. I pissed myself from laughing so hard, that's what happened. He admits he did it himself but was afraid of that awkward morning after stuff. But he wasn't afraid of that awkward "I think I'll hump her mouth for a bit because it's, well, there" stuff. Hmm.
The question I am asking though is, "Is that shit even worth it? Is getting back at your ex so necessary that you'll defile your mattress after picking up some poor hefty bag of a woman and abusing her so?"
I say no. But what do I know? Certianly not any woman that would do such a thing (allegedly).
There was no point to this story other than to just say that my friend is rethinking his ways of retaliation to include things like "moving on" and not buying a bag of flour to throw on his fat ass and some other poor voluptuous beast in order to find the wet spot. That and this post did not mention one thing about Manny Ramirez, the POTUS and cock pills.
Until now.
Your friend is one sad excuse for a man, I have to say. Is there a single woman reading this post who would want to go anywhere near Whatley's friend?
Posted by: Schmoopie | June 24, 2009 at 06:41 PM
Your friend is one sad excuse for a man, I have to say. Is there a single woman reading this post who would want to go anywhere near Whatley's friend?
Well it would require having enormous self-esteem issues.
Here's a thought, if dude doesn't want his relationships ending in finding a pack of magnums on top of the trash, wouldn't these skanks be the last type of girl he'd want to surround himself with? Sounds like he got what he asked for.
Posted by: Art Vandelay | June 24, 2009 at 07:59 PM
Oh yea, I'll admit, my little Turk kid story sucks like a NatGeo rerun after this but at least the little guy didn't piss himself.
Is getting back at your ex so necessary that you'll defile your mattress after picking up some poor hefty bag of a woman and abusing her so?
No, nothing is worth going through a hellish night like that to spite your 2Xing gf. The correct answer is grab all your shit, take off immediately and for good, and never look back. Life is about having fun. I suggest he take up snowboarding and get himself stalked by some arctic cougars out on Snow Snake Mt.
Posted by: Mr. Kruger | June 24, 2009 at 09:08 PM
Your friend is one sad excuse for a man, I have to say.
I am leaning towards agreement Schmoopie. He has been pretty pathetic since 1993. But his bust a nut to blue ball ratio exceeds mine, so what can I say?
Sounds like he got what he asked for.
He did. I like my judgment better than his, that's for sure.
Posted by: Whatley | June 25, 2009 at 12:10 AM
Backing up a bit.....
You really need turkey to put you to sleep watching the Lions?
Posted by: Bookman | June 25, 2009 at 03:02 AM
You really need turkey to put you to sleep watching the Lions?
As soon as I typed it I knew this was coming. But I was too lazy to put a disclaimer on the end of that statement. Besides, it's hard to fall asleep when the Lions opponents are lighting up the scoreboard.
Posted by: Dr. Tim Whatley | June 25, 2009 at 08:33 AM
It's a chance you take when trolling for skanks. He needed it, and I'm sure he'll run through a few others before he settles down (hopefully without pissing his bed). Sometimes after a bad relationship you have to pull yourself up, and run through any vagina that will allow you entry. Might I suggest the fatty three way?
Unrelated - Internet porn has me so jaded my new thing is normal looking girls. I'll be at a bar or out in general and think "Look at that girl. She's so normal. Yeeeeeeah."
Posted by: Kenny Bania | June 25, 2009 at 11:42 AM
"Unrelated - Internet porn has me so jaded my new thing is normal looking girls."
That's fuckin priceless, Bania.
Posted by: Jack Klompus | June 25, 2009 at 02:10 PM
Whatley,
Is your buddy still in college or something? How is denigrating himself with some slob of a woman with self-esteem issues going to make him feel better about getting dumped by another woman with self-esteem issues? Sounds like she did him a favor by letting him start over. Kruger is right, the best revenge is living well.
Nothing beat seeing the look on my ex's face when she saw that I am happily married now with a 6 month old kid. Much more gratifying that waking up next to some bar hag with bladder control issues. The only thing my ex had going on was a new botox treatment which made her look like a fright-mask version of her younger self.
Posted by: TMan | June 25, 2009 at 03:27 PM
Wait, the bar pickup had bladder control issues? I thought it was Whatley's friend who pissed in his own bed because he's a total loser.
Posted by: Schmoopie | June 25, 2009 at 03:44 PM
"I thought it was Whatley's friend who pissed in his own bed because he's a total loser."
Yeah, I'm sure it was Whatley's "friend." It's always the storyteller's "friend" who has the embarrassing problem, never the storyteller. Whatley, get your shit together and go see a urologist about your incontinence. And stop seagulling broads at T.G.I.Friday's.
Posted by: Jack Klompus | June 25, 2009 at 04:30 PM