Pictured (from left to right): Tapeworm Scott Boras, with ventriloquist Leigh Texeira and her puppet, Mark.
Seriously, Tex? Look, I was never on the Red Sox Nation bandwagon for your services anyway, though I'll readily acknowledge that it would have been nice to have your bat next to Papi's in the lineup. But that's beside the point. What the fuck is this all about? Welcome to Hall of Whipped Professional Athlete Husbands. There's a seat open next to Kurt Warner and David Carr.
At what point in the interview did you think "Shit, I'm gonna look like a little bitch-ass bitch when this story gets published?" Look, I understand as a married man you compromise on shit that your bachelor self would kick your ass for. Believe me, I know. Throw in some kids and you're basically a hybrid of "Mr. Belvedere", "Driving Miss Daisy" and "The Toy" -- assuming you're responsible, that is. As husbands, we generally kowtow to the missus just for the possibility of sex or silence (both which are premiums to a married man). But you're a professional athlete. You don't ever need to negotiate for either of those premiums (so long as your mega paychecks keep rolling in). You're not subjected to the daily grind of soul draining, idea smashing, and brow beating that most husbands get. There's no reason you need to highlight the doting "His-and-Hers" angle. You may as well have worn homemade T-shirts that say "Team Texeira" on the front and a "#1 Husband cap". For Christ's sake, you're a fuckin All-Star -- act like one.
As for the NYT, what kind of business is it of anyone's (aka "news") where a player's wife wants to live, shop, and dine? No shit she wants to be in New York. What wife of a mutli-millionaire pro athlete wouldn't when the other choices are Boston, Baltimore, and DC (no, Anaheim was never a choice)? You're gonna devote an entire article to calling out your newest star as bitch-whipped? Nice welcome wagon, douchebags.
I give it 2 months before he's tag-teaming Madonna with A-Rod.
Posted by: Vandelay | January 07, 2009 at 02:43 PM
"I give it 2 months before he's tag-teaming Madonna with A-Rod."
More like "tag-teaming A-Rod with Madonna."
But I think he has a ways to go before he gets to that level. He'll need to attend several sleepovers at Jeter's first.
Posted by: Jack Klompus | January 07, 2009 at 03:19 PM
Brutal. I hate her.
Posted by: Vandelay | January 07, 2009 at 03:39 PM
I imagine the conversations sounded like this:
"Umm...Leigh, this is your call of course. If everything were equal, where would you rather see me play?"
"Like, you know, Marky, like, I wanna shop and stuff, so, like, I want you to go to, like, New York and stuff."
I can't imagine her being a PhD in anything after having latched onto a million dollar wallet.
Sidebar:
Will Teixeira be the new go-to guy when FOX Sports needs to show gratuitous nostril shots, now that it looks like Andy Pettitte won't be in a Yankees uni?
Posted by: Dr. Tim Whatley | January 07, 2009 at 03:53 PM
I guess I hadn't seen that link as of my 1st post yet, Vandelay. Does my take still stand?
Posted by: Dr. Tim Whatley | January 07, 2009 at 03:57 PM
"Will Teixeira be the new go-to guy when FOX Sports needs to show gratuitous nostril shots, now that it looks like Andy Pettitte won't be in a Yankees uni?"
Seriously. He's more of a natural fit for a Nasonex endorsement than Big Ben was for Fathead.
Posted by: Jack Klompus | January 07, 2009 at 03:58 PM
Wow, you guys just might need to get over yourselves. Why are you working yourselves into such a tizzy? It's not as if he's making some huge sacrifice in moving to New York to play for the effing Yankees (who I loathe, but that's beside the point because I really don't care who plays for what team). Maybe he was leaning that way, too. Maybe Mark and Leigh sit in the hot tub and reminisce about NYC vacations they liked. We don't know the whole story.
I feel bad for the jocks who are stuck living in Sacramento or Oklahoma or Cleveland or Green Bay, when some of their rivals are living large in world-class cities.
I'll go now.
Posted by: Schmoopie | January 07, 2009 at 05:31 PM
Hall of Whipped Professional Athlete Husbands
He might be whipped, but he'd just be a simple lonely bust, sitting with many others in the Jackie Christie Memorial Wing.
Posted by: Nonlinear | January 07, 2009 at 06:07 PM
Hold the fuck on. If you don't consult your wife on a life-changing event, you aren't much of a husband, and that in turn makes you less of a man, since you chose to be a husband after all. All things being equal, I don't think for a second that talking to your wife about what might be better for her is a bad thing at all. All things being equal being the key phrase here.
Posted by: puddy | January 08, 2009 at 09:18 AM
Hey Schmoopie, dont you owe us a doctor's note or something for missing Festivus?
Posted by: Vandelay | January 08, 2009 at 09:34 AM
Nonlinear took the words out of my mouth. If Kurt and David are in the Hall, the Hall is named after Doug Christie.
Posted by: Aaron | January 08, 2009 at 10:22 AM
"Hold the fuck on. If you don't consult your wife on a life-changing event, you aren't much of a husband, and that in turn makes you less of a man, since you chose to be a husband after all.
Come back off the ledge for a minute. Life-changing? It's not like he's unretiring or switching careers. I think she knows what she signed up for when she married him. Nonetheless, nobody said anything about not consulting her. The issue here is why this signing has so much to do with her. Most people would assume that if they're married -- he's consulting her. Fine. But is it necessary to highlight that she was the deciding factor? It's not her baseball acumen that is fetching that contract, aside from getting half of it in a divorce. She has little to nothing to do with it. People had a similar reaction years back regarding Brenda Warner's discussion about Kurt's contract. But more importantly, with all the free-agent signings every year -- why don't we always read/hear about the wife's input? We didn't hear shit from Amber Sabathia and Karen Burnett. So why Leigh Texeira only?
Posted by: Jack Klompus | January 08, 2009 at 10:34 AM
"Nonlinear took the words out of my mouth. If Kurt and David are in the Hall, the Hall is named after Doug Christie."
I originally mentioned Doug but deleted it because it seemed too Sports Guy to me.
Posted by: Jack Klompus | January 08, 2009 at 11:01 AM
Moving is a life-changing event by pretty much any definition, but I will grant that with the millions on the table, moving isn't even mandatory.
Posted by: puddy | January 08, 2009 at 01:11 PM
You know, I had to combine Christmas shopping and getting my cards out on time with packing for a week-long Caribbean cruise, which left little time for Festivus festivities. Then when I came back freckled and rested and there were a zillion grievances to read, I was landsick and looking at the computer made me dizzy. (I'm totally serious here!) I did manage to read Assman's magnum opus, though, which made everyone fall in love with him a little, didn't it?
Posted by: Schmoopie | January 08, 2009 at 01:56 PM
"Moving is a life-changing event by pretty much any definition,"
Agreed. Just ask the Israeli moving companies. They know pressure points.
Posted by: Jack Klompus | January 08, 2009 at 02:42 PM
An athlete making 10 mil in New York is living nice.
An athlete making 10 mil in Pittsburgh is living like a fucking king.
I don't feel bad for the ones in Sacramento.
Posted by: Newmin | January 08, 2009 at 04:32 PM
"An athlete making 10 mil in Pittsburgh is living like a fucking king."
Yeah, a king of an ugly kingdom. All of its inhabitants have fuzztaches. Even the women.
Posted by: Jack Klompus | January 08, 2009 at 05:00 PM