We'll Take TurdFerguson For Festivus, Alex

See, that was gay. I'm telling ya, you guys would be so much better off with someone funny doing this. Why do you obsess over my good looks? Long-time Swamper and actual Jeopardy Champion, TurdFerguson would like your attention...

Lately, every time I think of a grievance to air, I feel like it's been done already. Either on this very blog in the seasons of Festivus past or on a message board somewhere. Maybe it's because they really have been posted before and I'm straight up Coldplaying them. Or maybe it's because 95% of my online and offline activities consist of watching people doing things that chafe my goat. Irregardlesslyless, let's do it.

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THE QUESTION

OK, let's get the not-so-funny new-parent grievance out of the way first so I can wipe the Paul Reiser stank off me.

I hate the "How is he sleeping"?" lady at the office, the family dinner, the grocery store, or anywhere else. He's not. OK? He's a baby. Tons of non-babies wake up during the night. Including you, you old bag. Sure I've heard other parents say that their baby pretty much slept through the night from day 1. And while I completely believe them, I also want to know how they can afford to to keep buying dose after dose of Xtreme Infant Tylenol and rubber mallets for that long.

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MMMMM, BEER

If I see one more novelty bottle opener displayed proudly like a goddamn 12-point buck* on a wall...

"Hey man, nice to be here"
"Thanks, dude. And thanks for coming. The cooler is out back."
"Nice, I'll go through my bottles of generic beer in that cooler you just mentioned"
"Sounds good! And hey, if you need a bottle opener.."
"Nah, I got an old reliable one on my keychain here..."
"Oh, that's cool. Well, check this out anyway. It talks!"
"Wow, um...?"
"Totally, Every time you use it, it burps the radio call of the final out of the World Series. In Homer Simpson's burpvoice!"
"That is so freaking d..."
"Awesome, I know. And it's like a limited edition or something."
"Limited as in, you can only find it in the checkout aisle of every Bed, Bath, and Beyond in the world? Because then I've got a limited edition stress ball, a limited edition lint brush, limited edition orange tic-tacs (the fucking best) and limited edition mini-versions of Chicken Soup for the Craigslist Solicitor's Soul. What a fucking douchebag."
"Wait, do I even know you? This is a Lakers game viewing party"
"Oh, my bad"

*total guess

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RADIO SHACK

There's an older gentleman in my office - the kind of guy who pretty much stopped caring in 1989 but doesn't want to retire because that would mean more time at home with his wife. And so of course, any time the office needs anything even 1% related to electronics, he runs to Radio Shack. "Radio Shack has everything," he says. "I'll be back in 10 minutes."

45 minutes later, he's back with a grizzled expression and a flimsy plastic bag with a Home Depot or Best Buy logo on it. And by now, you know why. Radio Shack has nothing. If I ever switch careers, I want to work at an office that somehow functions by using only phone jack splitters, radio-controlled toy speedboats, and 5" under-the-counter analog tv screens. Then when something breaks, I will stride into the local Radio Shack knowing I can find what I'm looking for, punch the sales rep in the mouth, and leave without buying anything.

Even other shitty stores know Radio Shack sucks the balls. Around here, you can only find them in half-deserted strip malls, with other stubborn chains like Blockbuster hanging on for dear life, living in some sort of symbiotic leper colony with the Shack.

So yeah, I don't like Radio Shack.

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E-MAIL REPLIES

TO: completedicktard@aol.com
RE: Thursday's meeting

Hi Dick, two things:

1. Just wanted to make sure you've had a chance to review the map I sent and are planning on attending Thursday's important infrastructure meeting.

2. Either way, could you please return the map by later on today so that I can make the necessary changes before the meeting. I really need you to drop it off. Please respond so that I know you're coming as soon as possible. Seriously, "Yes, I got the message and I will be handing you the map later today" is really the only sentence I need to see when I open my email later on. Anything else is just ridiculously unnecessary and/or inadequate. I know how these things work, so I'm just being extra careful here. Again, RETURNING THE MAP TO ME IS VITAL AND LETTING ME KNOW YOU ARE "PICKIN' UP WHAT I'M PUTTIN' DOWN" HERE. Fuck, I shouldn't have even used slang. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT I NEED THAT MAP? You don't even have to specify a time. Just show up. I'll be here. Only a total asswad would screw this up. Don't make me send another email. It could take minutes. Or god forbid I need to call you. I'm not even sure how to dial out. I just assume everyone is up on email protocol by now. It being later than 1998. In closing, WILL YOU BE BRINGING THE MAP TO ME LATER TODAY OR TODAY AT THE LATEST? I'm about to hit send. Oh god.

Thanks,
Genius

TO: genius@betterthanyou.org
RE: Re: Thursday's meeting

Yes, I will be attending the meeting. See you there.
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Thanks for doing this again boys.

Comments

[Jack Klompus]

Radio Shack. Awesome. The name of the store emphasizes technology that is older than John McCain and Craig -- combined. Time to update to something like "Hi-Def Wireless House." Or just move all operations to Whatley's neighborhood.

[Vandelay]

I got a bottle opener that gives Bill Hargrove's radio call of Willie Parker's record breaking Super Bowl run. Not surprisingly, I'm the only person that uses it.

[Assman]

Radio Shack is great if you need to connect your ham radio to your plasma TV's HDMI port, but outside of that, they're just the last place on earth that you can buy a tape recorder.

They may as well be called Victrola Shanty. They're done.

[April]

My son needed to bring a blank VHS tape to school for a project. My first thought, "VHS tape? What year is this and where the hell do I find one of those?" My next thought was the kind with the bright light bulb going off, "RADIO SHACK!"

And sure enough, they had an ample supply.

[Jason]

When I was in high school, I joined the Radio Shack battery club. No shit. I'm totally serious here. Once a month you could show your membership card and they'd give you a free battery. I'd always take a 9-volt for the distortion pedal for my guitar. It was free. I suppose they just wanted to get some repeat customers through the door.

I don't really have a point. I just miss the battery club. Fuck yeah!

[Jeff Paul Internet Business]

I am running a small internet marketing business as my side business. This has helped me cut time when I’m free from my busy schedule. I really get satisfaction when I am my own boss.