Why Ear Candling Is Not a Good Idea

Besides giving this post a completely innocuous non-sequitur for a title I am also foregoing the standard format as I usually do of running down a list of peeves- not that I don’t have a list- but more because as usual I'm stuck behind the eight ball in this regard due to my exceedingly narrow attention span. So in lieu of all this listing business I'll just launch into this opaque narrative that I reserve the right of calling my lil' manifesto-ho. And for the record my cell phone is not programmed to play gay-ass pop tunes so fuck you.

For this year’s high-brow bowel-flushing my grievance is why the fuck is it taking so long for homo sapiens to drown this planet in flames. I mean you know it’s going to happen- it’s just a matter of time- so get the fuck on with it because the suspense is making my balls itch! Let’s face it, this world isn’t big enough for all of us and the way we’re gorging ourselves on natural resources and then shitting all over everything that’s left it’s only going to be 10 or 20 years before man starts resorting to his most primal instincts like cannibalism for survival- and who the hell wants that?? I mean, that’s the reason we high-tailed it the fuck out of the oceans 2.5 billion years ago- right? 'Cause the shit was getting so nasty down there with all the fanged slime-traps, menacing worms with claws and acid-spittin’ shrimp the size of golf carts- what the hell? Who wants to go back down that road? What’s the point in pretending. The reality is we’re a dysfunctional community of psychologically irreconcilable pelt-less monkeys with a propensity for violence and a lust for ignorance that can only lead us to one logical conclusion- the one reason for our existence- the one and only impulse we are defenseless against. No matter how good it feels not to- no matter how good it will feel when we do it- now matter how much we wish we could keep it going- eventually we have to blow the load. It’s our duty people- it’s are destiny- and it’s time to seize the moment and get this done.

In 2000 the world’s top five nuclear states possessed 31, 535 shiny, sleek and sexy atomic warheads just sitting there collecting dust waiting to be ejaculated onto unsuspecting masses ripe for instantaneous incineration by great firey tongues of Strangelove. Doesn’t that sound awesome! Doesn't that kick-ass! So I propose we make this happen and on what better day than the one that world was ‘born again’. The day God blew his load into the minds of the fearful and greedy. The day he sent the ultimate sad-sack down to the monkey tribes for a beating, a bad-ass hat, and a first seed placement in the Golgotha Tackemup Rodeo. We can get this done on Festivus- X-a-Mas! The kids will love it! Big silvery flashes, tidal waves of pretty pink radioactive dust, funny spotted bovine creatures hurtling over the horizon, everything glowing and blowing up and catching on fire. What a great way to celebrate the final solution to all our petty little differences and shortcomings. Just think how hysterical it will be seeing the look of horror on grandma’s face as you crank Queensryche’s “Queen of the Ryche” and throw back your last Bloody Mary while grabbing at your crotch and stabbing the crackling air mano cornuta.

And this is the perfect holiday season for a nuclear holocaust because who better to end the world than the Great Decider! Kid El Deen (spell it backwards) looking to finally get one up on pops. One last chance to erase all that liberal hate, all those stinking piles of war casualties, all those insipid little quips, all that arrogance and pestilence wiped away with a push of a button. I’m telling you, this is what we were designed for- it’s forged in our DNA- the great symphony of hope and change soup silenced forever by the snickering monkey-boy mad with destiny and visions of the Mike Shot. How better to confirm the randomness of our existence than with one last consummate act of irrevocable annihilation. The greatest circle jerk maximus of the last 4 billion years ending in an orgasm of such fury and fire only being exceeded by the implosion of the Singularity itself. An orgasm so big that it would kill you if you were to have it yourself from a million miles away. An orgasm so powerful it will blow up the sun and kill everyone in heaven. How cool would that be.

Oh yeah, I do have one grievance though: Steeler fans that steal your posts that you imprudently happen to mention to them the night your favorite football team loses it’s third straight game and you haven’t posted it yourself before 7 fucking am the next morning- not even a prop in sight- thanks, I hope Mitch Berger drops the other nut next week.

Comments

[Assman]

Dennis Miller?

Yo La Tengo did a tight cover of that song.

[Vandelay]

What did Newman steal from you? Can you be more specific?

[Mr. Kruger]

I like their cover of the Beach Boys 'Little Honda'. Older shit is the best though, Electro-Pura.

What did Newman steal from you?

Newman who. You don't need specifics.

[Vandelay]

No, I'm dead serious. I have no idea what you didn't get your shot of Jack for. I'm usually good about that.