So last week the wife and I are watching American Idol and it’s “Country Night.” Even though Country Night always sucks, they always have a couple of inbreds on the show that they have to cater to before they make them sing Bon Jovi or something. It’s torture to listen to but as with most people my age that still watch AI, the worst nights of performances are always the best Cowell nights. Simon’s the only reason I watch that show. He’s awesome. We usually watch on TiVo delay and we’ll catch the first 15-20 seconds of most songs and then fly through and fly right through Randy, Paula, and the other idiot just to listen to Simon. Sure, he’s not the most likeable person you’ll ever come across but there’s something really fun about watching him stomp on people’s dreams on live TV. For instance, there’s this one kid who is young and good looking and clearly the type that will go far just based on the tween girl vote. The kid is married though and his wife was in the audience on the first night so after he sings Simon says to him, “It’s a little early to be carting out the wife, don’t you think?” The look on the wife's face was priceless but let me digress here.
Danny Gokey, the scumbag who’s whoring out the death of his wife to try to win a recording contract decides to sing a song titled Jesus Take the Wheel by former AI champ, Carrie Underwood (gratuitous photo above for people like my grape-nut eating fuck brother who have no idea who any of these people are). The judges love The Gokey and I usually watch him because he can actually sing so I found myself listening to this song. Basically, you have a young girl driving home to her parents’ house late at night with her infant child in the backseat. She hits a sheet of ice and loses control of the car and is heading right towards a truck. Tragedy appears to be imminent but she
wisely remains poised and is able to cut back away from the truck avoiding doom decides to just take her hands off of the wheel, throw them up in the air, and ask Jesus to steer. Of course Jesus, being the skilled driver that he is avoids the truck and saves the girl and her baby and even though she’s low on gas, she’s now high on faith.
This got me thinking…Carrie Underwood, being a country music sensation, probably has a fan base stupid and gullible enough to believe that this is not simply a song of inspiration but a guide on what to do when you lose control of the vehicle that you’re driving. I’m not even kidding here. I’m pretty sure that this song will be responsible for the deaths of at least a few Georgians and Floridians and then who is to blame? Let’s say there is an accident in West Buttfuck, GA causing the death of six people and police reports have eye-witness testimony of the driver just taking his hands off of the wheel and throwing them in the air, two seconds prior to impact. Can they bring in Carrie Underwood for questioning? I mean, they gave Manson like 486 life sentences for essentially the same type of brainwashing. Is it really that much different than those parents that tried to pray the diabetes out of their daughter?
Okay, if you’ve made it down here, you’re probably thinking that you want the last five minutes of your life back but alas…I do have a point. There are places in the world that actually hold you accountable for this shit.
Let’s give it up for Tunisia.